BF's psycho ex wife is driving me nuts!

[bobenna]

Help! I'm at the end of my rope with her.

 

First off, my bf and I have been together for just over 6 months now. I left my emotionally abusive ex bf (of 3 years) for this guy. Overall, our relationship is great and we are very much in love. He has two children with his ex, 5 and 8. Both who I love very much and they love me too! We are a big happy family and do lots of great things together. But then his ex enters the picture...

 

To give you a bit of background on the divorce -- she cheated on him just over a year ago now. While they were together, she would go out partying and constantly leave him stuck home with the kids. He was miserable with her. She suffers from mental illness... depression and I'm guessing bi-polar too. She stayed with new guy for a few months I'm guessing, but apparently he didn't want her baggage (can't say I blame the guy) and now she's alone.

 

Kids spend one week with mom, then one week with dad, switch on Sunday, so on and so forth. We live with his mother (as his father passed away years ago). She looks after the kids during the day while mom and dad are at work. On ex wife's days w/kids, she drops them off in morning and picks up after work.

 

Sounds simple enough right? Well unfortunately she makes it impossible to make anything simple and meet any agreement. She's never on time. She's difficult on purpose, she hates me. There's only been one encounter with her where she was actually pleasant towards me, and it's because she was drunk! That was on new years when she ditched her kids and dropped them off at our place.

 

She's incredibly rude to my bf. He bends over backwards to try and keep her happy, but she shows up on our doorstep and starts bickering to him. She's been escorted off the property twice by police. She told her kids, our aunt, and the police that my bf was hitting her and being abusive! which was a flat-out lie, what really happened is she attacked the two of us (in our home!!!!)

 

She has nothing better to do than call and hassle my bf over useless ****. Every night she'll call, at least once. Her son was being goofy once and tried shaking her hand instead of huging her, she then called my bf and screamed at him, accusing him of telling his kids not to hug her.

 

Just last fathers day, she was supposed to drop kids off early because they wanted to make him breakfast and spend extra time (we had plans). Instead, she ignores her phone and drops them off in the afternoon. My bf asked her to let him know in the future if anything changes, and she said "ummm NO!"

 

But my bf stopped logging all the incidents, once his word document exceeded several pages.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid this is going to break us up. I suffer from my own mental illness, social phobia and major anxiety. This certainly doesn't help. I take medication and started therapy last week. My therapist tells me to stay out of it completely... and I try my best but it's such a hard situation.

 

I don't always agree with the way my bf handles her... he's just too soft and usually gives her what she wants just to keep her happy. But then I always end up unhappy because it results in some sort of loss for me. This is where it drives me insane.

 

She also uses the kids to manipulate and guilt my bf. For example, recently on her week OFF, she called her daughter (without consulting dad) and said she was coming over to OUR house to spend time!?!? like wtf? So I have an anxiety attack when I hear that. She's not even welcome at the house. My bf calls her and asks if she can take them to the park down the street, she agrees. Then 15 minutes later I look in our backyard and there they are all playing together. My bf made her leave and she freaked out, her children were also upset and crying. Ofcourse it was allllllllllllllllll dad's fault....

 

They have a separation agreement, but no "divorce" yet. Originally they had an agreement, she would get the car, nothing else. Now she decides she should get more... but the thing is he paid for everything. He sold his store and used the money to pay off his lines of credit, so I'm not sure what she's going to get half of. The house belongs to his mom but somehow she thinks she's entitled to it.

 

Like I said I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like if he doesn't control this woman then I will have to take matters into my own hands... I'm scared that my anger will cause me to do something I'll regret.

[SingleDad]

The problem is, the guy you fell for is still married (separated but not divorced) and they have two young kids together. Of course, his STBXW is crazy... I would be too if/when my STBXW finds an OM.

 

Unfortunately, you should have waited until the divorce was final... then things would likely be easier.

 

You are in a tough place.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah you should have waited. cheating notwithstanding. To her you pose a complication. Sher probably wanted to come back on her own time frame and your intro into her husbands life ruined that idea.

