gummybear Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Things were great for 4 months, then I became unhappy and wanted more so I broke up with my then-bf him but then asked him back. Then one day I met another guy and went out with the guy a few times while lieing to my bf that I was out with friends but then I broke up with this guy after a few dates because I still want to be with my bf. 2 days later my bf pissed me off so I broke up with him again and told him that I lied and cheated on him 2 days ago. I later apologized but my bf didn't want anything to do with me after that. Then after 1.5 months we saw each other again and he told me he missed me and wanted us to just be together. I then realized how much I love my bf and how much he means to me. That lasted a month and then he told me that he can't get over what I did and that things will never be the same again, and he has trouble believing anything I say, so he broke up with me. I pleaded at first but then I saw that it was over and then I told him that I love him but I know what I did and that I can never expect him to forgive me and be with me. I don't deserve to expect anything from him. It has been 2 weeks since the breakup and 1 week without contact. Eventhough I feel heartbroken, everyone tells me that I am the only one to blame. My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair. But they told me to learn from my mistakes and move on. I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced something similar. Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Sounds like your friends are right. Live and learn from your bad choices. Link to post Share on other sites
notgoodatthis Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Things were great for 4 months, then I became unhappy and wanted more so I broke up with my then-bf him but then asked him back. Then one day I met another guy and went out with the guy a few times while lieing to my bf that I was out with friends but then I broke up with this guy after a few dates because I still want to be with my bf. 2 days later my bf pissed me off so I broke up with him again and told him that I lied and cheated on him 2 days ago. I later apologized but my bf didn't want anything to do with me after that. Then after 1.5 months we saw each other again and he told me he missed me and wanted us to just be together. I then realized how much I love my bf and how much he means to me. That lasted a month and then he told me that he can't get over what I did and that things will never be the same again, and he has trouble believing anything I say, so he broke up with me. I pleaded at first but then I saw that it was over and then I told him that I love him but I know what I did and that I can never expect him to forgive me and be with me. I don't deserve to expect anything from him. It has been 2 weeks since the breakup and 1 week without contact. Eventhough I feel heartbroken, everyone tells me that I am the only one to blame. My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair. But they told me to learn from my mistakes and move on. I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced something similar. Hi, I was recently on the other end of a situation like this. I was the one who was cheated on and it really hurt. I totally understand how he feels because it's almost identical to what happened to me. In short, I was with a girl and things seemed great for 2 months. She went on a cruise with her family, came home and dumped me for a guy she had sex with on the cruise. I was very heartbroken. Then a couple months later, she started coming back around saying how sorry she was and how much she misses me, etc. I was considering taking her back until she told me that she ended up catching herpes from her little adventure. That's the short of it. Anyway, once that trust is broken, it's impossible to get back to the way it was. Time and time again it shows that once someone cheats, they will do it again. Only the next time, they will not get caught. Once you establish in a relationship that you can get away with cheating or other things, you will never respect that person again. The feelings of guilt you are experiencing right now are just that. Not to be mean but it's your fault and you need to move on and learn from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Nope, I've never experienced the same situation because I've never cheated, been involved with anyone previously committed and will never cheat or be involved with anyone who's previously committed. Having said that, have you honestly learned something from this, beyond pain from getting caught, dumped, having a second chance, then being dumped again? Are you capable of empathizing with your b/f and the hurt he experienced? Do you understand what made you cheat? Do you truly understand what forms the basis of an exclusive, committed relationship? Are you selfish? Do you attempt to justify your cheating? If all these questions either can't or won't be answered and fixed, you'll cheat again when the chips are down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gummybear Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 I know that it's over, but say hypothetically that I want another chance. How should I proceed to win him back? I know deep in my heart that I will not hurt him again and that I do love him unconditionally. Even now at times I break down in tears at the thought of how I hurt him so badly. It's too late now I know, but just asking I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 See...if you talked to him like this, it's no wonder he couldn't stay. You say one thing and mean another. "Okay, I know you all need me to say that I respect his decision. Done. Now tell me how to get him back." Don't try to get him back. Try to work on the reasons for your behaviour (the deep reasons) and becoming