My name is Carrot

[sunshinegirl]

How is your new decision working out, one day in?

[Touche]

God, does this bring back memories. I tried the same tactic too with my ex. It never worked out to my satisfaction.

 

So all I can say is "good luck with that."

 

Don't mean to be negative, Carrot. I really don't. Maybe it will turn out differently for you.

 

It's just that if you have to work this hard at it, (i.e. have strategies, etc.) in my experience, it never works out.

[carrotgirl]

Well hello Miss "I have on my sassy pants" SSG!

 

The psyche body connection was a little hairy midday so I went to my second favorite alter to myself (after the cosmetic surgeon) and had my head hair styled and the rest of me de-hair-ified.

 

GD cum KFP rewarded me for his space by not quite giving me total space. He called. He was brief. We both understood the value was in the action. He was just letting me know he's still there.

 

We'll see how it goes.

 

It's a nice place for him being the leaver and being the one who won't let go. It's a nice ego boost and he doesn't have to work so hard. We both get that. We both also get that there is merit in earning. Carrot will be carroty for a while.

 

It would be no favor to him for me to be making things seem always easy. It would be false and patronizing. I just need to be able to deal with the difficult shhit without allowing all of his (or my) hype and drama. I can't stand the drama. It makes me sick.

 

The family conversation wasn't easy but there was zero drama. He behaved and I took the high road. We got through it. We empathized. What could have been all out war went the way of good, honest understanding and acceptance.

 

But the day is long and there are many more ahead. It's hard this doing the right thing! I'd rather do the wrong thing and feel good! You know?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

God, does this bring back memories. I tried the same tactic too with my ex. It never worked out to my satisfaction.

 

So all I can say is "good luck with that."

 

Don't mean to be negative, Carrot. I really don't. Maybe it will turn out differently for you.

 

It's just that if you have to work this hard at it, (i.e. have strategies, etc.) in my experience, it never works out.

Touche,

 

Thank you.

 

I hear you.

 

I understand that you mean it and don't mean it and want to mean it but want to caution so you can't mean it and on and on. I do.

 

Thank you.

 

Means a lot.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I tried the same tactic too with my ex.

And I have to remember to stop calling him my ex.

 

The ex ex shhit fit pretty much set us straight as to acknowledging our relationship status at least with ourselves and each other. What's the line? It doesn't change a thing, but even so...?

 

Yah. It's nice to know. We're on the same page and we're both moving slowly. I'm still the one he wants over anyone else. He doesn't know what that means for himself so he can't explain it. He said it though and it was nice to know.

[sedgwick]

Carrot, your posts follow the same order over and over, in just about every thread:

 

1. He's great and sweet and did something great and sweet, so the fact that he was only a LITTLE bit of a douche is okay.

 

2. He says something relatively innocuous, like that he doesn't want sushi, and you question the hell out of him over it. You question the tone in which he said he didn't want sushi, and then question it again and again.

 

3. He clams up and suddenly things are bad.

 

4. He gives you an excuse for clamming up and you buy it.

 

Repeat.

 

I don't think ANYTHING should be this much work. Rocket science and brain surgery are not this much work!! And you know I think you're awesome, but I can't keep track anymore of when you're talking to him and not and when we're supposed to help you not talk to him because one post ago you were talking about having children with him! I do hope you see at least a little bit of what this looks like from the outside. Why wouldn't you want to be with someone you didn't feel compelled to question so much? Someone who could tell you he didn't want a certain food for dinner and you'd just take it at face value? You say you have to walk on eggshells with him, but it's okay because you don't have to do it all the time -- if you have to do that at all, ever, something's wrong. That's not love, Carrot. It's very exciting, but sustainable it ain't.

[carrotgirl]

Sedgwick consider this a warning. If you continue to visit this same unsupportive, hostile crap on me I will alert the mods.

[sedgwick]

Sedgwick consider this a warning. If you continue to visit this same unsupportive, hostile crap on me I will alert the mods.

 

What on earth?!?!?!?!

 

I have no reason to be hostile with you. But if you can't handle the way other people see this relationship, go for it, tattle on me to the mods. Please be sure to note to them, in said tattling, the part of my unsupportive and hostile post where I said you were awesome.

