Frosty Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Hello, i have been in my marriage for 5 years now and during that time we have had sex only about once every month, this is because of a problem she had before our relationship even started. At first it was ok, because i/still do love her and figured that we could see some councillers, hypnotist etc, of which we have but to no avail. She just doesnt get horny no matter what i do. Last year i was tempted into having sex with another woman, of which i had great grief of doing, since then i have constantly thought of doing it again. Its killing me inside that i want to do this, and i can feel myself slipping again to temptation. I have talked with my wife about maybe me being able to see other women just for sexual purposes, but shes fully against it. What do i do i love my wife but iam going insane. Please help. Frosty Link to post Share on other sites
boricua361 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 i think its totally ok and normal for you to think this. but i also agree with your wife becuase if u truly love her then u will have to overcome alot of hard obstacles...and think of it this way how would you feel if your wife asked you the same questioin...if the problem was switched around. so just think it threw and think if having another woman for sexual purposes is worth jepordizing your marriage for and try to let yalls love over come it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 OP, you can love someone and be incompatible for a healthy intimate relationship. You have disparate sexual drives and appetites. Sex is an important part of a M. If I were considering infidelity purely out of sexual frustration, I'd expect that frustration to permeate other parts of the M, and I'd likely divorce. Sex is a fundamental human drive. I'd try MC first, with a possible referral to a sex therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frosty Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 Thank you boricua361 and carhill for your wise input. Your right my wife shouldnt have to put up with me being with other women to feed my sexual needs. We have been to about 5 MC and about 2 Sex therapists and 2 hypnotherapists all to no avail, she has even read louise hays books, which seemed to be of the most benefit, but there is just no sex drive there. It totally messes with her confidence, so i try not to push the subject too much on her as it probably makes it worse,she would love to be normal in that respect, but nothing seems to work and i think she now just pushes it to the back of her mind. So basically that only leaves divorsing the woman i love!! I sometimes wish i didnt have these urges so we could live happily ever after, but they are there and there only getting worse, i guess i have no other choice but to move on. Doing this will crush my wife and probably damage her confidence to no end. But there has to be a way and i am determinded to give it a year to find it, before i give up. Link to post Share on other sites
RavenHair Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Thank you boricua361 and carhill for your wise input. Your right my wife shouldnt have to put up with me being with other women to feed my sexual needs. We have been to about 5 MC and about 2 Sex therapists and 2 hypnotherapists all to no avail, she has even read louise hays books, which seemed to be of the most benefit, but there is just no sex drive there. It totally messes with her confidence, so i try not to push the subject too much on her as it probably makes it worse,she would love to be normal in that respect, but nothing seems to work and i think she now just pushes it to the back of her mind. So basically that only leaves divorsing the woman i love!! I sometimes wish i didnt have these urges so we could live happily ever after, but they are there and there only getting worse, i guess i have no other choice but to move on. Doing this will crush my wife and probably damage her confidence to no end. But there has to be a way and i am determinded to give it a year to find it, before i give up. Hi Frosty, It would be a bit helpful to know what happened to your wife to diminish her sex drive. Not to suggest that any of this has happened to your wife, but I know women who've been raped or had to have surgeries to remove things like tumors and fibroids from their reproductive organs. They felt dirty or if they had to have something removed, they felt less womanly which resulted in a loss of sex drive. I don't know what to really tell you considering that you've been to numerous couselors and such. Have you ever tried to really make love to her? Like setting a romantic scene and giving her a lot of foreplay? A lot of times, women need more to get going. Have you taken time to warm her up? Just curious. How's the rest of your relationship? The problem could also be an emotional one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frosty Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Hello RavinHair, thank you for enquiring. She did have problems before we met, she had always had problems with having virginal soreness when having sex and to top it off she had a ex boyfriend who did not care about it and would make her have sex (not rape she did let him) and was rough about it. When we first met i pushed her to see a doctor that wasnt in our small town and found out that see had bad case of thrush. After the thrush cleared up and she wasnt experiencing pain anymore, thank god but the mental aspect was still there and is there still today. We have tried many romantic nights, with mood lighting making her fully relaxed, plenty of foreplay and even porn movies. We do have sex during this but she just doesnt seem to get overly horny. I have even blamed myself telling her that maybe she needs to find someone else to satisfy her, but she doesnt want anything to do with that. Its frustrating for both of us, she believes she could easily never have sex again. