What Women Want (re-posted from another forum)

[SingleDad]

I got some good on what women want from this posting I found. Maybe it will help some of us men who are separated and trying to start from scratch with our STBXW.

 

Here it is from Roses808:

 

i would like to also give a women's perspective.

 

for women that request a div/sep, a lot of times it is because they feel taken for granted or they feel they are not being treated well. they are looking for a reaction from their H's that shows some depth of feeling. i'm assuming here, but from my experience and what i've seen of marriages, the husbands put the ring on and feel their job is done. romance and chivalry toward the wives goes out the window. (i've seen my husband nearly knock someone over to open the door for an attractive girl w/a carriage). meanwhile, a few weeks later, i came home from grocery shopping w/our 10month old baby. i get out of the car w/her on one arm, the diaper bag on another, a grocery bag hanging from one pinky, fumbling for keys and all the while my husband is across the street having a conversation w/our neighbor. he waves at me and never bothers to come over to help. what the hell is that? no, he def was not involved in any way w/neighbor. but when i confronted him, he said "we were in the middle of a conversation." Well, duh, say excuse me i need to give my wife a hand. That's just one example. here's another; i had the baby on one arm while trying to manuever the carriage down a few stairs. he was mowing the lawn, but never bothered to stop to help me. this was shortly after i discovered his online transgression that was full of niceties toward a near stranger. come on guys, what is this kind of ****? i'm still married but that is the kind of stuff (and lots more probs of course) that would make me want and go through with a separation. and unless my H can convince me that he really loves me and needs me and regrets taking advantage of me; i would not give it a second thought and go through w/a divorce.

 

men, alot of your stuff is caught up in pride. it does no good. women are looking for reactions. you say, your woman leaves and boom, you are slamming the door shut behind her and cutting all ties. you are just spiting yourself. if you want to keep it together, you should give her space and in the meantime, take a hard look at what you may have done to cause her to want to leave. then see if you can't win her back. try swallowing your pride and admit you may not be the man and H you think you are. my H thinks he's the best H to come down the pike. Well I can tell you he is a great provider and great Dad, but he lacks severely in the emotional support, attentive and affection areas. i truly believe he thinks he brings home the check and his job is done. oh, i could go on and on. thankfully we are going to counseling to hopefully address and resolve these issues.

 

i am not answering anyone in particular because i really don't know enough about all of your stories. i guess in some cases the wives have been super biatches. i don't necessarily think that because a wife wants a separation, that she is treating her husband like a dormat. these are just some general observations, but when wives leave they may be in real pain and don't want to be taken advantage of anymore. they need the time to see how things are w/o you, which in turn could give them a new appreciation for you, which in turn could make for a better marriage if you reunite. i can understand the crushing part of being told, I want to separate (translated by hubs as "I don't love you anymore"). That is not always the case. If you want to work it out, you will respect her need to clear her head, etc. Of course, in the cast of running to another guy's arms.....that's kind of ****ty. However, if they are not feeling it at home, it's not hard to fall victim to someone elses advances.

 

lots of blabbing....hope i made some sense.

[Order & Chaos]

I asked for the separation b/c of the unhealthy emotional dependency we had created over the last 12 years. Time and again we discussed change, he would address his depression and anxiety, but to no avail.

 

I knew the harshest but most realistic way that he would finally decide if he wanted to address it was to take myself out of the equation. If I am his dependency line, and I go, he has to sink or swim on his own.

 

I think that since we have been together since high school, we have been emotional stunted in our development. We never really developed our own identities and have been unhealthily leaning on each other ever since.

 

We are both in IC and are doing MC. I am not sure where things are going, I did become pretty emotionally detached about a year ago and am not finding the living alone thing to be very hard. We are both doing better than we expected. The friendship and the respect is there but we may have moved own past each other. It's very sad, were discussing it after therapy yesterday, but it just might be an ending.

 

What I wanted to make sure would never happen is that we would get bitter. I grew up with bitter parents and I care too much about him to feel that way towards him. He is truly a wonderful person.

