I'm in love with my MM

[stillafool]

This is a 2nd post b/c everything that was posted before is gone. Again, here is the history on this...I started having an affair with a man that that my H & I have been family friends w/for 12 yrs. My H used to work with him. We always got together, but there was always this mutual connection with the MM & I. I never acted on it truly until last Labor Day when they came out to our camper. The MM & I did discuss fantasies about eachother prior to this. Well, after this initial makeout session, we were hooked. He started calling me & then I started calling him & we started meeting at parks & then it escalated into motel rooms every week. We also found time to meet on his way home from work, when his wife went to church on Sunday mornings, etc. He expressed to me in every phone conversation (which was about 10 a day) how miserable he was without me & he was crabby all the time. I was his perfect woman, & wondered how he could have married the person he did. He has been married for 24 years on the exact same date as my H&I 1st date...9/17/83. He is almost 9 yrs older than me.

We were having an affair for 6 mos & during this time, we were getting our families together atleast once a week to throw darts & play games, etc. It was a totally selfish move, but we needed to see eachother as much as possible. My H thought of this guy like a brother. We both felt guilty about this, but we couldn't stop. We both said that we never felt this way before, even when thing were new with with our spouses. It was very deep & intense on both ends. He said he was trying to piss his wife off, so she would leave, b/c they talked about divorce a bunch of times seriously before. When D-day came at the end of Feb., he totally dumped me. I was in complete & total shock after knowing what he expressed continously. He kept saying his kids would hate him (they are teenagers). Well, I am in hell. I feel like I can not breathe without him. I break out into tears all day. My husband wants to stay with with me after all this. I am amazed by this, but I have lost those feelings for him.

No matter what you all think, he didn't use me. He has never cheated before, & we agreed that we always really liked eachother. It has been over 3 mos since we have seen eachother & it is getting worse for me. I can not stop thinking about him. I have called him on his work phone & he just keeps saying his kids will hate him. He misses me & loves me, but alsol loves his wife. I just don't get this, b/c he was sick of her. She does not know how to have fun & he is a fun guy & very social. He said he was ready to simplify his life & wanted to be with me. He constantly expressed how miserable he was at home w/o me. This was confirmed with her when we got together, so I know it wasn't an act. He moaned & groaned all the time about it over the phone. He told me how much in love with me he was all the time. You don't risk your entire life over a good lay. He told me how jealous his wife was of me & it was obvious when we got together. WHY IS HE STAYING WITH HER? I told my H that I wanted the MM. He feels like he is 2nd choice & I don't blame him. What the **** is wrong with me, that I can't get over this? I am 38 yrs old & sexy, fun, hot, funny & I think like a guy. I am the perfect catch for him, especially b/c he is 47. What is wrong with him??? She is boring, fat, a holyroller, etc...all the things he complained about. I think she really scared him into financial things & more. I made contact with him recently & I was close to his work & he wouldn't see me b/c he said it would hurt too bad. He said he thinks about me all the time. I think he is settling for mediocrity & the idea that his kids wouldn't get over it. But if his feelings were as strong as mine, then that chance wouldn't matter, right?

 

 

This man lied to his wife and you think he won't lie to you???? He told you he loved you and wanted to leave his w for you but yet when she found out he threw you under the bus as most of them do.

 

He has told you he loves his w. His love for her runs deeper than his love for you. He like most of them thought he didn't want her anymore until he was faced with losing her. It really does have little to do with the kids but most MM use them as their excuse to stay. It doesn't matter that you are 9 years younger than him, big deal! He probably could screw someone 15 to 20 years younger than him but it doesn't mean he is going to leave his w for them. As far as risking his happy home to have an affair - well people do that all the time. The risk factor makes the affair more exciting. Sometimes when the affair is exposed that alone makes it less interesting. If I were you I would stop remembering the lies MM told you and look at the truth through his actions.

 

I would suggest you get over yourself and this affair and definitely divorce your poor husband and let him find someone worthy of his love.

