Another porn question...

[RavenHair]

I've been married to my guy for a year and some. He's mentioned that he was very glad that our sex life is still exciting. I am very sexual myself and I'm willing to try anything at least once, and he's very aware of this. Before we were married, I mentioned to him that I didn't like him looking at porn and that I didn't understand why he needed or wanted to because he had me...a willing woman who never says, "oh not tonight, I have a headache," or some other excuse. I'm up to doing it whenever and wherever! I know what the guys are going to say, but I think that since he has someone who really enjoys sex and wants to do it all of the time, he shouldn't have to or want to look at porn. Yesterday, we had a fight over something stupid and I left to do some grocery shopping only to come home and find him jacking-off to some porn site. I was totally disgusted. We'd only had sex a few hours before that. He said he was just looking at some porn and decided to masterbate because he (1) I wasn't there and (2) he figured that since we were mad at each other that I wouldn't have sex with him anyway.

 

I hate his porn habit. I wouldn't feel so negatively about it if we watched it together. I even suggested that we play porn-copycat and when we did, he turned it off because he said that what we were doing together was more interesting...basically, I'm wondering what's up with him. What's his deal with porn when he has me to do it with him whenever he wants? Sure we argue, but I also really like make-up sex.

 

I've seen his little internet porn stash and he says he doesn't look it very much, but every time I go into the room, he's quickly minimizing the screen. I figure he's looking at porn...then later, he comes to have sex with me and I'm beginning to wonder if he's fantasizing about other women while he's doing it with me...I'm beginning to be turned off by my husband because of this...what should I do?

[norajane]

Have you ever discussed it with him? I mean discussed it in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory, non-angry with raised voice and near tears kind of way?

 

You are taking it personally, but he may not necessarily see it that way at all. Guys masturbate to porn from their teens onward - long before he ever met you - and associate masturbation and porn very closely. It may be a habit to him, and it may be that he thinks you want him to stop masturbating if you are asking him to stop using porn to do so. You aren't asking that he stop masturbating altogether, are you?

 

Also, consider your sex life. Are you happy? Satisfied? Do you get it enough and how you want it? If your sex life is good, you can bet his porn use has nothing do with dissatisfaction in sex, or dissatisfaction with you - masturbating to porn is in addition to your sex life, just like your own masturbation is in addition to and not a replacement of or a sign of dissatisfaction.

 

Anyway, I would suggest discussing it openly with him in a calm way and really listen to what he is saying and try to understand where he is coming from. It may ease some of your concerns and fears. You can also explain how it makes you feel - but be careful to avoid the trap of telling him what his porn use "means". His view and yours are not the same on this issue, and what you think it means isn't what it means to him.

[Jersey Shortie]

Actually, I understand. If I know my guy has been looking at porn I am usually completely turned off by him and disgusted as well. I don't want him to touch me because I don't feel like I can be vulnerable with him. And God only knows that the very real possiblity is he might be thinking of a woman he just saw in a porn. I don't think it's too much to ask of men for them to at the very least be actually thinking about the person they are with when they are actually having physical sex with them.

 

He keeps doing something he knows hurts/bothers you even though you obviously make the effort to make your sex like as active as possible. He really should be meeting you half way here and put down the porn since you are making yourself aviable to him as possible. It doesn't jive with me that you leave to go grocery shopping for only a few hours and he can't manage to stay away from porn for that long until you get back. I think we have this over indulged society that seems to think that as soon as someone isn't there to meet a need of yours, instead of showing some self control, you should meet it by any means you can as soon as need be. It's kind of ridiculous and sad.

 

 

 

I hate his porn habit. I wouldn't feel so negatively about it if we watched it together. I even suggested that we play porn-copycat and when we did, he turned it off because he said that what we were doing together was more interesting...basically, I'm wondering what's up with him. What's his deal with porn when he has me to do it with him whenever he wants? Sure we argue, but I also really like make-up sex.

 

I've seen his little internet porn stash and he says he doesn't look it very much, but every time I go into the room, he's quickly minimizing the screen. I figure he's looking at porn...then later, he comes to have sex with me and I'm beginning to wonder if he's fantasizing about other women while he's doing it with me...I'm beginning to be turned off by my husband because of this...what should I do?

