Why won't he propose?

[trust]

There's so much good advice on this thread that it should be a "paid subscription."

 

I can see where you are coming from. I can understand how you feel. Why won't he propose? Many reasons. I don't know him and haven't talked to him but most likely he's just not ready. Maybe he won't be ready. Maybe your anxiousness is making him anxious and is having the opposite effect you would like.

 

Men want to make that decision as they listen to their hearts, not your constant requests, because no one wants to be “sold.” How is he ever going to hear himself if all he ever hears is you? Ever dealt with a pushy real estate person, or a pushy car salesman? If they aren’t top notch, you will get the feeling that you are being “sold” something. No one likes to feel that way. This includes men.

 

If you are living together, share a house...how do you think it will be different by being married?

 

Have you talked to him? Do the two of you communicate? What did he say?

[Haloandhorns85]

Dragonslayer:

 

Ok, I am going to just drop it with him I have decided. The problem is, I don't know how to drop it within myself. I think about it all the time, wondering and worrying. I suppose that is part of the Type A personality. Even when I think about something else, something will remind me of it and there I go again. I think about all kinds of stuff, like how long is long enough? Is "soon" another year or two? I did try to talk to him. He said again, yes he wants to get married. And yet again, he said soon. But he couldn't give me any kind of time frame or anything. Nothing for me to go on. Just "soon". So f it. I'm just gonna quit bringing it up to him at all. But how do I get it out of MY head?? And what do I do with all my feelings? I mean, I feel like they don't matter at all.

[carhill]

Would it be premature to suggest PMC? Counseling helped during the "rough patch" and perhaps a small tune-up is in order.

 

Given your level of commitment currently, would you consider having a child right now? Why? You sound pretty mature. I admire that in a young person

[Trialbyfire]

Dragonslayer:

 

Ok, I am going to just drop it with him I have decided. The problem is, I don't know how to drop it within myself. I think about it all the time, wondering and worrying. I suppose that is part of the Type A personality. Even when I think about something else, something will remind me of it and there I go again. I think about all kinds of stuff, like how long is long enough? Is "soon" another year or two? I did try to talk to him. He said again, yes he wants to get married. And yet again, he said soon. But he couldn't give me any kind of time frame or anything. Nothing for me to go on. Just "soon". So f it. I'm just gonna quit bringing it up to him at all. But how do I get it out of MY head?? And what do I do with all my feelings? I mean, I feel like they don't matter at all.

Look Halo. You've stated your needs to him. It's up to him to meet those needs or not. His methodology is to keep you around by saying that he does want to get married but won't put words to action.

 

Now it's time for you to put your words to action. If marriage is that important to you, you have to back up your words by showing him you won't take any more pretty words, that you expect him to piss or get off the pot. This means being willing to walk away, if he won't do it.

 

Never be afraid to lose someone so much that you're willing to put up with their crap.

 

Having said that, analyze your emotions and decide if all you're doing is playing an ego/power/control game or if it's because you want to move forward and have a family, in the near future.

[lexi29]

I do understand how you feel. I've walked in your shoes before. Unfortunately (or fortunately for me now) my situation did not end happily. My ex did the same things your ex is doing. We lived together, paid bills together, shared all responsibilities same as if we were married. We were financially secure, both of us had good jobs. I was watching friends and family around us moving forward (getting married, having kids) that weren't in the same (good) financial position as we were in, that hadn't been together as long as we had and I kept wondering if there was something wrong with ME because my bf had this beautiful, wonderful intelligent gf and he kept saying he wanted to marry me but he never acted on those words. He kept stringing me along (he even bought a ring- long story) and I was so certain he was going to propose. He started talking about marriage and how he could see us getting married after only four months. Then we moved in together after a year and he talked about marriage some more. He would do this every few months and after about two years I became somewhat demanding in that I wanted to know NOW whether or not we were going to get engaged. I threatened to leave him (bad move because I didn't back it up at the time).

