Cocaine. Daily use. Good life. Torn!

[Waiting2Live]

Please do not flame at me.... it takes a lot of courage just typing it. I am looking for support, maybe some feedback especially from people who can personally relate. I don't take well "tough love" nor speculations about my life expectancy, etc. Please.

There is nobody else in the world knows all the truth about me... So that is my first try to be totally honest.

Its about 5am right now. And I am lost!

I am 25 years old, moved to USA about 5 years ago and apparently living up the "american dream". Lots of people are seeing me as an example of a great success...... granted they don't know all the truth.

I have a good education, luxurious lifestyle (great condo, designer clothing, fine dining, etc) and a rapidly growing successful business that I truly enjoy. I started as a model and now work as a fashion buyer.

Cocaine! With a cocaine being a very common drug in modeling/fashion industries my friends/family/business partners won't be surprised to find out that I have tried some. What they don't know and probably won't even believe it if I told them that I have been using it almost daily for the last 5 years! Thats does sounds scary even to me! On another hand I know so many successful people working at the same industry who are using it for so much longer and in greater quantities with no evident negative effect to their businesses, families, etc....

I do however realize I have a drug addiction! I am not in denial about that. Even though I do notice how I always look for some type of reassurance that coke is not that bad. I feel good & look the best I ever have. I still maintain "healthy" habits as good nutrition and physical activities, blah blah.

I am lost. Daily cocaine use sounds very wrong to me. But I am not ready nor willing to quilt it yet because its the major part of my lifestyle. I love the way I live and I also accepted the fact that most likely I will end up dying rather in earlier age. I can't have children, so getting old & enjoying peaceful retirement watching your grandkids play is really out of the picture.

I think I am just stuck on "I do realize I am an addict but I have not come to understanding yet how it is a problem for me" stage. I don't want to hit the "rock bottom" as a wake up call. I also can't change my environment because all my partners, clients are users to a diffrent degree.

Please... I am looking for help/inspiration to move further.... in any direction. What steps can I take to cope with a habit? I do not drink or get 24 hours awake binges. I just use as a routine. Every time I need to use a restroom - I have one, etc. When I wake up line of coke works as a cap of coffee, etc. I do not even get high anymore. I don't feel extra happiness or something when I use. I do it just without even thinking twice about it. How can I get coke out of my life using just will power and common sense? Is recovery is even possible without being locked in rehab? I would like to hear some inspirational stories how people overcome the addiction on their own? Or hey, if there is somebody how is using daily and doesn't see anything wrong with that - please share.

[whichwayisup]

I've never tried coke or any other hard drug, but I am a smoker (cigarettes) so in one small sense I can understand how hard it is to quit..To want to quit but not really do anything about it.

 

If you REALLY want to quit the habit then talk to ALL your friends and family, ask for help so they can get you into a drug rehab program. You can't do this on your own. You can try, but in all honesty, your mindset revolves around this drug and unless you have the ability to learn on your own HOW to change your thinking patterns, how to change your behaviour, to be strong and set boundries, and stick to them without counselling, it's going to be ALOT harder on you than it needs to be.

 

It is wonderful that you see you have a problem and you want to change. I commend you for wanting to quit. Though right now, that's just words...Go for a week without doing drugs, will you still be feeling this way? Will you work through the withdrawal alone, without friends, family, a therapist and be strong enough to fight?

 

You could try meditation, but unless the desire inside of you is stronger to quit, again, it'll be extremely hard for you to go at this alone.

 

Please get into some sort of drug rehab program to help you through this.

 

Hope this helps!

[The Collector]

I was a regular user for about 5 years. As a DJ it helped keep me awake and in the right mood. I could afford it, and it was and is pretty routine in the music business.

 

Ultimately I stopped enjoying it and my usage dropped off. I never buy it now, but on the rare occasion I'm offered it I do it, but it's never as good as I think it's going to be. You may well get bored of it too. I also think it can have long term effects regarding your natural ability to have a good time that you might want to consider.

 

But if you aren't experiencing mental, physical or financial difficulties regarding your cocaine use, you are unlikely to really want to give it up. You say you aren't enjoying it any more - it probably just makes you anxious more than anything - but once you've had a line it's hard to stop. Try going without it for a few days and drink coffee instead.

 

In my experience, keep telling yourself 'hey I'm not even enjoying this and I could be spending this money on x (not ecstasy haha)' you will eventually get the message. 'Will-power' makes it sound like a struggle - just realise it's something your getting bored with, doesn't do what you think/believe it's going to do for you, and can't be bothered with anymore.

