Mom Read E-mails behind My Back about BF

[HabitualDelirium]

So I left my e-mail account open on my computer, not thinking much about it as I went out with my friends last night, and my mother ends up going through all my e-mails I've sent to my current boyfriend.

 

Basically, I've had a lying problem with my mother. I love this boy, but she hates him, so the only way I felt I could see him was by letting him come up to my dorm when I was in school. In the e-mails she found out that he came up to school to see me a lot. She also found other things like how we made sex videos. She also blames the fact that I don't have a 4.0 to the fact that he's ruining my grades and future (I have a 3.85, by the way).

 

She doesn't care that I'm dating, or that I have been having sex. She, however, wants me to stop seeing this boy because he goes to community college and isn't doing that well, while I'm at UCLA doing decent. She feels he and I are on different levels and I am bringing myself down by being with him.

 

I am 18 years old. They are threatening to take away my college tuition. She says I have my head in a fantasy and need to get over him. She refuses to give me car insurance for the summer, so I am basically locked up at home. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I feel so pressured by my parents. I know I should be a big girl about all this, I just don't know how to deal with it...

 

Any suggestions?

[D-Lish]

Huge control issues here.

You will never be able to come to a negotiation with her.

 

You'll either have to continue on in secret- and be very careful about not getting caught.... or go out and get a job and support your own schooling.

 

I think it's disgusting for a parent to use school as leverage to manipulate their child. 3.85 is a great accomplishment.

 

I hate to suggest lying to parents- but your mother sounds extremely controlling and unreasonable. I wonder what she would say if you told her you were dropping out of school and moving in your bf because she won't pay your tuition....

[Enema]

When you're 30, you'll probably realize your parents were right

[D-Lish]

When you're 30, you'll probably realize your parents were right

 

... but not to the point of depriving a child of their education unless she breaks up with this guy.

 

My parents disagreed with a lot of choices I have made throughout the years- but they allowed me to learn from my own mistakes. I am better for it as a result.

 

Ultimatems rarely work.

 

If it were my child I'd be livid over the sex tape stuff.

That's the one thing I'd mention as a sidebar here... You NEVER want to have that stuff end up on the internet!!

[Citizen Erased]

Tell her you have broken up with him, get a new email account and keep seeing him.

 

You will never come to a compromise with her. Seeing as you are 18 and she is still trying to prevent you from dating (would it just be with this guy, or can you see it happening with others?), she will not listen to you.

 

They may turn out to be right about this guy, but I think it is about time you started making your own mistakes. Your parents cannot keep you wrapped up in cotton wool your whole life, and I think University is the right place for you to start being your own person.

 

Nearly every single teenager dates someone their parents don't like. Do what the rest of us did and lie.

[D-Lish]

Tell her you have broken up with him, get a new email account and keep seeing him.

 

You will never come to a compromise with her. Seeing as you are 18 and she is still trying to prevent you from dating (would it just be with this guy, or can you see it happening with others?), she will not listen to you.

 

They may turn out to be right about this guy, but I think it is about time you started making your own mistakes. Your parents cannot keep you wrapped up in cotton wool your whole life, and I think University is the right place for you to start being your own person.

 

Nearly every single teenager dates someone their parents don't like. Do what the rest of us did and lie.

 

Good post.

I agree with everything you have said.

 

When I was in highschool my parents imposed a "be in by dark" curfew rule... so after learning I couldn't fight with them - and showing blatent disregard for their rules only made things worse... I simply learned to adapt. They'd go to bed- and I'd climb out my bedroom window, down the TV tower, through the farmers field- to the bush party! It wasn't smart, I stepped in a lot of cow patties... but my parents were happy with my veiled compliance.

[Citizen Erased]

Good post.

I agree with everything you have said.

 

When I was in highschool my parents imposed a "be in by dark" curfew rule... so after learning I couldn't fight with them - and showing blatent disregard for their rules only made things worse... I simply learned to adapt. They'd go to bed- and I'd climb out my bedroom window, down the TV tower, through the farmers field- to the bush party! It wasn't smart, I stepped in a lot of cow patties... but my parents were happy with my veiled compliance.

