Another porn question...

[Mr. Lucky]

There are lots of women who post here who are in their 20's and 30's, sexually available and enticing, who have partner who has turned off them

Your post would make more sense if you said "There are lots of PEOPLE, MEN AND WOMEN, who post here"....The "turned off" partner syndrome isn't limited to women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[soserious1]

annieo

 

I appreciate your kind response, I really do. My intent in posting though was more to share the POV of one of those ölder women" JS posts so much about.

 

 

I can accept the porn, I can accept the way his head immediately snaps to when a pretty young woman walks by, I can gloss over the way conversation stops as he watches her from the front view then turns to check out the back view. I can even I suppose stretch to accept that he no longer finds me sexually desirable.

 

What I cannot accept, the piece that hurts and wounds is his lack of honesty. I didn't sit down and deliberately do anything to become physically undesirable to him, I got old, not something I had a choice in. Treating me like you're doing me a favor by having sex with me also hurts, doing so and acting like there's something wrong with me for noticing this hurts even worse. He claims to love me more than life itself..insulting my intellect is not the way to go about demonstrating love.

 

As far as repairing things, I can probably honor my wedding vows and stay married in a civil manner but the sexual issues.. we're too far gone, we've had sex so rarely that it feels too ackward and weird, I don't enjoy feeling like another item on his chore list, he's welcome at this point to all the porn

he cares to d/load.

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Wow, I just read this whole thread in one sitting. I obviously had nothing else to do tonight. While I feel bad for Jen and SoSerious1's plight, this is a rediculous subject to spend 14 pages arguing about. I feel rediculous just reading about it for 14 pages.

 

While I don't completely agree with you Jersey Shorty, I do respect your tenacity. You're not a semi-constant annoyance in this thread, unlike Dr. Phil and his "sexual-integrity", and other catch phrases he's been touting from his moral high ground. I do agree that some porn degrades women, but that's not hard to see. My issue is that it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. So what if porn stars are hotter, younger, and have bigger boobs than you? That's the point! That's why they make the big bucks (I guess?)! In my opinion, the women that this affects should stop letting it affect their self esteem so much. If your sexual relationship with your partner is great, with or without porn, then that's all that matters! If you're secure enough in your relationship to get over the fact that your partner MIGHT be thinking about what it MIGHT be like to do it with someone else besides you than you're doing ok. It's not like your partner can run off with a pornstar. It's not like they put the pornstar's contact info up on the screen when they're done, saying "Call me and we'll do it in your local Motel 6!" It's just not realistic. I've always believed that it's "ok to look, not touch." As long as you don't act on your porn fantasies your ok. I'm not going to pretend like my opinion is gospel though, unlike some other people's perspectives that I've read on here.

 

Yes, I'm a man. I'm married, and my wife has no problem with my viewing of porn and taking care of myself sometimes. We almost never go to bed at the same time, as I'm often up late and she goes to bed semi-early (tonight is a perfect example). So she has no problem if I view porn and take care of myself instead of waking her up from a dead sleep. She watches porn too, and uses it to take care of herself as well, though not as frequently as me, and we do incorporate it into our bedroom activities. We do it plenty of times a week as well, so it's not like I'm denying her either. I just have a high sex drive and she's asleep most of the time I'm ready to "get it on."

 

So to recap, I'm not a "porno-king", but I'm not an anti-porn Saint either. I'm not in anybody's "integrity camp."

[trust]

Wow, I just read this whole thread in one sitting. I obviously had nothing else to do tonight. While I feel bad for Jen and SoSerious1's plight, this is a rediculous subject to spend 14 pages arguing about. I feel rediculous just reading about it for 14 pages.

 

While I don't completely agree with you Jersey Shorty, I do respect your tenacity. You're not a semi-constant annoyance in this thread, unlike Dr. Phil and his "sexual-integrity", and other catch phrases he's been touting from his moral high ground. I do agree that some porn degrades women, but that's not hard to see. My issue is that it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. So what if porn stars are hotter, younger, and have bigger boobs than you? That's the point! That's why they make the big bucks (I guess?)! In my opinion, the women that this affects should stop letting it affect their self esteem so much. If your sexual relationship with your partner is great, with or without porn, then that's all that matters! If you're secure enough in your relationship to get over the fact that your partner MIGHT be thinking about what it MIGHT be like to do it with someone else besides you than you're doing ok. It's not like your partner can run off with a pornstar. It's not like they put the pornstar's contact info up on the screen when they're done, saying "Call me and we'll do it in your local Motel 6!" It's just not realistic. I've always believed that it's "ok to look, not touch." As long as you don't act on your porn fantasies your ok. I'm not going to pretend like my opinion is gospel though, unlike some other people's perspectives that I've read on here.

