She Responded...

[kizik]

...and she sounds perfectly happy.

 

"Glad to hear from you, take care, etc"

 

It hurts to know that she's totally fine without me, even if she didn't have to say it.

 

We are totally done.

 

I wouldn't advocate for NC a month after the break-up necessarily, but if you have to, be prepared for them to sound HAPPY and OVER YOU.

[GodofNietzsche]

Well, you aren't a mind reader, so you don't know how she is actually doing. People put up fronts. You will never know how she is actually doing.

 

It seems like you knew before that it was done, and that this response is just reaffirming your belief. I hate to say this, but stop shooting yourself in the foot.

[justine4]

Its true, people do put up fronts.

 

My ex () has been in contact via text constantly since we split up 7 weeks ago (not that I'm counting - yeah right!) Anytime I say "hope you're doing well" he says hes "doing good". I know him, and I know he'll be a wreck (just as I am too). But its all about putting on a front.

 

I've never been in a bigger hole and felt more hurt since we split and yet whenever he contacts me I tell him I'm doing fine, keeping busy, doing new things. I want to tell him my hearts broken and I miss him more than anything, however, on my friends advice,I haven't because it makes me out to look needy and thats not an attractive quality in anyone, especially when you want to get back together.

 

Don't always take words at face value, they could be trying to covering something up, or trying to give an impression of doing well. There can always be underlying currents in the most basic of words.

 

They say life is like a battefield, however love seems to be a minefield. You don't know whats the 'right' thing to say and sometimes only find out you've said/done the wrong thing, when it all blows up in your face.

[northstar1]

...and she sounds perfectly happy.

 

"Glad to hear from you, take care, etc"

 

It hurts to know that she's totally fine without me, even if she didn't have to say it.

 

We are totally done.

 

I wouldn't advocate for NC a month after the break-up necessarily, but if you have to, be prepared for them to sound HAPPY and OVER YOU.

 

hey Kiz

 

How are you doing man? A million thoughts in your head?

 

I know you may think about responding back - but at this point I'd just think about going back to NC.

[Nevermind]

Kizik: She is just trying to save her face. You broke up with her, of course she isn't going to tell you if she is hurting.

 

Look at all the threads here, whenever somebody get's a message from an ex, we all advocate to tell them they are fine or to not respond at all. She is still hurting, therefore contact with you isn't going to help her.

 

What did you expect?

 

Sorry, it hurts. I know. But you didn't tell her that you were feeling bad either. Take care. Go NC again and heal before you contact her.

 

You said yourself:

 

The only way it could affect me is if she writes back, "F*ck off, I hate you." Which is not likely, but I guess could happen. I knew it was a risk, but I haven't taken any.

 

She didn't respond this way. You wrote a casual e-mail and she responded casually. Plus, she has a reason to feel good right now (that is not associated with you). You congratulated her. It was only good taste to respond in a casual way. Don't take it personally.

[kizik]

Kizik: She is just trying to save her face. You broke up with her, of course she isn't going to tell you if she is hurting.

 

NM, I did NOT break up with her. No no. If anything (it was supposedly 'mutual'), she dumped me.

 

I appreciate what you guys are saying about fronting and saving face, but here is the truth: she is over me. She is happy, and probably happIER, without me. She doesn't love me.

 

Maybe now, after 6 weeks, I can finally begin to move on.

[northstar1]

NM, I did NOT break up with her. No no. If anything (it was supposedly 'mutual'), she dumped me.

 

I appreciate what you guys are saying about fronting and saving face, but here is the truth: she is over me. She is happy, and probably happIER, without me. She doesn't love me.

 

Maybe now, after 6 weeks, I can finally begin to move on.

 

It's tough man. I know my ex is on the other side of the world, having a blast in a new place with new people - and any thoughts of me or 'us' have been put on the backburner.

[Nemo]

They say life is like a battefield, however love seems to be a minefield. You don't know whats the 'right' thing to say and sometimes only find out you've said/done the wrong thing, when it all blows up in your face.

Haha. I like that.

[v33]

Maybe now, after 6 weeks, I can finally begin to move on.

 

I think you always knew you would have to move on.

 

Don't read too much into her response. You two haven't talked in a while, so she is just keeping things safe and simple.