 

 

Yep, what they don't know does not hurt them! I can remember when I was 14 hiding my then boyfriend in our garage praying to dear God that my dad did not go in there. My boyfriends gradually caught on that they were to hang up if my father answered the phone. One even pretended they were selling something when they came over and he answered the door unexpectedly. Ah good times...

[D-Lish]

 

Yep, what they don't know does not hurt them! I can remember when I was 14 hiding my then boyfriend in our garage praying to dear God that my dad did not go in there. My boyfriends gradually caught on that they were to hang up if my father answered the phone. One even pretended they were selling something when they came over and he answered the door unexpectedly. Ah good times...

 

haha- I can't believe I am 38 years old advising a young girl to lie to her parents about a boy.... If I ever do have kids- there is karma waiting to come back and bit me on my a**!

[HabitualDelirium]

I hate to suggest lying to parents- but your mother sounds extremely controlling and unreasonable. I wonder what she would say if you told her you were dropping out of school and moving in your bf because she won't pay your tuition....

 

Haha, yea, I actually wonder about that a lot. Trying to find a way to declare independency and get more financial aid so she can't use that tuition thing against me anymore... We'll see how that turns out, though. Lying seems like the best option.

 

But yea, I don't know what else to do but lie at this point because I don't want to lose this person. I see myself with him (and this is after a year + of questioning it).

 

I know when I'm a mother, I would not do what she does. She has basically forced into a position to lie. She's basically playing with my happiness for her sake, not mine. I think all of your points are very good, and it's nice to hear it from someone else, because seriously, I felt like such a delinquent...

 

It's all part of growing up, though, right?

[HabitualDelirium]

When you're 30, you'll probably realize your parents were right

 

 

I'm actually very afraid of this. I'm afraid of her being right and then using it to play more control games with me.

[Art_Critic]

What your Mom did was a total breach of trust and privacy and really deserves a thread on it's own.... But..........

 

By the sounds of it you still live at home and they pay for your college tuition and food .. Well you are 18 .. Why not pay for your own college and move out on your own ?

If you can't then you just have to live the rules that your parents lay down.. if you want to pull the "I'm 18 stint " then you need to be able to do it the real adult mature way and be on your own...

 

Just my own opinion... I feel that a child who still receives benefits from the parents should still listen to the parents and abide by their rules.. the older you get the more loose the rules should be ie:.. When you are 21 you shouldn't have to abide by as many rules...

 

I would listen to your parents...

 

That being said.. I would not have stopped seeing someone if my parents told me too at age 18..... I just had to be the parent role..

I would have gotten a new email addy and kept seeing the person.. then later learned my parents were right on.. but at least I would have learned it on my own

[HabitualDelirium]

 

Yep, what they don't know does not hurt them! I can remember when I was 14 hiding my then boyfriend in our garage praying to dear God that my dad did not go in there. My boyfriends gradually caught on that they were to hang up if my father answered the phone. One even pretended they were selling something when they came over and he answered the door unexpectedly. Ah good times...

 

 

Haha, I actually don't mind that you guys are adults and giving me this advice. I'm kind of curious to see whether parents with kids would be highly against this lying despite it dealing with a parent that takes compromise for a no.

[HabitualDelirium]

What your Mom did was a total breach of trust and privacy and really deserves a thread on it's own.... But..........

 

By the sounds of it you still live at home and they pay for your college tuition and food .. Well you are 18 .. Why not pay for your own college and move out on your own ?

 

I am actually thinking about this. I don't know how to even start. My parents have tried keeping me their child. Most parents are happy when their kids get a job and gain independence, right? My parents gave me a big no and told me they want to pay for everything.

 

Now I'm starting to see the consequences. My mom likes using it against me. Sometimes I think she wants me to work hard and study hard not for myself, but to make sure I will support her financially when she is older.

 

I have no idea how to do anything financially on my own. Any good hints on how to start?

 

And yea, definite breach of trust on her part. She likes to come up behind me now and stare at what I'm doing. I just close it and tap my finger until she goes away.

 

Sometimes I blame my bad habits on her. She taught me to lie, cheat, be angry, annoy people... *sigh*. I try not to let it get to me and tell myself I love her. But I'm just tired now.