 

Seriously. You really need to tell him all this. Exactly this. You hate his porn habit. You attempted to make porn a part of the sex and that didn't work. YOu make yourself aviable for sex and he and you aren't happy. You wonder if he thinks about other women when he is with you and his actions are making you feel less close and drawn to him. You need to tell him all those points because they are very important.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sex with a partner and masturbation with porn are not the same and do not satisfy the same sets of needs. Just because a man has a satisfying sex life, doesn't mean he will stop masturbating. Porn is just a tool to move things along quicker.

 

I wouldn't feel so negatively about it if we watched it together. I even suggested that we play porn-copycat and when we did, he turned it off because he said that what we were doing together was more interesting...basically, I'm wondering what's up with him.

 

Masturbation is a private thing for a man - something he does on his own that has nothing to do with you - I'm not sure why you would try to insert yourself into a part of his life that doesn't have anything to do with you. You want to replace masturbation and porn with sex, but it doesn't really work that way. He could be having sex with you every day of the week and still have those separate urges to masturbate (and use porn to do it - like I said, it is just a visual stimulation that gets him going - the more variety, the quicker the job).

 

It doesn't mean that he is dissatisfied with you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he wants other women. It doesn't mean he fantasizes about other women when he is with you. All it means is that masturbation and sex are not the same. He has one set of habits for masturbation and one set of habits for sex.

 

What to do? See a licensed sex therapist who will help you understand him better and see things from his point of view, and help your husband understand you better and see things from your point of view.

 

Until you and he can see things from each other's point of view and be willing to respect the differences you each have on this issue, you may as well divorce now. You can assert your control and force him to stop, but he will secretly harbor resentment. Your sex life will go from pleasurable to obligational, and he will simply look for a different outlet for pleasure. More porn? An OW? It could happen eventually.

 

Don't let that happen. Honest communication is the key here - and the best way to do that is to go through an objective third party who has a solid understanding of sexuality and working through sexual problems.

[Lookingforward]

What IS it with women and porn ? As long as your guy is still into you and isn't substituting masturbation and porn for real live sex with you - get over it already

[Jersey Shortie]

What is it with men and porn and their consistent dedication to it? Why don't men "just get over it" and put the porn down for a change.

[blind_otter]

I'm sure the OP is upset about this, but I just remembered that my S/O went to drop his son off at his friend's house the other day and came home and caught me masturbating to porn.

 

It's weird how men and women react differently to porn. When he caught me, he just wanted in on the action. He didn't get upset, emotional, self-consious, or angry with me. He just dropped his pants and wanted to get it on.

 

I'm sure there are literally thousands of men out there who desperately wish their wives/GFs would react the same way.

 

I guess I totally understand porn use because I use it too. And FWIW, I don't watch porn that degrades women.

[RavenHair]

Have you ever discussed it with him? I mean discussed it in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory, non-angry with raised voice and near tears kind of way?.

 

Yes, I've discussed it with him in a civilized way and all he could say was "Well, all guys look at porn, all guys masterbate...it's normal." This has never been an issue in any of my other relationships. My past BFs welcomed the fact that I liked sex as much as they did - some said they'd prefer the real thing to porn any day, so I don't know what's going on with my husband. Now we're not talking to each other. He's mad because he thinks I'm being unreasonable, and I'm mad because he's not willing to have a civilized conversation about it. I know he'll still look at it, but it just creeps me out when I know he's looking at porn and then coming to have sex with me or wacking off to it. I'm trying not to take it personally, but it's hard. If the shoe were on the other foot, he'd feel the same way I do. For example, we were watching the UFC and I made a comment about Roger Huerta getting punched in the face. I said it was a shame because he has a nice face...that's all. My husband got a bit bothered and said that he was going to turn the station. I just made one harmless comment, it's not like I was masterbating to Roger Huerta...but none the less, my husband was offended. I didn't think it was anything to be offended about, but he did

[Jersey Shortie]

It's weird how men and women react differently to porn. When he caught me, he just wanted in on the action. He didn't get upset, emotional, self-consious, or angry with me. He just dropped his pants and wanted to get it on.

 

I'm sure there are literally thousands of men out there who desperately wish their wives/GFs would react the same way.