 

I felt like he had all the benefits of being married to me but I didn't have the security of knowing he was going to marry me. That I wasn't "wasting" my time with him. He would always assure me that he was planning to propose and never follow thru on this. He always had excuses. said he was scared, said because we got into a fight two weeks before, because he didnt' have the money right now to buy a ring and on and on. The worst part for me was that he was engaged before we got together (his fiance left him about two years before we started dating) and for the longest time he still referred to her as "my ex fiance" and I had to be reminded that he'd loved another woman enough to give her what I wanted so badly.

 

To this day my ex has not married, I don't know if his afraid of commitment or if I just wasnt' the right person for him. But I truly believe he would have NEVER married me, that he was just leading me on becuase he was COMFORTABLE with things the way they were. And I think he always wanted to keep that door open in case he wanted to move on. Just as others have said about your bf, my ex was committed to me, he didnt' cheat on me, he was attentive and came home to me every night. So yes, we were committed but in denying me what I felt I NEEDED (a promise for the future) I feel he wanted to keep me around but keep his options open at the same time. IS that how you feel? That your boyfriend benefits from your situation (you said YOU own the house) and that he loves you but by not moving forward and taking the next step he is keeping his options open and not sure about you??

 

I know others are telling you to wait for him and not say anything about marriage for awhile to see if he does anything on his own. I don't know your boyfriend but with my ex, I tried this and while this caused him to say less and less about getting engaged it did not make him wake up one day and decide he wanted to marry me. It just took the pressure off for awhile and he just said less to lead me on because I guess he figured it wasn't as important to me anymore (and he was happy about this I think).

 

What your bf did about letting you pick out the ring and putting it on layaway and then returning it and not telling you was HORRIBLE. I can't imagine how you must have felt when you found that out from the salesperson. It may be that your bf just isn't ready but he sure is "teasing" you that he is. He needs to be honest with you and explain to you why he decided to return the ring and get a more definate answer from him regarding his time line other than "someday". I know it wont' do any good to issue an ultimatum or anything but you need to be able to feel secure in the fact that he truly does want a future with you and is not using you. Good luck!

[Haloandhorns85]

 

Just as others have said about your bf, my ex was committed to me, he didnt' cheat on me, he was attentive and came home to me every night. So yes, we were committed but in denying me what I felt I NEEDED (a promise for the future) I feel he wanted to keep me around but keep his options open at the same time. IS that how you feel? That your boyfriend benefits from your situation (you said YOU own the house) and that he loves you but by not moving forward and taking the next step he is keeping his options open and not sure about you??

quote]

 

 

That is exactly how I feel. Like I may be allowing myself to be led on. I feel like I need a promise for the future, and not justs words out of his mouth. I need it. Not just want. And yes, he does benefit greatly from the arrangement we have currently. The benefits of a wife without actually making me his wife. I don't feel like its right. I feel like its time for him to pull his head out of his ass and make a decision. No more wondering. We've been together too long for me to have to wonder. I should be able to feel secure about a future, but I don't. And its like I cannot get that through his head. I really wonder if he understands the difference between me just WANTING to get married and me NEEDING to move on with life..get married, start a family, etc. I'm a smart hard working woman, but I'm not one of those new age career focused ones. Family is the most important thing to me and I'm ready to start one of my own. Getting married to HIM is the next step towards that. I just don't know what to do!!!! I have tried not saying anything about it...actually about a month before I originally posted was the first time I brought it up since the whole ring returning thing. Nearly 9 or 10 months. I thought maybe if I quit talking about it, he would get to it on his own. And I know I said in an earlier post that I'm just gonna drop it, but I really don't think I can. If this is bothering me so much that its all I think about, then obviously its beyond just dropping it. I'll try to talk to him, maybe take a different approach of bringing it up. Any ideas Lexi29?

[porter218]

Have you ever thought that your insistence on a proposal from him is taking the romance out of it. A lot of men like it to be a surprise to their gf and not simply fulfilling a request. You should give him 1 year before you bring it up again, and maybe he will have done it by then if you drop the subject. Really though, 25 is a much better age to get married given your bf age...because then he will be 30 and feeling more mature himself. I find that men don't seem ready for that step until that magical age of 30.

[DragonSlayer]

Yes, when you said you were going to "drop it" that seemed like an impulsive response to the situation as opposed to something you had thought through... It really seems like you're obsessed with it so there is no way you can just drop it...it doesn't work that way. You feel like you NEED to get married and he is messing up your plan by not getting things moving. I understand that it's frustrating...realistically, the only person you can control is YOU. And that makes things really hard.

