My name is Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I'm taking another chance with the Giant Douche who looks like Kung Fu Panda.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Someday maybe the butterflies will calm down enough so that I'm not running to the toilet every twenty minutes!

[frd150]

Someday maybe the butterflies will calm down enough so that I'm not running to the toilet every twenty minutes!

 

 

Hey Carrot,

 

What are you so affraid of?

[TrustInYourself]

Carrot, rip him a new one. Hah, good luck. Call me if you want some more butterflies.

[Enema]

Second chances are for suckers.

[TrustInYourself]

Get your ass back to Candy mountain, charlie.

[carrotgirl]

Hey Carrot,

 

What are you so affraid of?

Oh, words spelled with a Q and no U, squirt guns, bad hair days.... the list is ever so long.

 

I think the butterflies are girlish excitement in overdrive. When GD and I were first dating they lasted a few months until they were replaced with plain, old, delight-filled anticipation.

 

This week I've been putting so much effort into letting annoying things roll off that I have no emotional damper in place for the good stuff. We have a date later and inside I'm all wheeeee!

 

It's a good question and when I consider carefully it reminds me that it's going to be healthy for me to remember that I can be passionate and involved this evening while still having some caution of my mouth!

 

You also reminded me that there is nothing to be afraid of. My best friend usually does that, reminds me there's no need to worry, that we're where we want to be and to have a good time.

 

I'm going to work out before we get together later. At very least, it'll give me the hi-pro glow. And an excuse to shower and change without seeming like I'm pressuring the man for sex. And that is the extent of my plotting and planning.

 

Wish luck? You can never have too much of that!

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Get your ass back to Candy mountain, charlie.

HA HA HA HA HA! The liopleuridon is gonna show us the way....

 

Brilliant Trust!

 

Carrot

[TrustInYourself]

Good luck, enjoy yourself.

[critter909]

Good luck! Have fun!

[carrotgirl]

I'm home. I didn't have fun. On my way to GD's I got hit by a car. I'm okay and while I'm sure I'll have a hell of a Frankenstein face tomorrow among some other scrapes and hurts, I'm just tumbled and okay.

 

GD was rather unimpressed by my rapid heart. I think he's inured to the Carrot's frequent and bizarre proofs of indestructibility. Yah. That must be it.

 

We argued tonight. He was lovely. He gave me a very long, gentle massage to make me feel better, he made me salad so I wouldn't be hungry. He was lovely right up until I went to kiss him goodnight as I was leaving.

 

He jerked away like my lips were poisoned. Same GD. Same old, tired shhit. Different Carrot.

 

I jerked his chin down, a bit hard, and gave him a pasteurized peck. Two tears ran down and made big splats on his shirt. I said that was really shhitty. GD said, No, it wasn't. I said, Yah, I reached to give you a kiss goodnight and you freaked like I was poisoned. It was mean. He said, It wasn't mean. I just didn't feel like kissing just then. You're the one who freaked. I was actually very even and calm. Hell! I'd already been hit by a car tonight! I said, I think you've seen me freak enough to know that I'm not freaking.

 

Yah. He said, Yah. And since I wasn't freaking he sat. I didn't budge. I didn't storm off, I sat back down too. I said, what just happened was extreme. You hurt my feelings and made me feel very uncared for. Which we both knew was the opposite of what he'd been trying to do. I said you can do something nice to make it up or you can watch me walk out the door thinking you're a giant prick.

 

And maybe he can be taught to do better. I don't know. But I'm not teaching him. GD didn't get any tips or chances beyond that point in time. He had to grown the fucck up and decide what was more important tonight, his fragile ego, or mine. He met me more than part way. He apologized. We made it up. There was much holding and caressing and talking. There was NO kissing. He walked me home and we had a nice hug goodnight.

 

I'm achy and tired and beginning to hurt.

Carrot

[Enema]

Glad you're ok Carrot.

 

He's a strange one.

 

You're stranger.

[sunshinegirl]

Carrot, I have a very hard time reading your threads.

 

You are ALL OVER THE MAP, often in the same day, sometimes in the same sentence.

 

Your relationship makes no sense to me. I am tired just reading of the four thousand ups and downs you experience every time you're with him. And when you're not with him. The whole thing is completely unstable.

 

I have no qualms saying you have a ****ty relationship...and really, nothing is going to convince me otherwise. I say it with fondness, because you seem like a cool, smart person. But good relationships are not this much work and emotional angst. Period.

 

I also don't understand why you don't get more "tough love" messages from other posters who know you better. Who actually thinks this is a good situation for Carrot?

[kizik]

I agree with Sun. At a certain point it's like dealing with Y. A lot of emotion and very little logic...

 

Beginning to wonder if Carrot is bipolar. Anyway, I've still got love, there are just certain posters who seem so unstable and confused that I don't ever bother commenting.

[carrotgirl]

Carrot, I have a very hard time reading your threads.

 

You are ALL OVER THE MAP, often in the same day, sometimes in the same sentence.

 

Your relationship makes no sense to me. I am tired just reading of the four thousand ups and downs you experience every time you're with him. And when you're not with him. The whole thing is completely unstable.

