My name is Carrot

[carrotgirl]

When it's right there aren't all the questions.

 

As for this:

 

I know. I used to thing that way too. Where's the balance there?

 

He "deserves to be appeciated for not staying a prick?" wow. Okie, dokie.

 

Have you ever considered raising your expectations just a tad?

 

How about he "deserves to be appreciated for NEVER being a prick?"

If lack of questions typifies rightness in a relationship I'm never going to be there.

 

The extra bit of balance comes from knowing where we stand with ourselves and each other.

 

Yes, people deserve appreciation, perhaps a better vocab choice is acknowledgment, for overcoming/mending crap behavior. GD and I had that discussion after he apologized. He genuinely felt like shhit for hurting me and wasn't sure it was fair for me to thank him for the apology. We agreed it was simply appreciation for dealing with a situation that could have gotten worse and instead it didn't. We moved on.

 

No, I don't often consider raising my expectations of other people. Sometimes I consider tossing them all together.

 

I like GD for the person he is overall. He is never going to be Saint Giant Douche.

 

Carrot

[sunshinegirl]

I understand Sunshine and in very good tone and humor remind you that you don't have to read.

 

Fair enough. By the way, I'm glad you are okay after being hit yesterday! Yikes.

 

And since so many of us are here because our relationships didn't work out, I submit for consideration, that maybe good relationships are this much effort and long practice is only what makes the effort seem effortless?

 

"This much effort?" No. No. A thousand times no.

 

Things are this nutty and it's only the two of you right now - this ought to be the easiest, happiest time in your lives together but he treats you like crap and you accept it, and YOU CALL HIM A GIANT DOUCHE. That is not a pet name that signals contentment, safety, comfort, or love.

 

What happens when kids, in-laws, sickness, and crises strike? You're not stable together when nothing in particular is going on. The two of you will not weather real difficulty at all. I guarantee it.

 

Out of curiosity, how many relationships have you had? What were your previous relationships like? You remind me of me in my first serious relationship, where I was saying many of the things you are. It turned out I simply had no perspective. I didn't know things COULD be easy and 'effortless' between two people; further, I assumed love conquered all and that relationships do require work. Thing is, good relationships don't require THIS kind of work.

 

Just because the two of you seem to stay in this crazy push-pull relationship does not mean it's healthy. It means the two of you get some kind of payoff from it despite the many many downsides.

 

I wish you the best, I really do.

[Trialbyfire]

I think you're unique and great. I do. (And my lil sis loves you!)

Haha...carrot is def. unique! She's all out there and has a fierce loyalty and passion for GD, as well as having this quirky sense of humour which is quite charming.

 

As for carrot's relationship with GD, it's a hella lot of work. She knows what I think of GD, where his nickname is apt!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your accident carrot. Hope you still feel okay today.

[carrotgirl]

Haha...carrot is def. unique! She's all out there and has a fierce loyalty and passion for GD, as well as having this quirky sense of humour which is quite charming.

 

As for carrot's relationship with GD, it's a hella lot of work. She knows what I think of GD, where his nickname is apt!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your accident carrot. Hope you still feel okay today.

:love:Touche:love: :love:TrialByFire:love:

 

I'm okay and only somewhat slow moving today.

[Touche]

If lack of questions typifies rightness in a relationship I'm never going to be there

 

No, it's more a matter of what type of questions you're asking.

 

I agreed with everything that Sunshine said.

 

And to you too. Glad you're ok.

[carrotgirl]

I agreed with everything that Sunshine said.

You're both allowed to have your opinions.

I wholeheartedly agree with Sunshine's last points about what's healthy and have said as much myself.

 

Regarding what's easy. I have been in easy, effortless relationships before. They also did not work out in the end. Largely because they all, and I mean ALL, cheated. This is far from my first committed relationship. Interestingly, GD has the distinction of being the only man I've been serious (not to mention dated ever) with who has never cheated. Not while we were officially a couple or since last year's break when we've been on again off again.