[suzyq83]

 

Basically, I've had a lying problem with my mother. I love this boy, but she hates him, so the only way I felt I could see him was by letting him come up to my dorm when I was in school. In the e-mails she found out that he came up to school to see me a lot. She also found other things like how we made sex videos. She also blames the fact that I don't have a 4.0 to the fact that he's ruining my grades and future (I have a 3.85, by the way).

 

She doesn't care that I'm dating, or that I have been having sex. She, however, wants me to stop seeing this boy because he goes to community college and isn't doing that well, while I'm at UCLA doing decent. She feels he and I are on different levels and I am bringing myself down by being with him.

 

Any suggestions?

 

My son started lying to me too when he got together with this girl he is currently with. Get honest with your mother, it is all that she wants. She will stop looking thru your stuff if you are on the level with her. Tell her when something feels like it is an invasion of privacy and tell her you are older now, in college and that you want her trust. To get her trust, you have to be honest, tho. There is no trust when there is lying.

 

I know you will probably not like this but if your Mom thinks the boy is bringing you down, she may have more wisdom than you realize. Despite chemical/phsyical attractions, please realize you are young and will have lots more boyfriends down the road. Appreciate that your mother is telling you she doesn't want you to lose how good you were, and that she sees a slide happening with you, and believe her and pull yourself up, and keep the boyfriend if you need to, but the responsibility is on you to not let yourself lose your integrity and your decency and any thing your Mom is worrying about. Parents KNOW when their kids are sliding downward and as in my son's situation, he cannot see it himself, but everyone else can. You don't have to slip into being just like who you are romantically with. If your bf loves you he will respect who you were when he met you, it is what attracted him to you in the first place! So don't become a "clone" -- and remain your true self. It is a vital skill you will need all of your life and this sounds like the first challenge. Whatever you do, don't let this boy become a wedge between you and your mother. Hear what she has to say, and tell her how you feel about him, and why you like to be with him. And just be honest with her, and tell her what boundaries you would like respected. It would be best if your Mom could like your boyfriend, healthiest for all of you. Bring him around so that she can get to know him. It goes a long long way, even if she doesn't like him, it changes when parents get to know who their young adult kid is with.

[cjanee]

I find it terribly pathetic when a parent feels they have the RIGHT to invade their child's privacy. Would she like you snooping around in her emails/texts or bedroom etc. Anyway you look at and no matter what she found out, invading someones personal space is a violation. Its disrespectful, breeches trust, and damages the relationship. If she's pissed, she deserves it. If you don't like what you find you shouldn't snoop period! I would seriously consider getting a job and getting a loan. As long as she has this kind of financial control over you things are only going to get worse between you. You are 18 and old enough to make your own choices. They may not be your mothers choice but its not her life is it?

[suzyq83]

I find it terribly pathetic when a parent feels they have the RIGHT to invade their child's privacy. Would she like you snooping around in her emails/texts or bedroom etc. Anyway you look at and no matter what she found out, invading someones personal space is a violation. Its disrespectful, breeches trust, and damages the relationship. If she's pissed, she deserves it. If you don't like what you find you shouldn't snoop period! I would seriously consider getting a job and getting a loan. As long as she has this kind of financial control over you things are only going to get worse between you. You are 18 and old enough to make your own choices. They may not be your mothers choice but its not her life is it?

 

A HS friend from years back fell in love with another HS friend, and her parents were livid. Threatened to cut off her school loans, and when they threatened that, my friends went and paid her loans on their own. They married later on, still the same horrific dynamic. And she died, young, and to this day her parents will never forgive him, for any of the running off type of stuff. But he told me, parents have no power in things like this, and when kids are hell bent on being together, they will be. But think about not causing breaches. Lord knows we all rebel in one way or several,. it is part of the separation process. But ow we choose to rebel or take our steps into adulthood, is our responsibility. You can expect a reaction if it is done in a way that upsets your parents or mother. And it is really hard, for parents to sit back happily and wait for their kids to learn from their mistakes, too. I am not defending anyone going thru emails, but honesty still is and always will be the best policy. Of course, kids always develop a semi-secret life, and kind of need to, as well. I just hate seeing problems go on for ppl that they don't need to escalate, myself. For what it is worth, if anything.

[nleeh]

Like others have said, get those porn tapes and destroy them because you don't know where they may end up and if they ever got out into the public arena they could actually keep you from certain jobs you may want to enter in the future.