 

I have no qualms saying you have a ****ty relationship...and really, nothing is going to convince me otherwise. I say it with fondness, because you seem like a cool, smart person. But good relationships are not this much work and emotional angst. Period.

 

I also don't understand why you don't get more "tough love" messages from other posters who know you better. Who actually thinks this is a good situation for Carrot?

I understand Sunshine and in very good tone and humor remind you that you don't have to read.

 

My ups and down and ins and outs aren't posted for amusement purposes, though, okay, they can be pretty laughable. I know what I live with and don't. I am aware for instance, that in the grand scheme of what's little shhit and what's big shhit, this is mouse turds.

 

GD did do a good job overcoming whatever his personal freak was. I did a good job staying as detached as I did. Perfectly perfect would have been nice but since that didn't happen, dealing and overcoming with minimal hardship is good progress. We both had to do differently and we did.

 

I say gently, with no intended offense, but firmly, regardless of how good the advice and comments are, at the end of the day, when I ask myself, Carrot? Did you do the best you could have done? The only voice that matters happens to be the only voice that answers. My voice.

 

Then the next questions I ask myself are, Carrot? Is there anything more you could have done? Is there anything you would/could/should do better or differently? And those are the questions I can stop and consider with you. And the person ultimately responsible for my life is still me.

 

And since so many of us are here because our relationships didn't work out, I submit for consideration, that maybe good relationships are this much effort and long practice is only what makes the effort seem effortless?

 

Carrot

[frd150]

Oh, words spelled with a Q and no U, squirt guns, bad hair days.... the list is ever so long.

 

I think the butterflies are girlish excitement in overdrive. When GD and I were first dating they lasted a few months until they were replaced with plain, old, delight-filled anticipation.

 

This week I've been putting so much effort into letting annoying things roll off that I have no emotional damper in place for the good stuff. We have a date later and inside I'm all wheeeee!

 

It's a good question and when I consider carefully it reminds me that it's going to be healthy for me to remember that I can be passionate and involved this evening while still having some caution of my mouth!

 

You also reminded me that there is nothing to be afraid of. My best friend usually does that, reminds me there's no need to worry, that we're where we want to be and to have a good time.

 

I'm going to work out before we get together later. At very least, it'll give me the hi-pro glow. And an excuse to shower and change without seeming like I'm pressuring the man for sex. And that is the extent of my plotting and planning.

 

Wish luck? You can never have too much of that!

Carrot

 

 

Oh Carrot,

 

 

Sorry you got hit but glad your ok and Im also sorry he was not more receptive.You must remember that your efforts must come with some reward or its not worth the effort at all . There is nothing to worry about if your ok with whatever the outcome.

 

Temper the excitement so as not to seem overly anxious but at the same time make your intentions known,clearly known.

 

Lots of luck.

[carrotgirl]

Glad you're ok Carrot.

 

He's a strange one.

 

You're stranger.

In reverse order, I think you're right.

 

He is.

 

{{{{Thanks}}}

 

 

I'm very fortunate. And at this moment as I pause to chew, I'm especially grateful I walked away with my teeth!

 

Carrot

[Touche]

I understand Sunshine and in very good tone and humor remind you that you don't have to read.

 

My ups and down and ins and outs aren't posted for amusement purposes, though, okay, they can be pretty laughable. I know what I live with and don't. I am aware for instance, that in the grand scheme of what's little shhit and what's big shhit, this is mouse turds.

 

GD did do a good job overcoming whatever his personal freak was. I did a good job staying as detached as I did. Perfectly perfect would have been nice but since that didn't happen, dealing and overcoming with minimal hardship is good progress. We both had to do differently and we did.

 

I say gently, with no intended offense, but firmly, regardless of how good the advice and comments are, at the end of the day, when I ask myself, Carrot? Did you do the best you could have done? The only voice that matters happens to be the only voice that answers. My voice.

 

Then the next questions I ask myself are, Carrot? Is there anything more you could have done? Is there anything you would/could/should do better or differently? And those are the questions I can stop and consider with you. And the person ultimately responsible for my life is still me.

 

And since so many of us are here because our relationships didn't work out, I submit for consideration, that maybe good relationships are this much effort and long practice is only what makes the effort seem effortless?

 

Carrot

 

Wow, what a crock Carrot! Too much effort. Too little return.

 

I think you're unique and great. I do. (And my lil sis loves you!) But you got to get it together sistah.

 

This has nowhere to go but down. Been there, done that. Sucks.

 

why do you keep making excuses for him?

[carrotgirl]

Oh Carrot,

 

 

Sorry you got hit but glad your ok and Im also sorry he was not more receptive.You must remember that your efforts must come with some reward or its not worth the effort at all . There is nothing to worry about if your ok with whatever the outcome.

 

Temper the excitement so as not to seem overly anxious but at the same time make your intentions known,clearly known.

 

Lots of luck.

See? That luck came in handy!

 

Thanks frd, I think I'm safe from danger of losing myself.

 

For all I know, my breath could have been noxious and rather than hurt my feelings by telling me that, he did his freaky pull back, which hurt my feelings. Lots of things are possible.