 

Yes, I'm a man. I'm married, and my wife has no problem with my viewing of porn and taking care of myself sometimes. We almost never go to bed at the same time, as I'm often up late and she goes to bed semi-early (tonight is a perfect example). So she has no problem if I view porn and take care of myself instead of waking her up from a dead sleep. She watches porn too, and uses it to take care of herself as well, though not as frequently as me, and we do incorporate it into our bedroom activities. We do it plenty of times a week as well, so it's not like I'm denying her either. I just have a high sex drive and she's asleep most of the time I'm ready to "get it on."

 

So to recap, I'm not a "porno-king", but I'm not an anti-porn Saint either. I'm not in anybody's "integrity camp."

 

Ouch. Dr. Phil. I actually can’t stand that guy. And it’s cool that you call me a “semi-constant annoyance” as well. I’d hate to be similar to you. So pointing out our differences is fine as well. The lazy thing to do is avoid talking or even addressing the subject of sexual integrity and pass me off to some stupid moral high ground. It’s what I expected of you. If you have low sexual integrity and your wife has low sexual integrity then great! I’m sure that works. Sounds like you were made for each other. After considering the varying level of integrity amongst married couples, I think your point was Jen would see that it would be “ok” if she just dumbs it down and accepts it. For real? Is that the best you’ve got?

 

You're logic was "I won't talk about integrity...but hey look at me! I do it... my wife does it...and we're still married. This means it's ok." Seriously?? And you did an end-run around sexual integrity when you said "the women that this affects should stop letting it affect their self esteem so much."... you did a "table-turn" and now this is the women's problem? wow...there's some anti-wisdom right there.

 

So to recap, being a “porno-king (porn in marriage watcher and promoter)” does put you in the low to no integrity camp. You just lack the understanding to realize it. The bum in the street doesn't see himself as a bum in the street - he's just homeless.

[annieo]

Your post would make more sense if you said "There are lots of PEOPLE, MEN AND WOMEN, who post here"....The "turned off" partner syndrome isn't limited to women...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Quite right, Mr. L, I stand corrected

[annieo]

annieo

 

I appreciate your kind response, I really do. My intent in posting though was more to share the POV of one of those ölder women" JS posts so much about.

 

 

I can accept the porn, I can accept the way his head immediately snaps to when a pretty young woman walks by, I can gloss over the way conversation stops as he watches her from the front view then turns to check out the back view. I can even I suppose stretch to accept that he no longer finds me sexually desirable.

 

What I cannot accept, the piece that hurts and wounds is his lack of honesty. I didn't sit down and deliberately do anything to become physically undesirable to him, I got old, not something I had a choice in. Treating me like you're doing me a favor by having sex with me also hurts, doing so and acting like there's something wrong with me for noticing this hurts even worse. He claims to love me more than life itself..insulting my intellect is not the way to go about demonstrating love.

 

As far as repairing things, I can probably honor my wedding vows and stay married in a civil manner but the sexual issues.. we're too far gone, we've had sex so rarely that it feels too ackward and weird, I don't enjoy feeling like another item on his chore list, he's welcome at this point to all the porn

he cares to d/load.

 

I think what I was trying to say is that you DON'T have to accept any and all of his bad behavior.

Yes, we all have to compromise at times, pick our battles, but I think what is more troubling is that your husband isn't loving to you. It would be easier to accept his girl ogling if your were one of the girls he was ogling.

I think ALL men at least notice when there is an attractive woman in the vicinity, but the nice ones are discreet about it. Men like your H are not, and that's not very respectful to you OR the woman he is leering at.

Frankly, it sounds like he has a bit of a problem with women in general. Are you sure you want to be with this person for the rest of your life? Has he always been this way? Is he capable of toning it down a little bit, out of love and respect for you? Have you had this conversation with him, and not backed down/chickened out when he got defensive?

And you should STOP apologizing for getting old. It happens to us all, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Honey, there are men who PREFER women of a certain age - they may not be in the majority, but they are out there (believe me, I know!). Take care of yourself, take pride in your wisdom and experience and start walking around with your head held high.

[soserious1]

Wow, I just read this whole thread in one sitting. I obviously had nothing else to do tonight. While I feel bad for Jen and SoSerious1's plight, this is a rediculous subject to spend 14 pages arguing about. I feel rediculous just reading about it for 14 pages.