 

 

Was the porn you were watching focused on the men or the women? i find that men think this way because most porn is still all about men and what they desire and want. Most porn is focuses on the women, not the man. Sure you see bits and parts of the man in the movie but it's nothing compared to the way women are shown in it. It's easy for guys to want women to be looking at this and getting turned on because it's not as big a threat as if she were more focused on super imposed images and ideas of other men.

 

Raven, it sounds like you need to get a third party to hel you two with this issue. He should at the very least be open to hearing you out and it seems like he is pretty closed off to even that. The truth is men don't have it thrown in their faces like women do when it comes to porn. I know lots of men say they would be cool with it but I also know lots of men that get easily jealous from the little comments made, such as the one you made about Roger Huerta. Take porn and magnify that like 10 times, and that's what women deal with everyday.

[RavenHair]

Thank you Jersey. I was trying to get that point across to him, but he missed it. If men had to "just deal with" women in their lives getting off to images of other men, they would have a huge problem with it. Double standards I guess...

[Mr. Lucky]

The truth is men don't have it thrown in their faces like women do when it comes to porn.

Jersey, what don't you take break from your soapbox and look at the reality of the OP's situation. Porn and masturbation have been an issue in the OP's marriage once in a year plus. She's not exactly suffering from neglect or emotional abuse, your consistent preaching aside.

 

Ravenhair, it sounds like you've got a good marriage and specifically a great sexual relationship. Why isn't that enough? Your H has done something that all men do from the age of 10 on. Are you so insecure that the fact that he didn't have your picture in front of him while beating off is affecting you this much? I just don't get it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JerseyShortie]

I'm sorry Mr. Lucky but it seems his actions are causing distrust and disconnection for her towards him. I think it's perfectly natural to be wondering if your husband/boyfriend is thinking about you or the porn women he was just fantasizing about when he comes to you, when you know he was just looking at porn. I don't think it's too much for a woman to ask to actually be the woman he is thinking about when he is physically with you. Or do you think that's too much for women to ask for? I ask seriously.

 

I could be mistaken but this doesn't just sound like a one time issue. He doesn't want to deal with her or her feelings on the issue and rather lie/hide the porn then give the time and attention his real life woman needs. That doesn't exactly sound like a mate that is concerned about the other person or the state of the relationship. Or do you think it does? Heck, she even suggested looking at it together and he still pushed her away.

 

I know that alot of guys like to pull out the "insecurity" card like it's a four letter word but it's 100% natural for there to be a bridge of distrust and insecurity when you know your man is indirectly still seeking out other women. It is very naturally going to cause questions and concerns. I think it's just as natural as it's natural for a man to be turned on by porn. Do men want to be put down and blown off and mocked for liking porn? I don't think they do. So why is it acceptable to put down, mock, blow off the women that are hurt by the porn?

 

We know why a guy is looking at porn. It's not about respecting women in general and it's certainly not about respecting your partner. It's about the "variety". It's an action a man is taking that is opposite to him saying he wants a committed relationship. I actually think it's unfair for a man to not see how this can cause insecurity all the while, while he still seeks out porn. Showing what is more important to him. Obviously the porn is so important, it's important enough to hide and lie about to the real woman. That is the extreme and lengths he is going to so that he can still have the porn and he is doing it at the cost of hurting his partner. That's a high price and value that the man himself is placing on the porn. And as a woman, if a guy is going to the extreme to lie and hide porn, it's very telling about how much he values it. Especially with compared to his relationship with his SO.

[Lookingforward]

I'm sorry Mr. Lucky but it seems his actions are causing distrust and disconnection for her towards him. I think it's perfectly natural to be wondering if your husband/boyfriend is thinking about you or the porn women he was just fantasizing about when he comes to you, when you know he was just looking at porn. I don't think it's too much for a woman to ask to actually be the woman he is thinking about when he is physically with you. Or do you think that's too much for women to ask for? I ask seriously.

 

I could be mistaken but this doesn't just sound like a one time issue. He doesn't want to deal with her or her feelings on the issue and rather lie/hide the porn then give the time and attention his real life woman needs. That doesn't exactly sound like a mate that is concerned about the other person or the state of the relationship. Or do you think it does? Heck, she even suggested looking at it together and he still pushed her away.

