Both diagnosed with BPD....we're screwed!

[Raiatea]

I finally got sick of feeling that I was hurting the people around me, so I spoke to my doctor who referred me to a psychologist.

 

Boyfriend came with me, and to cut a long story short, the psychologist said that we both have strong traits of borderline personality disorder.

 

Now I thought that he did have it (but of course he still thinks nothing is wrong), and I knew something wasn't right with me at all - my past behaviour has been very manipulative, cold and self-centered. I am also doing a lot of something called "splitting" which makes sense now that I know about it. I am absolutely ashamed of the way I have treated people in the past while believing it to be THEM with the problem. This diagnosis for me is more of a shock than what the psychologist said about him!

 

So what now? We are two BPD people in a relationship that can sometimes - perhaps once every three months or so - become abusive/manipulative and quite cold. Now I see why we do the things we do, and it is not our intention to hurt each other but our way of dealing with emotional events.

 

He won't get treatment ("Nothing wrong with me!" he says. "That doctor knows nothing!") but I am certainly willing to try.

 

Are we doomed? We try to work things out as best as possible and we are both to blame for the problems in our relationship. We don't have as many as some people, but we both blow things out of proportion!

 

Any thoughts or recommendations? Anyone with BPD willing to give me hope? Will I still think the way I do after treatment?

[carhill]

Do you present with attachment symptoms? Intense fear or anxiety when he is away from you for an extended period of time?

 

I would treat this like a MC dynamic. Get treatment for yourself. Heal yourself. You can't make him do anything, and certainly not in your current condition. It's possible one of you is mirroring the other's behaviors. I have no idea which. Since you are here and seek help, it is possible that you are the mirror.

 

The important first step is to seek treatment and find a competent practitioner to guide you.

 

I have no experience with BPD but did participate in dx'ing my mom's dementia and psychosis and cared for her for a number of years. I've seen and had to deal with some pretty horrific things. I hope the outlook for your personal health and your relationship is bright. Still a lot of life left to live

[Raiatea]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I do have terrible anxiety when he is away from me (like today he called in sick to work even though he admits he is just being lazy). Right now I am really concerned about him being at home and me being at work. I don't know why I react the way I do, but what I don't do is SHOW HIM that I am am anxious.

 

He is the opposite - he will give me the silent treatment if I am away from him and he doesn't know where I am.

 

At least I am aware of what is considered abnormal behaviour and try not to outwardly show it even if inside I am frantic.

 

I've never heard of mirroring someones behaviour, as far as I can remember, something has been very wrong with me. He has always been like this!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with your mother's illness, that must have been a terrifying and heartbreaking time in your life.

[carhill]

Mirroring is an empathic response, where the empath "becomes" their object, sometimes literally feeling their pain/anger/other emotions and exhibiting behaviors in conflict with the empath's intrinsic psychology. It's different than "caring", where one can have the component of empathy but retains a psychological distance from their object.

 

It usually takes a sensitive nervous system to empathize in this way, but I have seen signs of it in myself, most markedly during my mother's illness. Now that I've been away from active care for a couple years (she's in a facility for her disease), I can look back and see what happened to me.

 

The reason I asked you about the separation anxiety is that I have a dear friend who exhibits some of the symptoms you've mentioned and I was curious about this dynamic. In her case, she didn't start exhibiting anxiety from separation until her children left home (she's divorced and has a BF). Now, if her BF is gone more than a day, she gets real anxious and has a hard time spending a night alone. I'm going to have to research this more. I hate seeing her in pain...

 

I think psychological counseling will clarify a number of issues for you. I'd definitely see a psychologist to start, with a referral to a psychiatrist if meds are indicated. This is something which IMO requires a specialist. We had a whole team of specialists who dealt with my mom, simply because her condition did not present as typical dementia (most people think of Alzheimer's). There's a really wide highway of similar dementias, just like there are many permutations of what you are experiencing. I hope you can find help and a method to get through this.