 

I won't respond to any more of your threads. Note that before I go away, I really like you. Over and out.

[carrotgirl]

Chapter 3 ...in which GD asks a difficult question

 

and gets a painfully honest answer.

 

Tonight GD said he needed to ask about us having a family. It wasn't a bad talk, it just wasn't easy though GD was as gentle and considerate as anyone could be with me.

To clarify .... Outside of last year's break, this was the most difficult conversation we've ever had. I am satisfied that he was considerate, grown up, interested and loving. I am proud of myself for being right there with him.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

double post.

[Nevermind]

What kind of support are you looking for? Just asking to avoid offending you.

[carrotgirl]

What kind of support are you looking for? Just asking to avoid offending you.

NM, to me, lending support, being supportive means to encourage or help a person with her cause with the intent of helping her succeed (and thereby not fail).

 

Thanks,

Carrot

[sunshinegirl]

Hey Carrot, I'm curious. You and I have forged a bit of a connection on LS even though I've said some pretty...straightforward...things on your threads. You've been great about encouraging my "luminosity" in some pretty down moments. What do you see as the difference between what I've written on your threads and what sedg wrote?

 

Hope you're recovering from your fever/illness the other night. I have fever/cough myself.

[melodymatters]

Hello my lovely carrotgirl....

 

I have to say... your response to sedge, frightened me away from posting on your thread. I respect you enough to be honest with you.

 

We all know that no one can truly understand the BIG PICTURE via reading our threads, but it seemed to ME, she was just trying to be an objective observer, and you jumped down her throat.

 

I DO like and respect you very much, so if you just want {hugs} to help you through your process, perhaps you need to make that a little clearer.

 

all my love,

melody

[carrotgirl]

Hey Carrot, I'm curious. You and I have forged a bit of a connection on LS even though I've said some pretty...straightforward...things on your threads. You've been great about encouraging my "luminosity" in some pretty down moments. What do you see as the difference between what I've written on your threads and what sedg wrote?

 

Hope you're recovering from your fever/illness the other night. I have fever/cough myself.

Sunshine, the biggest difference to me is that while you (and plenty of others) disagree, most of you take the time to read through and either seek to understand, offer some assistive words or move on to something else.

 

Touche wrote a supportive note while firmly disagreeing with my choice. I don't think I missed the care, irony, humor, caution, sadness or disgust in that brief note that I appreciated very much.

 

(And if I did miss or mistake any of it, I'm confident Touche will let me know. )

 

She could have said nothing. Instead she chose to let me know she's here (and thinks it's all going fail and I'm trying too hard and making a mistake but she's there) for me.

 

It doesn't come easily for me this working to improve myself and grow as a person. I'm not going to learn anything by falsifying my feelings or actions to make these threads more interesting for forum consumption though.

 

Does that explain it?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I have to say... your response to sedge, frightened me away from posting on your thread. I respect you enough to be honest with you.

 

We all know that no one can truly understand the BIG PICTURE via reading our threads, but it seemed to ME, she was just trying to be an objective observer, and you jumped down her throat.

Melody, all and Sedgwick too (though I've already written to her separately),

 

Sedgwick is someone I have a lot of respect and admiration for. I genuinely like her and enjoy most of our communication not just a little, a lot. There has been a pattern to Sedgwick's posts in several threads telling me she's annoyed at not just what and how I'm expressing myself but sometimes that I'm expressing myself at all.

 

So yah. Last night was the last I want to hear about not giving good enough post. I have a problem with people venting their frustrations with me for being annoying because my posts are repetitive, not entertaining enough, too dramatic, not dramatic enough, too happy and so on.

 

It completely misses the whole point of why I seek to communicate here to begin with, which is to learn, and share but over all, to help myself. It's selfish. I am here so that I can help myself function better first. Helping other people comes second to that.

 

My feeling is if one is going to express all that annoyance and doesn't have constructive criticism (as opposed to just plain criticism) or anything helpful to contribute, then recognize that as complaining, not helping, and don't vent annoyance or browbeat me for those things in my life that are utterly unrelated to this forum.

 

Carrot