 

I know that alot of guys like to pull out the "insecurity" card like it's a four letter word but it's 100% natural for there to be a bridge of distrust and insecurity when you know your man is indirectly still seeking out other women. It is very naturally going to cause questions and concerns. I think it's just as natural as it's natural for a man to be turned on by porn. Do men want to be put down and blown off and mocked for liking porn? I don't think they do. So why is it acceptable to put down, mock, blow off the women that are hurt by the porn?

 

We know why a guy is looking at porn. It's not about respecting women in general and it's certainly not about respecting your partner. It's about the "variety". It's an action a man is taking that is opposite to him saying he wants a committed relationship. I actually think it's unfair for a man to not see how this can cause insecurity all the while, while he still seeks out porn. Showing what is more important to him. Obviously the porn is so important, it's important enough to hide and lie about to the real woman. That is the extreme and lengths he is going to so that he can still have the porn and he is doing it at the cost of hurting his partner. That's a high price and value that the man himself is placing on the porn. And as a woman, if a guy is going to the extreme to lie and hide porn, it's very telling about how much he values it. Especially with compared to his relationship with his SO.

 

But he wasn't "actively seeking out other women", he wasn't "thinking about another (porn) woman while with her PHYSICALLY" (she wasn't there).

 

I think Mr Lucky is right , you sure have a soapbox issue with this subject.

 

It IS insecurity issues - it's not like you can control what a partner is THINKING about (much as some may like to try)

[Jennifer26]

Unfortunately, I can totally relate here.

 

You know, porn doesn't even really bother me so much. My husband checking out another woman here and there doesn't either. I get that men are visual creatures, really I do. And I get that sometimes they like having a look and that doesn't mean they don't care about you, or aren't attracted to you.

 

However, my husband doesn't just look occasionally. He looks pretty much every single day, and he comes to me for sex less as a result. I am a pretty sexual person, and I have told him countless times, I'm ready to go everyday, even more - but he doesn't take me up on that. I also realize sometimes men want something quick, and easy, and porn is part fantasy for them. I could see if maybe sleeping with me everyday wasn't really something he wants to do - but he chooses the porn and masterbation more than he chooses me. I guess that is the part that bothers me and hurts. I am open to try new things in bed, I usually do my hair/makeup, wear sexy lingerie and so forth. I try to be active and definitely do my share in the bedroom. But still, it seems he almost prefers the porn.

 

Maybe being with me for so long I am just not exciting enough? I don't know. Is this what happens when you're with a person for a decade? Or is there more to it?

 

He also has a friend who comes over about once a month to "make cd's" which is code for making porn dvd's off of my husband's collection since he has no computer and access to the free online pornography. I realize what is going on, but I've decided it isn't worth a fight. But this past weekend we had a BBQ for fathers day and my husband decided to invite him. While outside, with all of my family, my husband brings his laptop out and he and his friend were looking at stuff. I went through the history later that night and sure enough, porn site after porn site. He was making himself more dvd's WITH MY KIDS AND FAMILY RIGHT THERE. And my husband allowed it and looked right along with him.

 

I had it out with my husband over this, and he did agree that it was a bad move and apologized. But I feel he is just placating me and I am so sick and tired of porn everywhere I look.

 

It seems sometimes as though my husbands main hobby is looking at other women, and I am so sick and tired of it. To the point I am really starting to resent him and find myself thinking about being with another man (not sexually, just in a different relationship) quite often.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately, I can totally relate here.

 

You know, porn doesn't even really bother me so much. My husband checking out another woman here and there doesn't either. I get that men are visual creatures, really I do. And I get that sometimes they like having a look and that doesn't mean they don't care about you, or aren't attracted to you.

 

However, my husband doesn't just look occasionally. He looks pretty much every single day, and he comes to me for sex less as a result. I am a pretty sexual person, and I have told him countless times, I'm ready to go everyday, even more - but he doesn't take me up on that. I also realize sometimes men want something quick, and easy, and porn is part fantasy for them. I could see if maybe sleeping with me everyday wasn't really something he wants to do - but he chooses the porn and masterbation more than he chooses me. I guess that is the part that bothers me and hurts. I am open to try new things in bed, I usually do my hair/makeup, wear sexy lingerie and so forth. I try to be active and definitely do my share in the bedroom. But still, it seems he almost prefers the porn.