[stillafool]

Oh my gosh, I am going to say for the last time. The people responding are the cheated on & the bitter. None of you are helping whatsoever. I am tired of being bashed by all of you & tired of being bashed by my H friends & family. NOBODY knows the torture & name calling my H has put me through over the years. There is nothing I can do to stop his verbal abuse, besides leave. I am not ready to do that yet. Of course I care about my marriage or I wouldn't still be here to suffer the abuse. All I was saying that I was shocked that she would still want to be with him, being a woman and all. That was not my total focus that you want to make it seem! I am done here, unless someone has something actually helpful to say. You are all bitter, nasty people and are not getting me at all. So **** ya!!! and goodnight!

 

 

If your h has been abusing you then leave. Isn't that what you were going to do if MM had left? Why are you willing to work on your M (you say) but you come here talking about how much you still love the MM? Still spending every waking hour thinking about another man? Do you think that your H doesn't feel your betrayal? I can't stand cowardice women who will use a man for his paycheck while sleeping around with anybody else who shows them a sign of attention. Wouldn't you be upset with your H if he had a woman who you considered to be like a sister only to find out she was having an affair with your H. Is he suppose to forget all the "nasty details" and be loving to your right now? No, you like all cheaters have to pay the price for your actions or move out and move on. You can bet the MM is having to pay a price for the filth he did with you and he is willing to pay it to stay with the woman he loves.

 

You are damn near 40 and sound like a 18 year old. You need to grow up, find a real job with benefits for you and your son and leave your poor, abused H before you end up a lonely old lady.

[Terminator]

Shellz, while you may complain about your H being verbally abusive, imo you are the one that is being emotionally abusive to HIM.

 

Would you not call having an A then expecting your H to just suck it up because it ended (only because the exOM dumped YOU) abusive to your H ?

 

Try growing up and actually take some action - if you are "not ready to leave yet" then stfu already (and I mean that in the most helpful way).

 

Actions speak louder than words and whining on a web forum about how badly done by you feel is just that, words

[whichwayisup]

You may not like the advice given to you because it's not what you want to hear, you think we're all rude, bitter, nasty etc.. Most have given you honest words and have taken the time to post. Sorry you feel this way and maybe it is best if you leave since you aren't getting any help that you feel you need.

 

Good luck though.

[silktricks]

So you all think it is okay for him to continually verbally abuse & torture me. Saying the same horrible things over & over again. He has a way of being so extra mean & has always been that way. Of course I know he is angry. But what he is doing is DAMAGING to him & me. It serves no purpose at all. When is that going to end? That is NOT healing, it is re-hashing. I realize that everyone of you who is responding are the ones that were cheated on. If he did this to me with my best friend, there would be no doubt in my mind that he would be gone. I really don't know why he would still want to be with me. Same with the MM & his W. I can't imagine her staying with him after this. Is everyone crazy in this world? Who would stay with their spouse after they had a torrid, passionate, totally in love 6 month affair with their best friend? With plans to leave everything & start a new life together?? It is a shame that I am not getting the other side of the story. This is what has been so frustrating about this site. It seems to be one sided.

 

First, re-hashing is part of the healing process.

 

From an on-lookers perspective of what you've been posting - especially what you have posted here - it does not sound like you actually want to fix your marriage. Why don't you just tell your husband that. Let him get on with his life - hopefully with someone who appreciates him. Why don't you get on with your life, too.

 

Just out of curiousity, what is the other side of the story that you are expecting (or at least wanting) to get?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have shown him nothing but love & trying to reconcile. My husband has not been a saint. That is part of the reason I did what I did. I know I am totally at fault here, but he told me that took responsibility in this whole thing.

 

It's a sad little world you live in, because it starts and ends with you. That must leave you feeling lonely.

 

Oh my gosh, I am going to say for the last time. The people responding are the cheated on & the bitter. None of you are helping whatsoever. I am tired of being bashed by all of you & tired of being bashed by my H friends & family. NOBODY knows the torture & name calling my H has put me through over the years.

 

I wish I had something helpful to say.

 

Honestly when 30+ people are telling you the truth and your too selfish and dumb to realize it... what more can be said.

 

It's best you go be stupid somewhere else.

