alialui Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Hi. I just started NC and just came up with idea to have NC buddies to go thru this tough test. we talk about what it felt like and encourage each other not to call our exs. let's help each other:) I'll be waiting for my NC buddies Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 4 days and counting. You don't want to know the details I'm doing the extreme version. No contact, no re-reading of my own or her e-mails, no looking at pictures, nothing. I've got over 20 years of connection to get rid of. Then there's the matter of my wife Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author alialui Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 nice to meet you carhill. What you are going thru sounds much tougher than mine. we still love each other and it's amazing that our attraction survived in spite of all the ugly fights and dramas. I'll never call him, but I'll respond if he contacts me and start LC. but I wouldn't be too pushy nor say something to hurt him on purpose (it was like defense mechanism. i wanted to hurt him before he ever would). good luck have a good one Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 IMO, better to stay strict NC, at least for a fixed period. It allows emotions to center and for some measure of detachment. The best thing MC has done for me is helped me realize that I can love someone yet be incompatible with them. It (and LS) also taught me the toxicity of triangulation. Yes, my dynamic is different than yours, apparently, so the solution must necessarily be different. I understand your attraction dynamic, likely more than is easily shared here. My journals will provide you some understanding of my perspective. I wish you well in your journey Link to post Share on other sites
Love_Forest Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Sorry but what does mean: NC, MC and LC? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 NC- no contact (with a person like girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/wife/husband) MC- Marriage counseling or counselor LC- limited contact (as in if children are involved and contact must exist for their benefit) Link to post Share on other sites
fetish Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I'm on my 5th day of NC. It hurts but i know i have to be strong for my dignity. I'm not sure if any of you guys read my story but what led to our breakup was really her fault. She's trying to play like a dude and act hard and not contact me either. I'm not going to give in because that'll show my weakness and then she'll think she's okay to act up anytime she wants. I still wonder if she's having just a hard of time with this as I am. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Work on the "wonder" part. Focus your thoughts. Your intellect can direct your emotions. The trick is letting all the emotions out and validating them. Then work on them cognitively. Congrats on 5 days. There will be days when you want to curl up in a ball. They're still coming. I went through this many years ago so have experience. Link to post Share on other sites
critter909 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Today is day 6 for me. Our last conversation ended with me promising not to call him and that he can call me when he is ready to talk to me. So I wait... It sucks. But a promise is a promise Link to post Share on other sites
ioncebelieved Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 "I'm your huckleberry!" Count me in and I am weak, I am back on day 2. I keep breaking it. But I like your idea.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 So I wait... It sucks. Erase "wait". You wait for paint to dry This is like IC. It's all about *you*. You're doing this for *you*. "Sucking" is not allowed Link to post Share on other sites
critter909 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 The waiting for the paint to dry reference is pretty accurate. That's kind of what if feels like right now... Link to post Share on other sites
Love_Forest Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 NC- no contact (with a person like girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/wife/husband) MC- Marriage counseling or counselor LC- limited contact (as in if children are involved and contact must exist for their benefit) Thank you. I have almost 1 year (actually 10 mo) NC, but I am near to broke this NC, I feel i need to talk to him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author alialui Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 I'm not really sure what I should do. the reason he left me was that he couldn't trust my feelings for me and my bad temper. before emailing him that I would initiate NC for both of us, we had another fight which made me decide to end the contact completely. at that time, I feel like he was not the one. but after a few days, "what if he was" is bugging me. I hurt him alot and I don't want to hurt him anymore. if this NC would give him time to heal without hurting him, I'll just ignore his calls or text. or I'm thinking about limiting the contact to emails. What do you think, Carhill? Thank you:) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 What is your goal? I'll use an example....my goal is two-fold... Firstly, I had to end the triangulation with my long-time female friend because it was distracting me from working on my marriage. Also, I sensed that I was filling a void in her relationship, meeting needs that she should be getting met by her boyfriend. The whole mess, even though we've always been platonic friends (due to circumstance, not desire) was unhealthy for everyone IMO. So, the only way to bring some health to it was to end contact. Someone had to do it and that someone was me. Does that mean we might have contact in the future? Sure. My feelings for her haven't changed in a quarter century so I don't expect them to change in <name a number>. Your situation and reasons are your own. Only you know what's right for you. Remember, do not do this as a tool to get him back. This is a tool to help you heal and center yourself. In my case, I have to decide if my marriage is viable or not. The only way to do that is to have a clear head without obvious outside distractions. I have no interest in "other women" save for this longtime friend, so my job is relatively simple. Yours may not be Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
littledream Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Work on the "wonder" part. Focus your thoughts. Your intellect can direct your emotions. The trick is letting all the emotions out and validating them. Then work on them cognitively. You mentioned above to let out your emotions, which I do via journalling and writing letters I don't send, but validating my emotions...do you mean thinking through them to get to the bottom of why I feel the way I do? Sometimes I find no matter how much I reason with my feelings, they're still there. As for NC tips, well whenever I get nostalgic and think of nice things about my ex - which usually leads me to want to contact them in some way, I immediately write down something negative about them (or about what they did) on index cards (one negative item per card). Usually after a few its enough to get me through the urge to contact them. And the stack of cards is a nice visual reminder. Link to post Share on other sites