 

I got the same kind of thing from my ex in the note she left me when she finally moved out. "Starting over, you take care, etc."

 

What's she going to say? She probably wants to heal as much as you do and is being careful to avoid opening old wounds.

 

It doesn't seem as if this is what you wanted to hear, and maybe you don't know what you want to hear. Go back to your NC. Who knows what might happen in 6 months. Maybe you will hear something more to your liking, or maybe you won't even care what you hear then.

 

You've been very strong through this by not breaking your NC and I wish I had your resolve.

[kizik]

You've been very strong through this by not breaking your NC and I wish I had your resolve.

 

Yeah except for when I f*cking emailed her the other day!

 

You're right, I didn't know what I wanted to hear. Actually, I did:

 

"I miss you so much and I wish we could work things out... I love you."

 

HA!

 

I'll try not to read too much into it, V. I'm just having such a hard time not feeling like a failure and a loser. I need to start TALKING better to myself.

[v33]

What was the email you sent her, Kizik?

 

And you are ANYTHING but a loser. You have some great insight to share and have carried yourself well through this, at least judging by your posts.

 

But ya, don't talk down to yourself, your thoughts will largely shape how you view yourself and by proxy how others view you.

[Nevermind]

Kizik: Sorry, I messed your history up.

 

But even so, I still believe she wanted to play it cool. If she didn't, then she is not capable of deep emotions, as they don't go away so quickly.

 

You were incredibly strong during the whole process. Very few people manage to go without contact, at least not without a restricing order.

 

I admire your strength, and I know that you will pull through this eventually, and come out as an even stronger and bigger person than you already are.

[mollers]

Kizik, start again, one day at a time. You have given some great advice on here. You probably didn't really know what you expected from sending the email.

 

When I split up from my ex, I cried for 2 weeks, rang him hoping to sort it out (but deep down knowing it wouldn't happen, realising at the same time that at least it would send me one way or the other, to reconciliation or to a kick up the arse). You have probably ended up with the kick up the arse and it will feel crap right now, but will probably give you a bit of anger and then strength in a few days.

 

Roll with it and then start again. You will get there.X

[serendip]

...and she sounds perfectly happy.

 

"Glad to hear from you, take care, etc"

 

It hurts to know that she's totally fine without me, even if she didn't have to say it.

 

We are totally done.

 

I wouldn't advocate for NC a month after the break-up necessarily, but if you have to, be prepared for them to sound HAPPY and OVER YOU.

 

I think when someone says 'take care'....they are just trying to be nice. It's a nice way of saying....don't contact me again.

[kizik]

What was the email you sent her, Kizik?

 

V, it was like this:

 

I wanted to congratulate you on finishing school. I hope you're excited to be coming back to town. I wish you nothing but the best. I know you'll do great at your new job."

 

Her response talked about starting her new job, sending me a check for money she owed me (ouch), and generally sounded very upbeat, perky, and TOTALLY over me.

[northstar1]

Yeah except for when I f*cking emailed her the other day!

 

You're right, I didn't know what I wanted to hear. Actually, I did:

 

"I miss you so much and I wish we could work things out... I love you."

 

HA!

 

I'll try not to read too much into it, V. I'm just having such a hard time not feeling like a failure and a loser. I need to start TALKING better to myself.

 

Kizik, you did what felt right to you at the time.

 

After 6 weeks, you've only contacted her once? I'd say that's a pretty good job of trying to move on with no contact - well done mate.

 

I struggle every day (and it's only been a week) to not send her a text, or an email. I have looked to you and your efforts for motivation

[kizik]

You were incredibly strong during the whole process. Very few people manage to go without contact, at least not without a restricing order.

 

Do you really think this, even though I just initiated contact? I guess I am glad I never begged, pleaded or cried to her.

[kizik]

I struggle every day (and it's only been a week) to not send her a text, or an email. I have looked to you and your efforts for motivation

 

North,

 

thank you. Here's the lesson: don't contact unless you're prepared for your ex to sound delighted and content despite your removal from the relationship.

 

Hanging out and talking with people will save your life. It will SAVE your F*CKING life. And it's so hard for me right now, b/c I have very few friends...

 

can't wait for college this fall.

[Nevermind]

Yes, I honestly do.

