I need a NC buddy.

[stillstrong1]

Hades07 and Stillstrong01: It's great that you have friends who will support you, even if just by listening. It is a downer for them, but I'm sure they understand. What I did was "rotate out" friends. And then when both of the married couples I was "leaning" on got divorced shortly after my divorce, I was there for the non-cheater in those cases. Just make sure you return the favor when they are going through their hard time. I'm also here for you on this site if you need someone to listen to your break up issues. Hang in there.

 

Thanks Trust.

 

I think the bottom line is that when someone is in pain, they just need someone to listen to them. And also get perspective. For example, my ex did some crazy things but in her opinion, she's in the right, so it's good to hear other people's perspectives on things so that you don't think you're going crazy.

[hades07]

Thanks trust. Yeah its hard still love her very much and I even had dinner and supper with her today and it went along well, we get along better now than when we were together but I have to stop seeing her now and contacting her before I get too heartbroken. Also I was just wondering how does NC actually help a person?

[df273]

NC is like breaking a drug habbit. I'm on day 7 right now. It has been very hard. Some days are worse then others. You slowly get better in time, as long as you do not relapse.

 

In the long run, I hope it keeps me sane. I can't tell you exactly how it helps, I'm sure it depends on the type and severity of a situation, but from what I am to understand, it helps you cope with and finalize the loss. If you keep in contact, it could be a never ending cycle.

[trust]

Thanks Trust.

 

I think the bottom line is that when someone is in pain, they just need someone to listen to them. And also get perspective. For example, my ex did some crazy things but in her opinion, she's in the right, so it's good to hear other people's perspectives on things so that you don't think you're going crazy.

 

True. I hear you man. I am no stranger to craziness. And let me offer up this suggestion if I may - don't try to make sense of the craziness. It will only make *you* crazy. You've got to find something that motivates you and start doing it asap to get your mind off of her. I'm assuming you are in the NC buddy section because you've realized that you should go No Contact, correct? Just making sure we are on the same page.

[trust]

NC is like breaking a drug habbit. I'm on day 7 right now. It has been very hard. Some days are worse then others. You slowly get better in time, as long as you do not relapse.

 

In the long run, I hope it keeps me sane. I can't tell you exactly how it helps, I'm sure it depends on the type and severity of a situation, but from what I am to understand, it helps you cope with and finalize the loss. If you keep in contact, it could be a never ending cycle.

 

Exactly. And let me tell you, a friend of mine went through a lengthy breakup (divorce) for 3 years. He did go crazy from *having* to contact her. And I'm not talking about just crazy - I mean crazy crazy. Now I don't know how to get him to some psychological help because he thinks he's fine (he believes the FBI are going through his things in his house every weekend). It's really sad. Don't let it drag you down like that. After 3 years, I had to go no contact with *him* as his support because he started to believe that I may have had something to do with letting the FBI in his house (there are no FBI). It's all just insane.

[hades07]

What if I'm really close with my ex and still want to be friends with her even if were not together. I have never been so comfortable and easy with someone in my life as I am with her, not even with my guy friends. That, more than having her as my gf, is what I am afraid of losing the most.

[hades07]

Also, starting today its my first day NC. After being close to her, especially having fun and lunch dates yesterday, will NC a month after the break up help? I'm trying to get over her but the thing I want most is to get her back.

[carhill]

NC is not for "getting her back"; it's to allow a person who has experienced a relationship ending to emotionally heal. At some point, you'll say "it was a great experience, her life is valuable but she isn't on my mind constantly anymore." Think about how you feel about your guy friends and platonic female friends....really examine that and the difference between that feeling and the feeling for you ex. When your feelings for your ex equal those for your other friends, then you can truly be friends.

 

Your ex broke up with you. Her reasons are her reasons. Acceptance is a big part of being healthy. It's a process

[trust]

NC is not for "getting her back"; it's to allow a person who has experienced a relationship ending to emotionally heal. At some point, you'll say "it was a great experience, her life is valuable but she isn't on my mind constantly anymore." Think about how you feel about your guy friends and platonic female friends....really examine that and the difference between that feeling and the feeling for you ex. When your feelings for your ex equal those for your other friends, then you can truly be friends.

 

Your ex broke up with you. Her reasons are her reasons. Acceptance is a big part of being healthy. It's a process

 

Exactly. I couldn't have said it better than that.