 

While I don't completely agree with you Jersey Shorty, I do respect your tenacity. You're not a semi-constant annoyance in this thread, unlike Dr. Phil and his "sexual-integrity", and other catch phrases he's been touting from his moral high ground. I do agree that some porn degrades women, but that's not hard to see. My issue is that it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. So what if porn stars are hotter, younger, and have bigger boobs than you? That's the point! That's why they make the big bucks (I guess?)! In my opinion, the women that this affects should stop letting it affect their self esteem so much. If your sexual relationship with your partner is great, with or without porn, then that's all that matters! If you're secure enough in sour relationship to get over the fact that your partner MIGHT be thinking about what it MIGHT be like to do it with someone else besides you than you're doing ok. It's not like your partner can run off with a pornstar. It's not like they put the pornstar's contact info up on the screen when they're done, saying "Call me and we'll do it in your local Motel 6!" It's just not realistic. I've always believed that it's "ok to look, not touch." As long as you don't act on your porn fantasies your ok. I'm not going to pretend like my opinion is gospel though, unlike some other people's perspectives that I've read on here.

 

Yes, I'm a man. I'm married, and my wife has no problem with my viewing of porn and taking care of myself sometimes. We almost never go to bed at the same time, as I'm often up late and she goes to bed semi-early (tonight is a perfect example). So she has no problem if I view porn and take care of myself instead of waking her up from a dead sleep. She watches porn too, and uses it to take care of herself as well, though not as frequently as me, and we do incorporate it into our bedroom activities. We do it plenty of times a week as well, so it's not like I'm denying her either. I just have a high sex drive and she's asleep most of the time I'm ready to "get it on."

 

So to recap, I'm not a "porno-king", but I'm not an anti-porn Saint either. I'm not in anybody's "integrity camp."

 

If your wife is asleep most of the times when you're ready to get it on,how does that equal a terrific sexual life? Not trying to be picky here but the two statements seem at odds with each other.

 

And as far as the porn goes, I have no problem seeing and knowing that the stars are all "hotter,younger and have bigger boobs" and my husband has no problems letting me know this in ways subtle and not so subtle.

 

My issue is not with the porn per say but rather with a man who seemingly wants it all ways...

 

I can accept that he lusts/longs for things that I can never be or never give him.. what I can't accept is that I'm supposed to walk around acting like I'm in a great marriage with a loving husband.Reality... he doesn't want me,I'm too old to excite him sexually. He's angry because I speak reality and reject the chaste,non-sexual love he offers up as proof of his devotion.I also feel that on some level it offends him that at my age I still have any interest in sexuality and he gets upset because I refuse to stay quietly in the grandmother/mother/sisterly love compartment he's placed me in.

[soserious1]

I think what I was trying to say is that you DON'T have to accept any and all of his bad behavior.

Yes, we all have to compromise at times, pick our battles, but I think what is more troubling is that your husband isn't loving to you. It would be easier to accept his girl ogling if your were one of the girls he was ogling.

I think ALL men at least notice when there is an attractive woman in the vicinity, but the nice ones are discreet about it. Men like your H are not, and that's not very respectful to you OR the woman he is leering at.

Frankly, it sounds like he has a bit of a problem with women in general. Are you sure you want to be with this person for the rest of your life? Has he always been this way? Is he capable of toning it down a little bit, out of love and respect for you? Have you had this conversation with him, and not backed down/chickened out when he got defensive?

And you should STOP apologizing for getting old. It happens to us all, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Honey, there are men who PREFER women of a certain age - they may not be in the majority, but they are out there (believe me, I know!). Take care of yourself, take pride in your wisdom and experience and start walking around with your head held high.

 

We have discussed this issue many times.. the last discussion resulted in my husband telling me that he felt sex was overated, that the 3-4 seconds of bliss wasn't worth the work involved.

 

He said and I quote "I don't mind having sex with you once in awhile, all you have to do is ask, as long as you don't ask more than once every couple of weeks or so,that's fine" "this is as good as it gets take it or leave it"

 

I mulled it over for a few days.. went back to him and told him very quietly that after thinking things over, I'd decided to to chose to "leave it" that he could feel free to cross me off his chore list as I won't be asking him for sex ever again. The subject is now considered closed at my house.

[trust]

Lastly, Sum1'sGot2RepThe530, It hardly makes sense to be “touting around” *your* arch nemesis catch phrases from your moral low ground (“I’m no saint”, “you’re a Dr. Phil”, “You’re on a moral high ground”, “it’s no big deal”, “you’re unrealistic”, “you think your opinion is gospel” ) while putting me down for doing the same thing.

 

And on a totally unrelated note: Are you / were you in the military? I wanted to give you a sincere thanks for serving our Country.

[Mr. Lucky]

My issue is not with the porn per say but rather with a man who seemingly wants it all ways...

I think, as opposed to some in this thread that just want to resort to name-calling and over-simplification, that your middle of the road approach is much more perceptive. Indeed, the problem in your relationship isn't porn - to me it's just a symptom - but rather an abuse of power. I see the same alienation in threads posted here where one partner earns more than the other and touts it or one partner feels intellectually superior to the other. The insecure need your H seems to feel to belittle your attactiveness would be damaging within any context and I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling the way you do.