 

You were struggling in the beginning, but you kept strong. You were helping other people and this shows strength and empathy. Your personal situation is not what you want it to be, yet you kept going. You (like me) have no big support group where you live right now, so you fight this fight mostly alone. And in spite of all those obstacles you went on and you have been strong.

 

Your contact was not bad. And I believe it is part of the journey. You had something to say, and you said it. Now, knowing you from your posts, I believe you will go on and be strong.

 

I admire that.

[kizik]

I think when someone says 'take care'....they are just trying to be nice. It's a nice way of saying....don't contact me again.

 

I HATE "take care." It's so cruel. I don't know if it means "stay away," but it's so impersonal and almost condescending. It's an awful phrase when they used to say "I love you."

[northstar1]

North,

 

thank you. Here's the lesson: don't contact unless you're prepared for your ex to sound delighted and content despite your removal from the relationship.

 

Hanging out and talking with people will save your life. It will SAVE your F*CKING life. And it's so hard for me right now, b/c I have very few friends...

 

can't wait for college this fall.

 

very true - i know she's loving her life right now in a new country, so im sure she's in a much better spot than i am.

as much as i want to reach out, i know it wont' do me a lick of good - and even may set me back if she doesn't respond at all.

[kizik]

Yes, I honestly do.

 

You were struggling in the beginning, but you kept strong. You were helping other people and this shows strength and empathy. Your personal situation is not what you want it to be, yet you kept going. You (like me) have no big support group where you live right now, so you fight this fight mostly alone. And in spite of all those obstacles you went on and you have been strong.

 

Your contact was not bad. And I believe it is part of the journey. You had something to say, and you said it. Now, knowing you from your posts, I believe you will go on and be strong.

 

I admire that.

 

Thank you. That's really sweet of you, NM. When we go through the toughest times alone, it just shows we can handle ANYthing.

[v33]

Look at it this way, Kiz, your email wasn't gushy, needy or sentimental. You didn't give away anything about how you really feel. You still have your power and dignity.

 

And maybe she viewed it as more lighthearted than she would have liked. You have to admit that your email was pretty casual as well.

 

I understand you are a little shocked by hearing from her after such a long time, but it doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Like I said before, of course she is going to say that everything is fine and she is excited about what is happening in her life.

 

My ex told me everything was great and two days later I ran into her drunk as hell and crying outside her local bar. She had been inside crying over me, then got in a big fight with her new man over it.

 

So sure they will tell us everything is fine. And in her case maybe it is. And you would want her to be happy, right?

 

Unless you two sit down one day and really talk you won't know how she feels. I think these "half communications" (email, text) etc don't really reveal a lot of truth about the situation.

 

Good advice about being prepared to hear something you don't want to hear. But again, when we are so vulnerable after a split anything can upset us.

[kizik]

Look at it this way, Kiz, your email wasn't gushy, needy or sentimental. You didn't give away anything about how you really feel. You still have your power and dignity.

 

Unless you two sit down one day and really talk you won't know how she feels. I think these "half communications" (email, text) etc don't really reveal a lot of truth about the situation.

 

No, it wasn't gushy. I didn't want to open that door. You're right that mine was casual, and it's b/c it's not fair for me or her to start pouring out emotions 6 weeks after the fact. We did that for a week or two post-breakup, and it didn't get us anywhere.

 

In regards to us sitting down and having a "real" talk... you're right that I won't know how she truly feels unless we do this. But we won't be doing this. It's too late, she's moved on, and there's no point.

 

The truth of the matter is that I'm rather devastated still, whereas she's OK again. And that has to do with an imbalance of love that has existed for quite some time now.

 

I think this recent episode may actually help me. Maybe. I hope.

[v33]

I know you are devastated, it's sad that two people who loved each other split up.

 

I had a horrible relationship and I still miss the girl...

 

But like I was saying, man, you don't know that she is doing fine. She says she is fine, and her life may be going fine..... just words on a screen. I don't think she has forgotten you.

 

Your life can be going well and you can still miss someone like crazy.

 

I think us guys are slower to get over things and move on.

 

You also said that you said you didn't want to "open that door". Well, maybe she didn't either. Doesn't mean she still doesn't value you or what you two shared.