 

It isn't right of your parents to give you an ultimatum about withholding college funds if you keep seeing your boyfriend but they did and they may keep their word since they hold the purse strings and I'm sure they also feel they are right about the guy but that remains to be seen in the future. For now, the question is, if it came down to finishing college or continuing dating your guy, would you forgo college for the sake of dating him? Think wisely about your future because if you and he are in love and feel strongly that you are meant to be with each other the rest of your lives and you choose to cool down the relationship for now, it should not take away the strong bond you have with each other.

 

And if you cooled it down and he or you go your separate ways and don't meet back up, then it is all for the best anyway.

 

nleeh

[HabitualDelirium]

... Get honest with your mother, it is all that she wants. She will stop looking thru your stuff if you are on the level with her... To get her trust, you have to be honest, tho.

 

I have been able to sit my mother down recently and argue about this. The thing was, everyone is always talking about how you have to keep your parent's trust and whatnot. There are reasons why kids lie, whether it is bad-nature on their part or not. For me, I felt stuck in a corner. As a young adult, I want to live life, I want to try new things. I want to try those things everyone says is taboo. I respect my mother a lot, and it HURT me to lie to her so much. I hated it so much. But at the same time, I lied because I did not trust my mother. I did not trust her to treat me with respect, or courteously about this boy. She said really nasty things about him to try to get me to leave him, and that hurt me even more. However, I sat her down after this situation and talked about HER and MY relationship. I tried to keep my boyfriend out of it. I told her I wanted to be given the freedom to make my own mistakes. I am still doing well in school, and I would never sacrifice my future goals for a boy. But basically, parents need to gain their kid's trust just as a kid must gain their parent's trust.

 

... Parents KNOW when their kids are sliding downward and as in my son's situation, he cannot see it himself, but everyone else can. You don't have to slip into being just like who you are romantically with. If your bf loves you he will respect who you were when he met you, it is what attracted him to you in the first place! So don't become a "clone" -- and remain your true self. It is a vital skill you will need all of your life and this sounds like the first challenge. Whatever you do, don't let this boy become a wedge between you and your mother. Hear what she has to say, and tell her how you feel about him, and why you like to be with him. And just be honest with her, and tell her what boundaries you would like respected. It would be best if your Mom could like your boyfriend, healthiest for all of you. Bring him around so that she can get to know him. It goes a long long way, even if she doesn't like him, it changes when parents get to know who their young adult kid is with.

 

 

Yea, I have been able to sit my mother down after this issue, and things have actually seemed a lot better because I was willing to fight for what I wanted yet I understood what she sees. I still debate to this day whether the boy I am with is the right one or not, but I still feel this relationship is right for me at this point in my life. I feel my boyfriend needs to understand my mother as well. They both need to do some compromising, and I know I get really frustrated when I am the one that has to do all the compromising.

 

I'm trying really hard to be true to myself. That requires my boyfriend dealing with the fact that I still respect my mother even though she is constantly belittling him, and my mother dealing with the fact that I like a boy against her will. I know when it comes down to it, in the long run, I'm going to have to stand strong for myself despite being tugged by the people around me.

 

Good luck with your son, I'm sure time will help you guys figure out what will keep your relationship working. It may not be the same, but the best relationships are those that are able to change and mold to new wants and expectations. The same goes for mother/child relationships, I believe, although we all reminisce about the good ole days when our kids were young.

[HabitualDelirium]

I find it terribly pathetic when a parent feels they have the RIGHT to invade their child's privacy. Would she like you snooping around in her emails/texts or bedroom etc. Anyway you look at and no matter what she found out, invading someones personal space is a violation. Its disrespectful, breeches trust, and damages the relationship. If she's pissed, she deserves it. If you don't like what you find you shouldn't snoop period! I would seriously consider getting a job and getting a loan. As long as she has this kind of financial control over you things are only going to get worse between you. You are 18 and old enough to make your own choices. They may not be your mothers choice but its not her life is it?

