I'm in love with my MM

[Owl]

Bottom line is this...if the H is abusive...she should divorce, or she should work on fixing the marriage situation overall. She should either start the process to end the abuse and get the marriage on the right track...or she should file for divorce and leave her H.

 

She's doing NEITHER.

 

And...OM doesn't fit ANYWHERE in this picture going forward, given where he's at in his OWN marriage.

 

What's left to fight about?

[whichwayisup]

Good post Owl. And I'll just add I hope Shellz get counselling to help her get strong again and find herself.

[Darth Vader]

I don't know, what the eventual outcome will be, but she will realize sometime in the future, that she screwed up royally and hurt others in the process.

 

 

The scary thing is, I don't think she'll ever come to the full realization of what she's done!

[Darth Vader]

TC, Have you ever been in an abusive R? I guess I didnt look at if there are levels in abuse... To me abuse was abuse.. On the days I gt my azzs beat or on the days I got curse out, On the days I got ignored, or on the days I got locked up in the house, or on the days I was timed of how many minutes I was able to visit a friend, On the days I was insulted in front of people, On the days he held me under the sink to wash off my makeup, and the day he held me hostage with a knife under my throat.... It was all abuse. I really never looked at it as it had levels, like oh, today is not so bad , he only called me names... I was scared, everyday.. I kept my feelings and thoughts inside. Rather have died then to utter a word... This is the fear you have in an abusive R... I left in the middle of the night, hoped on a plane and flew across an ocean to get away.. My point is TC, that women who are really abused, have little or no control over thier life till they do leave/run. So given all that I have gone through, I picture myself meeting my prince charming while I am still in the AR, there would have been no way.... no way that I would have even noticed him, and there would have been no way I would have even had the courage to follow my heart... even if I wanted to.. out of fear. But then again as you say there are different levels of abuse...

 

 

Was he ever brought to Justice? Or is he still looking for you?

[Mino]

This was over twenty years ago... justice, he lives alone, has a sad hard life, always a struggle.. I wish him well...have forgiven and moved on.

[Darth Vader]

This was over twenty years ago... justice, he lives alone, has a sad hard life, always a struggle.. I wish him well...have forgiven and moved on.

 

 

It's good that Justice was served. I hope at least he got help, I've heard that people like that went through something to become what they became. But, that didn't give them the right or justification to do what they did to others, pretty much like cheaters do. Good for you as far as forgiving and moving on. I hope you have gotten the help you need as well..........

[White Flower]

That was an extremely nasty message. You must be very bitter!! Of course I have more to offer. I was just stating the obvious things that he made comparisons to. He also said I was sweet, caring, loving & made him feel like he never felt before. Not even when they first started dating. Now you all have to keep in mind that I have known him for 12 yrs very closely. It's not like I met him in a bar one night. I KNOW him & his history. He complained about his W all the time to my H when they worked together. My H used to tell me all the time. He was content, but not happy. You are all bashing me pretty badly. What makes you think that he isn't thinking the same things I am, but just not posting it??? B/c his wife is watching every move he makes closely. What makes you think that he wasn't an escape for me? And then deep feelings developed on both sides. I know he was crabby all the time, b/c his wife told me! She said he wasn't doing anything around the house which co-incided with what he told me. He said he couldn't get anything done b/c all he could think about was me. I do believe him, b/c I had the details from his W!! WHY am I the bad guy & hot him?? Who is to say that he isn't settling for security in his marriage, but is still thinking about me? He told me a few days ago that he thinks about me all the time. Security is a big issue, it is part of why I don't want a divorce. I do love my husband, but not like that. We have a nearly 6 yr. old who is spectacular & super smart. So I am trying as hard as I can to try & hopefully get those feelings back for my H. BUT, in the meantime I am totally lost w/o my lover & am miserable. It is so easy for you to judge, but if you haven't been in a similar situation, you really can't. I am extremely frustrated by these posts!

Hi Shellz, welcome to the boards.