[northstar1]

NC is not for "getting her back"; it's to allow a person who has experienced a relationship ending to emotionally heal. At some point, you'll say "it was a great experience, her life is valuable but she isn't on my mind constantly anymore." Think about how you feel about your guy friends and platonic female friends....really examine that and the difference between that feeling and the feeling for you ex. When your feelings for your ex equal those for your other friends, then you can truly be friends.

 

Your ex broke up with you. Her reasons are her reasons. Acceptance is a big part of being healthy. It's a process

 

Brilliant.

 

Nothing you can do, email, text, or say can bring her back - all that will do is further push them away and delay your healing.

 

You need to use the NC to move on with your life.

[hades07]

But what if she keeps telling me she wants to be with me shes just not ready for a long-term commitment?

[stillstrong1]

True. I hear you man. I am no stranger to craziness. And let me offer up this suggestion if I may - don't try to make sense of the craziness. It will only make *you* crazy. You've got to find something that motivates you and start doing it asap to get your mind off of her. I'm assuming you are in the NC buddy section because you've realized that you should go No Contact, correct? Just making sure we are on the same page.

 

NC Day 3. Woke up with a crushing depression. I had a dream that she was out of my life and I was alone and crying. Geez, what a way to start the day!

[northstar1]

But what if she keeps telling me she wants to be with me shes just not ready for a long-term commitment?

 

Well, you have to ask yourself - if she does not see long term potential in dating you, what exactly is her interest level?

[hades07]

Shes interested it's just she is afraid of commitment. Shes brought it up many times before cause both her parents live together, are financially dependent on one another, but are not in love. Everytime she brought it up I reassured her, told her it was okay, were amazing together and she would be fine, but this time I agreed with her, I felt like we were distant and I told her I felt single lately, but in no way was that a bad thing, its just that she started a new job and my father had open heart surgery so I spent alot of time with him and my family and she took that as I didn't want her anymore.

[carhill]

You're currently incompatible. If there truly is love between you, it will stand the test of time. This is key element, that being understanding that you can love each other but be incompatible. You desire commitment; she is afraid. Her fear fuels her distance and your frustration. Growth is required. She desires for it to happen away from your relationship. Respect that. She can be interested in you and love you but not want to be with you right now.

 

If you start NC today and maintain it for a year, what do you think will happen?

[superam]

Hi Corrine and Stillstrong, sorry i have,nt got back to you before now, i,ve been away on business. I would love to connect with you guys. E-mail me at [email protected]. Look forward to hearing from you and anyone else as were all on here feel simular pain.

[trust]

NC Day 3. Woke up with a crushing depression. I had a dream that she was out of my life and I was alone and crying. Geez, what a way to start the day!

 

I feel you. But hey, at least you *got* some sleep. I was sleep deprived and started hearing voices. Had to call a friend who was a Navy Seal and he told me that it was perfectly normal because they did that (sleep deprivation) to him as part of his training and he was hallucinating as well. See this as you coming out tougher on the other end...Not trying to up you on tragedies... just trying to help by way of sharing the pain. Keep up the good work. You *will* make it, but it *will* be tough. Good things are ahead.

[hades07]

NC for a year? I really don't think that is possible since we share almost all the same friends, live fairly close and it wasnt a bad break up at all other then both of us crying a few times so we said we would be friends for the time being. I agree with what your saying, she feels like she needs to grow away from me. One quote she said multiple times to me, and not in a bad manner either was "Sometime I wish I met you when I was older because I know your the one but that way I would have more experience being young."

[stillstrong1]

I feel you. But hey, at least you *got* some sleep. I was sleep deprived and started hearing voices. Had to call a friend who was a Navy Seal and he told me that it was perfectly normal because they did that (sleep deprivation) to him as part of his training and he was hallucinating as well. See this as you coming out tougher on the other end...Not trying to up you on tragedies... just trying to help by way of sharing the pain. Keep up the good work. You *will* make it, but it *will* be tough. Good things are ahead.

 

When was this? And how long did it take until you felt much better? What were the circumstances of your breakup?

[trust]

When was this? And how long did it take until you felt much better? What were the circumstances of your breakup?

 

Looong Jerry Springer story...Drama began in August 2004. Divorce began and then ended about 30 days later. Folks told me it would be at least a year before I started to feel better...I laughed... but they were right. Depending on the time/relationship you two shared and the point you began disconnecting..it varies. That's kinda the idea with the NC; an end, but a new beginning. I'd rather hear about you. You're going through it right now.

[carhill]

NC for a year? I really don't think that is possible since we share almost all the same friends, live fairly close and it wasnt a bad break up at all other then both of us crying a few times so we said we would be friends for the time being. I agree with what your saying, she feels like she needs to grow away from me. One quote she said multiple times to me, and not in a bad manner either was "Sometime I wish I met you when I was older because I know your the one but that way I would have more experience being young."