a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gummybear Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 See...if you talked to him like this, it's no wonder he couldn't stay. You say one thing and mean another. "Okay, I know you all need me to say that I respect his decision. Done. Now tell me how to get him back." Don't try to get him back. Try to work on the reasons for your behaviour (the deep reasons) and becoming a better person. You are right. I already told him that I can't expect him to ever forgive me and want to be with me. I suppose all I can do now is maintain NC and move on. But his bday is in one week, should I call him to say happy bday or just stick to NC? I'm not sure what to do about that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Whatever you think would make him feel less bad. (Yes, there is no option that would make him feel good at this point.) If he would appreciate your caring or heartbroken by no notice, send a card. Don't make it long or emotional, just a happy birthday and your name. If he would get emotional over it or angry, don't send it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gummybear Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 Whatever you think would make him feel less bad. (Yes, there is no option that would make him feel good at this point.) If he would appreciate your caring or heartbroken by no notice, send a card. Don't make it long or emotional, just a happy birthday and your name. If he would get emotional over it or angry, don't send it. Right when he found out I cheated, he was pissed off like hell. But that was 3 months ago. The night he broke up with me, he was just matter of fact. He was not angry or bitter, he just told me that he can't get over the cheating and he doesn't want to be in a relationship where he's just reminded of the incident and where he cannot trust me. He is very mature, which is what makes me believe that our relationship is truly over. That night I cried telling him that it hurts to know I will never see him again, and he emphasized twice that things don't have to be this way and that we can still see each other as friends. He said he will leave it up to me. The week after the breakup we remained friendly but it was mainly for me to calm down and tell him I understand his reason for breaking up with me and to get closure. We last saw each other for closure about a week ago and when we parted he just said 'good seeing you again' while I said 'have a good nite'. Neither of us mentioned how things will proceed from then on or whether we will still keep in touch. Given this situation, do you think he'd appreciate a happy bday call? I don't know what I should do. Or perhaps, it doesn't even matter at this point. But then again, love is not black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I would not call. It would be too much. A card is better as it gives him the chance to deal with it on his own terms and time. You know him, I don't. How was he during your relationship? What do you, in your heart of hearts, suspect he will feel upon reading a greeting? Maybe send it a day later, and include that you didn't want to disturb him, but wanted to wish him a happy birthday either. Just remember: it's about him. Your feelings of guilt or loneliness have nothing to do with his birthday and shouldn't be alluded to at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gummybear Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 You know him, I don't. How was he during your relationship? When we first got back together for the first 2 weeks or so he was great and we were happy. It was like we were in love again after being apart for 2 months and loved being with each other. Then the last 2 weeks, he became a bit cold/distant, probably because he was reminded of how i betrayed him, then he broke up with me. What do you, in your heart of hearts, suspect he will feel upon reading a greeting?When I last saw him a week ago, he looked sad. He got a bit angry at me for pleading when he broke up with me because he said I did something wrong and these are my consequences. But that day, he was not mad. He seemed glad to see me, but also sad. In my hearts of hearts, I honestly believe that my bf still loves me and he is sad to let me go, but we both realize that it is the best for both of us. He can't live like this...always feeling insecure that I'd betray him again and always resenting me. He had to do what he had to do. I think when he reads my card, it will be like how he reacted when we last saw each other. He has told me a few times that he wishes things were different, that none of this happened. I think he might initially be happy to see my card, but then it will make him sad to know that things in fact are the way they are. That we are not meant to be with each other. I agree a card will be better than a phone call (thanks for the advice)...though I am still on the fence about this. Given the description above, if you were him what would you expect me to do? Maybe he doesn't even care to expect anything perhaps. I don't know anymore. In the back of my head I keep thinking that I shouldnt even be thinking bout this or of him at all and that I should move on. *sigh*. Link to post Share on other sites
