lostboy11 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I am new to the forum and don't know if this is the right section, but here goes. I work in a small/mid-sized law firm where just about everyone knows one another and must interact on a daily basis. I started at this job about a year ago. When I started, there was only one other attorney at about my level of experience. Being a good guy by nature I attempted to be friendly with this woman but got the "step off vibe" for a few months straght. Then, about six months ago, she inexplicably came into my office to ask me about a partner she was having trouble with. She confided in me on a level that put her completely out there i.e. if I repeated any of it she could be fired. Since that time, we started confiding in each other about issues with work and sometimes going out to lunch alone to do so even though there is a group of a bunch of people we used to eat with often. We also started emailing each other a few times a day regarding who was getting on our nerves (silly stuff) etc. We started getting to know each other a little better. She once asked me to lunch and paid for it. It seems like a couple of times she's made excuses to come by or to see me as in, "if you're picking up lunch could you pick me up something too" or "I have this question on a brief, do you know anything about it..." She also strangely always mentions when she's hot and needs to take her coat off (usually to reveal a sleeveless article of clothing). A couple of weeks ago when I asked her to lunch, she said "I can't but do you wanna grab drinks after work?" We did and it was fun as we commiserated for about 1 1/2 hrs over some martinis and talked about non-work things too including some truly personal stuff. She then asked me to go clubbing with her and some of her girlfriends that weekend, but I had to flake at the last second (family stuff). Since then, I feel I've been getting a lot of weirdness from her including the "I'm too busy" right now vibe. Sometimes she completely ignores me, avoids any eye contact and starts playing with her phone. Other times, she seems engaged and drops by my office very briefly, but not as much as before. The emails seem to be less frequent. I get the distinct feeling that for whatever reason she's pissed off. Still, however, she walks by my office multiple times per day without saying anything. All I wanted was a work buddy, albeit a very attractive work buddy. We had a nice and lighthearted email exchange yesterday so perhaps the ice is broken. But when went I went by her office to say hi (which is rare now) she barely acknowledged my presence and got up and started walking past me out of her office to do whatever she needed to do. RUDE. I just feel like a potentially good friendship went to waste for whatever reason (but if she is like this maybe there was no potential there anyway.) I am at a complete loss as to what's going on here. Is she ego tripping, pissed off, trying to flirt with me, wanting nothing to do with me as a friend? Thoughts? Thanks in advance. I forgot to mention, I am married and this woman is single. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Welcome and be thankful she backed off. Sounded like an emotional affair was in its infancy. What's your W's opinion about this? My (male) take is that she was attracted to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Thanks carhill. My wife knows that we eat lunch together and have gotten drinks together alone a couple of times. I don't think she's worried. Honestly I was just looking for someone at work to commiserate with amidst a very stressful job. I'll admit she is attractive but what i'm most baffled about is the behavior. I just want to know the intentions so I can act accordingly and either have a friend or not. Just depressing when someone turns out to be someone else or spoils an otherwise decent friendship in a place where friendships are few and far between. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Forgot to mention my instinct is she's still attracted to you. If you sense this, keeping a polite professional distance (IOW, no personal talk) would likely be your best course of action. Always be friendly and professional, even to a fault. Since your wife is on the same page, I'd suggest sharing your concerns and getting her input. Sometimes a team approach is best. I imagine you have a promising career to continue to nurture and protect, not to mention the health and well-being of your M. How long have you been married? Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Thanks carhill. My wife knows that we eat lunch together and have gotten drinks together alone a couple of times. I don't think she's worried. Honestly I was just looking for someone at work to commiserate with amidst a very stressful job. I'll admit she is attractive but what i'm most baffled about is the behavior. I just want to know the intentions so I can act accordingly and either have a friend or not. Just depressing when someone turns out to be someone else or spoils an otherwise decent friendship in a place where friendships are few and far between. I think she might of wanted something more. I don't believe she is mad..maybe more bummed that she thought something more would come out of it but apparently not. I think you should be happy she backed off and not worry about it so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I too get the feeling that perhaps she did want something more. If Iwere you, I'd keep your distance as much as possible. When you do have to talk with her keep it strictly about work related issues. Best wishes. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 she sent me an email today referring to someone we have mutual disdain for and how annoying it was that he had texted her about his "power lunch" out of the blue. I replied by email jokingly that I was "jealous he didn't text me" and "wasn't I cute enough" to be texted. Geez, I think I went over the line there. She came into my office shortly therafter lightly saying "you're not that cute" but then got immediately called away by our boss who was passing by my office at the time. God there's too much drama at my work. I kid you not, this is not the only issue there. My secretary (this is a different woman than the one above) has propositioned me (my wife knows all about this) and I totally shut her down. It has been weird ever since and I can't say anything to management because they'll assume I was the one who made the advance. No way, my secretary is extremely aggressive and misinterpreted my nice guyness for some sort of invitation - this all while she was dating two other men. What's wrong with these people I ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 Carhill to answer you, I've been married almost five years. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 It's a weird world out there, man. Lots of damaged people. Lots of people who just don't care. Be sooooo thankful you've got a good woman at home. The short version is you're young, attractive and a lawyer. You're meat Glad you have some years under your belt in the M. Keep the W up to speed. She's your best ally. Link to post Share on other sites
suzy61 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Speaking as a woman in a completely male-dominated job, that woman definitely liked you, and was/is probably hunting you a bit!!I've a couple of very close friends at work, all guys, and one or two in particular that I'd share complaints about work with, and very personal stuff. Be careful though. Until you've spent a lot of time with this woman...I mean months..hold back on what you're saying to her.She might confide in you, but that doesn't mean she won't repeat what you say to her. And keep telling your wife everything. She'll look after you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Thanks all for the posts. New development. This woman has asked me and another coworker to go to a networking function with her tomorrow. She must have suspected that the other person (who is a very good friend of mine) would turn her down since he has been tied to his desk for months on end. She could have, but did not ask anyone else to go. The email was along the lines, "there's this great networking function but I refuse to go alone, any takers?" I basically said yes, thinking it would be a good client schmoozing opportunity, but I am unclear about her intentions. Predictably, my friend turned her down. My wife knows I'm probably going to the function and is cool with it. Maybe this woman just wants a friend. She did tell me "I don't have time for dating" at one point not too long ago. Any additional thoughts? I don't know what to make of this. What do you experts think? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I think she is attracted to you yet is reluctant to cross the line- hence the push-pull behaviour. If I may be so bold to point out... I'm not so sure you aren't attracted to her on some level as well. She has obviously sparked your interest enough to make a post about her...? Sounds like it could be a dangerous friendship... perhaps she recognizes that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 OP, go to the event and spend the time schmoozing clients. Keep the contact with your colleague minimal, polite and professional. If she tries to draw you away, re-direct her to another client and keep the conversation professional and topical. Take your own vehicle. I say all this because you appear to have a good M and these are reasonable steps to respect it, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 D-Lish, now that you mention it I am posting about her quite a lot so she must be on my mind. The main point is that I'm confused by her behavior. As I said before, I do find her attractive, but value her potential friendship more than the potential for something else, especially given that I am married. Interestingly, I didn't like her as a person at first at all, but getting to know her has changed my mind a bit. I guess my problem is that I usually make friends with women I work with easily and they've all been problem free, platonic freindships with no weirdness. This friendship, however, feels a little different, I guess because I get weird signals from this woman, whereas I've always had pressure free, consistent, mixed-signal free, easy interaction with other female coworker friends. That difference is what is making me think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Yeah, OP, you have that ability to see women as humans first and sexual objects selectively. This one has the potential for the latter. That's why you must be careful. IMO, you have little control over that process, rather only how you react to it. Trust me, it will be on your mind. That's OK, as long as you have a plan and follow it. This includes keeping your W on the front page of that plan. She knows you work with women and that there will be attractions; she's not stupid. She's also confident in your M and your character. Great assets, those are. Hope you value and embrace them, and her. Let us know how the event goes Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I agree with D-Lish. You are waaaayyyy too interested in her. Back off right now. Do not go to the social. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 OP, would demurring regarding this event without good reason have any impact on your work? I ask because such things may be considered part of your "job" (I don't know but I know my dad had to do certain social things as a CPA) and that neglecting those things, if it were to become a pattern because of this woman, could harm or slow your career. In essence, by allowing her presence to alter your decision-making process, you give her power. I would counsel you to avoid doing so, especially if you want to make a career at this firm. I personally think you can handle her. You sound level-headed and emotionally aware. Those are great assets. Go with that. You will have many more challenges like this in your future. I doubt this was the first. Thanks for sharing Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I personally think you can handle her. This is a dangerous attitude, carhill. He's already intrigued with the game. I can see it easily becoming an addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I don't see him as intrigued in a bad way. I'm always intrigued with the games women play with men but that doesn't mean I want to play. I think he's a good guy. I'm going to go with that Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 But still intrigued to a degree which should be an indicator to proceed with caution. I think OP sounds like a good guy as well.... it's just always better to remove yourself from such a situation could be bad news down the road.... foresight! Even fishing for the "cute" comment indicates some approval and attention seeking behaviour. Probably sub-conscious, but still something to pay attention to. I don't think we are looking at this as an affair... but perhaps an emergence of an emotional affair, which is how that sort of things start- we read it on this very forum over and over again. I'd just keep things all business and stop hanging out after work. It's probably the best solution! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 I keep hearing this EA thing everywhere. What is an Ea and is being mere good friends with a coworker of the opposite sex an Ea? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 EA = emotional attachment or emotional affair This female co-worker would not be considered by many here on LS to be an EA if she socialized with you and your wife and your wife could be standing next to you while you discussed any topic (absent sensitive work topics) with your friend. Examine that and see what you think..... I've had an EA so I know exactly what the nuances are. It's really clear. The difference is that you are in what apparently is a good marriage. I want to see you keep it that way Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 OP, many married people get suckered down the affair path through close friendships with others at work. You see her as an attractive woman who is displaying behaviour that intrigues you. This is called the mating ritual. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Okay everyone, so I went to the so-called "networking" function only to find that it was less "business" networking and more "pleasure" networking. I thought the location would be a hotel bar, but it turned out to be a club. The crowd was younger meaning much less chance to get clients. Dare I say it was a "meat market?" In any case, I arrived a tad late and when I got there was greeted by my coworker. She bought me a drink and chatted with me for a few minutes then introduced me to her long time married friend, an attorney from another firm, who was clearly into her (he was on the verge of drooling). I got the feeling she had no intention of networking and was just there for the booze and potential hookup. She left me with her married admirer and bought some other random guy a drink and began talking with him. I talked to her married friend who was pretty pissed off that he had come from another city to attend this event so she wouldn't be alone, and then almost immediately she said had to leave the event to hang out with other friends for dinner. She hadn't told either of us about this. And in fact, her married friend said she had just emailed him to come up the same day so she wouldn't be alone. I was a bit miffed too since I had just shown up only to find the event was not a real networking event, and then, the only person I knew there was about to bail. So calmly, I bailed first which I think really surprised her. In any case, I think I realize what has happened here on my end. I obviously lack some emotional connection that I am trying to fill by being friends with this woman, but for some reason, instead of wanting to be my friend, she's playing around. That's what you do with potential lovers, not friends. I guess I'm confused and admit I must be intrigued by all of this to post this much. I refuse to be a tool though and I feel like that's what she's trying to do. The "networking" function was a red-herring to get me to show up to boost her ego or to provide a backup in case there was no one more interesting to converse with. Neither of those things, however, are what I'm looking for. I don't think this person has the capacity to be my friend and I'm disappointed because she had me fooled into believing we were. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 This is called the mating ritual. I'll just requote myself for greater effect! Back off right now. You're being reeled in. Link to post Share on other sites
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