 

Dont deal with her on a personal level. If anything protect your BF, get him to finalize the divorce so that way you can get her out of your lives.

 

Some people think it's wrong to date while seperated but if both partys seperate with the intention to divorce within that upcoming year?

 

IDK.

 

Every situation is different. If I was in your boyfriends position I possibly would have started to date as well. but I would have made sure to start upon the finalization of the big D.

[bobenna]

Thanks for the replies guys. When I met him, I had no idea where he was in his divorce. They both did separate with the intension of divorce... I know my bf tried to work it out with her even after she cheated but she is just an impossible woman and it wasn't going to happen. We spend almost every moment together when we're not at work, there's no question about him getting back with her.

 

Actually, just this afternoon my bf called me and said he wants to file a restraining order against her because she called and threatened him. I'm pushing him to get this divorce filed, he's speaking with his lawyer today or tommorow.

 

Also, I wouldn't consider our relationship as him cheating. He had full intent to leave her when we met. Plus he always tells me how he hasn't been this happy in years

[Ronni_W]

...usually gives her what she wants just to keep her happy.

Your b/f is under a lot of pressure. Mostly, dads do what they think will make life smoother FOR THEIR KIDS, and what will keep THEIR KIDS happy. Usually they do not give a rat's behind if the ex is happy or falls off a cliff -- but they recognize it is sensible and mature to keep the peace FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS.

 

His ex isn't going to behave any better after the divorce is finalized -- so it's up to you to decide if you are able and willing to emotionally support this guy now and in the future, and help him do the best he can FOR HIS KIDS, and help him deal with the mother of his children in ways that will be best FOR HIS KIDS while also maintaining his own sanity.

 

It is difficult enough making all the mental, emotional and physical changes and helping the kids to cope with all of it. Adding an unreasonable ex makes it all the more exhausting and depleting. Keeping in mind that the ex is someone who will be in your life for as long as you are with him, yes, you are taking on a lot if you do choose to stick with him.

[dgiirl]

My therapist tells me to stay out of it completely... and I try my best but it's such a hard situation.

 

I completely agree with your therapist. STAY out of the situation.

 

Do you really love this guy? Do you want a future with him? Then you need to be a safe place for him. A place he can come to to escape the crazy exw. Your post screams frustration and if you feel this way and act this way in front of your bf, you are going to add even MORE stress for him. Not only will he have to manage his exwife, but he'll also have to manage you because he probably doesnt want to see you upset either. Want to show him how much you love him? Dont let her become a problem for you. She drives you nuts only because you LET her drive you nuts.

 

I understand the anxiety issues, but your anxiety issues are your own issues. Continue to go to therapy and learn to manage them. But dont blame her for your issues. Why get upset because she picked up her kids and played with them in the backyard? You should take inventory of every little thing she does that upsets you so greatly and really ask yourself why it bothers you? Are your frustrations in proportion to the situation? By you getting so upset, is that helping or harming your relationship with your bf? Is you getting so upset worth it?

 

She'll always be crazy. And he'll always be tied to her because they have children. You now have to decide if he's worth it? If he is, then dont become another burden for him. She's already one to many for him.

[TrustInYourself]

No you want respect. Take it. Run up on that bitch with a hammer. If she doesn't flinch smash her jaw.

[GPFan]

Are you financially self-sufficient? If so, move out until the divorce is final and everything is settled. Your relationship may be destroyed by his divorce if you remain in his home.

[carhill]

Are you financially self-sufficient? If so, move out until the divorce is final and everything is settled. Your relationship may be destroyed by his divorce if you remain in his home.

Considering the circumstances, I think this is the best all-around course of action. If the R is solid, it will continue.

 

My wife dealt with a similar issue (ex and kids) with her first husband. The stress and his method of self-medication doomed the M. We likely never would have met (she'd still be married to him) if it hadn't been for the ex-dynamic and his poor method of handling it.

 

Be careful....