Improving relationship with adult son

[dad44]

In 2003 I had a mortgage business. My son (I'll call him S) was the only employee and he was on commission only. In late 2003 my wife joined the business and one of her duties was quality control. She audited the files on the loans that we had closed and noticed that several documents were missing that we were supposed to get signed by the borrowers.

 

She said that we needed to get S to go back to the borrowers and get the documents signed. She made a list of the missing documents and said that she wanted them by the end of the year. I said, let's tell S that we need them by the 15th of December, that way if he runs a little late we'll still have them by the end of the year. She said 'Let's make it the 10th'. I agreed.

 

On the morning of December 10th, W came into the office and said 'Where are the documents?'. I went into the adjoining office where S worked and asked him, and he said that he had most of the signed but that he had left them at home. I told W and she blew a fuse. She said that he'd had a month to get the documents and that he knew the deadline was the 10th. I pointed out that the 10th was an arbitrary deadline and that originally she wanted by the end of the month.

 

She kept getting more and more upset and finally she said in a loud enough voice so that my son who is in the next office could hear "I can't stand having S around anymore. He's lazy, he's a liar, he doesn't return phone calls, etc." Then she said "I don't even want them coming over for Christmas". She said not getting the documents when she asked for them was insubordination and that he should be fired. I told her that I didn't realize that the 10th was a drop dead deadline and I didn't think he did either.

 

Obviously my son was very upset. I told him that she didn't mean it, that she was just venting, and that she would calm down. I refused to fire him and said that I couldn't fire anyone, let alone my son, 15 days before Christmas. I caved in and told here that I would fire him in January.

 

She didn't calm down until January, then she sent me an email that said 'In a few weeks I will be OK. It will appear that you've got your old wife back. I will pretend that everything is OK, but deep down things will never be the same.'

 

After she calmed down I told her that I thought it was inappropriate for her to say those things knowing that he could hear them. She said she agreed, and that she would apologize to him. She never did.

 

Now it's 4 1/2 years later and she just can't understand why S and his family don't want to come over to our house and why they don't invite us over. I have told her several times that a big part of it is because of what happened in 2003, but she doesn't believe me. She said people shouldn't hold grudges that long and that she had tried hard to have a good relationship with S and his wife.

 

My questions: 1. Was she right in wanting him fired 15 days before Christmas? 2. What kind of person would insist that her husband fire his son 15 days before Christmas over something as trivial as not getting the documents signed by an arbitrary deadline? 3. Is it normal to hold a grudge that long over something like this? 4. What can I do to resolve the situation and improve my relationship with my son?

 

Thanks.

[dad44]

I forgot to mention that my son's mother died in 1988 from cancer and I remarried in 2001.

[tinktronik]

It would appear that your W has "power" issues and feels the need to be held above your "prior" family,i.e. she made sure that your son knew who was running the show, her . You married a bad one, sorry , but true. She does not want to fit into your family, she wants to be your family exclusively.

 

Anyone could understand why your son would not want to be around her. She's playing dumb if she claims not to know why or that her wounding him was only superficial . She came into your business , and your sons business and got rid of him in a very painful way. You catered to it. Her moaning and complaining about your son not wanting to be around for x-mas , is just another way to make your son look bad.

[Gatormaniac]

Boy oh boy, you've got a mess on your hands. First I want to tell you my story since I'm on the same side of the fence you're wife is on. I hired my 23 year old step-daughter a bit over a year ago in the real estate business my ex ( She wasn't my ex when daughter was hired ) and I co-own. I so regret doing this now. The first few months went well and then SD started getting very lazy, began coming in late to work, and showed no motivation or initiative what so ever. I made two things clear to her before she made her decision to work there. 1) She was told in no uncertain terms that we wanted her to learn the business and eventually take over it's operation, otherwise, we were going to hire someone to groom to manage the business. She was excited for the opportunity ( she's very intelligent but barely made it through HS, and quit college after one year ) and agreed. 2) She would not get preferential treatment but would be expected to show more initiative than the " average " employee. She agreed wholeheartedly. This is a small business that specializes in managing rental property. Her hiring did not displace anyone and, in fact, she was filling a position opened after an employee resigned to take care of her ill mother. The position requires a real estate license to perform many aspects of the position. It's been a year and after the company paid for her schooling ( which we do for everyone ) she failed the test. She procrastinated for months before finally starting her schooling, and because it was on-line, the schooling itself dragged on for months as well. Now, she is once again procrastinating and has been extremely lax about her work load. Her mother is now enabling and defending her performance and is doing a horrible job training her ( obviously ). I've had several conversations with the ex and with SD and things get better for a few weeks then digress. If it were an " average " employee, she would be fired, but I can see the writing on the wall here. I'm going to have to be the heavy in all this, and will end up being ignored and vilified as the bad guy because her mother is willing to risk the business to avoid any confrontation. First and last time I ever hire family or friends!