 

Yea, I've been working in the summer. It's hard trying to make money and do things on your own without much experience. I realized my parents have babied me so much to the point, that I can't do much by myself. I cringe at the idea of taxes next year. Seems like another dimension. But it's a good experience, and I'm at the point where my mother trusts me again. It seems I've played it to the point where she realizes that she has to gain my respect and trust as equally as I have to gain hers. Hopefully she won't be snooping around that much anymore. And if she does, I'm not letting her get the upperhand with the information she gains, because she invaded my space, privacy, and trust.

 

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

[HabitualDelirium]

Like others have said, get those porn tapes and destroy them because you don't know where they may end up and if they ever got out into the public arena they could actually keep you from certain jobs you may want to enter in the future.

 

It isn't right of your parents to give you an ultimatum about withholding college funds if you keep seeing your boyfriend but they did and they may keep their word since they hold the purse strings and I'm sure they also feel they are right about the guy but that remains to be seen in the future. For now, the question is, if it came down to finishing college or continuing dating your guy, would you forgo college for the sake of dating him? Think wisely about your future because if you and he are in love and feel strongly that you are meant to be with each other the rest of your lives and you choose to cool down the relationship for now, it should not take away the strong bond you have with each other.

 

And if you cooled it down and he or you go your separate ways and don't meet back up, then it is all for the best anyway.

 

nleeh

 

I would definitely finish college. I came to the consensus with myself that I would finish college no matter which way people tried to pull me. I gotta stay focus too when I feel stressed by other people's wishes that go against mine (like my mother). If my boyfriend became unsupportative of my goals to finish school, there's clearly an issue with our relationship, and I need to rethink the relationship seriously. At this point, I'm just going to do my best to finish school, and try not to bother my parents with the idea that I'm dating someone they like despite the fact that my mom will probably be snooping... I hope next school year will go well. I want to do well, and I want my relationship to be uplifting and help me through things. Not a burden.

 

And about the porn stuff, my boyfriend already has access to the stuff we made... and I don't really want to ask him to delete it. It was more for him when we are apart for long times and could't have sexual contact. If we broke up, I'd keep that at the top of my list and ask him to delete it. I believe I trust him not to do anything with them, though, and you can't see us too well anyway. I'll definitely try to be a little more careful about that stuff in the future, though. Didn't realize it's been such a big deal for others.

[Angel1111]

I find it terribly pathetic when a parent feels they have the RIGHT to invade their child's privacy. Would she like you snooping around in her emails/texts or bedroom etc. Anyway you look at and no matter what she found out, invading someones personal space is a violation. Its disrespectful, breeches trust, and damages the relationship. If she's pissed, she deserves it. If you don't like what you find you shouldn't snoop period! I would seriously consider getting a job and getting a loan. As long as she has this kind of financial control over you things are only going to get worse between you. You are 18 and old enough to make your own choices. They may not be your mothers choice but its not her life is it?

 

Ok, here's one opinion you're probably not going to like - parents have the absolute right to look at anything that concerns their kids as long as they're living at home. This stuff about a child's privacy is total nonsense. Do they deserve respect? You bet. Privacy about emails, drugs, phone calls, etc? Nope. And any parent who doesn't exercise this right every now and then is begging for trouble. Maybe for a college-age student this shouldn't be such a concern but if they behave questionably, then I would still do it.

 

Habitual: I think there's a missing link to this story but, if not, I would say that if I were your mother, first I'd ask you if you were completely out of your mind doing sex videos. Will women never learn??? Don't be surprised if images of you and bf pop up at the most extremely embarrassing times. I hope you don't have a nasty break-up with this guy because he's now got ammunition. Then, if I were your mom, what I'd probably say is that your GPA needs to stay at 'x' (whatever she determines) and that if it dropped, there will be problems.

 

It's my guess that she probably has a good reason for not liking this guy and it might serve you well to look at that seriously instead of being offended. When you're out of your parent's house and paying for your own college, then you can talk about your rights. Right now, be aware that you are still under their care....and at their mercy, if you choose to perceive it that way. But the smartest - and least likely - thing you should do is to take a good look at your behavior before it comes back to bite you in the ass so badly you'll be running to your mother crying your eyes out.

 

I think the best thing you're doing with your life is going to college and keeping your GPA high. Good for you. Please don't let your mother or boyfriend or anyone else screw that up. It will effect you all your life.

[GPFan]

Any suggestions?