[cyabye]

I know how your husband is feeling. I felt that way and acted the same way on occassion (when she would do the same ole' stupid things over and over again). He deserves better. He will NEVER think or look at you the same again. I know, I tried. The best thing my STBX did for me was leave me even though it hurt me very much because she didn't even consider a therapist, marriage counseling etc. She just left. Like she always does. But she leaves the door open and starts to string me along. I had to set boundaries for myself. For the sake of my sanity.

 

Most of our fighting was done in front of the children and I told her aweful things that I regret. I am ashamed of my actions. I am only human and my angry emotions were out of control. Xanax did not help the situation. I am now learning to control my emotions (no meds). I had to be away from her to do that. She came to the conclusion that I would not change my angry ways or get over the past (w/o counseling she was right)and she and the kids should not suffer for that. She was right. It was not just the past I was dealing with.

 

I was constantly fixing all the things she'd mess up (money etc.). I found out 4 mo after she left she was talking to another man again (while we were together). Confiding in him etc. aka EA. I acknowlege that I was a verbally abusive husband (frustrated as I could not get through to her). But she was emotionally abusive on so many levels. I had every right to be p#ssed.

 

I was told how long will this take? etc. etc. I still haven't healed and we 've been separated for 6 mo now. I will not go back to her. I had to deal with multiple affairs. I found out about them all at once. I was her doormat. Her fall back guy and she would string me along as long as I was willing to bite.

 

She of course blamed me for EVERYTHING including the affairs. I wish I wasn't verbally abusive to her in front of my kids and I wish I was strong enough to leave her but I couldn't do it because of the kids. I still wanted my marriage to work. I still loved her. But things were never the same. When I would verbally abuse her I wanted her to feel the hurt I was feeling. The pain that she caused. In the end, it's NOT even worth it. Till this day she will lie. I really wish things were different but they are NOT and I have to embrace that and overcome it.

 

Sorry for the long post. This is the most I've said about my situation since I've been here. Now do yourself, husband and child a favor and leave. This will save him and your child years of underserved heart ache and anguish due to your affair. I wish I knew then what I know now.

 

C'YA BYE!

[Shellz]

Ok, Soda you are an a-hole & that is all I have to say about you! My husband IS a verbal & an emotional abuser & he is always has been. There is something to be said about NOT being high school sweethearts!

We haven't fought in front of our son. By accident maybe a couple of times, but the most part is happy family together.

To cyabye: I feel so badly for what you have to do endure. I am not a multiple cheater. Me & I MM always had a strong mutual attraction to eachother. He caved way too quickly b/c he was in a serious rut & didn't know it. I know my H is hurting so badly & I don't think he will recover from that. I am willing to go to counseling to try to figure it out. However, I don't think that will help. He is so hung up on it & I can understand that. It it was the reverse situation, I would not be able to get over it by any means. I really do feel sorry & wish it would never had happened.

On the other hand, I still am in love with the OM & he said he feels the same about me. But he is committed to his marriage and does not want to leave that. I feel like he is doing himself a real injustice by thinking that way. We all have only one life to live & why live a life of regret? And yes, I know you are all thinking I am using my H for financial security, but so does a lot of others! I think that is one big factor for my OM in this. I plan on asking him a series of questions to actually get to the bottom of his feelings & will report to you the answers. I realize that it doesn't really matter, but I have to do it anyways.

I do know that my H deserves better than this. But if I can get past this, then maybe he can too. I know that my H is better than the OM, but it doesn't change the passion we had together & don't think that would die anytime quickly. I know that I need to deal with my H hurts & I do want to, but he is just making it almost impossible. The horrible things he is still saying after 5 months. WHen is that going to end?

[Nevermind]

I do know that my H deserves better than this. But if I can get past this, then maybe he can too.

 

1. Maybe he can. You cannot compare your pain to his.

2. You're not past this. You still have contact + cravings for your OM.

3. He should get past this, past this marriage. You openly admit that you're using your husband for financial reasons.

[GPFan]

I do know that my H deserves better than this. But if I can get past this, then maybe he can too.