 

Firstly, your wife obviously over reacted, especially with the name calling. But, I have to wonder how frustrated she may have been with both of you. I mean, c'mon, you have to create a false deadline 20 days prior so that he gets critical documents signed in time? Then he says " some of them " are signed, but not all? How does that happen? Sorry, if that isn't enabling, I don't know what is. I agree with your wife on the 10th as a deadline. He missed the deadline so now what do you tell him, it's OK it's really the 20th ( another lie )? If I'm off base here, then go ahead and correct me. Your wife should have apologized, no doubt about it. If you enabled this situation than you share a lot of blame in this, maybe even the lions share. Again, feel free to verbally smack me upside the head if I'm wrong here. You want to get things back in order? Four words...step up to the plate.

[GPFan]

1. Was she right in wanting him fired 15 days before Christmas?

What do you think? Would you have been comfortable treating any employee in that manner? When you were an employee yourself would you have been comfortable with an employer that treated either you or another employee in this way?

 

 

 

2. What kind of person would insist that her husband fire his son 15 days before Christmas over something as trivial as not getting the documents signed by an arbitrary deadline?

Obviously she wasn't comfortable having him around. I won't minimise the fact that he missed his deadline, he should have had at least a warning for that but he was treated in a manner that was draconian by anyone's standards.

 

 

 

3. Is it normal to hold a grudge that long over something like this?

Well, his Mother is dead and you two made no bones about his personal value to you. I, too, would have made myself scarce after such treatment. This wasn't a little tiff, he was fired from a job.

 

 

 

4. What can I do to resolve the situation and improve my relationship with my son?

If I were you, I would approach him on my own without the wife. She seems quite comfortable with the current situation so I would leave her out of it. I would apologise for my own actions, express my regret over lost time and request to spend time with him without her. I would then vow to myself to never let anyone else come between me and my son.

[suzyq83]

In 2003 I had a mortgage business. My son (I'll call him S) was the only employee and he was on commission only. In late 2003 my wife joined the business and one of her duties was quality control. She audited the files on the loans that we had closed and noticed that several documents were missing that we were supposed to get signed by the borrowers.

 

She said that we needed to get S to go back to the borrowers and get the documents signed. She made a list of the missing documents and said that she wanted them by the end of the year. I said, let's tell S that we need them by the 15th of December, that way if he runs a little late we'll still have them by the end of the year. She said 'Let's make it the 10th'. I agreed.

 

On the morning of December 10th, W came into the office and said 'Where are the documents?'. I went into the adjoining office where S worked and asked him, and he said that he had most of the signed but that he had left them at home. I told W and she blew a fuse. She said that he'd had a month to get the documents and that he knew the deadline was the 10th. I pointed out that the 10th was an arbitrary deadline and that originally she wanted by the end of the month.

 

She kept getting more and more upset and finally she said in a loud enough voice so that my son who is in the next office could hear "I can't stand having S around anymore. He's lazy, he's a liar, he doesn't return phone calls, etc." Then she said "I don't even want them coming over for Christmas". She said not getting the documents when she asked for them was insubordination and that he should be fired. I told her that I didn't realize that the 10th was a drop dead deadline and I didn't think he did either.

 

Obviously my son was very upset. I told him that she didn't mean it, that she was just venting, and that she would calm down. I refused to fire him and said that I couldn't fire anyone, let alone my son, 15 days before Christmas. I caved in and told here that I would fire him in January.

 

She didn't calm down until January, then she sent me an email that said 'In a few weeks I will be OK. It will appear that you've got your old wife back. I will pretend that everything is OK, but deep down things will never be the same.'

 

After she calmed down I told her that I thought it was inappropriate for her to say those things knowing that he could hear them. She said she agreed, and that she would apologize to him. She never did.

 

Now it's 4 1/2 years later and she just can't understand why S and his family don't want to come over to our house and why they don't invite us over. I have told her several times that a big part of it is because of what happened in 2003, but she doesn't believe me. She said people shouldn't hold grudges that long and that she had tried hard to have a good relationship with S and his wife.

 

My questions: 1. Was she right in wanting him fired 15 days before Christmas? 2. What kind of person would insist that her husband fire his son 15 days before Christmas over something as trivial as not getting the documents signed by an arbitrary deadline? 3. Is it normal to hold a grudge that long over something like this? 4. What can I do to resolve the situation and improve my relationship with my son?

 

Thanks.

 

Your son is YOUR son, you cannot let your marriage detroy your bond with your boy. You should put your foot down with your wife, and tell her you are going to go see him, and have him come over and if she doesn't like his visiting, she can go out for the day. But make room in your home for your son and his family. Tell your wife that her way of viewing things is not helping anybody. It is only serving to sever and harm family. None of us want to get old and not have tried more and have regrets. If she won't get over it, ask her to go to a counselor with you to communicate about it and work through it. It sure cannot hurt anything. But your son, is your son. Stand up for your right to have happiness with him, that you and your son deserve and both honestly would like to have. God Bless,

[whichwayisup]

If your wife wants things to change, she HAS to apologize to your son and make the effort first. HE is hurt, pissed off and probably doesn't like her much. She isn't his mom and he more than likely doesn't think of her as his stepmom. She said ALOT of mean and hurtful things back in 2003 - Now is the time for her to own up to it and fix this.

 

But, what you can do is start bonding with him one on one, without her. Rebuild things and sort it out. I'm sure he has some anger and pain directed at you because you listened to her.