 

Maybe being with me for so long I am just not exciting enough? I don't know. Is this what happens when you're with a person for a decade? Or is there more to it?

 

He also has a friend who comes over about once a month to "make cd's" which is code for making porn dvd's off of my husband's collection since he has no computer and access to the free online pornography. I realize what is going on, but I've decided it isn't worth a fight. But this past weekend we had a BBQ for fathers day and my husband decided to invite him. While outside, with all of my family, my husband brings his laptop out and he and his friend were looking at stuff. I went through the history later that night and sure enough, porn site after porn site. He was making himself more dvd's WITH MY KIDS AND FAMILY RIGHT THERE. And my husband allowed it and looked right along with him.

 

I had it out with my husband over this, and he did agree that it was a bad move and apologized. But I feel he is just placating me and I am so sick and tired of porn everywhere I look.

 

It seems sometimes as though my husbands main hobby is looking at other women, and I am so sick and tired of it. To the point I am really starting to resent him and find myself thinking about being with another man (not sexually, just in a different relationship) quite often.

A totally different issue than the OP and your H's activity is wrong on many levels. First off, ANY activity indulged in excess that interferes with your M is general and your sexual relationship in particular is wrong and selfish - forget porn, it could be model airplanes. Secondly, someone that would look at porn on a laptop at a family BBQ has issues beyond what can be addressed on an internet forum. He needs help...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey Shortie]

 

But he wasn't "actively seeking out other women", he wasn't "thinking about another (porn) woman while with her PHYSICALLY" (she wasn't there).

 

I think Mr Lucky is right , you sure have a soapbox issue with this subject.

 

It IS insecurity issues - it's not like you can control what a partner is THINKING about (much as some may like to try)

 

 

Well actually , yes he is actively but indirectly seeking out other women. I've heard so many men say that they view porn because it helps them not to cheat. Which in itself is sad but I digress. If men are using it as a substitute not toe sleep with real women, he is using it as a source to indirectly seek out other women. And in all honest, how do you know he isn't thinking about other porn women when he is actually intimate with her? That is something that I have heard men say is true.

 

I know I tend to talk alot about this subject but it truly gets to me and it's really rather disheartening. And truly getting men to be sensitive and understanding towards this subject seems a bit like finding a unicorn. I also never denied that part of my issue with this is insecurity. But that is not the only reason and there are things that are own parters do that either make us feel secure within the relaltionship or insecure. And for alot of women, porn makes them feel insecure about their relationship with their man.

 

 

 

 

 

- forget porn, it could be model airplanes.

 

Yes, you notice all the other topics started in here about women concerened about a husband model airplane addiction. Heck, I think most women would be thanking god if a man actually had a model airplane hobby instead of spending his time with pornography.

[Jennifer26]

A totally different issue than the OP and your H's activity is wrong on many levels. First off, ANY activity indulged in excess that interferes with your M is general and your sexual relationship in particular is wrong and selfish - forget porn, it could be model airplanes. Secondly, someone that would look at porn on a laptop at a family BBQ has issues beyond what can be addressed on an internet forum. He needs help...

 

Mr. Lucky

Thanks for the reply, Mr. Lucky. It is nice to get a guys perspective as well.

 

I agree he needs help as well, and I once made him go to marriage counseling with me. But he is very unwilling to change this behavior or accept that it is unhealthy.

 

The only thing he has ever done in the past when it has become an issue is to take further measures to lie and hide it from me. Which upsets me I think even more than the original issue. So I don't even bother bringing it up anymore.

 

Instead I've just become passive aggressive about the entire issue, and like I said it has come to a point where I find I resent him and it is certainly taking a toll on my overall feelings towards him.

 

I am just sick and tired of having a husband that is constantly lusting after other women. It has taken a huge toll on my self esteem, my trust, everything. I'm not sure that I can continue on like this for too much longer and it is a real shame because other than this I love everything about him.

[luvstarved]

Yes this can be a problem and can be harmless. Just like any potentially addictive thing. A few drinks here and there, no problem. Getting drunk every night and ignoring your spouse, etc. PROBLEM!!!