Problem is you, yourself, aren't past this. Conventional wisdom is that it takes at least 2-years for a marriage to heal from infidelity. Your marriage hasn't had an opportunity to even begin healing yet.

 

 

 

I know that my H is better than the OM, but it doesn't change the passion we had together & don't think that would die anytime quickly. I know that I need to deal with my H hurts & I do want to, but he is just making it almost impossible. The horrible things he is still saying after 5 months. WHen is that going to end?

I am sorry your MM didn't save you from your horrible marriage. You will have to save yourself.

[bentnotbroken]

Ok, Soda you are an a-hole & that is all I have to say about you! My husband IS a verbal & an emotional abuser & he is always has been. There is something to be said about NOT being high school sweethearts!

We haven't fought in front of our son. By accident maybe a couple of times, but the most part is happy family together.

To cyabye: I feel so badly for what you have to do endure. I am not a multiple cheater. Me & I MM always had a strong mutual attraction to eachother. He caved way too quickly b/c he was in a serious rut & didn't know it. I know my H is hurting so badly & I don't think he will recover from that. I am willing to go to counseling to try to figure it out. However, I don't think that will help. He is so hung up on it & I can understand that. It it was the reverse situation, I would not be able to get over it by any means. I really do feel sorry & wish it would never had happened.

On the other hand, I still am in love with the OM & he said he feels the same about me. But he is committed to his marriage and does not want to leave that. I feel like he is doing himself a real injustice by thinking that way. We all have only one life to live & why live a life of regret? And yes, I know you are all thinking I am using my H for financial security, but so does a lot of others! I think that is one big factor for my OM in this. I plan on asking him a series of questions to actually get to the bottom of his feelings & will report to you the answers. I realize that it doesn't really matter, but I have to do it anyways.

I do know that my H deserves better than this. But if I can get past this, then maybe he can too. I know that my H is better than the OM, but it doesn't change the passion we had together & don't think that would die anytime quickly. I know that I need to deal with my H hurts & I do want to, but he is just making it almost impossible. The horrible things he is still saying after 5 months. WHen is that going to end?

 

 

 

When he is allowed to be with someone who truly loves him. He is with a woman who has decided to continue to hurt him and then blame him for not getting over it in 5 months. You say you have gotten over it. Gotten over what? Treating your H like crap. Cause you sure as heck not getting over the MM who is with his family.

 

So because someone else does something wrong, like using someone they don't love, it is okay you do it too, right. Gonna rob a bank anytime soon, you know others do that too. How about stalking mm wife, others do that too. What you are saying makes no sense. All you do is say "I". I don't think counseling will help. I am going to ask some questions of MM. If I can get past it so can he:eek: I feel like he is doing himself a injustice.

 

And the ridiculous notion that your child doesn't feel the tension tells how much you are so wrapped up in yourself. Just because you say you don't fight in front of your child, doesn't mean they don't know something isn't right and hold themselves responsible for it. Come on, get a grip on yourself, stop being led around by your feelings. Learn some empathy for the other people in your life.

[GreenX]

Me & I MM always had a strong mutual attraction to eachother. He caved way too quickly b/c he was in a serious rut & didn't know it.

First problem.

If you were so unhappy with your husband and your MM was also unhappy with his wife then you both should have left your marriages long before your affair took place.

 

The transition would have been much more smoother and acceptable for all parties involved.

 

Yet, it didn't unfold this way. Instead, you and your MM hid behind both of your families playing 'lovey-dovey' to one another when you both knew (I assume) that this indeed was wrong.

 

I know my H is hurting so badly & I don't think he will recover from that.

Are you giving him a chance? You have to understand that if the roles were reversed you'd be feeling betrayed as well, no?

 

You told him yourself that you are still in love with the MM, no?

 

So, how, knowing that you feel this way about someone other than your H do you expect him to just "forget about it"?

 

I am willing to go to counseling to try to figure it out.

What is stopping you? Even if he doesn't go to counseling with you can you not go on your own to help yourself? I think, regardless of the outcome, IC would be very benifical to you.

 

However, I don't think that will help.