 

Hope this helps.

[Somedude]

I only tried coke one time, and it wasn't all that I was expecting.

 

Of course, this was coming off a 3 month, 100+ Ecstasy binge.

 

I was hooked on E like there was no tomorrow. And that's not supposed to be addicting. Though in my opinion anything that makes you feel good can be addicting. I stopped my E use cold turkey, and though I still think of it from time to time and can't nor will ever deny how amazing the experience is, the damage done is evident.

 

Try to take yourself off, and soon you will notice the damage Coke does, or ANY hard drug for that matter, and maybe that will be motivation to quit. If you're not ready to quit, do be prepared to hit "rock bottom" as you say. You'll look better (you may not realize it until after), have more money, and can say you overcame drug addiction.

 

If I can stop using E after 300+ pills in a year and a half, you can stop your coke.

[Waiting2Live]

Thank you so much for the replies. I truly appreciate it.

 

The collector:

"But if you aren't experiencing mental, physical or financial difficulties regarding your cocaine use, you are unlikely to really want to give it up. You say you aren't enjoying it any more - it probably just makes you anxious more than anything - but once you've had a line it's hard to stop."

 

Quoted for truth!!!

 

You are absolutely right that it makes me anxious more than anything else!

Also I recently found out that "having it on me" plays a huge role as well. There was a couple of days last week that I couldn't found any - and it drove me nuts. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I wanted to have it! Not necessarily even to use it, but just to have it available!

 

I keep reading your message over & over again. It really helps... more then you can imagine. And I do experience the difficulty with my natural ability to have a good time... and it is scary to realize it....

 

Thank so very much guys for your feedback and support

It really means a lot

[Kamille]

A friend of mine, now aged 30, who was a regular user got a facial seizure a few years ago... I forget exactly the name of his diagnostic, but it took over a year before it was a tad less noticeable (as he slowly regained control of the half of his face the he could no longer move). I can't say for sure that the seizure was linked to his cocaine addiction, but it my mind it's pretty clear that it was certainly a contributing factor - if not the reason for it. He has since worked really hard at kicking the habit. Like you, cocaine was a regular part of his industry. He was a sales rep who really relied on his good looks and the seizure had a huge impact on how he felt about his looks and how he went about his business.

[angryyoungman70]

Sooner than later you will notice that it has affected you more than you currently think it has.

 

Last year, at about this time, I tried it for the first time (I'm 37). My neigbor had some for his b-day, and he told me that he only aquired it 2 times a year : B-days and xmas. When I tried it, I found NO signifigant effects whatsoever and dismissed it as a waste of time/money. Fast forward a couple of months, one of my other neigbors had a dude living with him who was selling it. I found myself over there one night after work, determined to do enough of the drug feel the effects, and here I am about 9 months later on my 10th or 11th attempt to quit.

 

Not many people who know me are aware of my problem, but I have made some signifigant changes to my lifestyle as a result including not exercising regularly any more, and not being in touch with any of my long term friends who don't use cocaine. Also, my bank account has taken a signifigant hit. My W does not know, although I have wated to tell her for months, I'm afraid she will do something drastic.

 

I recently took a week - long holiday with my family and did not do any coke the whole time. I didn't even think about it, and was having a great time with my w and kids. I was hoping that this was all I needed to quit it once and for all. As soon as we got back to town and unpacked, I found myself hooking up with my dealer. This was last Saturday, and I ended up getting more Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Each time I get some, I say to myself "This is the last time" and have been repeating this mantra now for months.

 

It's only been 2 days coke-free, even though I almost slipped up yesterday, my will held firm and I didn't go to see my dealer.

 

I honestly think that the longer you do it, the harder it will be to quit. You have to really put things into perspective if you want to quit and make sure that you own the reasons why you want to quit.

 

Good luck

[Fun2BMe]

One side effect of cocaine - even if you don't FEEL its effects, is that it eats away at your insides, especially your heart. Almost all heavy users will die of a heart attack in their 50s "out of the blue." You might not have grandchildren, but most people want to be alive at that age for other reasons. It will also make your hair and teeth fall out prematurely.

[electric_sheep]

I also think it can have long term effects regarding your natural ability to have a good time that you might want to consider.

 

Personally, this is the thing that would really scare me.