purplepoodle Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I'm on day 2 of NC. Had to start all over again Link to post Share on other sites
Author alialui Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 My goal is... i don't know. if he's the one, I want a ring from him. if we ever have chance to build a brand new healthy relationship. I started dating another guy and usually it takes me fairly long time to get to like someone. and I'm not sure how i would feel about my ex after dating this guy for a while. if I feel like I still love him, I hope he would want to get in touch with me hoping to date me again. My ex used to crazy about me, and I'm sure that he still loves me (too obvious). but he lost trust and is very afraid of getting hurt agai. all my fault. I didn't treat him right. the thing is tho, when we don't talk to each other for a week or two after big fights, he always called me, no matter what I've done (once, I slapped him on the face three times in a row.... I feel so bad about it now) So, totally avoiding him would make him feel more rejected and afraid of getting back with me. I'm not gonna push him to be back with me. I know it should happen all naturally. but still, I want to be nice to him when he calls or texts. but i won't initiate the contact tho. plz tell me what you think about this. You must be much wiser than me:) have a good one Link to post Share on other sites
critter909 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Sounds kind of like both of you are moving on. You are dating someone else and he hasn't called... Link to post Share on other sites
Author alialui Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 I have this sure feeling that he would call. is having this kind of belief harmful? I really want to get out of the old relationshiop and the emotionally abusive cycle. even tho I didn't like the relationship, I still like him. He is the nicest guy I've ever known (so warmhearted and generous) and the fact that our attraction survived all the fights and heartbreaks would mean something. it's easy to tell other members what to do, and i know what I need to do. I should focus on my life and stop thinking about this thing. I'll try. I should get over the old relationship and the breakup to see what I really want from him. Link to post Share on other sites
sparktonSS Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 You know what I dont get about NC? Here is an example. Guy and girl break up. Girls mother tells girl not to contact guy...that will make him want to know what you are doing. Guy is out with friends doing whatever, and thinks "im not gonna contact her until she contacts me". Now, both parties want each other back, but neither want to break the NC rule. Guy and girl go five months without contact, and they both are deeply saddened because they both think the other has moved on, but they havent. This is why I do not like NC unless you are absolutely sure you want nothing to do with the other party. Link to post Share on other sites
Love_Forest Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 My self i want to broke my NC after almost 1 year (actually 10 mo) and during this time I have date 14 guys (only 1-2 dates with each of them, even no kiss because I did not feel that) and with 2 of then I was about 3 mo. I had a lot adventures during this time due to my outdoors hobbies. And also during this time I had a surgery that was very difficult time for me. Did not help me to find another boyfriend or to forget my ex. I really feel I wan to call him but I am affraid of being rejected. I know he has no girlfriend, but he was dated some for sure... Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Tealeafbud and 0hpenelope were my NC buds.. Maybe they'll drop by this thread? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 My self i want to broke my NC after almost 1 year (actually 10 mo) and during this time I have date 14 guys (only 1-2 dates with each of them, even no kiss because I did not feel that) and with 2 of then I was about 3 mo. I had a lot adventures during this time due to my outdoors hobbies. And also during this time I had a surgery that was very difficult time for me. Did not help me to find another boyfriend or to forget my ex. I really feel I wan to call him but I am affraid of being rejected. I know he has no girlfriend, but he was dated some for sure... Hmm...I'm pretty impressed. 14 guys in 10 months. How do you feel now? When you think about your ex, what is the same and what is different? Do you think you can have a healthier relationship now, with him or anyone? I'd like to go out on a limb and suggest that you risk rejection and contact him. How do you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Love_Forest Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Hmm...I'm pretty impressed. 14 guys in 10 months. How do you feel now? When you think about your ex, what is the same and what is different? Do you think you can have a healthier relationship now, with him or anyone? I'd like to go out on a limb and suggest that you risk rejection and contact him. How do you feel about that? Why are you sure he will reject me? (sorry but I do not understand "go out on a limb") Of course i will be sad if he will reject me. I know he is alone and he has difficulties to be in a relation with someone, but I do not know the reason. I do not know if he thing about me as i think about him.... But I will continue my life I discovered after him, lots of outdoors , lots of movies, parties etc and i will be open to anyone who want to date me. And I will continue to believe there is someone for me..... And he will not reject me I will continue to have fun with my friends but i will not date others men. What I think about my ex when I compare him with my 14 dates.... I like my ex because he was always willing to take the risk and to have lots of adventure, to try new foods, to learn new things....ok something I did not like is the fact that he is sometimes was too childish and imature, but at some extent that was fun, and also he was scared by something bad can happen but it did not happened but would be possible to happen ... my ex was too rigid in negative thinking.... but we can work on this ... myself i am wiling always to work on my "issue" and this why i went to a social worker for help. After this experience I will be able to have a healthier relationship, I learn a lot, but i did not find the person to have the relation. My 14 dates were really sadly boring, the person I was dating during 3 mo including the Christmas and New Year was so ..... he even did not call me to greet me those days or to make to a present for those days...I am not material but I did it for him as i did for many persons I know around me.... I was asking what is he doing in his spare time and he told to me "veggie", siting in his room and doing nothing.... how is this possible... or another one I was dating about 3 mo had no his own life he always tried to include him in my activities (can you believe to take him to my volunteer work) that is was so annoying for me..... I am restless, I like to have adventure and to explore the my limitations, to take risks.....I am not the person to have a routine life.... Link to post Share on other sites
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