 

Also, I stopped looking for him to "prove" his love to me when we were in college. I grew up and just wanted him to be happy and healthy. I want him to be him and me to be me and if we are able to work then great but if not then we can respect that.

 

I just want him to figure out finally who he really is and to finally be happy. He was never really happy in our marriage, he was really just existing and that was crushing to me.

[SingleDad]

I am confused - you asked for a separation so that he could figure out what he wants ?

 

If that were the same in my case, then my STBXW would have realized that I overwhelming learned what I want - to be the best father and husband I can be.

 

Any other POV from women who separated and claim to hate their husbands... What would it take for you to allow your XH back into your life ?

[TrustInYourself]

They want their husbands to move on. To be independent, strong, happy individuals.

[Order & Chaos]

Yep, that is exactly it. What does he want out of life. He has spent all of his adult life hiding from life, dwelling in his anxiety and depression saying he doesn't want to live like that but never wanting to do anything to improve it.

 

So I finally realized that when I was gone for a lot one month traveling for work and realized that I didn't miss home I had disconnected in a big way. I knew that I could not continue living the life that we had. I had become a shell of me and we were living separate lives under the same roof. We were barely talking to each other, doing our own things, etc. It was not the way I wanted to live.

 

But I want him happy. More than anything I want him happy. I am not asking him to change, that is his choice, but I can not live like we were living. It wasn't a life or a relationship.

 

He says he has changed but he has said that in the past and a month isn't long enough to really prove that. I know that there is confusion on his end, there is on mine as well. I just can't be someone's lifeline any more. I was suffocating and drained.

 

Again, therapy is the only real way to start the correct dialogue between you and your wife. I suspect right now you guys are only reacting to the other's reaction to something, ping ponging against each other's emotions.

 

But if it helps, hate is really a mutated form of love. The opposite of love is apathy. So as long as there is any emotion that she is showing in your direction is a good sign. When she is at peace with you and the situation, well then I would really move on.

 

But get into therapy.

[TrustInYourself]

The main problem for most of us who hang on, is fear of the unknown. The fear of change. We shouldn't be afraid of those things. This is an oppurtunity for all of us to grow and become better people. Why should we fear that?

[SingleDad]

The only 2 things I appreciate is how this has made me to have a strong desire to be the best father I can be... And to try to find my spirituality to give me strength.

 

Yes I am afraid of change

 

Yes I do not want to be alone

 

Yes I do not want to start over

 

Yes I want a nuclear family - it is too hard to raise a 2.5 yo on your own...

 

Yes I do not want to mark your calendar for the next 15 years... This day I have her, this day I don't... I am either fully committed to my daughter or I am alone and depressed

 

How does a person learn to adjust to a life like that ?

[TrustInYourself]

The only way we can? By doing the best with what we have. I'm here with you. Same boat in the middle of an ocean of despair. We can live through this!!

[LakesideDream]

I got some good on what women want from this posting I found. Maybe it will help some of us men who are separated and trying to start from scratch with our STBXW.

 

Here it is from Roses808:

 

i would like to also give a women's perspective.

 

for women that request a div/sep, a lot of times it is because they feel taken for granted or they feel they are not being treated well. they are looking for a reaction from their H's that shows some depth of feeling. i'm assuming here, but from my experience and what i've seen of marriages, the husbands put the ring on and feel their job is done. romance and chivalry toward the wives goes out the window. (i've seen my husband nearly knock someone over to open the door for an attractive girl w/a carriage). meanwhile, a few weeks later, i came home from grocery shopping w/our 10month old baby. i get out of the car w/her on one arm, the diaper bag on another, a grocery bag hanging from one pinky, fumbling for keys and all the while my husband is across the street having a conversation w/our neighbor. he waves at me and never bothers to come over to help. what the hell is that? no, he def was not involved in any way w/neighbor. but when i confronted him, he said "we were in the middle of a conversation." Well, duh, say excuse me i need to give my wife a hand. That's just one example. here's another; i had the baby on one arm while trying to manuever the carriage down a few stairs. he was mowing the lawn, but never bothered to stop to help me. this was shortly after i discovered his online transgression that was full of niceties toward a near stranger. come on guys, what is this kind of ****? i'm still married but that is the kind of stuff (and lots more probs of course) that would make me want and go through with a separation. and unless my H can convince me that he really loves me and needs me and regrets taking advantage of me; i would not give it a second thought and go through w/a divorce.