vivrantflo Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Posted this in your other thread, but Im assuming you're not checking it anymore... Gummybear I feel for you. I know exactly how you feel, for I was in your shoes almost two years ago [COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110697/[/COLOR] There is the link to my original post if you'd like to check it out. Nevermind pretty much nailed it on the head.. "Pleading is not good enough. Grow and be a better person. If he sees you can change, he might give you another chance." After my breakup with my ex, I pleaded, cried, begged this woman for another chance.. and it was all in vain. She met some other dude in a club two weeks later and started dating him.. her and I were together 3.5 years. After I realized that she owed me nothing at all.. it forced me to look in the mirror and find out what the hell was wrong with me! Why did I take a dump on a 3.5 year relationship, just to go on a break, and then break my woman's heart?? Over the year and a half, I talked to a lot of friends, family, church family, to help decipher what the deal was... and now I see things in a complete different light. The changes I made took more than a year to come into effect. Now your question is "How do I win him back?" That was the same question I asked... and Im going to have to give you the same answer that I got.... you can't. All you can do is let him know that you do love him, answer any and all questions he may have, and then leave him alone. He has to make the decision to come back and give you another shot. There's nothing you can say, or do to persuade him, or help change his mind. And if he does, it won't be for a while. The breakup between my ex and myself was in Nov '06.. I begged and waited around for 5 months and she wouldn't budge... After that, I went NC, then NFC..and only recently... 3 weeks ago, she said that she still loves me, and wants me back, but she needs time...she claims she's mostly over what I did, but she's still not 100% over it. And this all happend more than a year and a half ago. Try not to count on a second chance.. all you can do is learn from this.. cause the lesson you'll learn will be soooo valuable for your next relationship! You'll put your next partner on such a higher regard, you'll never make that choice to cheat again. It's hard to get support from people on this board, cause a lot of people on here were victims of what we've done. But over time, I've been told that I give great advice on here, cause I've honestly changed my viewpoint on relationships, and how people deserve to be treated. Most people are shocked to read my original story cause it doesn't correlate as to how I am now!! lol But it's proof that changes can be made, and we can learn from our mistakes! Keep your head up.. and strive to deal with your issues.. not just to impress him, or win him back... but for yourself... cause this experience can end up making you a much much better person and lover in the long run! Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gummybear Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Wow vivrantflo, I read a bit on your story and I have to say you are very devoted to your girl! For me, I was initially very very devastated when my ex broke up with me nearly 3 weeks ago. But really, I thought about things and I do realize that we just aren't meant to be together. It seems that for you and your girl that perhaps love finds its way back! If so, congrats! I think she sees your devotion and truly loves you and wants it to work out. I honestly do love my ex very much, but I can tell also that he wants to move on from me. So after alot of thought, I've decided that I will just do NC from now on, maybe months later we can be on a speaking basis again. I don't think I can ever be friends with him and hang out with him again, but more like just a how are you email or phonecall every once in awhile. I probably won't allow myself to have contact with him again until I myself have moved on and maybe even find someone else. As long as we know we tried our best, we will have no regrets. I truly believe things happen for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
notgoodatthis Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I know that it's over, but say hypothetically that I want another chance. How should I proceed to win him back? I know deep in my heart that I will not hurt him again and that I do love him unconditionally. Even now at times I break down in tears at the thought of how I hurt him so badly. It's too late now I know, but just asking I suppose. Please, move on. I don't want to sound mean but you do not deserve another chance. You need to respect him and not put him through anymore emotional termoil. He will never trust you. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Things were great for 4 months, then I became unhappy and wanted more so I broke up with my then-bf him but then asked him back. Then one day I met another guy and went out with the guy a few times while lieing to my bf that I was out with friends but then I broke up with this guy after a few dates because I still want to be with my bf. 2 days later my bf pissed me off so I broke up with him again and told him that I lied and cheated on him 2 days ago. I later apologized but my bf didn't want anything to do with me after that. Then after 1.5 months we saw each other again and he told me he missed me and wanted us to just be together. I then realized how much I love my bf and how much he means to me. That lasted a month and then he told me that he can't get over what I did and that things will never be the same again, and he has trouble believing anything I say, so he broke up with me. I pleaded at first but then I saw that it was over and then I told him that I love him but I know what I did and that I can never expect him to forgive me and be with me. I don't deserve to expect anything from him. It has been 2 weeks since the breakup and 1 week without contact. Eventhough I feel heartbroken, everyone tells me that I am the only one to blame. My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair. But they told me to learn from my mistakes and move on. I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced something similar. Haven't you done enough to this poor guy? As if cheating wasn't bad enough, you threw it in his face after an argument!!! Why don't you just leave him alone? Your friends are right, you are the only one to blame. Link to post Share on other sites
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