 

The question that occurs to me is why you'd be resigned to putting up with this treatment ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

And on a totally unrelated note: Are you / were you in the military? I wanted to give you a sincere thanks for serving our Country.

I'm going to guess his ID is based on the fact he's from Northern CA...

 

Mr. Lucky

[soserious1]

I think, as opposed to some in this thread that just want to resort to name-calling and over-simplification, that your middle of the road approach is much more perceptive. Indeed, the problem in your relationship isn't porn - to me it's just a symptom - but rather an abuse of power. I see the same alienation in threads posted here where one partner earns more than the other and touts it or one partner feels intellectually superior to the other. The insecure need your H seems to feel to belittle your attactiveness would be damaging within any context and I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling the way you do.

big

The question that occurs to me is why you'd be resigned to putting up with this treatment ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Here's the deal.. I really don't think my husband intentionly "belittles" my attractiveness. I do think he's truly hard wired to only respond sexually though to women who are a lot younger than I am... and there lies the big problem for him. How do you cope with truly loving one woman for her heart, her mind while at the same time being physically/sexually turned off by her appearance?

 

He copes with this by use of mental compartments... there's the flaming,passionate feelings of lust he gets from gazing at younger women.. then there's the quiet,chaste devotion he gives to me.The fights happen because I don't sit here and gratefully accept this.

 

I don't feel for one minute that he's some horrible lout who wants me to feel like crap on purpose. I think he feels guilty over the whole deal, recognizes that it's not my fault that I no longer excite him sexually and is trying in his own clumsy way to convey this to me in a manner that I get the message.. but that I get it in a soft way that doesn't destroy the entire marriage.My insisting on openly talking about is much like the child who kept insisting that indeed, the emperor wasn't wearing any clothes.

 

As to why I stay, there's a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that at our ages being out in the dating world is much like being exiled to the island of misfit toys. At this stage of the game all eligible single people have baggage, issues and I'm honestly too tired to deal with other people's teenage children, their ex-wife issues, their alimony/ child support problems etc.

[trust]

I'm going to guess his ID is based on the fact he's from Northern CA...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And I'm going to guess his avatar (which I thought was creative and funny), is based on the likelihood that possibly he's in a non-Army branch of the military. My dad (retired military) used to joke with the other branch's as being sort of "inferior" to his. That avatar reminds me of that behavior.

[torranceshipman]

It wouldn't bother me at all if my boyfriend watches/looks at porn from time to time....it's just a guy thing (and quite a few girls probably do it too) - I see it as satisfying a basic urge and thats it....I'd never think it was a reflection of how attracted he is to me and I wouldn't be offended.

 

Of course, if he watched it ALL the time or it was weird, strange porn then of course I'd have a much bigger problem with it and ditch him very quickly!

[Jersey Shortie]

Hahaha I find it haaaaaaard to believe that you are in your 20’s. Come on now. The likelihood of you having that kind of understanding and also being in your twenties is a stretch. You don’t have to go there to up your legitimacy.

 

I am infact in my 20s. Believe it or not, it makes no difference to me. But the insinuation that I am lying isn't cool Trust.

 

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Michelangelo:

This is the flawed reasoning I was referring to.

 

Your conclusions are based on your emotional responses to something, not truth. We all do not know what you say we know.

 

My conclusions are based on what I see. Do emotions play a part? They sure do but I am not in such an emotional tizzy that I can't see the reality. You say my reasoning is flawed but you don't really explain why that is the case. Since you seem to think it is flawed, why do you think that?

 

How many men that are married with families, that probably do love their wives and families but turn to porn of 18 year olds at least some of the time? I am sure there are alot out there. It's depressing. And when those 18 year olds girls grow up and have families of their own, they can watch it happen all over again to them. And those same men can then watch their daughters in porn. It's a never ending cycle that no woman can compete with but that all women have to deel with every day. It's like women don't hold any value for men.

 

Women don't hit 40 and all the sudden stop wanting to be thought of as "beautiful". Ask any woman/girl from 5-100 and all women take a very feminine pride in being "beautiful". Just as there are things for men that make them feel like "men". I am sure men don't hit 40 and all the sudden want women to look at them as less then men. But that seems to be the message that so many men, and society in general wants to drive home at women. "You hit this age and you are no longer feminine, pretty, worth the time of day compared to your younger counter parts." Right now it's not such a big deal for me but I do worry about it when I get older. I don't want to build a life with a man only to end up in a worse spot then where I begun. If that is what happens, then as much as I dreamed about being married and having a partner that really loves me, it just might not be worth it after all.