And you know this for fact? How can you say that when you haven't tried it? Obviously whatever you're doing right now isn't working so why not try something new that may?

 

He is so hung up on it & I can understand that. It it was the reverse situation, I would not be able to get over it by any means.

You can't understand why he is so hung up on it yet in your next sentence you said yourself that you would not be able to get over it by any means. So, in reading this, I assume that you can somewhat understand why your husband is feeling and apparently is still feeling this way?

 

I really do feel sorry & wish it would never had happened.

On the other hand, I still am in love with the OM & he said he feels the same about me.

Having said this (all in one breath mind you) - why again are you trying to stay in your marriage? Think really hard. Your 'true' reasoning. You have made it very clear through this entire thread that you a)love your husband but not in a 'marriage' way, moreso as a friend/roomie, b)are in love with the MM, c)if the MM would just leave his 'old' life and begin a new one with you it'd not be given a second thought for you to just up-root yourself and leave...

 

But he is committed to his marriage and does not want to leave that. I feel like he is doing himself a real injustice by thinking that way. We all have only one life to live & why live a life of regret?

"You" feel that he is doing a real injustice to himself. Not only are you thinking for your husband, but now you're thinking for your MM. Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

 

Clearly the MM decided to stay and work things out - regardless of the reasoning. I highly doubt that his wife held a gun to his head and said this is how it will be. People break up every day, it's a way of life for many. If he really wanted to go, he would have. Now, for whatever reason, being his own or his families, he sacraficed his 'love' for you to remain civil with his children. He cares about the wellbeing for his kids. He, after the fact of the affair decided to put his kids priorities and feelings before his own. You'd think one would be praised for that. Was it the right move? Who knows, only he and his family will know.

 

You need to worry about you and your family before you can worry about anyone else.

 

And yes, I know you are all thinking I am using my H for financial security, but so does a lot of others!

Well when you word it that way...

Seriously, that is pretty shallow. Just because others treat people a certain way it doesn't mean it is right. i.e., your husband verbally abuses you. Because other people get abused every day of their lives does it make it right?

 

I didn't think so.

 

I think that is one big factor for my OM in this. I plan on asking him a series of questions to actually get to the bottom of his feelings & will report to you the answers. I realize that it doesn't really matter, but I have to do it anyways.

So you plan on contacting the MM again? He didn't make it clear enough to you the last time you spoke with him that he was doing what he had to do for his family and that unfortunately that didn't include you.. didn't get his point across then? You need to keep hounding him, pushing him, asking questions.. you need to stop.

 

If.. there is any future for you and your 'soulmate', do you not feel that you should allow him the time he needs to do whatever he has to do, no matter how long it takes him, without you bugging him every inch of the way? He, just as much as you, needs to realize and figure out on his own what he wants in life and who he wants to spend it with.

 

Many years of life can not be easily brushed underneath the door mat and a new beginning take over. It doesn't work that way. It takes time - it isn't as simple as your late night 'Lifetime' movie.

 

 

I do know that my H deserves better than this.

Then do what is right and let him go. If he deserves better than why not let him begin that process and set him free?

 

But if I can get past this, then maybe he can too.

How can you get past this when you are still contacting the MM and telling him how much you love/miss him? You yourself said that you're still in love with him.

 

 

I know that my H is better than the OM, but it doesn't change the passion we had together & don't think that would die anytime quickly.

So you're admitting that this was just a 'sex/fling' thing? So you and the MM really weren't meant to be aka soulmates? Interesting..

 

I know that I need to deal with my H hurts & I do want to, but he is just making it almost impossible. The horrible things he is still saying after 5 months. WHen is that going to end?

It will take a long time to end. He needs to heal. In order for him to heal and get passed what happened he needs your 100% attention/love/support if you choose to stay with him and help him in the process.

 

When you have these 'thoughts' of the MM you're still not being truely faithful to your husband. Even if you do not 'speak' these things to him I am sure he can sense them.