 

He also has the distinction of being the only man I've been with who genuinely understands me and still likes what he sees. The thin veil of male-female relationship mystery is non-existent for us. It probably is a good thing for me since I'm forced to own even more of my own shhit. He's on his own ownership mission going at GD pace. There is much to admire alongside the stinky.

 

And the Giant Douche (GD) epithet was born of another LSer back when and at the time made me laugh SO MUCH I enjoyed saying it. It has no bearing on how I think of the man. Waffle Boy (WB) is less in your face but it didn't really stick (I'm sorry Tri, I resurrect it every now and then just in case). I'm not quite ready to out either of us by name. Perhaps one of you can come up with another name that sparks less ire.

 

Carrot

[sedgwick]

First of all, I'm so glad you're okay, thank god!

 

Secondly, I'm getting whiplash from this relationship. I don't think it's healthy. It's way too up and down. The drama is exciting and it makes the sexual connection really intense, but it doesn't make for a good relationship with any stability.

 

I think the very best thing you could do is cut him loose for a period of time and both of you could do some thinking about what it is you really want.

[sb129]

GD has the distinction of being the only man I've been serious (not to mention dated ever) with who has never cheated. Not while we were officially a couple or since last year's break when we've been on again off again.

 

Not really enough of a reason to stay with someone though, is it? Just because they have never cheated?

 

Ok, so he "gets" you. If he likes what he sees so much, why does he treat you so terribly?

 

Carrot, I like the humour, although I think its a veil to cover up that you really aren't all that happy.

 

Sorry.

[carrotgirl]

Not really enough of a reason to stay with someone though, is it? Just because they have never cheated?

 

Ok, so he "gets" you. If he likes what he sees so much, why does he treat you so terribly?

 

Carrot, I like the humour, although I think its a veil to cover up that you really aren't all that happy.

Hi SB, not a reason to stay with someone no, but a positive attribute that I include in decision factoring.

 

I appreciate the support and stand with Carrot and against GD side-taking, and I understand it given that this is my experience being presented, but it's extreme to call the man or his actions terrible. Okay, they are often terrible for me to experience, but that doesn't mean quite the same thing. What would be considered indefensible actions have been very few. I've committed more and worse than GD (and in my defense of the indefensible, mine are still low in frequency and severity).

 

What I think he does, that I perversely react badly to, is he treats me fairly. He doesn't behave as if We Are The Queen. We are not the queen.

 

I think GD generally treats me like his peer and expects me to behave like one. In some ways I'm not his peer and this is a sad fact of life that we have to deal with. Professionally, I am light years ahead and while there may be considerable closing in on that what with him being male, we're both aware of where we aren't really peers.

 

In terms of emotional development, I think GD and I both perceive that he's far ahead of me in most of the ways that count. I have some stunted development though I'm a real whiz when it comes to terminal illness and accidental death. I may never get where a lot of people get in terms of relationship maturity and it's not attractive. Until I develop more though, it is what it is.

 

When I'm not happy there is little covering up IRL and here on the boards, zero. The humor is legitimate. I love to laugh.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I think the very best thing you could do is cut him loose for a period of time and both of you could do some thinking about what it is you really want.

Thanks Sed!

 

Cutting loose is not an option I'm ruling out. I'm not afraid if I pull away that he will stop loving me. I'm not feeling compelled to see if he'll chase me so it's not an uncomfortable prospect, at least not today! I may just take a break.

 

So far, I'm feeling good about my recent behavior so I'm willing to let things play out without my trying to force any particular outcome.

 

Carrot

[TrustInYourself]

Hi SB, not a reason to stay with someone no, but a positive attribute that I include in decision factoring.