 

What you need to do is to decide if he is really the one you want and this strong feeling of getting married to HIM isn't just because of your biological clock or life plan. Are you settling for him or do you really want HIM. Honestly, he's 28 and as someone mentioned, he may never get married...you just don't know.

 

Many many many guys push off marriage until they feel that they have to or she'll leave. I think most of us just expect to be harassed at some level until we finally propose...sad but true. I'm not sure why it is, but most of us resist it for one reason or another. How many times have we all heard "He FINALLY proposed to me" or "HOW LONG do I have to wait for him to propose". But I can count the number of guys I've heard who've said "I can't wait to get married" on one hand. Of course, guys may be too macho to admit this even if they feel it.

 

I really don't know what to tell you...I'm glad you found some on here who have been in your position, but it really doesn't help you other than give you moral support. I know you don't want to be in your 30s and in the same position and you don't want to pressure him too much (it does take the romance out of it and makes it feel more like a duty or something that is owed).

 

I guess you have to find out whether he is really interested in marrying you. If you feel that he may not be, then you need to find plan B, which is starting to look for someone else (assuming you don't want to do an alternative method of starting a family).

 

Sorry, it's not an easy position to be in. You really just don't want to force it...otherwise you'll end up coming here in a few years with much BIGGER issues.

[lexi29]

Have you ever thought that your insistence on a proposal from him is taking the romance out of it. A lot of men like it to be a surprise to their gf and not simply fulfilling a request. You should give him 1 year before you bring it up again, and maybe he will have done it by then if you drop the subject. Really though, 25 is a much better age to get married given your bf age...because then he will be 30 and feeling more mature himself. I find that men don't seem ready for that step until that magical age of 30.

 

 

Its true that insisting on a proposal does take the romance out of it and it should be the guy's idea. But this guy DID let her pick out a ring and put it on layaway so he SEEMED to have intentions to propose to her. Then for some unknown reason (OP doesn't know because he didn't tell her) he changed his mind and returned the ring. Yet he still tells her he wants to marry her and plans to propose. I dont' think her waiting an entire year and never bringing up marriage is a good idea. Sure, if her boyfriend doesn't want to get married now, then that plan is great for him because it takes the pressure off. But what about her? She feels she is ready, he got her hopes up by letting her pick out a ring and telling her he wants to marry her and then suddenly he backs off? There are underlying issues here, something he is NOT telling her and instead of making the OP "waste" another year of her life (while her bf reaps all the benefits of being married to her but still has the "escape door" open in case he wants to bail) the couple really needs to sit down and talk about the situation and where they both are in life and their expectations of the future.

 

 

I suspect (though I really hope I am wrong!) that her bf is just telling her what he thinks she wants to hear (that he plans to marry her someday) so that he is not cut off from all the benefits he enjoys are her bf. So should she wait a year without saying anything and then he still does not propose? What then? Wait till he turns 30 and then he still does not propose. I'm not saying this is going to happen but it is a possibility unfortunately. Its better to have the talk now and figure out where each of them are headed rather than sit around and wait for him to fufill her wants/needs in a few years. She is just going to be unhappy and that is going to push them apart.

[lexi29]

Haloandhorns85,

 

I really wish I had some good advice for you but unfortunately my situation didn't turn out the way I wanted (at the time) I ended up leaving my ex because I was tired of being led on and the stress and distance created by his actions (basically leading me on) was just too much for me and one day (should have done it sooner) I just left him. I was so angry with at that time that I just wanted him to come home one day and see all my stuff gone (his house would be empty because almost all of the furniture was mine). I didnt take that route, I talked to him first and explained why I was leaving etc. It hurt very badly at the time but I am much happier today because of my decision. I am engaged to someone else and this guy really wants to marry me and he had no problems proposing (I've never brought it up).