 

Granted, the idea of being addicted itself is sort of disagreeable, particularly to something that is fairly expensive. There is no question that I am addicted to coffee, but I'm convinced the long term effects are more or less harmless, and it's a relatively cheap commodity.

 

See if you can find out more information about cocaines long term effects. My intuition is some of it ain't good.

 

Our societies simplistic and absolutist attitude about drugs I think has really done a lot of harm. I know me and my friends used to crack up when those idiotic frying pan commercials used to come on. Once the messenger has lost credibility, you tend to just ignore him, even if SOME of what he says may be true.

[electric_sheep]

Here's a start:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaine#Chronic

 

Regular users have a 6% greater risk of heart attack, though the risk is 24fold in the first hour after cocaine use.

 

 

I dunno... if you need someone to tell you the obvious, it would probably be best to try and get off it.

[Fun2BMe]

I know me and my friends used to crack up when those idiotic frying pan commercials used to come on. Once the messenger has lost credibility, you tend to just ignore him, even if SOME of what he says may be true.

 

I think those commercials freaked me out and I credit them for keeping me away form drugs. That, plus the "just say no" really brainwashed me to literally just saying no. As an adult I can look back and laugh at those campaigns, but they were successful in their purpose for myself at least. I thought the kids who did drugs were retarded if they were ok with wanting their brains to fry.

 

You might see 70 year old former/current pot users, but it's hard to find a 65+ year old former coke user - they will have died of a heart attack prematurely - some time between age 48-58 on average.

[electric_sheep]

You may find these links useful:

 

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/articlesessays.htm

 

http://www.peele.net/index.html

[electric_sheep]

I think those commercials freaked me out and I credit them for keeping me away form drugs. That, plus the "just say no" really brainwashed me to literally just saying no. As an adult I can look back and laugh at those campaigns, but they were successful in their purpose for myself at least. I thought the kids who did drugs were retarded if they were ok with wanting their brains to fry.

 

That's funny. We used to think the kids who thought your brain actually would fry were retarded. It's quite possible that the marketing technique most useful for one group of kids won't work for another group of kids.

 

I've noticed recent anti-marijuana ads actually ARE more realistic. Depicting kids sitting around on the couch eating potato chips, getting fat and acting spaced out. I mean, that's not the whole story, as I'm sure some pro-pot people will point out, but I think we can all agree that you ain't gonna do as well on your differential equations test if you smoke up right before hand.

 

Anyway, I still can't help but think a more realistic and open discussion of drugs couldn't hurt.

[alicemark]

Several patients with accelerated or malignant hypertension have been described in whom the habitual use of cocaine appears to have hastened the development of renal failure, often requiring dialysis. The patients had smoked cocaine for several years, often continuously, and presented with severe hypertension and renal insufficiency. Blood pressure was extremely elevated, often quite out of proportion to the degree of end organ damage and frequently quite refractory to treatment.

----------------

Alice mark

 

 

Maine Drug Treatment

[Fun2BMe]

renal insufficiency

 

 

Alice mark

 

 

what's renal insufficiency?

[The Collector]

I believe that study is talking about crack cocaine ('smoked cocaine'). Different ballgame.

[carhill]

what's renal insufficiency?

renal insufficiency = kidney failure = dialysis = not a good prognosis, generally

[Groovy]

I have done cocaine but never addicted to it. But I have done plenty of everything under the sun. I do not judge because I know what it's like to make a million excuses as to why you continue to drink or get high. After getting high and overdosing I made excuses that I wouldn't mix narcotics. Silly me...

 

Trust me, it all works out beautifully in the beginning. Then the mood swings come, the days of staying awake on end, the relationships fall apart for work and personal relationships and your left alone. You worry about losing your job and affording a mortgage. The people you loved most have given up on you and the alienation is unbearable. Your a Jekyll and Hyde coming to grips to understanding anything about yourself.....

 

I also have held down a good job, bought a house and held a job 10 years. people are fooled I have my **** together. But it hurts when your only fooling yourself and you knows this truth.

 

I went to an AA meeting recently. Not sure what this all means. Sometimes I am afraid of what my boyfriend will see in me. Sometimes I wake up and feel angry at myself. Some days I worry I will lose my job. I post this because I want you to know your not alone. Please get help. Eventually you will have an awakening. E-mail me if your'd like..

[FadedSign]

I know someone who has been a constant user for many years and it is noticeable. She's been permanently damaged somehow. She is very jittery etc.

I think you need a swift kick in the rear to scare you out of it but being around it constantly is definitely not helping.

 

Best of luck!!