 

I see ALOT of men that seem to think that women should be happy, and even confident in themselves when their own man, the man that is suppose to love them, lusting after women half her age and justifying it. Look at Soserious. I don't think her experience is so rare. Porn is a consistent reminder about all the ways men find women lacking and wished how they were. And in the face of that, men expect women to be these uber confident, sexual beings with happy smiles on their face. Well that isn't realistic. YOu can't expect to have something like the industry of porn, and not see some sour reprocusions. It's hard to be confident and feel secure with such a huge billion dollar industry in our face, and in the hands of the men in our lives who you would wish would be on our side. But that isn't really the case. They are on the side that best caters to their own emotions and hormones.

 

 

I wish you didn't take what I wrote as a cheap shot. That was not my intent. Maybe if you reread what I wrote you'd glean what i intended. namely, that men are not as you think they are just because you think they are that way.

 

Okay then I apologize because I mis-read you. You said that maybe I don't like the effects of aging..well who the heck would when we see our husbands/boyfriends eye turn to our younger counterparts? Apparently men don't like the effects of aging on their women either. I don't say that snidely. Men get better with age and apparently men think women get worse. I wish that wasn't how it was but the proof is in the pudding.. or porn I should say. And yet we are expected to like the effects of aging? I just wish men matured enough that they would actually like to grow with their woman, and think think she was sexy in their age group and not feel the high schoo mentality to keep turing to porn.

 

Hey, I am positive that neither gender has a lock on understanding rejection. You don't think men get tossed aside by some wives?

 

Yeah I know that men do too. But it seems to be something more that happens to women. And porn is a good reminder of that replacement for alot of women. The fantasy of replacing her with whatever fantasy girl it is at the moment.

 

 

For someone so young (as you claim), you sure are obsessed with the idea of older men wanking to images of younger women.

 

Yeah I know. And obviously obessed with discussions about porn. I dated alot of older guys actually. I think I dated them because I was always the younger one and my own insecurities. But depsite that, what I learned is that even if your 20 or 40, your man's head is always turning to whatever "it" girl is passing by on screen or on the street. Frustrating to say the least.

 

 

If you want to remain stuck on the idea that evil porn is ruining the lives of all women I cannot stop you, clearly. But if you stop to think about it a little differently, you just might not be in such agony over this issue. And then maybe achieve some growth in understanding of the male psyche.

 

Look, I do recongnize that not all porn ruins all women's lives. But just as you ask me to stop and think about it differently, maybe you can do the same? And perhaps see that porn isn't all positives. Especially for women because porn mostly caters to men. And maybe you can understand the female psyche and have some growth of your own. Perhaps we would both fare better doing this. I admit I don't understand the male psyche, but I do think I understand parts of it and those parts are what does cause me "agony". I wish men would try to understand what it can be like for women though too. But I don't ever really see that.

[Jersey Shortie]

Annieo

I think that there is an awful lot of paranoid, overly-simplistic generalizing going on here, particularily by JS (sorry, I do understand how you FEEL, but sometimes we have to use a little reason as well).

 

How do you know I am not using reason though? I think I make alot of good reasonable points. I do tend to over generalize but there is alot of truth in what I say.

 

And there are times when I do think I am paranoid and other times I think I am just being more realistic about men then I use to be.

 

 

My H is 9 years younger than me (I'm 43, he'll be 34 in a couple of weeks). He was a swinging single bachelor when we met. His previous girl (only lasted a month) had huge boobs, was his age, and was a complete disappointment. She was ridiculously insecure, not very bright, and bored him to tears in about two days, in and out of bed.

 

Why didn't he stick with her, instead of getting himself messed up with an older woman with kids, small breasts, in the midst of a messy divorce? Because he found me more desirable, that's why.

He hasn't always been perfect, but he isn't a stereotype, either. And most men aren't. They're just normal, flawed, usually lovable humans, just like women.

 

Well, it's cool to hear that that is your experience Annieo. And it gives a girl a little faith. But my fear with men is that they "settle " for the whole package and then turn to porn for what they really want/desire. And there is something about that , that kind of sucks. I am probably tougher on men then is fair but then again, it seems like with the stereotypes in porn that are men's ultimate fantasies, they are as well.

 

 

 

I do agree that some porn degrades women, but that's not hard to see. My issue is that it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be.

 

Easy to say when it's not your gender being degraded. ANd when it's not your wife enjoying watching other men being treated in a negative manner. I will say that I often find that men attempt to down-play porn, while you think that I am over-playing it, and maybe somewhere in the middle of that is the real truth.

