my long term friend is acting like a boyfriend!

[4givrnt4gtr]

I am really REALLY irritated by this whole situation.

 

This guy and I have been friends for 4 years now. We met thru a program we belong to back in college, where we lived and worked together. He was my exs roommate and after our breakup he and I became really close. We've been thru break ups, hook up etc etc, helping each other out/listening to each others raves and rants since then.

Oftentimes ive wondered if he liked me. Sometimes he acts a bit too flirtatious, specially when drunk. Ive always decided he doesnt, and he's just a flirt (which he is) specially because he tells me all about other girls, so i mean, come on.

 

Anyway, lately we've both hit a bad patch. We both ended our long term relationships at about the same time. He had moved up north to be with the girl and now he decided to come back. Right after he came back we went to a party together and he was acting EXTRA flirtatious. He had also made some comments before that about how I dont know how many of my "guy friends" like me. Again tried to brush it off.

Then at this party, I was seeking attention, not only of him but also of a guy i had seen a few times in college. Nothing serious, I was just trying to heal a bruise ego after my break up.

Anyway the end of the night came and we both were pretty drunk. I took his keys cuz he wanted to drive and lay down on a mattress that was provided for whomever wanted to stay. NExt thing i know he jumped on me, I moved to the couch but he insisted i lay next to him. In my drunken state i agreed and he fell asleep holding me.

 

Later i woke up, less drunk and he was still holding me. I tried to move his arm and face the other way but he kept pulling me against him and ended up spooning. It was nice and I missed being held so I fell asleep like that. Reasoning we're such good friends, surely it was harmless

We later got up and left. It wasnt awkward, it was just whatever...two close friends, nothing more...so i thought.

 

He then call me and said he didnt remember the nite before and asked how he ended up in the bed. I joked that i had tried to rape him and he said that I should have tried harder...I laughed and said "never! lets not how about that" he got a bit serious and said "aw that sucks"

 

After that he called me again a few days later...somehow we got to joking about how I knew he liked me (JOKINGLY!!!!) and he got serious and although didnt say yes, he didnt deny it either. He just said "tell me whats so special about you that you'd be in my dreams". It was a weird thing...cant really explain it.

 

Anyway, so all this has been treaping me up....and THEN today...

He texts me at 730am asking me how i am. Then tells me he's been thinking about his ex and he couldnt sleep. I said I was sorry and that Ive been having a bit of a hard time too. Then I asked if he wanted to hang out. He asked if we could met up tomorrow but i have a previous engagement so I said that maybe sat.

He got all P** off, at first i thought he was kidding when he said "fine ill go drink alone then", so i responded with "oh please" and then asked if sat was cool. He goes "nah its ok, I just hard a weak moment, ill be cool". So I said then id be my turn to drink alone to what he responded "no, you will be with your "previous engagement" ".

 

That irritated the living bejesus out of me!!!!

 

I responded with "fine, whatever, Im not going to beg you" and that was it.

 

Im soooooooooo PISSED! what is UP with all that! Im sorry i cant accomodate him whenver he wants but MAN!

[lostboy11]

this is just my opinion... I think you two are already dating but just have not labeled it as such. He clearly gets jealous, is clearly attracted to you, gets pissed off when you don't accomodate his schedule etc. There is no question he likes you. If you feel the same you should just tell him. This thing will not end as just friends. Just my 2 cents.

[4givrnt4gtr]

this is just my opinion... I think you two are already dating but just have not labeled it as such. He clearly gets jealous, is clearly attracted to you, gets pissed off when you don't accomodate his schedule etc. There is no question he likes you. If you feel the same you should just tell him. This thing will not end as just friends. Just my 2 cents.

 

you mean im dating someone and I missed the memo? lol well that sucks.

I dont think so see? i dont think someone who wants to date me would tells me he misses another girl, or someone who tells me he likes this girl or that other girl and the things he does with them in detail.

I love the guy as a very close friend. He's fun and nice but not too much and even good looking. But i know too much to ever date him.

As you can see, his crazy mixed signals are getting dangerous...but its not like i can say "hey look we are just friends" since I dont even understand what he is doing.

I just cannot believe he got so mad that i couldnt see him tomorrow...i mean come on now! I didnt even had those issues with my ex!

Not really sure how to proceed with this fool

[carhill]

Another platonic friendship bites the dust

 

OP, you have a decision to make. Someone is going to have to be honest here. There's attraction oozing out of every pore. Don't mess it up by waffling back and forth. Trust me, I've made that mistake. Not pleasant...

[4givrnt4gtr]

Another platonic friendship bites the dust

 

OP, you have a decision to make. Someone is going to have to be honest here. There's attraction oozing out of every pore. Don't mess it up by waffling back and forth. Trust me, I've made that mistake. Not pleasant...

 

Ok, so how do I go about that? I dont want anything remotely romantic with him. At the same time I dont want to embarrase either him or myself assuming he wants something, even if its just rebound.