 

I can sympathize with Jennifer26. My H and I went through sexless M for years. In the end, for him, it was basic lazy/selfish stuff, looking at porn and whacking off was easy and comfortable for him, so why bother himself with my pesky needs? It was very difficult breaking out of that, and our sex life still is not what it should be, although it has been gradually improving.

 

I never told him not to look at porn. I never told him not to do anything. I just told him that he was free to do as he pleased, but that I was not going to live in a sexless M forever.

 

But as far as the porn goes, I do get a little sick of the "boys' club" mentality surrounding this: It is inherent in men and women will never ever get it. I do think that is BS. Of course it is inherent in people to be attracted to multiple people and for men that is more visual than it is for women. But I do not get the part that it is supposed to be entirely OK, what happened to being at the top of the food chain and "master of your domain"?

 

If we go with nature, then let's have the girls' club validated too...then it is okay for women to use sex as a weapon to get what they want, right? Some do, anyway, but does anyone really think that it is "ok" because "that's how we are, we can't help it" (as we bat eyelashes).

 

Guys hate to see women drooling over rich or successful or even just buff guys ("how shallow") but feel their very nature is being insulted if women complain when they make wide-eyed slack-jawed asses of themselves staring at T&A.

 

Sure some of this happens somewhat subconsciously, and really, if my H wants to devote some of his sexual energy to porn and masturbation, I can't say I'm happy about it, but I am rational and reasonable and can certainly accept it. But when it affects our sex life together, as it severely did, I can't and won't live with it.

 

My (RIP) deceased brother lived alone and was seriously into porn and strip clubs and the whole bit and who cared? Nobody got left out of anything and it made him happy. But in a LTR, there needs to be mutual agreement on these things and almost any agreement is going to require some degree of mutual self-control. If a guy can't do that, well, maybe he should go live alone in his virtual paradise.

 

My last point is that porn today is different from yesteryear...I think the addiction potential is much higher when you have streaming video and easy completely free and anonymous access to whatever your "heart" desires. I think it was easier for guys to keep in check when it was a few magazines that they had to physically hide and go out into public to obtain.

[JerseyShortie]

But as far as the porn goes, I do get a little sick of the "boys' club" mentality surrounding this...

 

Agree.

 

 

My last point is that porn today is different from yesteryear...I think the addiction potential is much higher when you have streaming video and easy completely free and anonymous access to whatever your "heart" desires. I think it was easier for guys to keep in check when it was a few magazines that they had to physically hide and go out into public to obtain.

 

Again I agree. Picking up the ocasional playboy is nothing like the access that men have today to porn. And I think we are living in a time where more men are spending more time looking at more porn now then ever. I just wonder how that bodes for men, women and their relationships. And how it bodes for the young girls and boys growing up with that on the table.

 

It's not like I don't get why porn turns men on. But it would be nice if men prided themselves on self control instead of being lazy and self-involved to make excuses for any little twitch of desire they feel. I think I speak for most women when I say that most women respect a man that practices and uses self control out of his love for his family and his wife/girlfriend. However, unfortunetly today, I don't think we have many men that care to use self control.

 

f we go with nature, then let's have the girls' club validated too...then it is okay for women to use sex as a weapon to get what they want, right? Some do, anyway, but does anyone really think that it is "ok" because "that's how we are, we can't help it" (as we bat eyelashes).

 

Again I agree. Lets add money into that mix. Since it's natural for women to want providers. Lets exploit men for their money and use them for this and then go back to the man we "really" love afterwards.

[Mr. Lucky]

But as far as the porn goes, I do get a little sick of the "boys' club" mentality surrounding this: It is inherent in men and women will never ever get it. I do think that is BS. Of course it is inherent in people to be attracted to multiple people and for men that is more visual than it is for women. But I do not get the part that it is supposed to be entirely OK, what happened to being at the top of the food chain and "master of your domain"?

Well, it's a Catch-22 for most men. Our women look deep into our eyes and say "I want to be your soulmate, your best friend. Have no fear, be honest with me and tell me everything". And yet when we do, the reaction of some women is "You pig! How could you think that?". Maybe the military has the right idea - Don't Ask, Don't Tell .