 

You say that you know so much about your MM for being friends with him for so many years, think about how much your husband knows about you having been married to you, sleeping in the same bed as you, sharing a child with you, up's and downs of every-day life.. He may not hear your heart, but I'm sure it bleeds like an alcoholics skin reaks of booze after a weekend of partying. Your husband knows. He isn't stupid/blind. You're a fool to think he believes you're 100% invested in saving your marriage.

 

You need to make some vast changes if you want your husband/marriage to heal.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Me & I MM always had a strong mutual attraction to eachother. He caved way too quickly b/c he was in a serious rut & didn't know it. I know my H is hurting so badly & I don't think he will recover from that. I am willing to go to counseling to try to figure it out. However, I don't think that will help. He is so hung up on it & I can understand that. It it was the reverse situation, I would not be able to get over it by any means. I really do feel sorry & wish it would never had happened.

 

You need to stop posting on this board and instead send your Husband here for advice!

 

On the other hand, I still am in love with the OM & he said he feels the same about me. But he is committed to his marriage and does not want to leave that.

 

Doesn't that tell you something? That says everything about how he sees you!

 

Your good enough for _____, but not good enough for ______.

 

I feel like he is doing himself a real injustice by thinking that way. We all have only one life to live & why live a life of regret?

 

Only you will be left with regrets.

 

And yes, I know you are all thinking I am using my H for financial security, but so does a lot of others! I think that is one big factor for my OM in this. I plan on asking him a series of questions to actually get to the bottom of his feelings & will report to you the answers. I realize that it doesn't really matter, but I have to do it anyways.

 

You are an emotional abuser, a financial user, and full of lies! Your not the victim here... !

 

You already know what this OM thinks of you. Go ahead and ask your questions. It won't give you the answers you seek, because you will only hear what you want to hear.

 

I do know that my H deserves better than this. But if I can get past this, then maybe he can too.

 

Ughh... your so selfishly smug that it's downright evil!

 

I know that my H is better than the OM, but it doesn't change the passion we had together & don't think that would die anytime quickly. I know that I need to deal with my H hurts & I do want to, but he is just making it almost impossible. The horrible things he is still saying after 5 months. WHen is that going to end?

 

IT WILL END WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND AND CARE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS!

 

You said you would go away... yet your still here! I hope your just making all this crap up for attention.

[Tomcat33]

Hey Shellz don't be so hard on yourself you are definitely not the only one doing this, there are many many people who stay in marriages for the exact same reason as you do, you just have the balz to admit it.

 

In what I have read here it sound like you have been abused beyond your own judgment and in some way the dynamic that had developed between you and your H is that of you wanting to get something out of him for the pain he was put you through. I get it, I am not saying you couldn't do things better, much better, but it's the reality of the weardown you have been put through. I have seen this pattern before.

 

I just wish you had the strength you put your foot down and find true happiness for yourself, because this pattern you are in is just not going going to have a happy ending.

 

 

Originally Posted by Shellz

And yes, I know you are all thinking I am using my H for financial security, but so does a lot of others! I think that is one big factor for my OM in this. I plan on asking him a series of questions to actually get to the bottom of his feelings & will report to you the answers. I realize that it doesn't really matter, but I have to do it anyways.

[Tomcat33]

So you all think it is okay for him to continually verbally abuse & torture me. Saying the same horrible things over & over again. He has a way of being so extra mean & has always been that way. Of course I know he is angry. But what he is doing is DAMAGING to him & me. It serves no purpose at all. When is that going to end? That is NOT healing, it is re-hashing. I realize that everyone of you who is responding are the ones that were cheated on. If he did this to me with my best friend, there would be no doubt in my mind that he would be gone. I really don't know why he would still want to be with me. Same with the MM & his W. I can't imagine her staying with him after this. Is everyone crazy in this world? Who would stay with their spouse after they had a torrid, passionate, totally in love 6 month affair with their best friend? With plans to leave everything & start a new life together?? It is a shame that I am not getting the other side of the story. This is what has been so frustrating about this site. It seems to be one sided.

 

It looks like he is keeping you around to torture you not to recover.

 

Why are you staying?

[Lookingforward]

Shellz, it's not only the cheated on that are responding to you, much as you might like to believe that.

