SingleDad Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Our Legal Separation started 6/12/08 after 5 months of divorce hell arguments and fighting over fair terms of separation. For the last 3 months we have lived apart and split our 2.5 year old daughter's time- I get 6 overnights every 14 days. Yet the whole time I was as courteous and loving as possible, telling Ex I would do everything possible to make our marriage work and love her the way she wanted. Went to deaf ears. That didn't stop her Express Train to freedom and Independence - never questioning her decision or looking back. Now she just told me she bought a house and is moving out within a week or two. As soon as the separation was signed (and after putting me through hell), she tells me I need to be friendly to her for our daughter's sake. I lost it - finally the anger that I supressed over the last 5 months came out. I screamed at Ex she has no right to tell me what to do or control our daughter anymore. She is one being selfish and considering her own wants. (She said the marriage ended after our daughter arrived, saying I stopped showing her love - when in fact we both focused on our daughter at the expense of each other). Marriage shouldn't end because of that !!! How could I be friends after what she did to me and our daughter ? Ex is the one destroying our daughter's future. If I allow myself to be friends/friendly with Ex then she can walk away from this guilt free and get everything she wants. But I also do not want to be enemies for our daughter's sake. I love my wife and I want to win her back over the next 12 months. I also want to do the best thing for my 2.5 year old daughter. Yet I just told Ex that we cannot be friends after what she did to me - I need time to heal. What approach do I take to win back my wife ? Should I express my anger now, or do the NC route for a while (except over our daughter) and pretend to be strong and independent ? Or be friends and hope over time she realizes that we should try to work things out. I know I am in the denial phase - but please allow me that for now - I want to keep the hope for now that things will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Does acting strong, independent, and able to thrive on your own actually do anything to win back an Ex ? Or is it just preparing yourself to live the inevitable life that you now must live ? Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Hmm.. If you truly wanted to win back your ex... not sure why you do??? But we want what we can't have.. basic phsycology 101. If you acted like you didn't care about her or the relationship. Don't ask her how she is doing or what. Keep any conversations down to just childcare/financial. Don't lose your cool, show no emotion. Get a girlfriend, act happy. Move on with your life, show her you don't need her. She may come crawling back at that point. Trust me, life isn't that grand for a single mom with a toddler. She isn't going to find too many guys that want to go the distance with her changing poopy diapers. She will probably get used a few times.. Now I kept my kids.. lots of family orientaed girls out there loved the fact that I had two nice grade schoolers and I wasn't just some schmuck player. My ex thought she would punish me and left me with the kids... I turned lemons into lemonade and had a string of good looking girl friends.. was engaged to a couple of them (luckily I came to my senses). I was having a great time and guess what... miserable ex came crawling back. I didn't want her anymore at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Independence and strength are attractive. Avoid her. Face your pain. After that she may realize what she's missing out on. Live life, don't worry about the wife. She's not worrying about you. Good luck man. I know its hard.- Link to post Share on other sites
Order & Chaos Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Single Dad, Get into therapy and start hashing things out there. It will help you get to bottom of your emotions in an appropriate and safe enviroment. You are all over the map right now and need to let the dust settle before you can decide how you should conduct yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 I see a pastor/marriage/divoce councelor every week and Divorce Care group sessions every week. I don't know how I would have survived without them. My routine has changed as well - 5 months ago I watched TV to relax - now all I seem to want to do is read counseling books (marriage help, religious, fatherhood) Seeking advice where ever I can for past 5 months !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Order & Chaos Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I see a pastor/marriage/divoce councelor every week and Divorce Care group sessions every week. I don't know how I would have survived without them. My routine has changed as well - 5 months ago I watched TV to relax - now all I seem to want to do is read counseling books (marriage help, religious, fatherhood) Seeking advice where ever I can for past 5 months !!! Just make sure you are doing it for her and not b/c you are trying to get her to come back. You have to work on you and your happiness and fate will decide if you guys are meant to be together. The more you focus on her coming back the more she is going to stay distant. You can't force this situation back into "right" again. You can only take the parts you are responsibility, try and make yourself whole, and learn to be happy with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Is that Order or Chaos talking ? Anyway, it is good advice... Get my head better for myself, not for the purpose of getting her back. Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Single dad, you say you have been reading books, well your original post demonstrates that you are reading the wrong books. If you were reading the right stuff you would know how to act. I am not advoctating tactics and trying to get an ex back, it is always down to an individual to assess whether 1. they have any chance of getting an back and 2. if it is worth the effort. You want to be reading Homer McDonald, Marius Panzerella, Thomas W McKnight and things of that nature. They explain human behaviour, how to act, how to attract, tactics with an ex, what works and what doesnt. It does not always work but had you read them, you would not be seeking advice on whether you should be "What approach do I take to win back my wife? Should I express my anger now, or do the NC route for a while (except over our daughter) and pretend to be strong and independent ? Or be friends and hope over time she realizes that we should try to work things out" There are plenty of books that have grounding in book ideals but they do not always work and sometimes it would be the worse thing for you if it DID work as sometimes, often, you are better off moving on with your life either independantly or with another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 It's not the books that is telling me that (other than the Bible and the saving your marriage books) but they have given me strength. It's the belief that divorce is not the right thing for our 2.5 yo daughter. I will look into those authors you mentioned however. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Exactly, children suffer in divorce. My wife refuses to see that fact. I don't tell her, either. Her friends are doing that, lol. Let go. It's the only way for her to miss you. Give her that space. Display confidence and positivity. Why stress it. Move on, she has. Just do your best to be strong, smart, independent, happy. Grow from this experience. Sure, there are steps. I used them and they worked. The problem is, she still hasn't worked it out for herself. You didn't initiate this action, she did. She has to resolve it, not you. You can't push someone to feel a certain way. That's why it's important to just let go. It's scary. It's hard. Acknowledge your pain and overcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 TIY - you are not doing that yourself... You are also holding on. Why ? Because we each have a young daughter... We both made committments to our marriage Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 SD, I'm trying. This is my first week where we've spoken once over the phone. I'm on LC right now to the max. If I could do NC I would. It's hard. As far as mentally letting go, it's an evolution. I can't just wake up and realize I'm better off without her. I have to suffer and make that determination on my own terms. I have hope and love inside, yet I don't allow it to control my actions like I did in the past. I come on here and post crazy emotional outbursts. I talk to friends and family. You have your pastor. It's all good. But you're right. I'm human. I make mistakes. I get nutty over my wife at times. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and provide others insight. Everyone has to deal with these circumstances their own way. I'm just saying use that pain to become a better person. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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