 

So what if porn stars are hotter, younger, and have bigger boobs than you? That's the point! That's why they make the big bucks (I guess?)! In my opinion, the women that this affects should stop letting it affect their self esteem so much.

 

Yeap, that is certainly the point. Bigger then life ideas, that no real woman can compete with. So the other women are always "Bigger" and "better". And watching your guy get off to something that is so very obviously a bigger idea and concept then what he has, is kind of a little disconcernting. You could understand that right?

 

I think it's easy for a guy to say that woman shouldn't let it effect their self esteem but the reality is that porn pretty much exploits everyone of woman's inherent insecurity about their looks and attraction, it's not exploiting men's because it cater to men. And porn has such a market consuming number or variety and sexual aspects, that for a woman it can be pretty darn over whelming.

 

The truth is that most porn caters to men, it's not about the ways women find men lacking. However, it does seem to be about the way's men find women lacking. So it's easy for guys to say that it shouldn't make a woman feel a certain way but then I guess a woman could in return say that porn shouldn't make men feel horny. We could both sit here and say the effect something should or shouldn't have on someone or we can be realistic about the effect it can sometimes cause.

 

It's not like your partner can run off with a pornstar. It's not like they put the pornstar's contact info up on the screen when they're done, saying "Call me and we'll do it in your local Motel 6!" It's just not realistic. I've always believed that it's "ok to look, not touch." As long as you don't act on your porn fantasies your ok.

 

I don't think any woman honestly fears that her husband /boyfriend is going to run off with a porn star. So I don't really understand this argument. Because it's like saying that if he did have the option to run off with one, then you should be worried. Which for alot of woman, is just as bad as him watching said porn woman and thinking about her.

 

So she has no problem if I view porn and take care of myself instead of waking her up from a dead sleep.

 

Come on though, you aren't looking at porn because you are being so benevolent about your feelings and attitude towards her. I dislike when men try to make it sound like they use porn out of consideration for their SO. Porn isn't about consideration.

[trust]

LOL I’m sorry Jersey Shortie..lighten up… think of it more as a “doubt” than an accusation. LOL It may be a “fact” to you because you have the proof..but there’s lots of doubt in these forums..and challenging your age based on considerable doubt is not a bad thing.

 

You remind me of a girl who says - I’m 21 now let me in the door..and I say, wait a second, let me see some ID. And she says, are you calling me a liar? Uhhhh..not yet..I’m just doubting you right now..but I would like to see some ID. LOL.

 

I still love ya though. You have a lot of spunk girl!

[torranceshipman]

Have to agree with Trust, Jersey Shortie...I don't think you need to intellectualise so much on this particular topic. I think using porn is not a means of comparing young girls with their older wives and preferring the young girls-it is just watching hotties doing something naughty to get a bit of a thrill, and its forgotten as soon as the 'dead is done' if you know what I am referring to, lol!

 

If these men look at porn, as I said before, I consider it a need being met - and a need that some women meet through enjoying porn too. It doesnt float my boat personally, but fine, I have no problem with people who do it (as long as it isnt extreme/weird in nature)...and I wouldn't care one way or another if I found out my lovely boyfriend watches porn. In my view it wouldnt bother me any more than finding out he masturbates and hell, all men do that!! Well technically I suppose they'd do both at the same time but you know what I mean.... :D

[annieo]

"But my fear with men is that they "settle " for the whole package and then turn to porn for what they really want/desire. And there is something about that , that kind of sucks. I am probably tougher on men then is fair but then again, it seems like with the stereotypes in porn that are men's ultimate fantasies, they are as well."

 

JC, do you REALLY think that most men have an "ultimate" fantasy, and that they can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy? I'm sure they exist, and frankly, they are losers who don't deserve a real partner.

 

But my experience talking to men (and women) I've known well is that we all have a variety of fantasies, many if not most of which we have NO desire to actually live out. They are totally aware that porn stars are lit, computer enhanced, have had surgery, make-up and they would probably not recognize them if they were standing next to them in the grocery store line.

 

And therein lies the appeal of porn. Variety. Visual stimulus. Risk-free (well, to a certain extent - you won't catch any STD's looking a porn, for example).

A place to see your fantasies played out. For some people, this detachment, unreality is a drug that they can't get enough of. But like the alcohol analogy, some people just have a drink now and then. Others are compulsive alcoholics. So should we outlaw booze, say it's evil, because some people can't handle it?

 

I personally don't see this as just a male thing. I like variety. I love it when my h and I do something new and unusual together. And I also don't cart out the same masturbatory fantasy, time after time. And, I have been known to check out men (discreetly) and look at porn. And I know my h does the same kind of stuff (except I assume he's looking at women, not men ),

 

My h knows all of this, and isn't threatened by it. It doesn't mean I don't love him, want him. It doesn't negatively impact on how often we have sex. In fact, it doesn't mean ANYTHING except that I am still the same horny, curious girl I've always been, thank god!