 

I appreciate the support and stand with Carrot and against GD side-taking, and I understand it given that this is my experience being presented, but it's extreme to call the man or his actions terrible. Okay, they are often terrible for me to experience, but that doesn't mean quite the same thing. What would be considered indefensible actions have been very few. I've committed more and worse than GD (and in my defense of the indefensible, mine are still low in frequency and severity).

 

What I think he does, that I perversely react badly to, is he treats me fairly. He doesn't behave as if We Are The Queen. We are not the queen.

 

I think GD generally treats me like his peer and expects me to behave like one. In some ways I'm not his peer and this is a sad fact of life that we have to deal with. Professionally, I am light years ahead and while there may be considerable closing in on that what with him being male, we're both aware of where we aren't really peers.

 

In terms of emotional development, I think GD and I both perceive that he's far ahead of me in most of the ways that count. I have some stunted development though I'm a real whiz when it comes to terminal illness and accidental death. I may never get where a lot of people get in terms of relationship maturity and it's not attractive. Until I develop more though, it is what it is.

 

When I'm not happy there is little covering up IRL and here on the boards, zero. The humor is legitimate. I love to laugh.

 

Carrot

I think we all love to laugh. I'd be careful though. I know I'm attracted to emotionally undeveloped women. There's something about being there for them that draws out the love in me. It also has something to do with my nature, history, childhood I am sure. These kind of relationships can quickly turn to codependence. Just be careful with the feelings.

[carrotgirl]

Just be careful with the feelings.

You mean like the feelings that have me storming internally right now? Okay. I'll be careful.

 

They aren't GD related but when one person causes me to doubt his integrity so deeply, I wind up questioning everyone's motives. So I packed a bag and ran away from home for the night. I just want to be safely removed from the temptation to spew on undeserving (better be) GD.

 

Of course no sooner did I run than the texts started flying. There are times I would like Mr. I don't have another name for him besides GD, to be less sharp. He knows me too well. He knew I ran. How does he know me THIS WELL? He wanted to be sure I wasn't upset with him. I wasn't. But why do you want to know? Is there a reason I should be running away from you?

 

Don't worry. I didn't actually ask those last two questions. And I've achieved some radio silence. I need some distance from the RL BS.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Never mind.

 

Carrot

[TrustInYourself]

What exactly are you saying? lol

[Trialbyfire]

carrot, it doesn't have to be so complicated. You're tech. Take it down to the simplest components. A flowchart is optional.

[carrotgirl]

You're a very good, bad woman Tri!

 

It was a dark and stormy night.

 

I faced my fear. It was all okay. GD was sweet at just a time when I really didn't expect it and really didn't even want it. I'm home now and glad for it. My head is pounding from too much sun and too much, yet not enough GD.

 

I do better with the drawrrring of course!

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

32 Days. I went 32 days with no reaction to drama. Past tense.

 

Earlier on the phone two little words came out of GD's mouth, "Not tonight." We were talking about getting food. I'd asked if he was in the mood for sushi. I was in the mood for sushi. His tone made me feel like I'd been sliced with a blade. It really wasn't good.

 

Enter the drama. I questioned it, "Ow. That was sharp. Did you mean it like that?" The response I got to my question was no response at all. I got ignored.

 

Pitch 2. I said, I'm fine with no on sushi but for some reason I'm suddenly uncomfortable. What gives? And I got ignored some more.

 

Pitch 3. GD? I'm genuinely asking because I don't know what else to do. I don't read minds. Can you talk to me? More nothing. I didn't bother with anything else. I couldn't bring myself to ask "Can you hear me now?" I just disconnected.

 

I didn't know what else to do. I'm not a good eggshell walker. It's easier for me to be direct and ask. I wasn't at all prepared for no response. He just stopped acknowledging my existence.

 

I don't know what else to do with that but do the same.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Okay. Okay. The GD just called me back.

 

He had an excuse. He had a very, very, very damn good excuse for ignoring me. A tree limb fell on one of the kids at the playground across the street and GD did exactly what I would hope any decent person would do, he went to help, leaving me hanging.