 

men, alot of your stuff is caught up in pride. it does no good. women are looking for reactions. you say, your woman leaves and boom, you are slamming the door shut behind her and cutting all ties. you are just spiting yourself. if you want to keep it together, you should give her space and in the meantime, take a hard look at what you may have done to cause her to want to leave. then see if you can't win her back. try swallowing your pride and admit you may not be the man and H you think you are. my H thinks he's the best H to come down the pike. Well I can tell you he is a great provider and great Dad, but he lacks severely in the emotional support, attentive and affection areas. i truly believe he thinks he brings home the check and his job is done. oh, i could go on and on. thankfully we are going to counseling to hopefully address and resolve these issues.

 

i am not answering anyone in particular because i really don't know enough about all of your stories. i guess in some cases the wives have been super biatches. i don't necessarily think that because a wife wants a separation, that she is treating her husband like a dormat. these are just some general observations, but when wives leave they may be in real pain and don't want to be taken advantage of anymore. they need the time to see how things are w/o you, which in turn could give them a new appreciation for you, which in turn could make for a better marriage if you reunite. i can understand the crushing part of being told, I want to separate (translated by hubs as "I don't love you anymore"). That is not always the case. If you want to work it out, you will respect her need to clear her head, etc. Of course, in the cast of running to another guy's arms.....that's kind of ****ty. However, if they are not feeling it at home, it's not hard to fall victim to someone elses advances.

 

lots of blabbing....hope i made some sense.

 

 

I suppose there are as many stories, and reasons as there are people, /couples. In my case my now ex wife needed more "space" to make her efforts to be penetrated by her LT BF easier. I certainly didn't try to stop her from leaving.

 

I know a few other guys in the same boat. I also women who were cheated on. Cheating, and marriage destruction is an equal oppertunity despoiler.

[Gunny376]

The best explaintaion of what women wnat is Chris Rock on Marriage ~ you can Goggle it on YouTube.

 

But seriously I read a book, (still have it) by the same title, "What Women Want" in which over 2500 women national wide were surveyed and asked various questions about what they wanted in a partner, sex, marriage, a relationship.

 

IMHO can't answer many women cannnot tell you the answer to the question because they can't answer it themselve, simply because they don't know. I'm not saying any and all women are like this, but there are more than just a few.

 

In fact Harper's Weekly has just recently changed its editorial policy of advising women to get out of less than satisfying marriages, to one of doing everything they can to save the marraige.

 

Why? Because they found that women who got of less than totally and completely satisfying marriages because they "weren't happy" still weren't happy or worry even less happier for having left the marriage/relationship ~ and wished they had stayed married and worked harder to make the marriage work.

 

I found the quote from the other fourmn interesting in that the wife expected the husband to drop whatever he was doing at the time, and come give her a hand.

 

Women by virtue of being women, (most not any and all) expect help from others, their DH, friends, co-workers, other men, family other women.

 

Most men if the ask for the help of another, especially another man do so with great reluctance.

 

But someone will chine in that this is his DW?

 

Men get married thinking things will never change, and women get married thinking they will and can change their DH's.

 

I've yet to be in a LTR where it was only a matter of time before the "Home Improvement Committee" didn't show up. Hell you can't even dress yourself anymore. Get married? Hell its like your suddenly freaking brain-dead, and fellow husbands will tell you, "Come on! You one of us now, hold my hand!"