 

You can back off and give your bf some space, you can wait and see if he will propose on his own. I would pick a time frame or set a date in your mind (don't tell him-because ultimatums dont work- trust me- I threatened to leave my ex if he didnt' propose by a certain date and it was months in advance and the "deadline" arrived and there was no proposal and I started packing my stuff and told him why I was leaving (he knew the deadline) and he got mad and drove to the nearest jewelry store and bought the cheapest ring in the store and came home and practically threw it at me and said here is what you want now will you stay! Not exactly a romantic or sincere proposal. I did not accept (as it was basically forced and he had no interest in doing it) and made him take the ring back. At that time I did stay with him (stupid of me!) because I thought that if he was willing to do that he did not want to lose me and maybe he really just wasn't ready. I should point out that I had no interest in running down the isle any time in the near future, I just wanted a promise that he WANTED a future with me and in my mind being engaged symbolized that.)

 

Anyway set a time frame in your mind- the absolute longest amount of time you are willing to wait for him to make up his mind, whether it is 3 months, six months, a year and again dont tell him this time frame. Sit down and have a talk with him. For the last time, let him know how important marriage with HIM is to you. Explain that marriage wouldn't be all that different than your situation now and that you would like to be engaged for a year (or whatever your feelings are ) before you actually get married and you feel that you have been together 3 years and that you love him and you really want to take the next step. Have this final conversation and find out his thoughts and his reactions. I'd also ask him to explain his returning of the ring (you said it was about 9 months since he returned the ring until you brought up marriage again??)

 

And then after one last time of you telling him how you feel etc and finding out his feelings on the subject, set your deadline and if he does not propose by then if you can then leave him. I know it is difficult but this guy needs a wake up call because he is either scared or he is leading you on and I can tell it is hard on you. I wish I had better advice but like I said my situation didn't work out and so I don't know what "works". Good luck.

[DragonSlayer]

Yes, have the talk, but you have to be prepared to leave the relationship if you don't think he's going to propose soon. This will be easier said than done if you're dependent on him at some level.

 

I've heard a couple of things in this thread that kind of bother me. What is the "all the benefits of being married" thing? She's getting all those benefits of being married too! Her man is probably helping to pay the mortgage, supporting her emotionally, washing her car, cutting the grass, picking up milk, coming home after work, having sex with her, etc. Do only MEN get benefits of being married and not women?

 

The other thing is the wasting time with him. My wife has told me over the years that if our R ended she´d have wasted the last 5, 10, or now 15 years with me. My aunt told my uncle the same thing...but 25 years....when she left him. So...why would the OP be "wasting another year" if she stayed with him without being married????

 

Lexi, how many years of your life were "wasted" with your ex? Halo, how many years would you say you've "wasted" with the man that you love so far? And how about if he were to end the relationship tomorrow?

[Trialbyfire]

Many many many guys push off marriage until they feel that they have to or she'll leave.

Of what I've seen on LS, this seems to be a prevalent attitude, although it's not been something I've experienced in real life. What's been prevalent, have been proposals, where I've declined the bulk of them.

 

Perhaps that's it. Once again, men want what they can't have. As a woman, I find this attitude annoying. Either appreciate what you have when you have it or move on and stay gone!

[DragonSlayer]

I think a lot of it has to do with the woman in question. There are varying levels of dependence among women and I think there is a greater chance of an independent woman turning down a proposal or moving on than a dependent one.

 

Once I heard a woman once say something to the effect of "I'm not going to force a guy to marry me. Why would I want to marry a guy who is not dying to marry me?"

 

This is probably a healthier attitude to have.

[lexi29]

Yes, have the talk, but you have to be prepared to leave the relationship if you don't think he's going to propose soon. This will be easier said than done if you're dependent on him at some level.

 

I've heard a couple of things in this thread that kind of bother me. What is the "all the benefits of being married" thing? She's getting all those benefits of being married too! Her man is probably helping to pay the mortgage, supporting her emotionally, washing her car, cutting the grass, picking up milk, coming home after work, having sex with her, etc. Do only MEN get benefits of being married and not women?

 

The other thing is the wasting time with him. My wife has told me over the years that if our R ended she´d have wasted the last 5, 10, or now 15 years with me. My aunt told my uncle the same thing...but 25 years....when she left him. So...why would the OP be "wasting another year" if she stayed with him without being married????

 

Lexi, how many years of your life were "wasted" with your ex? Halo, how many years would you say you've "wasted" with the man that you love so far? And how about if he were to end the relationship tomorrow?