 

My first suggestion is to curb the making of sex videos. If I were your Mum, I would be very concerned about that. You can't foretell where or when those videos may pop up. Consider that in the future you may have an important role in your career or a public position, it is not unknown for rivals to dig up whatever they can that would damage a reputation. Claiming you were 'young and dumb' at the time only goes so far.

 

Second, I agree with Angel. Parents have every right and responsibility to snoop if they are concerned about drug use, self-destructive behaviour or getting in with the wrong crowd.

 

If your current boyfriend is "The One," then he will be there when your schooling is done and you are out on your own.

[AnLandy]

I'm actually very afraid of this. I'm afraid of her being right and then using it to play more control games with me.

 

I can tell you from experience that by the time you reach the age of 30, your mother will have very little in life to use as control over you.

You will no longer be dependant upon her for money, shelter, food, emotional support, or anything else.

 

Before you make any definate decisions about what to do, I would recommend that you sit back and do a little research on some practical matters. Before you defy your mother and take out loans for school, I would recommend that you contact the financial aid office at your institution to see if you would be elligible for the amount that you would need to borrow, if you are even elligible to ammend your financial aid request at this point to cover next school year, and if you can qualify for such a large loan without a co-signer, who will usually be a parent. Part of being an adult is knowing all of your financial options before you leap.

 

Also, really ask yourself if your relationship with your boyfriend is worth dropping out of college because you can't pay tuition, being stuck living with your parents full-time because you can't find a job that will pay your rent after you drop out of college, dealing with the reality that you sacrificed your future for this man if the two of you should break up, and potentially placing your career plans on hold indefinately if you should have to leave school. Plus, ask yourself if you really want to start out your adult life $20,00 to 40,00 in debt.

 

I am a professor, and I have had students who made hasty decisions because of conflict with their parents and wound up estraged from their families and totally without financial support. Of my five advisees who have been in this situation, two dropped out and have yet to come back three years later. I see them around town, and they are both working $8.00 an hour jobs. Another two managed to find financial aid and financial support from other family members to stay in school, but they were forced to take jobs in order to pay their living expenses. Working 25-40 hours a week and going to school full time has them totally stressed out, and their grades have plummeted. One went from an A average to a D+. The other is barely holding onto a C.

 

The third student decided to go to community college (the tuition is free in our state at tech schools and community colleges), but she cannot pursue her major there because it is not offered. Instead of preparing for medical school, she is studying to be a phlebotimist. After getting her associates, she will work full-time in a medical lab and try to attend a pre-med program part-time.

 

Also, you might want to sit down and make a list of all the things in your life that you would potentially be sacrificing for this relationship. Is he worth taking on a ton of student load debt or dropping out of school or giving up your future career plans or cutting off contact with your mother or living in some scuzzy apartment because you dropped out of school and can't return home?

 

You say that you can "really see" yourself with this guy. O.K. But also keep in mind that you are only 18. Unless you can say with 100% certainty that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, is it worth putting your future in jeopordy? If your parents cut you off financially, is this guy prepared to help you pay for school, if that's what it comes down to? Have you talked to him about how you feel and asked him if he can "really see" himself with you, too? Do you want to risk so much on a relationship with a guy who may not share your same level of commitment?

[vanmar]

Mother Pertaining to biology or to life and living things.Can anybody suggest me why do mother loves children? She have the right to work.

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vanmar

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[Walk]

Todays world, there's no such thing as "privacy" on the internet. Your future boss will have the right to read your emails at work. They can check the sites you've been to, and fire you for what they feel are questionable actions. Nothing done on their computers will be private. Just like nothing done on your mom's computer (any computer in her house) is private.

 

On the plus side, this might help prepare you for what you're going to have to deal with at a future company.

 

How about attending college during summer semesters? You'll graduate sooner, (hopefully attain a good job afterward) and be self-sufficient in less time. Plus, you won't have to go back to your parents house for the entire summer where they can snoop through all your emails. It would allow you more freedom to see your bf and more experience in being self-supportive (to a degree).

 

Personally, I found summer semesters to be more enjoyable then fall/spring semesters. Its more condensed so you aren't wasting a ton of time on the fluff they try to shove down your throat. Less students around, easier parking, smaller lines at the liquor store. hahaha j/k.