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 We have tried many romantic nights, with mood lighting making her fully relaxed, plenty of foreplay and even porn movies. We do have sex during this but she just doesnt seem to get overly horny. I have even blamed myself telling her that maybe she needs to find someone else to satisfy her, but she doesnt want anything to do with that. Its frustrating for both of us, she believes she could easily never have sex again. That's lousy. Are you sure she is attracted to you? I don't just mean in the physical sense. My experience with women is that if your too easy to keep she wont be that attracted to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Frosty, Has it ever occured to you that maybe your wife has been pressured so much in her lifetime that she just lost interest? I know being satisfied is one thing, but you married this woman for reasons other than sex. The fact that you are considering cheating or having a 3rd partner is absurd, because you knew what you were getting into! It's not like these problems just started to appear, it has always been this way and if you had a problem with it, perhaps you should not have married her. I would also point out the fact, that by asking her to have another woman probably turned her off even more! Here's what I would do if I were you... I would stop pressuring her about all this sex and just live out your marriage. Show her there are other things besides sex and maybe she'll open up. Take her to romantic places, weekend travel, and vacation getaways! Hold her hand and take walks along the beach! Hell, make out with her! I'm telling you, if she feels she can finally let go and enjoy sex for what it is, pleasure, and not pressure. She'd be well on her way to becoming a fully fledged nympho. Link to post Share on other sites
theobserver Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 All of you are crazy. This guy is a saint. He's not evil for wanting to get some somewhere, but he realises it's bad so he spoke to his wife about it let's not grill him too much he hasn't cheated. He's in a frustrating situation. To all the guys reading this you know this is some serious bull****. Yes there are more important things then sex in a relationship and yes when he chose her to be his partner and wife there's obviously more then the actual sex that made him make that decision BUT DAMN! I think the problem here is as the majority of women never even get satisfied during sexual intercourse and get off from the emotional love more then men they can side with the wife and try to get the OP to just get over it. I can guarantee all the men reading this though know that we need to get some. If I was in this situation I was be severely depressed having to jack off all the time just to get by. Is she providing oral? Someone else mentioned here that it's possible she's just not attracted to you anymore possibly even repulsed but still "loves" you in all the other ways I knew a couple like that. Personally If I was in this situation I'm not really sure what I'd do. I picture if this was my partner she's my best friend and confident but the sexual intimacy is so important to us aswell without it. I wouldn't cheat on her and would probably eventually leave although I'm in my prime if I was elderly and pretty much unable to perform would not care as much. I just wouldn't want to waste my life this way if it's effecting me so much yet at the same time if she is dependent on me I wouldn't want to abandon her. Good Luck whatever you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 All of you are crazy. This guy is a saint. He's not evil for wanting to get some somewhere, but he realises it's bad so he spoke to his wife about it let's not grill him too much he hasn't cheated. He's in a frustrating situation. To all the guys reading this you know this is some serious bull****. Yes there are more important things then sex in a relationship and yes when he chose her to be his partner and wife there's obviously more then the actual sex that made him make that decision BUT DAMN! I think the problem here is as the majority of women never even get satisfied during sexual intercourse and get off from the emotional love more then men they can side with the wife and try to get the OP to just get over it. I can guarantee all the men reading this though know that we need to get some. If I was in this situation I was be severely depressed having to jack off all the time just to get by. Is she providing oral? Someone else mentioned here that it's possible she's just not attracted to you anymore possibly even repulsed but still "loves" you in all the other ways I knew a couple like that. Personally If I was in this situation I'm not really sure what I'd do. I picture if this was my partner she's my best friend and confident but the sexual intimacy is so important to us aswell without it. I wouldn't cheat on her and would probably eventually leave although I'm in my prime if I was elderly and pretty much unable to perform would not care as much. I just wouldn't want to waste my life this way if it's effecting me so much yet at the same time if she is dependent on me I wouldn't want to abandon her. Good Luck whatever you do. I'm a guy and I've taken the woman's side. Link to post Share on other sites
smoothrider Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Ugh I would leave this woman. I need sex as much as the next guy. I think she's being really unfair . She had a horrible ex who she let do pretty much anything to her sexually and now all these years she's been with you a good guy and she makes no effort. I realise there's some emotional scars here but she's not even trying and you seem to be going all out to get some. Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 There is hope for your current relationship only if your sex life was once mutually satisfactory in frequency and quality. But unfortunately it seems like you will have to choose between going separate ways and masturbating for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Refrain Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Frosty, dude! I know it is hard for a lot of people to understand but very often sex is just sex. And since you have a "condition" in your marriage, there should be some agreement between you two. She should try out some tantrick yoga and perhaps consider letting you "go" once in a blue. Being possessive does not pay off at the end. There are lots of sexual workshops around. Check these out with your wife. Talk about it more. I was very much like her and that caused my divorce. And now I have an amazing lover where we have sex at least once a day! I can tell you more about certain techniques that turn almost ANY woman on. there are books like THE BIG O and other orgasmic manuals for both men and women. Get her to read MY SECRET GARDEN. That should ease her up! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 All of you are crazy. This guy is a saint. He's not evil for wanting to get some somewhere, but he realises it's bad so he spoke to his wife about it let's not grill him too much he hasn't cheated. He's in a frustrating situation. To all the guys reading this you know this is some serious bull****. Correction - he did cheat. Re-read his first post. Now he is tempted to do it again. Second, they are having sex once a month. Obviously, that's not enough for him, but she isn't expecting him to never have sex again. Third, this woman has been to 5 MC's, 2 sex therapists, and 2 hypnotherapists. Clearly, she wants to try to fix their issues Fourth, she had these issues before marriage, he knew about them, and he married her anyway. So let's not paint her as the bad guy here. Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 hey so what about the oral? sorry if i missed it, i skimmed some. there are other ways to get off besides intercourse. as for "not being able to live another day with hot and heavy sex" .. you guys just tell yourself that. its been so built up for years and years that guys should be pardoned because they have such a high sex drive they can't control themselves. now THATS some bull**** Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Males have wildly disparate sexual appetites/drives, just like females do. There is no "standard". The important thing for a healthy R/M is that those appetites/drives compliment each other. IMO, there is no right and wrong here, only compatible and incompatible. If anyone made a "mistake", it was a shared one, as both partners knew of this incompatibility prior to M and still proceeded. My opinion would be to D and find more compatible relationships elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 As much as some seem to think that there are more important things in a relationship other than sex, truth is, sex is equally important or even more, and basically is what holds a relationship together and keep two people much closer. Most minor dissagreements and conflicts in a relationship get easily resolved after couples make love. I would advise you to move on and find a partner who is, among other things, sexually compatible with you. Neither one of you is a bad person, and it's so unfortunate this was overlooked at the beginning, and has now become such a big issue. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I had a long discussion about problems like this with a bunch of my girlfriends one night. A lot of them used to have this same problem. They all said that once they discovered a toy called "the bullet" this problem dissolved. You should try buying this toy for your wife and let her play with it on her own a few times. Then eventually try to start involving yourself in this play. These problems usually are from a woman not knowing how to please themselves. Once she figures out how to please herself the rest comes naturally Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I think the OP's W has seen a sex therapist, and I hope a competent one would've spent time on self-play and assist devices, like personal vibrators. I have a feeling the issues are elemental psychological ones and not easily or quickly solved. The testimony of an OP in 5 years of marriage underscores this work. Sometimes you just have to call the game on account of darkness Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I think the OP's W has seen a sex therapist, and I hope a competent one would've spent time on self-play and assist devices, like personal vibrators. I have a feeling the issues are elemental psychological ones and not easily or quickly solved. The testimony of an OP in 5 years of marriage underscores this work. Sometimes you just have to call the game on account of darkness I did read that part of his post, but one of my friends involved in this discussion had been to a sex therapist as well. She said it wasn't very helpful and really kind of awkward trying to fix such a personal and emotionally painful issue with the help of a stranger. It was a suggestion from a friend about this toy that in the end fixed her problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 She said it wasn't very helpful and really kind of awkward trying to fix such a personal and emotionally painful issue with the help of a stranger. Agree. If anything, this can increase nervousness on the individual being helped. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 It is interesting, as an extremely inexperienced sexual person (virgin until 35), I had no issues transitioning to sexual activity once I decided to. The key was I had no psychological issues (abuse, etc) in my background so felt sex was a normal and healthy behavior, even with that inexperience. I found, surprisingly, women who had been sexually active for decades still had phobias and inhibitions about sex, whereas I had/have none. I found that dynamic amazing, and actually heartening. The reason I focus on psychology is, atypically for a man, I have had no problem talking about very personal and emotional issues with our psychologist in MC. I just don't have any inhibitions in that way. Even when such presents as "weakness", I just throw it out there. IMO, that comes from my socialization as a child, having had a stable and supportive home environment with parents married lifelong. It just has to be that, now that I've seen a lifetime of variations on the nuture theme and its effect on people's psyche's. Anyway, it sounds like the OP and his W have tried and tried. I give them both credit for that. Sometimes, enough is enough. If I were the one causing my wife this pain, I'd surely let her go to find happiness and compatibility. It's just the human and loving thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
pentacle Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Umm, well you don't really say much abou the actual problem but you do seem to have sex occasionally. Is it by appointment or are you estimating? If you've had therapy what's the take on her giving you some kind of pleasure as a fun thing as part of love that is general rather than a lot of emphasis and pressure? Link to post Share on other sites
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