 

I can't speak for anyone else but yes in a way I do consider the time I spent with my ex as years of my life that were wasted. I did enjoy parts of our relationship and am glad I knew him and spent some moments with him but I feel it was "wasted" because I was led to believe we were on the same page, that we wanted the same things in life and he decieved me because he did NOT want to move the relationship forward, he was happy with the way things were and never had any plans of marrying me (yet he led me to believe otherwise). HE kept stringing me along with empty promises and words and meanwhile if I'd known his true intentions (just keeping things the way they were) I could would have had all the information I needed to make the decision to leave the relationship and I could have found someone else who loved me more than he did and someone who wante the same things I did!

 

I don't agree with your wife saying if you left her she'd be wasting her life (I can't believe she would say that aloud how hurtful)

 

 

I think that men do get more benefits without being married because in the case of my ex, I made him dinner every night, I did all the grocery shopping, he got to have sex on a regular basis, he had someone to pay half of the bills, he had someone to come home to every night (he hated being alone), he had someone to help with chores, he had someone to turn to if he he ever needed to talk, he had someone who kept the house clean, and I was the one with all the furniture, pots pans etc for the house we bought. If his car broke down and he needed a ride to work, I lived with him so he had that security as well. So by living with me he had ALL the benefits of being married without the piece of paper (or promise). so any time he decided he didn't want these benefits anymore or that he wanted to be with another woman there was no divorce process, it was an easy escape. Could have been done over a weekend.

 

Yes, I agree I did have some benefits as well. The sex on a regular basis, the having someone to talk to, someone to change the oil in my car, someone to pay half the bills etc. Plus obviously I LOVED him (or else I wouldnt' have wanted to get engaged so badly) But by living with him I felt after awhile that HE was benefiting from the situation more than I was because I was being treated like a wife (not taken on dates etc) and yet he wouldn't follow thru on proposing to me. LIke it was ok for us to live together and share everything and have all his needs met by me (and obviously all MY needs weren't being met because he wasnt' following thru on my need for that promise for the future) but he wouldn't take the next step.

 

What I'm trying to say is that I think men get MORE benefits of just living together and not being married than women do (in the case where the woman wants more, not in the case where it is a mutual decision)

 

I know with my ex, he was comfortable and happy with the way things were and didn't feel he needed anything more (marriage) the problem was that he led me on and lied to me (kept saying he was ready and was going to propose) That is why I say he "wasted" my time because he couldn't be honest and let me make my own decision based on how he really felt (no plans to marry me) I loved him so much I wanted to believe (and I did) that he had plans "someday" because he always talked about it and reassured me that was what he wanted.

[Haloandhorns85]

I think that men do get more benefits without being married because in the case of my ex, I made him dinner every night, I did all the grocery shopping, he got to have sex on a regular basis, he had someone to pay half of the bills, he had someone to come home to every night (he hated being alone), he had someone to help with chores, he had someone to turn to if he he ever needed to talk, he had someone who kept the house clean, and I was the one with all the furniture, pots pans etc for the house we bought. If his car broke down and he needed a ride to work, I lived with him so he had that security as well. So by living with me he had ALL the benefits of being married without the piece of paper (or promise). so any time he decided he didn't want these benefits anymore or that he wanted to be with another woman there was no divorce process, it was an easy escape. Could have been done over a weekend.

 

Yes, I agree I did have some benefits as well. The sex on a regular basis, the having someone to talk to, someone to change the oil in my car, someone to pay half the bills etc. Plus obviously I LOVED him (or else I wouldnt' have wanted to get engaged so badly) But by living with him I felt after awhile that HE was benefiting from the situation more than I was because I was being treated like a wife (not taken on dates etc) and yet he wouldn't follow thru on proposing to me. LIke it was ok for us to live together and share everything and have all his needs met by me (and obviously all MY needs weren't being met because he wasnt' following thru on my need for that promise for the future) but he wouldn't take the next step.