 

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is get into some IC, one to figure out just why you are willing to stay in an abusive relationship and two why you can't just let the MM go.

 

He has already made it clear to you what he wants to do - if he changes his mind down the road about continuing in his M your keeping after him is only going to ensure that when he leaves it won't be to come to you.

[Tomcat33]

That was an extremely nasty message. You must be very bitter!! Of course I have more to offer. I was just stating the obvious things that he made comparisons to. He also said I was sweet, caring, loving & made him feel like he never felt before. Not even when they first started dating. Now you all have to keep in mind that I have known him for 12 yrs very closely. It's not like I met him in a bar one night. I KNOW him & his history. He complained about his W all the time to my H when they worked together. My H used to tell me all the time. He was content, but not happy. You are all bashing me pretty badly. What makes you think that he isn't thinking the same things I am, but just not posting it??? B/c his wife is watching every move he makes closely. What makes you think that he wasn't an escape for me? And then deep feelings developed on both sides. I know he was crabby all the time, b/c his wife told me! She said he wasn't doing anything around the house which co-incided with what he told me. He said he couldn't get anything done b/c all he could think about was me. I do believe him, b/c I had the details from his W!! WHY am I the bad guy & hot him?? Who is to say that he isn't settling for security in his marriage, but is still thinking about me? He told me a few days ago that he thinks about me all the time. Security is a big issue, it is part of why I don't want a divorce. I do love my husband, but not like that. We have a nearly 6 yr. old who is spectacular & super smart. So I am trying as hard as I can to try & hopefully get those feelings back for my H. BUT, in the meantime I am totally lost w/o my lover & am miserable. It is so easy for you to judge, but if you haven't been in a similar situation, you really can't. I am extremely frustrated by these posts!

 

Shellz it is very possible he is settling for security and to avoid the hassle of starting over again, you won't hear it from certain people here they cling to the idea that marriage is sacred even after they have been stabbed in the back in the worst possible way they have the illusion that love is prevalent no matter what. There is this tendency to completely dismiss a WS could stay in a marriage for superficial reasons.

Don't expect anyone to side with you on that because most won't.

 

BUT the reality is it does happen regardless of what the masses try to tell you here. Life is filled with many realities that fall outside of the normal way of thinking and people dismiss these realities because it is not the norm.

 

A good friend of mine D his W 5 yrs ago and his ex and new fiance and himself are buying a home together with two seperate apartments so that they could share the child custody under the same roof, and my friend was cheated on by this woman. As much as he should HATE his W he doesn't, he stopped loving her after she cheated and had enough dignity to get out of that relationship and they moved on in their lives but their dedication to their child is intact regardless of everything that went down. Also he actually really likes her new partner and feels happy that she is happy with him. Their arrangement works and they are all happy together. And anyone who will tell you this DOES NOT exist, this is weird there is something fishy going on here.... NO, THERE ISN'T. People are closed minded, have narrow views and always have an opinion of the world and cannot expand beyond what they only know. So don't let what you read here get to you it is not about you it is about themselves.

 

Having said all that, your MM chose to stay in his marriage for whatever reason and you must respect his wishes for your own good for your own dignity and for your own sanity. I wish you strength to do what you need to do.

[Owl]

There is this tendency to completely dismiss a WS could stay in a marriage for superficial reasons.

 

Actually, I think that the vast majority of the responders to this thread have all completely agreed...Shellz is CLEARLY staying in this marriage for entirely superficial reasons.

 

They're just not congratulating her on it.

 

Having said all that, your MM chose to stay in his marriage for whatever reason

 

And this is the key thing that Shellz needs to focus on...

 

He's no longer with her. She's left to deal with all she's got left...her marriage. And what everyone here keeps prodding is for her to DO SOMETHING with that marriage...either end it, or fix it.

 

But sitting there in the middle of those two choices, pining about the loss of your OM and complaining about your H isn't going to SOLVE anything.

 

If you want things to get better...CHANGE something to make them better.

[Tomcat33]

Actually, I think that the vast majority of the responders to this thread have all completely agreed...Shellz is CLEARLY staying in this marriage for entirely superficial reasons.