 

I'm sure that it is threatening for some women, just as women's nesting instinct is threatening to some men. Personally, I'd rather celebrate the differences than agonize over them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[annieo]

I think what has irritated me most about my h's "porn use" (in the past) is the sneaky aspect. It's kind of unnerving to think that every time you go out to run an errand, every time you go to bed first, then BOOM, he's got out the laptop (love that word - so accurate !!!) and is quickly and discreetly yanking one off before you return, or come downstairs for a glass of water.

 

I appreciate that masturbation is usually a solitary activity, and I don't always tell my h if I've done it, or if I've done it with some porn (which I do occasionally), but if he asks, I tell. And I don't do it if it will interfere with our sex life (as a woman, this isn't usually a problem. We don't have a set limit of orgasms, and as long as you aren't dehydrated or pissed off, well ...).

 

But the furtive, sneaky part, well, it just makes you feel like you are being cheated on somehow. Not rational, I know, but that's how it feels.

 

So now, if I am really interested in knowing, I ask my husband if/when he's been masturbating to porn. Might seem a little invasive, but because we have other trust issues (due to his lying about strip club visits) he and I realize that sometimes, I just need to know the truth, so I know he's capable of it.

 

I'm not on his case daily, or weekly. Every month or so, I get curious. And I don't get all upset when he says he has. Every time he is frank with me, it helps to rebuild the trust. No secrets, no lies, open dialogue.

 

IMO, when you live with someone, you don't have the right to complete and total privacy. Someone else's life is deeply entwined with yours, and your decisions affect them. They have a right to know who you are.

[morelaugh]

Let me ask you all something.

 

If a man has psychological erectile problems, both men and women (me included) will tell the wife to be patient, not to make a big deal about it and to do everything in her power to help him deal with it.

 

If a woman has psychological problems with porn – and, as a result, looses her interest in sex with her partner - both men and women (me excluded) tell her she is just insecure, it’s her problem and to ‘get over it’.

Please tell me what the difference is.

 

Both situations stem from insecurities.

Why people look favourably on male insecurities, but are so harsh when it comes to female insecurities?

 

Or maybe it’s nothing to do with gender?

But if not, what then?

[Mr. Lucky]

You raise some interesting points. But I don't think that, in the case of ED, people very often point to the partner as the sole cause of the insecurity and resulting problem. To continue your analogy, part of the treatment is to help the insecure partner look within to bolster their own self-image and confidence. They accept at least partial responsibility for the changes necessary to address the issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[morelaugh]

You raise some interesting points. But I don't think that, in the case of ED, people very often point to the partner as the sole cause of the insecurity and resulting problem...

Mr. Lucky

That’s true.

However, if there was a single thing a woman could do to make him feel heaps better, I’m sure he would ask for it (even though it doesn’t solve the root of the problem).

 

To continue your analogy, part of the treatment is to help the insecure partner look within to bolster their own self-image and confidence. They accept at least partial responsibility for the changes necessary to address the issue...

Mr. Lucky

Yes, but even if a woman accepts ‘at least partial responsibility’, she is still expected to deal with it by herself.

 

Most men who answer those threads are not prepared to be kind and compassionate and helpful – in fact, general ‘consensus’ is usually: “It’s your insecurities, it's your problem, deal with it. I don’t have to do a single thing, apart from being annoyed by your problem.”

 

I can’t help but imagining a guy who’s having trouble getting it up and the woman telling him the same thing.

I bet everyone here would think she’s a b*tch.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can tell you this Raven - when the discussion focuses on "who is right/who is wrong and who needs to change" then nothing will happen but an escalation to anger/frustration/arguing.

 

Take the focus off of that, put aside both of your POV's for the time being, set up an appointment with a relationship counselor/sex therapist, and then air your differences through that objective third party. The therapist will help you keep the discussion focused on where it should be: whether or not a compromise can be made that will satisfy you both.

 

If you do not want a compromise - ie: you demand complete control over his private masturbation life, then understand this - he will be as resentful toward you over that as you are over him using it now. You and he will go nowhere fast until you can learn to communicate better and learn to see this situation from each others' point of view.

 

It doesn't matter who is right or wrong. What matters is finding the balance that works for you both.