 

I do all those same things...I clean the house from top to bottom, although he occassionally will help with the laundry and dishes, I do all the grocery shopping even though I hate it, I take care of the bills making sure they are all paid on time, I keep up with our finances, I do both of our taxes myself, I handle all accounts and problems with accounts, I even help him mow the yard. I cook for him nearly every night and I am home everyday he gets off work so he does not come home to an empty house..he hates that. I listen to him and have sex with him on a regular basis. Let's see....the list goes on and on. That is one of my biggest problems with this. I am pretty much his wife...but not.

 

Anyways, I talked to him again last night. I told him three years into this relationship is enough for me to wonder where its going and if it's really gonna ever make it there. I told him that he can say he wants to marry me all he wants, but actions speak louder than words. I didn't even mention this to ya'll earlier, but I also told him that I'm sick of him making benchmarks in time to say when he'd be ok getting married then changing it when we reach that particular benchmark. (He originally said a year, then a year came, he said 2. 2 yrs came then he said 3. 3 got here and he still changes it.) That came up when I told him I needed some sort of timeframe. Something to let me know where we stand and how far we have to go. You know what he said? Maybe another year or year and a half! I was like excuse me? I'm not ok with that. We hit three years and you change it yet again!! I told him I feel like he is stringing me along and its not fair. That's he's just too comfortable with the way things are to actually move on. And that everytime he changes his mind, it hurts me.

 

Here was his solution: He said he would move out and if he found himself still wanting to live with me, he'll propose. At first I told him I didn't want him to move out. But then later before bed after thinking about it, I told him, you know what? I don't want to stop you. If you want to move out, then move out. Because I don't want to keep on like this anymore.

 

Omg, his reaction was kinda funny. He looked completely surprised that I said that. And upset at the same time. But like he was trying to hide it. Then today he asked me if I wanted to go see a movie tonite. Lol. What the hell. I know he thinks I'm just gonna forget about our little talk yesterday and what he said, but I'm not. I'm going to ask him if he still plans to move out. Be interesting to hear what he says.

[sb129]

Are you OK with it if he does move out?

It sounds like calling his bluff has given him food for thought, but doing so is a dangerous game if you aren't aware of or prepared to accept the consequences of it.

 

Have you considered what you might do if he doesn't move back in?

 

Are you ready to take a gamble and move forward?

 

Sounds like you might have a little more time to yourself if he does move out! (kidding).

 

If this is want you want, and you are prepared to take the chance that this may NOT end up with a marriage proposal, and could even end up with you being single, stick to your guns and follow through with it.

 

If you waver now, he will take that as a sign that he can get away with stringing you along because he knows that you won't kick him out if he doesn't propose.

 

I think giving him a chance to miss you might be a good thing for both of you.

[porter218]

I do all those same things...I clean the house from top to bottom, although he occassionally will help with the laundry and dishes, I do all the grocery shopping even though I hate it, I take care of the bills making sure they are all paid on time, I keep up with our finances, I do both of our taxes myself, I handle all accounts and problems with accounts, I even help him mow the yard. I cook for him nearly every night and I am home everyday he gets off work so he does not come home to an empty house..he hates that. I listen to him and have sex with him on a regular basis. Let's see....the list goes on and on. That is one of my biggest problems with this. I am pretty much his wife...but not.

 

Anyways, I talked to him again last night. I told him three years into this relationship is enough for me to wonder where its going and if it's really gonna ever make it there. I told him that he can say he wants to marry me all he wants, but actions speak louder than words. I didn't even mention this to ya'll earlier, but I also told him that I'm sick of him making benchmarks in time to say when he'd be ok getting married then changing it when we reach that particular benchmark. (He originally said a year, then a year came, he said 2. 2 yrs came then he said 3. 3 got here and he still changes it.) That came up when I told him I needed some sort of timeframe. Something to let me know where we stand and how far we have to go. You know what he said? Maybe another year or year and a half! I was like excuse me? I'm not ok with that. We hit three years and you change it yet again!! I told him I feel like he is stringing me along and its not fair. That's he's just too comfortable with the way things are to actually move on. And that everytime he changes his mind, it hurts me.

 

Here was his solution: He said he would move out and if he found himself still wanting to live with me, he'll propose. At first I told him I didn't want him to move out. But then later before bed after thinking about it, I told him, you know what? I don't want to stop you. If you want to move out, then move out. Because I don't want to keep on like this anymore.