 

The only time it bugs me a little is if I'm not feeling good about myself for some reason (PMS, bloat, bad hair day, those "I'm ugly" moods that come and go, not due to porn, but to whatever is going on in me). Or once, he lied to me about it (and cleared his history), because he thought I would get mad. The lying made me mad, not the porn. Why lie to me? Anyway, we crossed that bridge, I don't generally go asking about his masturbatory schedule, but if I do, I get the truth. And I don't get upset about it.

 

But most days, I am happy enough with myself, secure enough in my own attractiveness, that it doesn't phase me at all. If anything, the thought of him having a go at himself (looking at porn, not looking at porn, in the shower, whatever) is kind of a turn on .

[Jersey Shortie]

Have to agree with Trust, Jersey Shortie...I don't think you need to intellectualise so much on this particular topic. I think using porn is not a means of comparing young girls with their older wives and preferring the young girls-it is just watching hotties doing something naughty to get a bit of a thrill, and its forgotten as soon as the 'dead is done' if you know what I am referring to, lol!

 

Why not "intellectualize" on it though? I think you can tell alot from it. I think you can tell alot of a deeper physcoloical stuff from it. I think you can get an idea about what men think about women or want in women from it as well. Which is somewhat upsetting sometimes. I really doubt that if women had a multi billion dollar industry that treated men, as porn treats women, I really doubt there wouldn't be any concerns or questions from men.

 

And if you don't think men aren't comparing, I think you are being naive personally. Men are always comparing. And obviously the fantasy always wins with men.

 

And if men didn't perfer the young girls, why are they even looking at them over their wives or why aren't they looking at women their wives age anyway? Some of the things you are saying don't add up for me.

 

And maybe men do forget about the girls as soon as the "deed is done", but then maybe they will always remember that one girl that he thought was *really* hot and use the idea of her later next time he is having sex with the woman he claims he loves so much. Or maybe a man does forget about the girls as soon as the "deed is done", but there is always new girls for him to turn to. Theer will always be a never ending continuous cycle that no one real woman will ever be able to compete with. So at the end of a day, what a man really needs apparently is both porn, and a real woman to feel happy with himself. Which is great for men but when women realize that a man needs both things to feel like a man, it can make women feel like less then a woman.

[Jersey Shortie]

JC, do you REALLY think that most men have an "ultimate" fantasy, and that they can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy?

 

Yes, I do think most men have an "ultimate" fantasy. And yes, I think most men CAN tell the difference between fantasy and reality. That doesn't mean though that men don't want the fantasy. Just because they know the difference. That doesn't mean that the fantasy doesn't turn them on, that they don't want it or that it doesn't set the bar impossibly high. Hence one of the reasons that so many more women today, then ever before get breast augmentations. A combination of poor self esteem and wanting to meet the standards that they see men desperately pant after.

 

 

But my experience talking to men (and women) I've known well is that we all have a variety of fantasies, many if not most of which we have NO desire to actually live out. They are totally aware that porn stars are lit, computer enhanced, have had surgery, make-up and they would probably not recognize them if they were standing next to them in the grocery store line.

 

Yes, but that doesn't stop them from behing turned on by the fake imagery or desiring to have it. There is a huge difference in understanding that the images on screen are magically enhanced and having that idea translate in the heat of the moment. I doubt any man is sitting there watching a porno thinking about how she had to have pounds of make up on, surgery and good lighteing to look that good having sex. Instead they are just hinking about how hot her boobs are, how pretty her face is and how smooth her skin is. We all know that this is fantasy. However that doesn't seem to stop men from really wanting it and women trying to live up to it even though we know they never will. And the outcome is unfortunetly poor self-esteem and more men spending more time turning to something that they won't ever get in real life. SO we have generations of men that have made porn a "need" because of how they have breed themselves and how society as breed them to desire some pretty lofty and impossible standards in women.

 

 

So should we outlaw booze, say it's evil, because some people can't handle it?

 

 

Well, for me porn is more then just visual stimulous. I think it has physicological effects on people. And I don't think people are ready to be honest about that. Especially men because they tend to want to down play the importance of it. Yet, most men will defend porn until they are blue in the face.

 

 

 

I personally don't see this as just a male thing. I like variety. I love it when my h and I do something new and unusual together.

 

Hey, I am with you there. I also love variety. I love doing new things. I however find there to be huge difference between doing new things together and bringing new people into it. Variety in people is different then variety in activities.

 

 

My h knows all of this, and isn't threatened by it. It doesn't mean I don't love him, want him. It doesn't negatively impact on how often we have sex. In fact, it doesn't mean ANYTHING except that I am still the same horny, curious girl I've always been, thank god!