 

I've only read page one, but wanted to comment on this. I will catch up on this very interesting thread later I promise; it is very interesting!

 

The part I bolded will make some people laugh. Why? Because there are people in this world who are excellent actors. I'm not saying he wasn't/isn't in love with you, but I am saying he probably always knew that he wouldn't leave her for you.

 

I know someone who had an affair with a woman for over 20 years. To this day he is still close with her although it is no longer PA. To this day, she does not know he was also cheating on her and his wife with her best friend. The best friend knows about all of it. The wife doesn't know about any of it. It is a cruel world. Trust me, get over this guy now.

 

Again, he may have loved you and I won't argue with that. But deep down he always knew he would never leave. He needed you to make the marriage better.

 

Oh, and my exMM would complain just about the opposite. His W with the perfect body....he was tired of feeling her bones and prefered my soft voluptuousness. Whatever works...

[White Flower]

Sometimes people who have been hurt, have been in therapy and have studied this issue extensively / are on the road to recovery have really great perspective. And are realistic about what's going on.

 

I just urge any of you OW who are waiting in the wings to focus on actions vs. words. If your MM truly loves you and is committed to you, wild horses won't keep him from leaving his fat slobby wife, his beautiful trophy wife, his wild teenage kids, his 17-year-old beauty queen honors student, his 7-year-old, his newborn, etc. NOTHING will keep him away from true love. Not all the money in the world.

 

Remember: Actions. Not words. True actions of commitment. Not sneaking around like a coward, hiding the relationship and giving you sloppy seconds, with drivel about how awful, fat, boring and holy-rollering the wife is. 99 percent of the time he is feeding you lines and cake-eating. Don't fall for it. 99 percent of the time they are getting sex at home AND with you, even if they claim the marriage bed is drier than the Sahara. That is almost universally a lie.

 

These people follow a script, almost to a "T" -- almost 99 percent of the time.

 

You all deserve better. Really, you do. If your MM leaves his wife for you, then fine. I hope it works out and that he doesn't eventually ditch you for another OW.

 

If he's enjoying the comfort of home, enjoying the comfort of a feeder-and-breeder wife, enjoying financial security related to marriage, and double-dipping his wick (and most of the time he is, even if he tells you otherwise), then think again.

 

Actions.

Excellent post! Now that I have stepped away and seen the A for what it really was I totally agree with all of this.

 

If you are looking for a monogomous commitment, this is great advice. If you are looking for a FWB, then have the A but understand that most don't leave for the OW. IMO, it appears most MM need the attention the woman in love gives him and the woman in love gets hurt when he doesn't reward that with marriage or at least a life together.

 

Don't fall in love with a MM!

[NoIDidn't]

I know someone who had an affair with a woman for over 20 years. To this day he is still close with her although it is no longer PA. To this day, she does not know he was also cheating on her and his wife with her best friend. The best friend knows about all of it. The wife doesn't know about any of it. It is a cruel world. Trust me, get over this guy now.

 

 

Oh, I agree. I know of a situation like this too, just not as long. The guy even has a child with the 'all-knowing' OW that his W doesn't know is his.

 

And, the whole complaining to others about the W (or H for that matter), may be true, but will be used after dday to say 'see, see how horrible she is'. So the complaining can serve a double duty in a sense.

[Shellz]

no my husband has never hit me, but the horrible name calling & going back describing the events of the A in his own horrible way has been devasting. It has been almost 6 mos since d-day & it is not getting any better. It has been one horrible night after the other pretty much, especially when alcohol is involved. Even without beer, he is always making comments. He is still living there and I am trying not to. He is making difficult for me to not live there.

He has always verbally abused me off & on. I believe that was my primary reason for the affair. My MM & I always had a serious attraction to eachother & when he gave me the attention that I wasn't getting it developed into a full blown affair. It is no excuse I know. But those are the facts. I would love to have the feelings for my husband that I used to have. I don't know it it is possible after the incredible feelings I have had & have for the MM. That is all I am saying.