 

When it comes to making a woman happy ~ it can't be done. I've yet to meet a woman that's completely happy. It seems to me that the ones that I've come in contact with are their own worse enemies when it comes to being happy.

 

I actually went on a shopping trip, where the woman I was with bought the same damn pair of shoes THREE freaking times, taking the previous pair back for an exhange!

 

What man hasn't gone through "Let re-arrange the living room" secerio? (BTW ~ men hate this!) My furniture is in the same exact place it was two years ago when I moved in, and if I live here another thousand years, it will be in the same exact place!

 

I'm convinced that this is male and female pyschology and that men and women's brains are wired differently.

 

And that all the freaking therapy and couseling in the world isn't ever going to turn a man in a woman, nor a man into a woman.

 

Women need to accept that, understand that, and deal with that.

[Gunny376]

The only 2 things I appreciate is how this has made me to have a strong desire to be the best father I can be... And to try to find my spirituality to give me strength.

 

Yes I am afraid of change

 

Yes I do not want to be alone

 

Yes I do not want to start over

 

Yes I want a nuclear family - it is too hard to raise a 2.5 yo on your own...

 

Yes I do not want to mark your calendar for the next 15 years... This day I have her, this day I don't... I am either fully committed to my daughter or I am alone and depressed

 

How does a person learn to adjust to a life like that ?

 

One second at a time!

 

One minute at a time!

 

One hour at a time!

 

One day at a time!

 

One week at a time!

 

One month at a time!

 

One year at a time!

 

Quit trying to live your life in a nano-second.

 

You've got to re-define your life, and your life's priorties, goals and objectives.

[Order & Chaos]

The best explaintaion of what women wnat is Chris Rock on Marriage ~ you can Goggle it on YouTube.

 

But seriously I read a book, (still have it) by the same title, "What Women Want" in which over 2500 women national wide were surveyed and asked various questions about what they wanted in a partner, sex, marriage, a relationship.

 

IMHO can't answer many women cannnot tell you the answer to the question because they can't answer it themselve, simply because they don't know. I'm not saying any and all women are like this, but there are more than just a few.

 

In fact Harper's Weekly has just recently changed its editorial policy of advising women to get out of less than satisfying marriages, to one of doing everything they can to save the marraige.

 

Why? Because they found that women who got of less than totally and completely satisfying marriages because they "weren't happy" still weren't happy or worry even less happier for having left the marriage/relationship ~ and wished they had stayed married and worked harder to make the marriage work.

 

I found the quote from the other fourmn interesting in that the wife expected the husband to drop whatever he was doing at the time, and come give her a hand.

 

Women by virtue of being women, (most not any and all) expect help from others, their DH, friends, co-workers, other men, family other women.

 

Most men if the ask for the help of another, especially another man do so with great reluctance.

 

But someone will chine in that this is his DW?

 

Men get married thinking things will never change, and women get married thinking they will and can change their DH's.

 

I've yet to be in a LTR where it was only a matter of time before the "Home Improvement Committee" didn't show up. Hell you can't even dress yourself anymore. Get married? Hell its like your suddenly freaking brain-dead, and fellow husbands will tell you, "Come on! You one of us now, hold my hand!"

 

When it comes to making a woman happy ~ it can't be done. I've yet to meet a woman that's completely happy. It seems to me that the ones that I've come in contact with are their own worse enemies when it comes to being happy.

 

I actually went on a shopping trip, where the woman I was with bought the same damn pair of shoes THREE freaking times, taking the previous pair back for an exhange!

 

What man hasn't gone through "Let re-arrange the living room" secerio? (BTW ~ men hate this!) My furniture is in the same exact place it was two years ago when I moved in, and if I live here another thousand years, it will be in the same exact place!

 

I'm convinced that this is male and female pyschology and that men and women's brains are wired differently.

 

And that all the freaking therapy and couseling in the world isn't ever going to turn a man in a woman, nor a man into a woman.

 

Women need to accept that, understand that, and deal with that.