Yes, my wife and I have many of the same friends, too. When relationships end, many things change. This is all part of the choice one makes when ending or accepting the end of the relationship. You have a choice. Stay engaged and suffer the pain or distance yourself from your GF and separate your R with her from the friendships you have with mutual friends. You'll likely find out now who your friends are and who the friends of the relationship are/were. Your friends will respect your choice of NC and will support you in that choice.

 

There are a million and one excuses for maintaining contact and the only substantive one I can think of is if you had biological/adoptive children together where parenting is involved. Think about that....

[stillstrong1]

trust,

 

Here's my story.

 

Basically I was in a relationship that lasted almost 3 yrs. I loved the girl and was thinking of marrying her. Towards the last 6 months she started becoming very insecure and jealous. The beginning of the end was when she went through my journal and must have read all 150 pages to find one paragraph that said "she's not that hot and she knows it." Mind you, I wrote a lot of very positive things about her, and that was the only negative and it was written on a day where I was feeling bad.

 

She called me, crying, that she read the journal and drove off. Despite being angry at her for reading it, I begged her to come back and she did a week later. However, things started going downhill. As the months wore on, she started grilling me more and more about what I was doing and who I had dated prior to meeting her. I caught her looking at my ex's myspace page, and she admitted that she was looking at it several times a month, even though I hadn't talked to my ex for 4 yrs!

 

We planned a road trip with me, her and some friends for my birthday. The day before she said she didn't want to go, I had to convince her to come. A month prior she asked if I had ever gone to this place before, I said yes, she said when?, I said 4 or 5 years ago, she asked if I went with my ex, I said yes. First night we got there, I was very tired and didn't feel like dancing, she asked what was wrong, I said nothing, she said she knew what was wrong, that I was comparing this time with my previous time there with my ex and I was disappointed. I said that wasn't true, but she threw a hissy fit and ruined the night.

 

When we got back home, the nagging and grilling escalated. She was asking me if I was interested in other women, how many women I had been with, etc, it was all way too intense. We got into one last argument where I said that she couldn't handle that I was with attractive women prior to her, she started yelling that I called her unattractive, packed her stuff and drove off.

 

I tried contacting her again but she said we were broken up. At that point, I was so upset at the whole thing, I just wanted to move on, and I set up an online dating profile. She called me a few days later and said that she had changed her mind and wanted to come back to me. Then she asked if I was always true and loyal to her? I said yes, then she said "Aha, I got you mother****r, I know what you've been doing online". Apparently she hacked my email passwords and had been reading my emails for months I found out later.

 

I was so angry that she had been reading my emails, we didn't talk for a while. Then we started talking again, she said I was a cheater. I said I put up a profile after we broke up, how was that cheating? So anyway, here we are past the point of no return.

 

There were other points of contention too, at one point she stopped dressing up or trying to look good at social events and she started smoking, even though she knew I hated it. One time I picked her up from the airport and everyone from the plane was getting their luggage, but I didn't see her. I called to ask where she was, she said she went out to have a cigarette. Then she comes to greet me with the worst cigarette breath of all time, I pulled away, and she was furious at me. I sat down with her and told her she stopped trying for me, the least she could do is have gum with her and try her best, she didn't talk to me for a week after that.

 

So, that's my story. This girl had a lot of positive qualities, but she was so insecure and it all went down hill fast. I still miss her though and wish it didn't quite end up this way.

[trust]

Stillstrong1:

 

I’m going to do this talk a little differently than I’ve done in the past 2 weeks of being on this site. I want to tailor my response to what *you* think you may need right now. If you want me to sit and listen…then I’ll sit and listen..but if you want feedback on what the both of you did…then let me know.. I’ve done the same “not-exactly-great” things you’ve done..but I’ve got to warn you…what I’ve got to say will probably hurt, thus making you not feel better about the situation. It doesn’t matter one way or the other.. If you want me to just listen than give me the word…if you want what I think about what you did…then tell me so.

 

So how’s it going today? Feeling much better?

[stillstrong1]

Stillstrong1:

 

I’m going to do this talk a little differently than I’ve done in the past 2 weeks of being on this site. I want to tailor my response to what *you* think you may need right now. If you want me to sit and listen…then I’ll sit and listen..but if you want feedback on what the both of you did…then let me know.. I’ve done the same “not-exactly-great” things you’ve done..but I’ve got to warn you…what I’ve got to say will probably hurt, thus making you not feel better about the situation. It doesn’t matter one way or the other.. If you want me to just listen than give me the word…if you want what I think about what you did…then tell me so.

