Mom Read E-mails behind My Back about BF

[Haloandhorns85]

When I was 18, I had the EXACT same problem. I was dating this guy I knew for a couple years and had actually dated him previously. We got back together and I knew immediately my parents would have a problem with it. But I thought I loved him. I had a job, but it was minimum wage. He had a job, but again, minimum wage. So moving out was not an option. We fought and fought and fought and fought over my relationship with this guy. Every single time I'd throw up the line "I'm 18, I'm an adult!" That did not make matters better. They told me if I wanted to be treated as an adult, then I needed to behave like one. (I eventually figured out what they were talking about...err! Which now, I agree with all they said...lol!) Eventually, I just told them we broke up, but kept seeing him. I'd lie and say I was going out with my best friend and would go out with him instead. I kept this up for about 3 or 4 months. We even got a job at the same place so we could see each other more often. Somewhere down the line, I figured out that this guy that I thought I loved was sooo not what I thought or worth the fight with my parents or all the lying I did that broke their trust. I also figured out that they were right with all of their concerns. Most likely, they've been there, done that. Nearly everyone goes through the same stages in life and has the same kind of experiences, just the details differ. I hear your mother's words as exactly what came out of my parent's mouths. You may see your mother as a control freak or trying to control your life, but really...its just the concerns she has for you and is trying to protect you from making a huge mistake that could affect the rest of your life. At 18 years old, I know you think you know about life and what is really what. But you are only 18...you can't possibly know everything you think you know...you have only had 18 years on this planet and most of them were living a child's life. At 18, you don't think about the long term consequences of your actions...and I mean really long term, like 10, 20 years from now. What you do now will have an impact on your life then. Lying to your mother about this relationship could, and in all probabliliy, will cause problems in your relationship with your mother. Yes, you do need to make your own mistakes to be able to learn and grow from them, but you also need to look at it from a different perspective, which I know from experience is really hard as an 18 year old. Pull yourself out of the situation and look at it from your mother's point of view. Maybe she sees the same things in this situation as she has actually experienced that turned out bad for her...and she in turn, trying to be a good mother, is attempting, maybe in a poor way, to protect you from possibly getting hurt or making a big life changing mistake. IMO, the best way to proceed from here is to talk with her like the adult you are claiming to be. I'm not being sarcastic or rude or anything like that. I'm just saying that if you want to be adult about the situation, lying is not the way to go. Talk to her and try to find out why she feels the way she does and what her reasons are. I am absolutely sure her reasons are not just because she wants to control you and our life. No yelling, no accusing, and no smarting off with this conversation. After she has her say and explains her feelings and reasons (without you interrupting, defending, denying, or explaining away her reasons), then tell her yours. Tell her that you know you may be making a mistake by continuing the relationship, but that you want and need to make your own mistakes to be able to grow and learn as a person, not just as her child. Also, tell her that you know sneaking around and lying to her is not an adult way to handle the situation and that is why you wanted to have this conversation. Tell her that you don't think its right to use tuition against you because, in all reality, she is your mother, not your jailer. Tell her that you need her support while growing up, which includes making your own mistakes and learning from them, and that you just need her guidance while manuevoring on your own through what life throws at you...not demands or ultimatums that she gives you. Ask her if there is anyway to compromise on this situation. Before you say that though, you have to actually be willing to compromise. After all, being adult is hugely about learning to compromise and communicate. Over all...if you are still depending on your parents and their hard-earned money, then IMO, they have every right to still have a few restrictions on you, especially if you are still living in their house...but maybe you all could go about it in a comproming way, with communication being key.

 

Hope everything works out for you and your mother. I'd hate to see a mother-daughter relationship, and possibly your college education, ruined over a boy.

[Haloandhorns85]

It seems I've played it to the point where she realizes that she has to gain my respect and trust as equally as I have to gain hers. Hopefully she won't be snooping around that much anymore. And if she does, I'm not letting her get the upperhand with the information she gains, because she invaded my space, privacy, and trust.

 

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

 

 

Number one thing you said wrong there....your mother does not have to "gain" your respect. She is your mother....not a friend...not a co-worker...not a boyfriend...not another relative...she is your mother. At ALL times, you, as an adult, are suppose to have respect for her, no matter what. You don't have to like her or what she does...but respect is a different thing all together. And actually, she really does have a right to snoop when it comes to you and her house. You are her daughter, who still lives in her house, and she really sounds to me like she is trying to be a good mother. You will realize that later in life because I know it isn't going to click right now. Later you will look back and want to kick yourself in the a$$ for being so disrespectful and demanding of rights that aren't even yours to begin with. There's a time a place for everything, including snooping and invading your child's privacy. I suspect she had a reason to snoop to begin with. A mother's intuition will never steer her wrong.