 

 

Well that's what you see, what I see is her getting bashed for her choice. She hasn't been given room to explore her emotions even bad ones that are clearly not going to sit well with people but they ARE her emotions at this time. Some people are too busy gettting emotional about her admissions...the usual really...

[Owl]

I'd agree with you if this were the only place she could explore her emotions.

 

But its not. Her time on LS is only a teensy fraction of the time available for her to sort through this.

 

She's not trying to sort through her emotions. She's displayed them pretty clearly from the very beginning.

 

What's left to sort through? Other than..."what do I do from here?" ?

[Tomcat33]

I'd agree with you if this were the only place she could explore her emotions.

 

But its not. Her time on LS is only a teensy fraction of the time available for her to sort through this.

 

She's not trying to sort through her emotions. She's displayed them pretty clearly from the very beginning.

 

What's left to sort through? Other than..."what do I do from here?" ?

 

 

Right so bring on the bashing because you decided this is NOT her only place to explore her inner most emotions?!!?

 

Who's to say this is not the only place she can be totally honest with what she is feeling? I sure wouldn't have the arrogance to say that because I don't know enough about Shellz's life and situation. But I do see she is being very candid here despite the massive resistance so there is clearly a huge need to open up and even if it it just acting as a form of catharsis to document what she is feeling, she clearly has the need to purge.

 

Again that is my perception.

[bentnotbroken]

It's good she makes admissions. But maybe she should be making them to her H so that he knows exactly what he is dealing with. She already knows(she says)that he is abusive verbally and emotionally(not healthy for either of them, especially the child)and that he didn't scratch whatever itch she had. But does he know that she wonders why the MM went home, why his wife took him back and how he could forget their "passion"? Probably not.

[Tomcat33]

It's good she makes admissions. But maybe she should be making them to her H so that he knows exactly what he is dealing with. She already knows(she says)that he is abusive verbally and emotionally(not healthy for either of them, especially the child)and that he didn't scratch whatever itch she had. But does he know that she wonders why the MM went home, why his wife took him back and how he could forget their "passion"? Probably not.

 

 

I totally agree with you.

 

Let's just suppose for a second and let's just play role reversals for a moment.

 

Let's say you (you or me or anyone when I say "you") were with someone that was abusive towards you and your child do you think you would have the strength to do what is right for you? Or do you think that after years of that kind of weardown from your partner your strength to act in a way that is best for you might not be extinct? And if you had allowed yourself to fall in love with someone else do you think you would want to turn to the person that has eaten away at your self esteem and tell them that you have stabbed them in the back? Or would you be terrified to do something like that?

 

I would guess you would be terrified to expose something like this . Being in a relationship with someone that is abusive can be very damaging and more often than not those who abuse are not people you can reason with so what are your options really? And what if you really wanted out of a relationship with that person that has taken your everything away, what would you have to fuel that strength to make a move to make a significant change? Not a heck of lot I would think.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Look shellz either crap or get off the toilet all this drama is really so high school. Oh no your in love with the OM your confused oh no.

Give me a break. you know what your doing. The OM cares nothing about you.

 

So good luck on husband number 3 because if my wife did this & continued to do it I would be gone by my own hand!

[Lookingforward]

TC, what you said would make sense, except for one thing. She isn't so afraid that she wouldn't leave if MM left his wife. TC, she talked a lot about verbal and emotional abuse. I happen to know a great deal about that, I lived it for years. I can only go on what she writes. She says they don't fight in front of their child(not sure about that), she also said that he was hurting. She really isn't afraid of him. You have been here long enough that you can tell when someone is really fearful. I realize you are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, as you should. But please realize that support does come any many forms. Sometimes it isn't what you want to hear.

 

She has the strength to continue to pursue MM, she has the strength to leave.

 

You said in one of your previous posts, this isn't going to end well at all. She can control how soon she walks away from any added hurt and pain, for all involved.

 

It's been pretty obvious from her posts that if the MM told her he was leaving his W she'd be out of her M in a NY minute........