 

The man did spend a few hours rubbing me down and feeding me. If it were you, wouldn't you want some appreciation for the good things you did and not only get stuck with the negative feelings from a jerky thing you did?

 

I'm very proud of myself in that I was clear about where I stood and where he stood with me. And my reward is that I feel like I took a baby step forward in my evolution as a person.

 

GD apologized for hurting my feelings. And he spent new "end of the night" time to cleanse the badness. He made an effort. I think he saw that I made an effort too.

 

Yah!

Carrot

[Touche]

Total bull. I've been there, done that. He's high maintenance like my ex. And no offense, but you're high maintenance with him...I know.

 

You'll get what I mean some day.

 

Stay with him and you'll both be constantly apologizing and making up all the time.

 

It's fun for awhile...but it gets old real quick.

[carrotgirl]

Wow, what a crock Carrot! Too much effort. Too little return.

 

I think you're unique and great. I do. (And my lil sis loves you!) But you got to get it together sistah.

 

This has nowhere to go but down. Been there, done that. Sucks.

 

why do you keep making excuses for him?

Touche, it could be a crock. It could be that I'll be back saying, Boy was I ever BSing myself. It could.

 

Yah. I realize what I think of as seeking balance and fairness comes across as excuse-making.

 

I just think hey, if the situation had been reversed, it had been me cuddling a bruised GD, feeding GD a supper that only he eats and it had been me giving GD a very good massage just to make him feel better after getting tumbled (since there was no way there was going to be anything remotely sexy tonight). If it had then been me who pulled back, I would want, more likely demand, some consideration of MY boundaries and personhood.

 

And about the effort, whether or not it's not enough return from GD, there are things about me that are going to have to change if I'm ever going to make anything work with anyone. I don't see the changes I'm trying to commit to as being GD-specific. If he isn't going to benefit from my growth okay, but at least I WILL benefit!

 

Touche? I would really like to not be in the romance gutter later. I don't think I have to make all of the same mistakes others have already made to get a grip. I just have to be able to live with myself. If this is doomed, I want to know for myself that I gave what I had to give, and I chose what I could for myself instead of letting others choose for me. This is my way of ensuring no regrets.

 

Here's a thought that just popped so I'm running with it. Maybe some of that search for justice and relationship mending comes from having had so much loss in my life, the death kind of loss that can't be overcome with hopes or apologies or good intentions. I know and don't just think that a lot of what got me through (and still does sometimes) is knowing that in the face of tragedy again and again, some of us kids made difficult choices so that the dying and the living could be at peace.

 

When I'm at a complete loss for what to do, I sometimes phrase the question to myself in the ultimates of absolutes. If I knew I would die tonight am I ready for death? Is my heart clean? Is my soul clean? Do I leave a legacy of hurt behind me that I have an opportunity to heal? Is this how I want my last day to be?

 

Sometimes I ask, If I knew GD (or any friend) would die tonight, have I truly made peace with the good and bad or will I spend the rest of my days haunted, wishing I'd done better? Done more? Will I spend his last day alive being contentious and self-serving? Will I spend his last day alive being falsely sweet?

 

It's sure not all the Theory of Relativity is it?

Carrot

[TrustInYourself]

Tell me more about the rub downs.

[carrotgirl]

Total bull. I've been there, done that. He's high maintenance like my ex. And no offense, but you're high maintenance with him...I know.

 

You'll get what I mean some day.

 

Stay with him and you'll both be constantly apologizing and making up all the time.

 

It's fun for awhile...but it gets old real quick.

No offense taken. We are not easy people. We don't exactly seek to be easy either. Remembering we're probably easiest with each other out of anyone and easily hardest on ourselves over anyone sometimes helps us balance a little.

 

And for two people who don't care very much for apologies and care not at all for the sorts of childish apologies where the apology is a masked request to shut the fucck up or leave me the fucck alone, or worse, a manipulation to get something the other person doesn't want to give or even shouldn't give, saying sorry and making up is not sporting fun. It is deliberate and meaningful but yah, not always enough.

 

That said, I deserved to get the apology I got dammit! He deserved to be appreciated for not staying a prick. I'm satisfied.

 

Yah. I really don't want to know it's going to go the same way as yours, but if indeed that hole is where I fall, I'm not going to turn away your damn fine guidance out!

 

Let's see what comes.

[Touche]

When it's right there aren't all the questions.

 

As for this:

 

Remembering we're probably easiest with each other out of anyone and easily hardest on ourselves over anyone sometimes helps us balance a little.

 

 

I know. I used to thing that way too. Where's the balance there?

 

He "deserves to be appeciated for not staying a prick?" wow. Okie, dokie.

 

Have you ever considered raising your expectations just a tad?

 

How about he "deserves to be appreciated for NEVER being a prick?"

[TrustInYourself]

When it's right there aren't all the questions.

 

As for this:

 

 

 

I know. I used to thing that way too. Where's the balance there?

 

He "deserves to be appeciated for not staying a prick?" wow. Okie, dokie.

 

Have you ever considered raising your expectations just a tad?

 

How about he "deserves to be appreciated for NEVER being a prick?"

 

Tell me more about the rubdowns.