 

Omg, his reaction was kinda funny. He looked completely surprised that I said that. And upset at the same time. But like he was trying to hide it. Then today he asked me if I wanted to go see a movie tonite. Lol. What the hell. I know he thinks I'm just gonna forget about our little talk yesterday and what he said, but I'm not. I'm going to ask him if he still plans to move out. Be interesting to hear what he says.

Good, keep to this and except nothing less. Once you have agreed to this you have shifted the power back to you. as young as you are you still have plenty of time to find someone else to start a family with at a young age in the event that he doesn't propose. reading then rereading this post I become less convinced he is completely into you. It sounds like the house is yours and you do everything for him, what man wouldn't love to ride that out as long as they can?

[FlyingToaster]

I just got into this thread. I don't feel I can give you much advice, but I think it's a good idea to have him move out. Even if he tries to backpeddle, hand him is duffle bag and say, "Buh-bye!" As long as you are okay with the possibility that he may not realize what he's losing.

 

From what I've read (or skimmed over), he doesn't seem to contribute much as far as the day-to-day tasks and responsibilities that are part of being an adult (paying bills, etc.). What does he give you emotionally? Did I miss something there?

 

His moving out may surprisingly affect you as well. You may find yourself in a month or two slapping your forehead and saying, "What was I thinking wanting to marry that guy?"

 

I don't mean to insult. I've looked back at past relationships that I was so keyed up about and after removing myself from the situation, I was able to get a better perspective on it.

 

Sorry to be so scattered in my thoughts. Dealing with my toddler while I type.

 

Take care

[lexi29]

I think that him moving out is a good idea. Like someone else said if you give in now (and let him stay) he will know he can just drag this out for as long as he wants and not keep his word. THe list of things you say you do- I did all that for ex too and I know he did not want to end the relationship with me, but also didn't want to move forward because what benefit did he get from marrying me? I already did everything for him as you do for your boyfriend! Your boyfriend really has no incentive to marry you because basically you are already his wife without the strings attached. If you make him move out I am 90% sure he will miss you and realize how good he had it!! That may motivate him to propose so he does not lose you. He takes you for granted and does not seem to appreciate you. He's too comfortable with the situation and you need to shake him up. I think he needs to lose you to appreciate you.

 

I know it is easier said than done- you are attached to him and you love him and are used to having him around. So it is a big change if he moves out. There is the possiblity that he won't come back so you have to think about that too. But I think it will be a lot less stressful than continuing to live with him and wanting a proposal because honestly I don't think this guy is going to propose if you keep things the way they are. My ex did the same- gave me a time frame and kept changing it as soon as the time he promised arrived. It was very frustrating. I hope you stick to your guns and kick him out so he can make up his mind. Good luck!

[angryyoungman70]

I agree with what other posters are saying. Tell him to leave. In the end you will both be better off, and you'll no longer have to listen to him or have sex with him.

[Haloandhorns85]

Hey....we had a really good discussion last night. I wrote down all of my thoughts and questions throughout the day yesterday so that when we were talking I could stay on track if he threw me for a loop with something he said. Like the moving out BS. Once again, he gave me a timeframe....but this time I did too. Within a year....definitely by this time next year, I will have a ring on my finger and a promise of marriage. Otherwise, he WILL move out. We agreed on it. He told me the main reason why he hasn't taken this step is timing. Which, I honestly didn't think of. Went through the rough patch last summer/beginning of fall; my brother got married in December; went on vacation in January; Had a crisis in his family this spring; My parents are getting a divorce and its turning very nasty while sucking me into the middle of it; we just bought a new truck. He said that he just wanted the timing to be right. And that he had been planning on buying a ring and popping the question, but that everytime he wanted to, something would come up financially or emotionally that left us both drained. I understand that, I just never thought of it that way. He did admit though, that focusing on timing and everything outside of our house that messed up the timing has pushed the proposal to the back burner and that he never intended for that to happen. He told me he understood my feelings and my reasons for being so upset. He didn't answer all my questions, but the most important ones I wouldn't let him evade like usual, lol. I don't really know what made this discussion so much more productive than the others other than the fact that I wrote down everything I wanted and needed to say. I guess it worked. But I'm at ease more so now. Thanks for all the advice to all that cared to try to help. :-)