 

So how’s it going today? Feeling much better?

 

I welcome any feedback. I don't have any ego at stake here and if I made mistakes, I'm willing to learn. For the record, however, no matter what the issue with this profile, to me the relationship was over after she'd driven off and left me the last time. I just can't deal with getting the rug pulled out from under me repeatedly. Also, I'm bitter about all the privacy invasion- reading the journal, emails, etc.

[trust]

I welcome any feedback. I don't have any ego at stake here and if I made mistakes, I'm willing to learn. For the record, however, no matter what the issue with this profile, to me the relationship was over after she'd driven off and left me the last time. I just can't deal with getting the rug pulled out from under me repeatedly. Also, I'm bitter about all the privacy invasion- reading the journal, emails, etc.

 

Ok. Here it goes....

 

She went through your journal? I’m going to assume you haven’t done something similar to her, as that bad behavior sets the standard for her to do it as well. You said, “she’s not that hot and she knows it.” Ouch. It would have been a good thing if you’d at least told her how upset you were that she had betrayed your trust by going through your personal things. This is what I call “the table turn.” It’s a psychological thing but what it does is cushions her blow if you can let her know that what she did to get that information was messed up. It’s kind of like what judges do as punishment for those who acquire information illegally to use against someone in court – they declare it inadmissible. In your case, both of you are the judge, jury, and executioner right now so…that’s the only punishment you’ll be able to throw out there. But at the end of the day, I think she may be one up on you with that written comment, and I’ll explain.

 

Boy, if there’s one thing I’ve learned with women…is to NEVER…EVER…say (or write) something disparaging about someone you supposedly love, *ESPECIALLY* when that someone is a WOMAN. Don’t even do it if she did it first. They are emotional beings (not emotional in a bad way) and they will take that STRAIGHT to the heart. It’s time to take personal responsibility for your words. In a sense, you betrayed her with those words so, the consequences are coming back to bite you.

 

“I said that she couldn't handle that I was with attractive women prior to her..” --that was strike two dude. Not only did you write it, but now you confirmed it with your words. It’s not looking good.

 

She broke in to your email? Are you sure about that? Sounds like she has some boundary issues…but it seems you fueled her behavior when you broke her trust the first time. And each time she investigated, she got confirmation. Still not looking good.

 

“I pulled away, and she was furious at me. I sat down with her and told her she stopped trying for me, the least she could do is have gum with her and try her best, she didn't talk to me for a week after that.” Dang dude…strike three. I’d be pissed if I were her, and I had come back from a trip, got off a plane, and you arrived with a focus on bad breath. She’s the more emotional being here…not you..so you’ve got to cater to it for so long as it’s reasonable. And it certainly sounds like she is being reasonable so far. You sound like you may be a little on the critical side, just like me. Have you been accused of being critical many times before? Are you a Virgo by any chance? There’s a tough road ahead of you if you don’t learn to watch what you say in respect to how she *feels*. You won’t be able to recover from that crap. Some words are never forgotten and when you learn to reconcile, you’ll see that as the hateful things you say add up, you will be making reconciliation nearly impossible.

 

There are 3 important lessons in this for you to learn:

 

1.. You have to be sensitive to the way she *feels*. And when you make her feel bad (your betrayal), you’ve got to make up for it somehow. This is very difficult for someone who does not have much relationship experience. You are going to need to get some outside help on that one. I could recommend a good book if you are interested.

 

 

2.. People change. This is your little lesson (little meaning you didn’t have a lot to lose comparatively speaking – wife, house, kids, etc.) Learn from it. Get used to her changing and decide what you will live with and what you won’t- do it now. So she started smoking. I hate that crap, as I have severe allergies to cigarette smoke. You’ve got to figure out what’s most important in your relationships. When and if you get married, guess what’s going to happen? Your future wife will change. If it isn’t something like cigarette smoking, it’ll be something else that you hate equally as bad, if not worse. Change will be a constant. You will have to do some homework and figure out what is most important to you. When you find that special someone again, and you will, then share that info with her. Communicate and talk things out.

 

 

3.. Find a way to be less critical.

 

I know that stuff hurt but…better you learn it all now than keep repeating it and end up in a marriage making the same mistakes.

 

I'm going to check back in on you. I'm assuming you live in the US so, this weekend is a big celebration weekend...and it's going to suck being without her (or someone to share the good times with). Hang in there.