 

You can not stereotype all women into these narrow characteristics as I am sure you are aware that one can not stereotype all men into some of the characteristics noted on this forum.

 

Yes there are different traits that is common in each sex but as we are all individuals with different histories, experiences, talents, skills, etc we are all unique in our interactions with others.

 

What everyone MUST understand is themselves and with that you will find your answers about the opposite sex. You must know what makes you tick, what are your patterns, what impact has your history had on you, what unresolved/unacknowledged patterns from your childhood are you still playing out, etc. This will answer why you are in the relationships that you are in.

 

We are products of our childhood and without self awareness you will go through life blindly, attracting the same "type" of friends and lovers and never knowing why things seem to always end up the way they do.

 

If you are finding the same type of woman is in your life with all the women that surround you, then there is something in you that is attracting this personality type. You are seeking out the very traits that are frustrating you.

 

I get annoyed with thread after thread about men and women in general doing X,Y, and Z when it is just another excuse for a victim mentality and, to me, a sign of laziness on the posters part. Take charge of your life, figure yourself out and you will figure out why you are dealing with the problems that you are. Stop making the same mistakes over and over again and then writing off half the population when you can easy solve the problem that plagues you.

 

And as painful that some of the poster's experiences have been, take it as an oppurtunity to grow, see where you can improve yourself, forgive the other person for their transgressions (for the sake of your own sanity) and take the lesson(s) learned and move on.

 

We only go around this world once, why waste it on bitterness, anger, and fear? Life is hard but god it is better to be living it and feeling it and the other option. The pain is hard but it is Life's challenge for you to step up and deal. You can only control yourself, not those around you and sometimes you just have to recognize that people are not going to do what you want, what is smart, or even makes sense. And you might have been right all along. But just being right won't make them "see the light" no matter how much you try and cram it down their throats. They most walk their own path and learn the lesson (or not) on their own time.

[Gunny376]

All I'm saying is that I"m the one responsibile for my "happiness" in life ~

not anyone else.

 

Personally IMHO, when someone tells their mate "I'm not happy!" and thus strongly implying that their mate is the source of their un-happiness ~ that all it really means is they want to go out and scrogg someone new!

[Order & Chaos]

All I'm saying is that I"m the one responsibile for my "happiness" in life ~

not anyone else.

 

Personally IMHO, when someone tells their mate "I'm not happy!" and thus strongly implying that their mate is the source of their un-happiness ~ that all it really means is they want to go out and scrogg someone new!

 

No. You are assigning meaning behind it that may or may not be true as well as assigning responsibilities that may or may not be there.

 

I am not saying that what you suggested never happens but it also doesn't mean that there aren't other reasons.

 

And sometimes the affair is just the physical manifestation of the rotting of the marriage that had occurred a long time before that.

 

But what does it matter if someone assign that responsibility on you. If someones says, you made me kill that person, do you accept responsibility? No, you put it back on the person it belongs on. But one has to understand the role the played in getting to the end result of the marriage ending.

 

The marriage ends for whatever reason but so many times all that is focused on is the affair. The affair absolutely needs to be examined but the rotten foundation was laid a long time before that. That is what, with therapy, both parties need to look at.

 

I am not saying that there isn't an capability if a person does have an affair but I think it ends up negating any discussion about where the miscommunications happened, where the separation occured, and where one might want to learn from, to at least know what not to do in the next marriage. But for the record I am not condoning the affair, just saying their is a bigger picture to look at.

 

I read many BS on here who seem to be wrapped up in their cocoons of pain, damning thier spouses and others in some attempt to easing the pain. Maybe it works but I doubt it.

 

The only way anyone is going to truly move on is to forgive and accept the past for what it is and move on. The bitterness and anger is just a blanket to suffocate you from every really moving on and fully breaking your connection to that person. For as long as they can generate anger, bitterness, etc from you, they control aspects of your life.

