Broke contact

[Nevermind]

I forgave him for the cheating and I wrote that, because he was never what I thought he was and the carnal act doesn't bother me any more. The lieing I will never forgive, but this is something he could never understand. And it's not needed for me to go on. And yet..I hoped that we could turn it into a friendship, or at least a sort of contact...because...he was my first love. I don't want to lose that. He spoke of a life together. And I believed it. I don't want to let that go.

 

I wrote him, telling him that it was hard for me to just unlove somebody and that I needed time to do it. That he might get e-mails from me once in a while, but that I do not need any answer to those (and I did write him once before that and didn't bother about any reply). That I was doing well and just taking my time. That I was going to be happy and even went as far as saying (honestly) that I hoped he would be happy with whomever he chose to be.

 

Foolish, but this is why it's so hard for me to let go. I can't hate anybody, I don't have it in me and I wish I could. He would deserve it. And it would be easier.

 

---

 

He replied.

 

He said that he would love to hear from me, that he is thinking of me all the time and that he "will try to be happy, although it is hard" and that I should do the same.

 

 

And the "I will try but it's hard" is really killing me. I mean hello? Did I force you to cheat? Did I force you to go to her, after telling me that you didn't care if I lived or died? When you actually didn't know if I had commited suicide? Did I force you to the affair? To the jokes about me?

 

It is hard?

 

Are you kidding me? How great, that you are trying. Why say this?

 

I know, I put this on myself. But honesty...he tries?

 

Now I feel again that somehow this is my fault..and that I could have been better and nothing would have happened. I KNOW that this isn't true, but it hurts so very much. And I was doing so good.

 

 

****.

[sid3]

Wow, that sucks NM. I can't imagine why you want to keep in contact with a creep that cheated on you. Although you feel this was your first true love, I am sure you will look back on it differently in the future. We all do. And it's not easier when one can hate, I think it can actually make it harder.

[carrotgirl]

NM, if this is what you need to heal yourself, then it wasn't foolish. We aren't here to condemn. Only you live your life.

 

Remember what you wrote yourself. We all make mistakes but we are not responsible for someone else's actions. Did you make him cheat? Did you make him say the utterly detestable things he said to you? No way!

 

Hold your head high and know you've done the very best you could do to be a decent person. And move on.

 

{{{Hugs}}

Carrot

[Nevermind]

sid: Well, I used to think he was the love of my life. (Ha! He even told me the same, but after he started cheating. Which I hate, it belittles my sentiment.)

He was my first love. So...those two things alone account for my wish to not let it die entirely. Or, yes let any love die entirely, but not the contact. I don't know. It would feel so useless and worthless if after all the energy and effort and love I put into this relationship, nothing would remain.

This is why I do babysteps. Cold turkey doesn't work for me.

 

carrot: I know I didn't make him say or do those things. But I cannot shed the feeling that if I had been prettier, or smarter or more fun...he never would have done it.

[sid3]

It's good that you are doing what works for you. Often people try the cold turkey method and it makes matters worse.Fefinitely not for everyone. I can relate about the energy and investment into a relationship. But the truth of the matter is, after doing it for nine years myself, I ultimately found it was better to start from scratch and build something new than to focused on what was. How ever you get through it for your self esteem is all that matters. Carrot's reply was right on, it doesn't matter what you look like, if you've had the misfortune to have been with a cheater. Look at all the celebrities that get cheated on everyday

[sailing]

 

And the "I will try but it's hard" is really killing me. I mean hello? Did I force you to cheat? Did I force you to go to her, after telling me that you didn't care if I lived or died? When you actually didn't know if I had commited suicide? Did I force you to the affair? To the jokes about me?

 

It is hard?

 

Are you kidding me? How great, that you are trying. Why say this?

 

I know, I put this on myself. But honesty...he tries?

 

Now I feel again that somehow this is my fault..and that I could have been better and nothing would have happened. I KNOW that this isn't true, but it hurts so very much. And I was doing so good.

 

 

****.

 

I wonder if isn't it always the way though: even if you take the hurt and carry it, even if you go over everything in your mind a thousand times and think you've covered every angle - once you get in touch, they will still manage to say something you weren't prepared for and it will throw you for a loop.

 

It seems it would be easier on you if you kept some of the love you felt, but stopped the contact - instead of vice versa. Would that really mean it was all for nothing?

[motive2002]

I'd say you can hate for a while. It's ok to really hate someone.. but it will pass, like all things do.

 

I have an extremely low opinion of cheaters. I would, after having some experience with it, never, ever take one back. Ever. One strike and you're out for good. I don't put up with that crap and neither should anyone else under any circumstances. Once trust is derailed like that, the body count from the train wreck never decreases. You can't put those people back on the train alive and safe. It's just not possible.

[Nevermind]

"You deserve an happy life, you deserve someone who could give

you all that you gave me."

 

Now, this is something I don't want to hear from you. It is complete bull**** and

what is worse: those words are pity. I don't need your pity, nor did I EVER need your pity.

 

Remember the last e-mail you send me on that special friday? Your pity is just as bad as the words you used then. And I hope you regret them. Because the cheating, I forgave. This is something you need to forgive yourself for.

 

I don't need that pity. If your replies are pity, stop them.

I want to keep contact and it does help me, but if you think you're being morally superior by it, then you're wrong.

 

I am a good person, I am smart , I am loyal.

I am funny and I am patient. I was able to love somebody without conditions. And this is rare, and few people can say they experienced it on either side.

 

I will not be put down by you.

 

If you meant something nice, then consider this: the guy who broke my heart, ridiculed me, cheated and replaced me without a second thought now says "I hope you'll be happy with someone who's good for you".

 

It's bull****. It's condescending. I don't want to hear that from you.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but this sentence is really off your limits. Wish me happiness but never look down on me. Because you have no right to do that.

This is what I wrote.

 

I need to stop doing it, but I had a bad dream last night (different timezone) and there he was with all his friends and girlfriends and I was something like a poodle and he kept patting my head saying "I hope you find someone of your own kind".

 

And I wrote this. It might be very harsh and probably wrong on many levels, but do you think it is too much?

 

Maybe I was reading too much into it. Maybe he just meant well, but I feel that it's so off limits for him to even allude to that.

 

 

sailing: It would be best. I am really trying. But then...for me it would feel like "nothing" because I wouldn't keep anything from this relationship. No untainted memories, no contact, no nothing.

 

If I am completely honest with myself: I am still dependent on his opinion of me. I want him to genuinely regret losing me and liking me as a person. Maybe because I have no friends and cannot fall into a social security net.

 

motive: Yes. I don't want him back. If he were really regretting it, I could. But he never did, and this is why I cannot even think of touching him without feeling dizzy. I don't want to be with him. But...hard to say. I don't want to be completely without him either.

 

I am such a loser.

[sailing]

If I am completely honest with myself: I am still dependent on his opinion of me.

 

That's what I feared, Nevermind

 

In my view, the cruelest part of rejection in combination with insecurity is the chilling feeling that someone is casually proving your worst nightmare to be true. As you can't trust yourself for validation, naturally you turn to your rejector with your anger or with resignation.

 

Is that what you're doing at the moment?

 

If so, I applaud the anger. It sounds like you realising "actually no, I'm NOT worthless". But please don't resign yourself to asking if you can still be included in his life, by sending him 'no strings' emails, as a way of proving that worth. I urge you not to bargain, it will eventually backfire and probably at your expense.

 

What about if you could get through this and become a stronger and more content individual? Maybe that's what you will keep from this relationship.