[torranceshipman]

When you get married you are supposed to be ready to respect eachothers needs and wishes...you sound SO concerned with what you want but you don't seem to care that he might not be ready, so you arent respecting his needs-and that is what marriage is all about. Lay off the poor guy and let him take his own sweet time. If he was ready he'd have asked you already, if he wants to ask you in 1yr or 2 or 3, thats what you should accept because he needs to be ready-its HIS life, and not yours to control , or to schedule to your own timeframe. You want to get married NOW but he doesnt so back off. It's not fair to push him before hes ready. He might try to placate you with reasons he hasnt proposed yet (you do seem to question him a LOT!) or worse he might propose just to placate you so you wont be pissed at him all the time and that'll lead to BIG resentment from him in the future.

 

And besides, theres no rush....you guys have a nice home and a lot of quality time together so learn to appreciate what you have instead of throwing tantrums over what you dont have...dont let your nagging mess up a good thing.

[carhill]

And that he had been planning on buying a ring and popping the question, but that everytime he wanted to, something would come up financially or emotionally that left us both drained.

Glad to hear that. Time to go ring shopping.

 

Just so you know, a "perfect time" to propose doesn't just happen. Something will always "come up". That's how life works. A man who is ready will make the "perfect time". Your job is to accept and respect the reality that your BF is not ready at this time and decide what you have to do for yourself.

 

OP, can I ask you a serious question? Is your BF a man of action or does he like to talk? I think you know what I mean. Does he accept responsibility or try to explain away things? In your posting about your talk, I hear a lot of explaining but little responsibility. It sounded like a customer explaining to me why they didn't pay me and they're doing it badly

 

OK, watch for the actions. Ring shopping is fun

[Haloandhorns85]

When you get married you are supposed to be ready to respect eachothers needs and wishes...you sound SO concerned with what you want but you don't seem to care that he might not be ready, so you arent respecting his needs-and that is what marriage is all about. Lay off the poor guy and let him take his own sweet time. If he was ready he'd have asked you already, if he wants to ask you in 1yr or 2 or 3, thats what you should accept because he needs to be ready-its HIS life, and not yours to control , or to schedule to your own timeframe. You want to get married NOW but he doesnt so back off. It's not fair to push him before hes ready. He might try to placate you with reasons he hasnt proposed yet (you do seem to question him a LOT!) or worse he might propose just to placate you so you wont be pissed at him all the time and that'll lead to BIG resentment from him in the future.

 

And besides, theres no rush....you guys have a nice home and a lot of quality time together so learn to appreciate what you have instead of throwing tantrums over what you dont have...dont let your nagging mess up a good thing.

 

Its kinda funny to me that nearly every man that has commented about my problem says the same thing...what about HIS wants and HIS needs...its HIS life, not yours....but the reality is its BOTH OF OUR LIVES! NOT JUST HIS! And obviously you, torranceshipman, haven't read all of my posts. I DO meet his needs and wants...he NEVER complains. And 3 yrs into a relationship is not too soon to be wanting to talk about our future. I'm not wanting to get married today, tomorrow, or even in a couple months. I just want to know that is where we are heading sometime in the near future.

[Haloandhorns85]

Glad to hear that. Time to go ring shopping.

 

Just so you know, a "perfect time" to propose doesn't just happen. Something will always "come up". That's how life works. A man who is ready will make the "perfect time". Your job is to accept and respect the reality that your BF is not ready at this time and decide what you have to do for yourself.

 

OP, can I ask you a serious question? Is your BF a man of action or does he like to talk? I think you know what I mean. Does he accept responsibility or try to explain away things? In your posting about your talk, I hear a lot of explaining but little responsibility. It sounded like a customer explaining to me why they didn't pay me and they're doing it badly

 

OK, watch for the actions. Ring shopping is fun

 

 

Lol,..I know! I loved when we went shopping for a ring the first time!

 

Anyways, yeah...I get the same vibe, but what can you do? There really are not many men of action. But he gave me a year. By the end of the year...he'll either be a man of action or a man of walking. Either way, my problem will be solved within a year.