[Order & Chaos]

All I'm saying is that I"m the one responsibile for my "happiness" in life ~

not anyone else.

 

Personally IMHO, when someone tells their mate "I'm not happy!" and thus strongly implying that their mate is the source of their un-happiness ~ that all it really means is they want to go out and scrogg someone new!

 

But from you earlier post, that you haven't been with a woman that doesn't want to improve you, means you are seeking out that trait.

 

You lay the foundation in the beginning on how you want to be treated. If that is something that isn't what you want it should be clear in the beginning when the first "attempt" at improvement is done. But the first time you concede to that tie when you don't want to, that repainting of the room that you thought was fine, the time you just shut up instead of arguing you are allowing the behaviour to happen.

 

People don't just end up in situations where their marriage is wrecked. There is a LONG history of small steps that got to that point. And I speak from experience. I see where mine went bad, I see the mistakes I made, the laziness I allowed to creep in and my passion being put into other hobbies. My prioritizing was off and ultimately we drifted apart.

 

But I take full responsibility for my part in it. I realize that we needed therapy years and years earlier and I regret not recognizing that. I regret not pushing harder for it when I did realize it years ago, and I regret where we have ended up. But the best I can do is try to fix it now, make amends if not possible, and try to end this with the least amount of bitterness and hard feelings as possible so we can start our new lives without being too far behind the eight ball.

[TrustInYourself]

But from you earlier post, that you haven't been with a woman that doesn't want to improve you, means you are seeking out that trait.

 

You lay the foundation in the beginning on how you want to be treated. If that is something that isn't what you want it should be clear in the beginning when the first "attempt" at improvement is done. But the first time you concede to that tie when you don't want to, that repainting of the room that you thought was fine, the time you just shut up instead of arguing you are allowing the behaviour to happen.

 

People don't just end up in situations where their marriage is wrecked. There is a LONG history of small steps that got to that point. And I speak from experience. I see where mine went bad, I see the mistakes I made, the laziness I allowed to creep in and my passion being put into other hobbies. My prioritizing was off and ultimately we drifted apart.

 

But I take full responsibility for my part in it. I realize that we needed therapy years and years earlier and I regret not recognizing that. I regret not pushing harder for it when I did realize it years ago, and I regret where we have ended up. But the best I can do is try to fix it now, make amends if not possible, and try to end this with the least amount of bitterness and hard feelings as possible so we can start our new lives without being too far behind the eight ball.

 

You recognize the mistakes. There are solutions. Why does it have to be chucked? Do you not agree that the things we work hardest for are the most rewarding? I understand there is pain, anger, misery involved, but there is also the foundation for what started your marriage. Love and respect.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Order & Chaos]

You recognize the mistakes. There are solutions. Why does it have to be chucked? Do you not agree that the things we work hardest for are the most rewarding? I understand there is pain, anger, misery involved, but there is also the foundation for what started your marriage. Love and respect.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Why? Because I am pretty sure that though I love him I don't love him the way he deserves to be loved. I have been with him b/c of obligation and respect of his loyalty. But our personalities and interests are so different that it doesn't lend to a satisfying union.

 

I absolutely agree that things we work hardest for most rewarding but I have been working on this for at least 6 years, pretty intensively for the past 3 years. And I give up. Plus in our separation we are finding that we have nothing to talk about (which is what it was like living together). We touchbase but outside the niceties, there is little to converse on. And (and I know some feel this is more important than others) for 13 years, our whole relationship our sex life was poor. He never had much drive, even at 18 and the duration and quality did not satisfy me.

 

In short, I am tired of compromising myself, my wants, and my needs to fit into this mold that worked. I am 31 years old and I would rather be alone than be a square peg trying to fit a round hole. The separation has been much easier than we both expected and we are realizing that it is probably the end.

 

There are no hard feelings but then there was never a lot of strong feeling/passion with us anyway. He was always happy with that but I have realized that I never was.

[TrustInYourself]

That's cool. I'm happy for you. I hope you find what makes you happy.