 

That is somewhat reassuring but I at the same time, I think it is natural to feel threatened when your mate is noticing someone else. And take into account how often men do it and it's over whelming and seems to go against the very opposite of what men say they truly want or respect. Maybe men don't respect committed relationships the same as women do.

 

 

 

 

But most days, I am happy enough with myself, secure enough in my own attractiveness, that it doesn't phase me at all. If anything, the thought of him having a go at himself (looking at porn, not looking at porn, in the shower, whatever) is kind of a turn on .

 

 

The idea of it turns me off. The last thing I want to do is be intimate with my man after knowing he was looking at other women to get turned on. I couldn't think of a bigger turn off.

[trubella]

Or maybe a man does forget about the girls as soon as the "deed is done", but there is always new girls for him to turn to. Theer will always be a never ending continuous cycle that no one real woman will ever be able to compete with. So at the end of a day, what a man really needs apparently is both porn, and a real woman to feel happy with himself. Which is great for men but when women realize that a man needs both things to feel like a man, it can make women feel like less then a woman.

 

I dont even understand why this has to be made into a competition, i guess im secure within my relationship to know that its just porn, and nothing more. I know he still loves me at the end of the day and i do pretty much everything those chics in porn do and better lol so i never worrying about him straying or looking to get with a porn star because i know it is just fantasy. ive never felt like less of a woman, him watching porn is not that deep for me. he could be doing alot more worse things..

 

just like he knows when i watch it occasionally that its not a big deal, it doesnt replace him. you cant really speak for all women.. some of us could care less if they watch

[annieo]

... I know he still loves me at the end of the day and i do pretty much everything those chics in porn do and better lol so i never worrying about him straying or looking to get with a porn star because i know it is just fantasy.

 

Me, too

I think you may be onto something here, trubella. Do you think that the women who get most annoyed/threatened by porn are perhaps a little less adventurous in bed, and know it? Or that sex for them always has to be lovemaking, as opposed to just getting it on?

BTW I know I'm going to get blasted for this, and I am definitely NOT talking about the women who have men who have stopped being sexual with them, and rely more on porn for their needs. That's completely different.

And JC, before their was internet, photography, books, people had their imaginations. And I am pretty sure that they didn't just think about sexual situations with their spouse. Every kinked out thing that you can watch online has been thought about or acted out a million times, reaching way back to our distant ancestors. Some of the weirdest stuff I fantasized about was long before I saw a dirty movie.

[Jersey Shortie]

I dont even understand why this has to be made into a competition, i guess im secure within my relationship to know that its just porn, and nothing more

 

 

Frankly, I think it's natural to look at it as a comparing thing. It's something that turns on men. Most women are going to look at it and do some comparisons. Most men compare themselves agaisnt other men with their pay checks.

 

I have my insecurities, but that isn't the only reason I find issue with porn. I also think it's an oxymoron to expect some women to feel secure in a relationship where her man is indirectly still seeking out other women. It's the opposite of saying you want a committed relationship. but that's just me.

 

 

I know he still loves me at the end of the day and i do pretty much everything those chics in porn do and better lol so i never worrying about him straying or looking to get with a porn star because i know it is just fantasy.

 

So if you are doing everything in those movies that the porn chics do and better, why does he still need to turn to porn?

 

My feeling is that I am pretty sexual myself and do alot of things that are fun with my partner. but at the end of the day, him turing to porn is like saying that no matter what I do for him, it's never enough. After awhile you get sick of putting in the effort when the outcome either way is him still seeking out other women indirectly.

 

 

he could be doing alot more worse things..

 

 

Yeah, this is an arguement I never understood. Because it pretty much sounds like a settlement women are making. "he could be cheating so if he is looking at porn and is only thinking about cheating, that's all i deserve to have and am happy with it".

 

you cant really speak for all women.. some of us could care less if they watch

 

Agreed. Some women aren't bothered by it. Alot of women are.

[Jersey Shortie]

Do you think that the women who get most annoyed/threatened by porn are perhaps a little less adventurous in bed, and know it?

 

Well, that isn't the case for me. I am pretty open minded in bed. I just draw the line at having other women in bed with me.

 

And JC, before their was internet, photography, books, people had their imaginations. And I am pretty sure that they didn't just think about sexual situations with their spouse. Every kinked out thing that you can watch online has been thought about or acted out a million times, reaching way back to our distant ancestors. Some of the weirdest stuff I fantasized about was long before I saw a dirty movie.

 

I am sure they didn't. But the amount that is out there today, the amount that is expected to be accepted, is over whelming. The playboys of yesterday is not like the interent porn of today.