audrey_1 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 I've been seeing someone casually for a year. We laugh a lot, see movies, have good conversations, make time for each other when we can, travel together. We're mid-thirties, and I think I've done well compartmentalizing our interaction, but I'd be lying if I said it could continue indefinitely. It's been a year. And we are having sex, but not every time we see each other. Hard to explain, but though we probably could do it each time, it's almost like we try not to, so as to make sure the other doesn't feel used, but that we're genuinely interested on other levels. It's like we're trying to keep some sort of balance. He mentioned to me jokingly before that "he's more than just a penis." I'm in my 30s. That switch has flipped. And I'd rather be with someone I trust. I like being with him. If someone else came along to date, I'm not sure whether I would take the opportunity or not. And I'm not sure what he would do if someone else came along he was attracted to. His best friend refers to me as "his girl" even though we have a casual understanding (which his friend must not be aware of). But neither of us is seeing anyone else, and his mother emails me on occasion, since we've known each other since we were kids. I know. It's odd. Anyway, my point is that he still refers to me as his "friend." And I consider him a friend, also. He is in a very uncertain place professionally at the moment, and seems to be one of these types where everything has to be in place before he can have a committed relationship, or he uses it as an excuse to never have a relationship. He mentions me in future plans, says when he buys a house, I can decorate it. Says I'm in charge of his personal style. Says if his investments take off, would I want too manage daily operations, and on and on. He's not really one to talk trash, so when he says things like this, it gets my attention, though I play it off in his presence. He's even mentioned a time frame of 3 years before. I guess my question is, is it sometimes more important to a man to have a "best friend" that can double as a romantic partner? And does it sound like I'm forever in the FWB zone, or that we may be able to persevere over that into a real relationship at some point? Should I just go with the flow here? Link to post Share on other sites
dirty diana Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 How would you feel if he started dating someone? Could you handle it? If not, you should not proceed and go with the flow. There's real potential for you to get hurt -- badly. As it seems from what you have written you are starting to fall for him or at least romanticize things. That's dangerous territory!! What do you want from the relationship? I think you should figure it out fast and proceed with the plan that gets you what you want 'cause right now you're in limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author audrey_1 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 How would you feel if he started dating someone? Could you handle it? If not, you should not proceed and go with the flow. There's real potential for you to get hurt -- badly. As it seems from what you have written you are starting to fall for him or at least romanticize things. That's dangerous territory!! What do you want from the relationship? I think you should figure it out fast and proceed with the plan that gets you what you want 'cause right now you're in limbo. If he started dating somebody? Guess I'd just have to handle it...however. I'd have no room to do much since we're casual. Yes, I realize the potential to be hurt. I am keeping myself from falling for him, but I do enjoy his company very much, more so than anyone I've dated in quite sometime, say, over the last ten years. It's easy and uncomplicated. We share knowing glances without having to speak, and sometimes finish each other's sentences when we do speak. Even without making sense, we make sense. I'm not sure what I want from the relationship. I'm not really sure what I want from any relationship. I struggle with wanting to just be single/dating and in an LTR. Probably same as him. Link to post Share on other sites
dirty diana Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 If he started dating somebody? Guess I'd just have to handle it...however. I'd have no room to do much since we're casual. Yes, I realize the potential to be hurt. I am keeping myself from falling for him, but I do enjoy his company very much, more so than anyone I've dated in quite sometime, say, over the last ten years. It's easy and uncomplicated. We share knowing glances without having to speak, and sometimes finish each other's sentences when we do speak. Even without making sense, we make sense. I'm not sure what I want from the relationship. I'm not really sure what I want from any relationship. I struggle with wanting to just be single/dating and in an LTR. Probably same as him. From what you have posted it doesn't seem as though you are keeping yourself from falling for him. It appears you are close to the edge or have already fallen. Please be careful with this. It's possible that you are misinterpreting the knowing glances, his mentioning of you in future plans, etc. I speak from experience. Be careful with your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
king_midas Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I don't get this. Clearly you are both doing the "everything but" thing, everything but calling it what it is. You clearly have a relationship of some sort. If it's going well as it is, and you like it, then no don't get caught up i definitions. But it does kind of rankle me how these days we avoid acknowledging what things are, what in most other times and places would be called courting, a "Relationship", etc. I'm no stiff collar, but maybe it's the price of too much informality... Anyway, the flip has switched... You're considering the guy. Perhaps you should mention it somehow. The idea has been flirted with and he seems to see you in his future one way or another, so it shouldn't be a complete shock. But yes, be careful. If it goes "bad" at least you'll know and can start looking for someone to settle down with (if that's what you want). Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1554913&postcount=6 Still applicable... Link to post Share on other sites
Author audrey_1 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 From what you have posted it doesn't seem as though you are keeping yourself from falling for him. It appears you are close to the edge or have already fallen. Please be careful with this. It's possible that you are misinterpreting the knowing glances, his mentioning of you in future plans, etc. I speak from experience. Be careful with your heart. It doesn't? Hmm. I need to work on that. When we're together, I am very guarded, so the only place I have to deal with my feelings for him is LS. Sorry... I will be careful, though. I am already. I am trying my best to keep expectations to a minimum. I don't get this. Clearly you are both doing the "everything but" thing, everything but calling it what it is. You clearly have a relationship of some sort. If it's going well as it is, and you like it, then no don't get caught up i definitions. But it does kind of rankle me how these days we avoid acknowledging what things are, what in most other times and places would be called courting, a "Relationship", etc. I'm no stiff collar, but maybe it's the price of too much informality... Anyway, the flip has switched... You're considering the guy. Perhaps you should mention it somehow. The idea has been flirted with and he seems to see you in his future one way or another, so it shouldn't be a complete shock. But yes, be careful. If it goes "bad" at least you'll know and can start looking for someone to settle down with (if that's what you want). Yeah, everything but. And yes, it seems we do our best to avoid definitions these days. But if he called me up and said he wanted to be my boyfriend, to be exclusive, I'm not sure how I would respond. I guess you could call it "courting," but I'm actually the one who said I didn't want to call us dating or have a definition, because I felt like he was in control of dictating that, and it pissed me off. So I said let's just go with the flow, which he's been doing. So now we're friends. Though someone introduced me as his wife on an outing this weekend. Oops. Neither of us corrected that person. We just kept on like nothing happened. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1554913&postcount=6 Still applicable... I know. I know. The time limit thing....I can't decide! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 This tells me that either you're afraid to jump out of the relationship (it is one, you know) or that you're getting enough needs/wants met to overlook what you want that you're not getting. This could go on forever, theoretically Link to post Share on other sites
Author audrey_1 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 This tells me that either you're afraid to jump out of the relationship (it is one, you know) or that you're getting enough needs/wants met to overlook what you want that you're not getting. This could go on forever, theoretically I suppose it could theoretically go on forever. Since I broke my engagement to a man twenty years my senior just six months before my current dating situation, in a sense, yes, I am having certain needs met that went unmet for quite sometime. Conversely, I am in an uncommitted relationship with no idea where I stand and am afraid to ask, as past attempts at this make him visibly uncomfortable. He has a history of shyness, so I'm not sure whether to interpret as 1) he's just not that into me or 2) he's into me and just can't give his all at the moment (or ever?). Through his actions and mentions he makes about life going forward, I'm more inclined to go with option 2, or maybe he's just a commitment-phobic and it will never happen, as none of his past relationships have lasted longer than a year, and he's admitted to me his dating experience is limited and serious relationships have never been a priority for him. But his dealings professionally, personally and with family have all been with integrity, as far as I can tell, so...? I can only postulate. Link to post Share on other sites
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