 

And he revisited his "Not tonight" response. "Wasn't trying to be sharp. I was just saying not tonight. No hidden meaning."

 

For my part I didn't say thank you as I might (almost did but then I didn't Touche ) and I didn't ask anything other than about the kid. The kid is going to be fine. According to GD, the EMTs admired GD's swiftness. I had to tease just a little, My GD? My Kung Fu Panda of a GD? Swift? He laughed, So it seems.

 

Re-setting the drama counter.

 

Carrot

[sunshinegirl]

That seems mighty convenient that he was off being a hero... did you hear any sudden ruckus on the phone? Any exclamations, any clattering as he dropped the phone to run and help?

 

Sorry to question things, but the whole thing stretches credulity for me. And if it's true? Okay, fine, he gets a pass for one instance of what appears to be a longstanding pattern of behavior.

 

Gah.

[carrotgirl]

Sunshine, I don't understand your reaction. In actuality GD hurt no one. Life happened and I overreacted. GD doesn't have a history of telling grandiose lies. I have no reason to doubt him on this and it's all verifiable anyway.

 

Yah. We have problems but they aren't of nearly the same turpitude as other problems we read about on the boards. I say this with no sense of superiority since our issues are difficult for me to manage, but it's grossly unfair to pigeon hole GD as some base monster who would make up a story about a tree limb falling on a child because he didn't want Japanese food for his evening meal.

 

I'm surprised that no one has taken me to task for losing my composure like an over-sensitive child and asking if the man meant to speak sharply to me in the first place instead of just taking the high road or ignoring, not to mention spinning out because I thought I was getting ignored.... but I probably did a good enough job of that on myself already.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

and gets a painfully honest answer.

 

Tonight GD said he needed to ask about us having a family. It wasn't a bad talk, it just wasn't easy though GD was as gentle and considerate as anyone could be with me. He was honorable.

 

I'm considering rechristening GD as KFP.

 

I know this relationship doesn't pass everyone's purity test here. I know his motives are questioned and my motives are questioned. And I'm so glad they are! Tonight we were what I think love is all about.

 

It's a really good feeling to know we are both meeting each other. It is so good trusting each of us will be responsible for self. It just feels so good.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Happy date. We made the most amazing risotto together. Before I left he packed up a box of lovely things for me to eat tomorrow. We cuddled and drank outrageously good red wine and watched old movies and laughed all night long.

 

Good night everyone,

Carrot

[Lyssa]

Happy date. We made the most amazing risotto together. Before I left he packed up a box of lovely things for me to eat tomorrow. We cuddled and drank outrageously good red wine and watched old movies and laughed all night long.

 

Good night everyone,

Carrot

 

That is great, C. A box of lovely things! Aawww he's a sweetheart, isn't he? When things are good, they are good hey?

 

Bet our mothers are having tea together reading this thread

[carrotgirl]

Yah. The best part for me this morning is having a wonderful memory and glowy feeling from last night and not questioning the goodness even a little bit.

 

There is a lot that is the old and familiar and there is a lot that is new and still a lot that is unshared as yet too. We're opening private places to each other again.

 

Maybe we.... okay, maybe I had to go through the break up to gain some perspective about myself. And if I didn't have to go through it, I got perspective anyway. I can see now there's a lot more of Carrot that needs fixing and healing.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I made a new decision about things and while my head is clear and I'm still feeling good about the decision, I want to share it with you all and ask for some support while I follow through.

 

I decided to give us, him, space. We've had our understanding time. He knows I love him. I know he loves me. Some space can do nothing but good.

 

By space I am not talking total avoidance or ignoring. Maybe we will still chat once in a while or share an occasional dinner or movie or fantastic circus sex.

 

Starting now I am, as casually as possible, not going to engage him or initiate anything with him. Or maybe only initiate once in a while. And I'll see what happens from there.

 

So will you help me stay on track with this new decision?

 

Carrot