[bentnotbroken]

no my husband has never hit me, but the horrible name calling & going back describing the events of the A in his own horrible way has been devasting. It has been almost 6 mos since d-day & it is not getting any better. It has been one horrible night after the other pretty much, especially when alcohol is involved. Even without beer, he is always making comments. He is still living there and I am trying not to. He is making difficult for me to not live there.

He has always verbally abused me off & on. I believe that was my primary reason for the affair. My MM & I always had a serious attraction to eachother & when he gave me the attention that I wasn't getting it developed into a full blown affair. It is no excuse I know. But those are the facts. I would love to have the feelings for my husband that I used to have. I don't know it it is possible after the incredible feelings I have had & have for the MM. That is all I am saying.

 

 

 

Most counselors say it can take as long as 3-5 years to move beyond the pain of an A. And you want your H to move on in a microwave minute. You had the A longer than 6 months(EA & PA), so why should he have less time to get past his anger and pain? Your H deserves to go through his healing for how ever long it takes. And if you think you are trying to move from that place, you are lying to yourself. You know the "incredible feelings you had & have for the MM". That sounds like you are still living there .

[soda]

no my husband has never hit me, but the horrible name calling & going back describing the events of the A in his own horrible way has been devasting. It has been almost 6 mos since d-day & it is not getting any better.

 

What are YOU doing to improve the marriage? What actions are YOU taking?

 

It seems like all you've done here is whine and lament the end of your affair and blame it on your H.

 

This behavior won't improve your marriage. You must take active steps to work on your marriage if you want things to get better. So far, you've offered no evidence that you're doing anything to work on the marriage.

 

Until you decide to do so, nothing will change.

[soda]

She isn't afraid of her H. She is afraid of being a responsible, mature adult who will have to pay her own way in the world. She is afraid to face her own mess and to leave a safety net for the unknown. She is afraid to face that MM chose his family for whatever reason over her. That is the sum total of her fears.

 

Bingo. My thoughts exactly.

[Owl]

What are YOU doing to improve the marriage? What actions are YOU taking?

 

It seems like all you've done here is whine and lament the end of your affair and blame it on your H.

 

This behavior won't improve your marriage. You must take active steps to work on your marriage if you want things to get better. So far, you've offered no evidence that you're doing anything to work on the marriage.

 

Until you decide to do so, nothing will change.

 

This I agree with completely.

 

What are you doing to change the situation?

 

What is your H doing to recover the marriage?

 

Counseling? Therapy?

 

Either of you can INSIST that the both of you go as a boundary in your marital recovery. Have you insisted that the two of you go to marriage counseling to work through this?

[whichwayisup]

It has been almost 6 mos since d-day & it is not getting any better.

 

Until you decide what you want 100%, only then it'll change. If you don't want to let go of MM and what you feel for him, close the door forever - Then your marriage and what you feel for your husband will never work out in the long run.

 

Please get some one on one counselling to help you let go of the MM. The choice is yours.

[silktricks]

no my husband has never hit me, but the horrible name calling & going back describing the events of the A in his own horrible way has been devasting. It has been almost 6 mos since d-day & it is not getting any better. It has been one horrible night after the other pretty much, especially when alcohol is involved. Even without beer, he is always making comments. He is still living there and I am trying not to. He is making difficult for me to not live there.

He has always verbally abused me off & on. I believe that was my primary reason for the affair. My MM & I always had a serious attraction to eachother & when he gave me the attention that I wasn't getting it developed into a full blown affair. It is no excuse I know. But those are the facts. I would love to have the feelings for my husband that I used to have. I don't know it it is possible after the incredible feelings I have had & have for the MM. That is all I am saying.

 

Why don't you just get a divorce and get on with your life? It's fairly obvious that you don't love your husband. You make excuses for having had an affair, and now you are making additional excuses for your continued bad behavior.

 

You refuse to acknowledge the pain your husband is in and only want him to behave in a manner that makes you comfortable.

 

Leave him so that he can at least heal in peace.

