Will divorce improve relationship with adult son

[dad44]

My wife died of cancer in 1998 and I remarried in 2001. In 2003 I had a mortgage business. My son (I'll call him S) was the only employee and he was on commission only. In late 2003 my wife joined the business and one of her duties was quality control. She audited the files on the loans that we had closed and noticed that several documents were missing that we were supposed to get signed by the borrowers.

 

She said that we needed to get S to go back to the borrowers and get the documents signed. She made a list of the missing documents and said that she wanted them by the end of the year. I said, let's tell S that we need them by the 15th of December, that way if he runs a little late we'll still have them by the end of the year. She said 'Let's make it the 10th'. I agreed.

 

On the morning of December 10th, W came into the office and said 'Where are the documents?'. I went into the adjoining office where S worked and asked him, and he said that he had most of the signed but that he had left them at home. I told W and she blew a fuse. She said that he'd had a month to get the documents and that he knew the deadline was the 10th. I pointed out that the 10th was an arbitrary deadline and that originally she wanted by the end of the month.

 

She kept getting more and more upset and finally she said in a loud enough voice so that my son who is in the next office could hear "I can't stand having S around anymore. He's lazy, he's a liar, he doesn't return phone calls, etc." Then she said "I don't even want them coming over for Christmas". She said not getting the documents when she asked for them was insubordination and that he should be fired. I told her that I didn't realize that the 10th was a drop dead deadline and I didn't think he did either.

 

Obviously my son was very upset. I told him that she didn't mean it, that she was just venting, and that she would calm down. I refused to fire him and said that I couldn't fire anyone, let alone my son, 15 days before Christmas. I caved in and told here that I would fire him in January.

 

She didn't calm down until January, then she sent me an email that said 'In a few weeks I will be OK. It will appear that you've got your old wife back. I will pretend that everything is OK, but deep down things will never be the same.'

 

After she calmed down I told her that I thought it was inappropriate for her to say those things knowing that he could hear them. She said she agreed, and that she would apologize to him. She never did.

 

In the meantime, we decided to relocate to another city, so in January I told him we were closing the office and that he needed to find another place to work. Even though this accomplished the same thing my W was very upset that I didn't actually fire him.

 

Now it's 4 1/2 years later and she just can't understand why S and his family don't want to come over to our house and why they don't invite us over. I have told her several times that a big part of it is because of what happened in 2003, but she doesn't believe me. She said people shouldn't hold grudges that long and that she had tried hard to have a good relationship with S and his wife.

 

I'm seriously considering divorce, and this is just one issue out of many. I'm wondering if divorce will improve my relationship.

 

My questions: 1. Was she right in wanting him fired 15 days before Christmas? 2. What kind of person would insist that her husband fire his son 15 days before Christmas over something as trivial as not getting the documents signed by an arbitrary deadline? 3. Is it normal to hold a grudge that long over something like this? 4. What can I do to resolve the situation and improve my relationship with my son? 5. Will a divorce help?

 

Thanks.

[Davey McG]

Hi Dad44

 

I read your post and I have some answers.

 

1. Was she right in wanting him fired 15 days before Christmas?

 

I think thats a pretty heartless thing to do, don't you? Especially for something so trivial.

 

2. What kind of person would insist that her husband fire his son 15 days before Christmas over something as trivial as not getting the documents signed by an arbitrary deadline?

 

Scrooge would do that sort of thing.

 

3. Is it normal to hold a grudge that long over something like this?

 

Yes, its completely normal. He knew what was going on, heard everything and was never apologised to (which he might see as you lying to him) If this had happened to me and I was told that i was fired because of relocation I would still be calling "bulls**t". Also, he might see it as if you picked this woman over his son so the grudge is probably not just against your wife, but you also.

 

4. What can I do to resolve the situation and improve my relationship with my son?

 

I honestly don't know. It depends on your son and how he saw the situation.

 

5. Will a divorce help?

Not really. Don't divorce because of your son, but if the relationship isn't working then you could end it. The divorce won't make your son forget about your part in this all

 

Sorry I couldn't give you more answers, but this reminds me of a situation with my best friend and his father's new wife so I can see if from the other side a bit.

[SeraBella]

I think you should try to talk with your son, without your wife knowing or getting involved. Apologize for the things that are causing hard feelings and make an effort to be a part of his life.

 

It's possible a divorce would improve your relationship with him. I don't know if a divorce is really necessary, but you do mention that you have other issues with your wife besides this one. I doubt your son wants you to be lonely, but I am sure he wants you to be happy.

 

I'm sure your son was hurt greatly when a woman you've only known for a few years came before him in such an important situation. You seem like someone who avoids confrontation, and it seems like your wife is very controlling. He may resent you for not standing up for him.

 

No woman should make you choose between your children or her, even if they are grown adults. And she seems to lack any empathy...she doesn't even realize how hurtful what she did was!

[curiousnycgirl]

What have you done, in the intervening 4 years, to maintain a relationship with your son? You speak of the negative things your wife has done, but not what you have done to fix things.

 

I would not consider your son to be holding a grudge, I would say he heard what your wife said, and chose to not spend time with her in the future. Clearly his last impressions of her are very negative, and she has done nothing to change that. Nor has she taken responsibility for saying truly awful things about him and creating the wedge that exists between them.

 

You have not indicated anywhere in your post that you did anything to maintain/fix your relationship with your son. If that is indeed the case, then truth be told you inaction indicates you decided to side with your wife.

 

I am sure your son is likely to make room in his life for you, whether you are divorced or not, however I would suggest it is up to you to make amends. Also I would not expect him to have any time for your wife.

 

However simply getting divorced is not going to fix your relationship with your son - you will have to do that by reaching out to him and working on it.