Just now he texted me acting like he had been joking and that he would try to meet up on Sat. I dont know if i want to anymore. I dont want to lose my friend!

[carhill]

You already have, if he's a good man and is attracted to you. Again, do not waffle. If you are not attracted to him, tell him and let him go. In time, he may resolve those feelings and return as a platonic friend.

 

I've been in that friend zone more than once (my own stupidity) and honestly I grew to resent the women involved. Not their fault at all, but the feelings were still there.

 

If you're clear with him, ask him to be clear with you. That's what friends do

[lostboy11]

yeah. You missed the memo. Too many sparks flying and spooning? Cmon now. He wants you in the worst way. He only mentions others to get a reaction.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well thats sad. How did i miss that? Well not really i just didnt want to believe it...i mean...he has girls literally throwing themselves at him! Why me?!

 

I was talking to my mom about this and she thinks he's looking for a rebound and I am right there...could be could be...

 

I guess Im gonna have to wear a shirt saying "off limits"

[4givrnt4gtr]

yeah. You missed the memo. Too many sparks flying and spooning? Cmon now. He wants you in the worst way. He only mentions others to get a reaction.

 

oh he doesnt mention, he goes into it with detail. I just laugh and often say TMI!!!!

But it's always been like that....so i never thought he liked me that way. And yeah he's had 3 girlfriends, one lasting 3 years after we met...so....

[lostboy11]

I think it's less a rebound if you know each other well which you do. It's more him realizing his true feelings for someone he already cares about. If he was only in it for the physical attraction he would go for a hooters girl and not you. Surely there is a strong emotional bond between the two of you which will make the physical interaction if and when it escalates, mean a lot more than just some random hookup.

[Sks]

Female friends are the products of failed BF/GF or attempted BF/GF relationships.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well...it escalated...

 

My friend and I went out with another friend on sat.

We had a few drinks and all hell broke lose. We started dancing very close and I realized I really wanted him to kiss me. (Actually i realized this at a party a few weeks ago but Ive been trying hard to deny it).

 

Anyway, we decided to leave the bar and go to my friend's house. We were being really flirtatious and I knew something was going to happen.

 

We got to my friend's house and he lay down in the sofa, asking me to join him and sleep cuddling like last time. I complied for a while but then decided I wasnt a place holder and went to the other sofa. He begged me to come back and somehow I did. Then I just couldnt take it anymore and started biting him in the arm, which then led to kissing.

We ended up having a very passionate make out session, which was interrupted several times by my conscience. I kept saying we couldnt do this, that i didnt want to lose him. Whenever I said stop he would immediately stop, which i really appreciated it.

After a while we moved to the bed and after more making out I just couldnt go on and walked out of the room. He came behind me and asked me not to leave.

We ended up talking about what was going on. Unfortunately I cant quite remember everything we said. I know he said he was attracted to me, that it wasnt a mistake and to please never think of us as a mistake. Some more things were said were we agreed to continue our friendship no matter what.

 

Afterwards we went back to bed, he wanted to cuddle again. I let him but once again i couldnt take it and started kissing him. He stopped me for a second saying he was confused. I dont remember what I said but we continued making out and were very very close to having sex. (We didnt...thank God).

Anyway, after we were done he lay back done and passed out, no more cuddling apparently. I was kinda annoyed by that, sorta felt like he got what he wanted so now the whole "lets cuddle" thing was just to get there.

I couldnt sleep well so a few hours later i got up to leave. He asked where i was going and seemed irritated that I would leave him alone there. He walked me close to my car and then we both left.

I texted him later apologizing for the drama and saying i had a good time. He texted me back saying there was no need for apology and he had a good time too.

 

After that we havent talked.

 

Now im confused as hell. I dont know what i want....actually I know we cant be together due to a lot of drama that I had going on with his roommate a few years ago. He also had some drama with my ex roommate/ex best friend, so bassically if we were to get together, oh lord. the drama. Even my best friend now says that she would be most definitely against something between us. (She knows him very well too) That it would just be all kinds of wrong. That and that I just know him too well and I know a relationship with him would be very volatile.

 

I just dont know where to go from here. Is it possible to just sorta pretend it didnt happen and go on as usual? Can a friendship survive something like this or is this always going to be hanging over our heads?

Its quite obvious to me now that i like him much more than i thought. I cant do the whole fwb thing, and ughhh this is very scary situation.

[carhill]

IMO, since no R or intimacy (as in sex) got off the ground, the unrequited feelings/attraction will always (at least for a long time) create tension. This is especially true, as a prior poster noted, if you've been close friends for awhile.

 

At some point, you'll (meaning you and he together) have to decide whether the drama is worth a shot at a satisfying R for yourselves. IMO, you shouldn't live your lives in the shadow of how "friends" (meaning your mutual friends) feel about things. How limiting....

 

Good luck!