[Darth Vader]

Why don't you just get a divorce and get on with your life? It's fairly obvious that you don't love your husband. You make excuses for having had an affair, and now you are making additional excuses for your continued bad behavior.

 

You refuse to acknowledge the pain your husband is in and only want him to behave in a manner that makes you comfortable.

 

Leave him so that he can at least heal in peace.

 

 

Agreed.

 

I think she wants her hubby to be a doormat, but, the fact that she's not getting it, is making her miss Pissy! He's not being a doormat, and she doesn't like it!

[Nevermind]

no my husband has never hit me, but the horrible name calling & going back describing the events of the A in his own horrible way has been devasting. It has been almost 6 mos since d-day & it is not getting any better. It has been one horrible night after the other pretty much, especially when alcohol is involved. Even without beer, he is always making comments. He is still living there and I am trying not to. He is making difficult for me to not live there.

 

He describes it again and again because there are still open questions, open wounds. See it this way: for every time you touched the MM, your husband will relive the affair in his own mind. Still sounds unfair?

 

He has always verbally abused me off & on. I believe that was my primary reason for the affair. My MM & I always had a serious attraction to eachother & when he gave me the attention that I wasn't getting it developed into a full blown affair. It is no excuse I know. But those are the facts. I would love to have the feelings for my husband that I used to have. I don't know it it is possible after the incredible feelings I have had & have for the MM. That is all I am saying.

 

What kind of verbal abuse? Examples, please. If it was bad enough to have an affair, it should have been bad enough to end the marriage. If you know that this is not an excuse then stop using it like it was. If you don't work on recovering your marriage, then you're adding insult to injury. Either set your husband free or work your buttox off to save this marriage.

 

1. Let him complain, be angry, be sad.

2. Answer every single one of his questions, as often as need be.

3. Go to marriage counceling and individual therapy.

4. Take care of your kid.

5. Stop every contact with MM. Throw away everything that reminds you of him.

6. Show patience, love and understanding. In short, be what you expect from your husband.

 

It's up to you.

[merlin2]

maybe your OM is unhappy in his marriage, from all I've read it seems so.Yet he doesn't want to be with you.You were an escape, but not a potential lifelong partner is all I can see.

he is obviously the type of guy who bitches about his situation but doesn't have the integrity or balls to do anything about it.i seriously think he has replaced you and has another OW, why else would he be ignoring you?

You have become too familiar like his wife, too clingy, too demanding, and he needs some new candy.If this guy wanted you, you would have been together a long time ago.hard lesson to learn.

[merlin2]

melbar 68,

 

Men are men.You say you are prettier, sevxer, thinner, etc-your opinion, mind...and hes probably fed you that line, while trying to make his wife look like less of a threat to butter you up.In your mind, you want her to be fat, a slob etc, thats what these married men do as they know they cant hook you into their 'sexfest' any other way.

What age are you?cant you see these psychological tactics, or do you really want to belive he lives with a slob that disgusts him 'just for the kids'?thats laughable.

whats really going on is that she is refusing him sex as she has other things to be worried about.Maybe she has gained weight, but how does that equate to you being sexier than her?men have their own tastes, and your evaluation of yourself might not be entirely objective.

You are second hand goods, cant you see that?

If you want to waste your life , feel free, will see you on here most probably when his wife dumps him and you find out you're not good enough to be his first choice second time around.

[GreenEyedLady]

Hey Merlin2:

 

Women are women. How many women do you know have gained 30+ pounds after M? The fact is that people want to have sex with people they are attracted to. Some people like fit people. It's all good to say you should love what's in the inside, but you have to be attracted to your mate. And if your mate doesn't care about their appearance or health, there's nothing anyone can do about it.

 

And to refuse your mate sex, worst thing you can do. You're just giving them permission to cheat and essentially starving them of bonding and intimacy with you.

 

No one is second hand goods here. And I won't let you bash anyone here and try and put them down. Why don't you go take your second hand logic and peddle it elsewhere.

 

And let me tell you, I am my honey's first choice. And no one can tell me different. I see it in his eyes, in his actions and in his heart. He couldn't choose someone he didn't know, could he?

 

If you want to waste your time, reply. As for me though, **silence** is golden.

[CAMAYPARK]

My motto is this- there's always someone out there that's more attractive, more intelligent, sexier than you/me. Sure, I am heavier now but I am also no longer 17/18years old. My body has changed. Yes, sometimes I do wish that I am 10lbs/5kg lighter. But on the whole I am pretty happy with my body.

 

XMM/MM doesn't have a problem with my body. The one thing that we do enjoy doing together whenever we travel, is to try all sort of cuisine and different restaurants.

[greengoddess]

Hey Merlin2:

 

Women are women. How many women do you know have gained 30+ pounds after M? The fact is that people want to have sex with people they are attracted to. Some people like fit people. It's all good to say you should love what's in the inside, but you have to be attracted to your mate. And if your mate doesn't care about their appearance or health, there's nothing anyone can do about it.

 

And to refuse your mate sex, worst thing you can do. You're just giving them permission to cheat and essentially starving them of bonding and intimacy with you.

 

No one is second hand goods here. And I won't let you bash anyone here and try and put them down. Why don't you go take your second hand logic and peddle it elsewhere.

 

And let me tell you, I am my honey's first choice. And no one can tell me different. I see it in his eyes, in his actions and in his heart. He couldn't choose someone he didn't know, could he?

 

If you want to waste your time, reply. As for me though, **silence** is golden.

 

Your situation is different. He actually left his wife and has chosen you. You are not hiding behind closed doors any longer like a second rate citizen.

 

Be very very careful though Gel don't gain any weight because according to you you won't be as attractive to him and that gives him permission to cheat with a thinner girl.

 

What happens if you get injured? I work out every day but I broke a few ribs at one point and could not go to the gym for a couple months and put ten pounds on temporarily till healed so does that mean I'm not attractive to my husband anymore and he can cheat till my ribs are better, I get the weight off and can comfortably have sex again?

 

I can't wait to see how your tune changes IF big IF you marry this guy. You better stay on your toes and keep him happy.

[GPFan]

Be very very careful though Gel don't gain any weight because according to you you won't be as attractive to him and that gives him permission to cheat with a thinner girl.

 

What happens if you get injured? I work out every day but I broke a few ribs at one point and could not go to the gym for a couple months and put ten pounds on temporarily till healed so does that mean I'm not attractive to my husband anymore and he can cheat till my ribs are better, I get the weight off and can comfortably have sex again?

Interesting point.

 

Some men, especially the wealthy and powerful, view their wives the same as they do their homes, treasured possessions and reputation.

 

The second (and third and so on) wives of these men usually do understand their role. They understand the necessity of remaining 'perfect' for their man. Obviously the man must offer something substantial in exchange for putting a woman under this constant pressure.

 

It is an understanding and one that works well as long as both parties to the agreement know what is up. Usually it is the first wife who is blindsided by not realising the original agreement had changed.

[Cliche]

Am I reading this correctly? Are many here actually suggesting that the OP deserves the verbal abuse that she is getting or that, perhaps, she is making it up in order to cheat? That is ridiculous.

 

While I think the OP should do herself a favor and not jump from the frying pan into the fire, there is no way on earth her H is justified in abusing her in any way, calling her awful names or other forms of harassment. I know both women and men who have had affairs in an effort to extricate themselves from abusive relationships. I think life is easier if the M ends before putting another relationship into the mix, especially because an individual's self-perception is skewed when they are in an abusive relationship, and they need to see themselves honestly again in order to be in a positive relationship.

 

But to suggest that she deserves this abuse because she had an affair is WRONG. If a marriage is a solid one, there does not need to be any type of abusive, harassing behavior. There is a way to communicate pain and anger without breaking down the partner.

 

To the OP: You deserve more than an abusive husband. You deserve a happy, solid relationship. Get yourself help to figure out what is best for YOU. Don't let your H make you feel badly about who you are.