I'm in love with my MM

[GreenEyedLady]

Your situation is different. He actually left his wife and has chosen you. You are not hiding behind closed doors any longer like a second rate citizen.

 

Be very very careful though Gel don't gain any weight because according to you you won't be as attractive to him and that gives him permission to cheat with a thinner girl.

 

What happens if you get injured? I work out every day but I broke a few ribs at one point and could not go to the gym for a couple months and put ten pounds on temporarily till healed so does that mean I'm not attractive to my husband anymore and he can cheat till my ribs are better, I get the weight off and can comfortably have sex again?

 

I can't wait to see how your tune changes IF big IF you marry this guy. You better stay on your toes and keep him happy.

 

First off, I was never a second rate citizen.

 

And I'm not worried about gaining weight.

 

Seems to have struck a nerve with you though. There's a difference between 10 pounds and 30+ pounds and not taking care of oneself for the majority of a M. Maybe you're overly sensitive about your weight and should explore that sensitivity.

 

And it's not "if" honey, it's when.

[bentnotbroken]

What needs to be understood is that Shellz isn't be abused to the point of leaving. She is also abusing her H by cheating and continuing to pine for the MM. Her H knows she is using him. She needs to leave for the best interest of her H and herself.

[Cliche]

What needs to be understood is that Shellz isn't be abused to the point of leaving.

How do you know that? Do you know them personally?

 

Some people who are in abusive relationships are so beaten down and think so poorly of themselves that they don't think they can leave the M. Some of them use an A to try to get the outer strength to leave a bad M because they don't have the inner strength (I don't agree with this method, btw, becuase it usually makes the situation worse for the abused individual, but I've seen it many, many times over).

[bentnotbroken]

How do you know that? Do you know them personally?

 

Some people who are in abusive relationships are so beaten down and think so poorly of themselves that they don't think they can leave the M. Some of them use an A to try to get the outer strength to leave a bad M because they don't have the inner strength (I don't agree with this method, btw, becuase it usually makes the situation worse for the abused individual, but I've seen it many, many times over).

 

 

Do you know them personally? If not don't ask me. If she was that beaten down, then she wouldn't go running if her MM wanted her back. She already said that she would leave if he wanted her, but she doesn't want to leave if she has to be alone. She is full of it and she even said she isn't afraid of her H. She said his abuse is verbal and her abuse is emotional, because she is dreaming about screwing another woman's H and not her own.

[Cliche]

Do you know them personally? If not don't ask me. If she was that beaten down, then she wouldn't go running if her MM wanted her back. She already said that she would leave if he wanted her, but she doesn't want to leave if she has to be alone. She is full of it and she even said she isn't afraid of her H. She said his abuse is verbal and her abuse is emotional, because she is dreaming about screwing another woman's H and not her own.

 

I've spent years working with abused women. Your advice to her is not helpful and only reinforces the negative self image that her H is making sure she feels. Do I knwo her personally? No. But I do know that very few people claim they are abused if they are not.

 

And verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, so downplaying that shows lack of any knowledge of domestic abuse situations on your part.

 

Are you really so married to your role as BS that you can't step back and view a situation that is not yours in a light different from that which you've experienced?

[Owl]

Shellz may well be in an abusive situation.

 

And my advice to ANYONE in an abusive situation is get the heck out.

 

She's been given that advice repeatedly...and refuses to consider it unless her option is to run TO OM. She's not willing to consider any other method of getting out of this 'abusive situation'.

 

She IS however contributing to that situation by means of having an affair. And by continuing to pursue MM when he's indicated that he's no longer interested. Having an affair is just as emotionally abusive as about anything else anyone can do...this isn't justifying her H's abuse of her, btw.

 

What I'm saying is that her relationship with her H is toxic on BOTH sides. And it needs to end.

 

Her MM has clearly spelled out where the affair is at (it isn't). Shellz needs to drop her focus on that, and retrain her focus as to where it NEEDS to be...the horrible situation her marriage is in right now. She needs to either take active measures to fix it, or end it.

 

That simple. NOT EASY...but definitely SIMPLE.

[Cliche]

Shellz may well be in an abusive situation.

 

And my advice to ANYONE in an abusive situation is get the heck out.

 

She's been given that advice repeatedly...and refuses to consider it unless her option is to run TO OM. She's not willing to consider any other method of getting out of this 'abusive situation'.

 

She IS however contributing to that situation by means of having an affair. And by continuing to pursue MM when he's indicated that he's no longer interested. Having an affair is just as emotionally abusive as about anything else anyone can do...this isn't justifying her H's abuse of her, btw.

 

What I'm saying is that her relationship with her H is toxic on BOTH sides. And it needs to end.

 

Her MM has clearly spelled out where the affair is at (it isn't). Shellz needs to drop her focus on that, and retrain her focus as to where it NEEDS to be...the horrible situation her marriage is in right now. She needs to either take active measures to fix it, or end it.

 

That simple. NOT EASY...but definitely SIMPLE.

 

Owl, your screen name serves you well. Most of your posts are indeed wise, and this one is no exception. I agree with you completely that she should remove herself from BOTH relationships. That being said, more than one poster on here has basically said she's a hussy for having an A and her H is justified in making her feel worthless over it. WRONG! If her M is solid and her H truly loves her, they will find a way to work through this that does not include ripping her to pieces. Such behavior is never justified.

 

Owl, you and your cheating W have worked through the A...correct? Did you succeed in mending your M by making her feel worthless and by belittling her?

[Owl]

Thank you for the compliments...I appreciate them, but would caution you that any number of people on this forum would definitely disagree with any thoughts of me being "wise"! (me included, actually...LOL!)

 

And you're completely right...her H is absolutely not doing anything that he needs to do to recover your marriage. Its not surprising tho...the emotional devestation caused by the discovery of the affair normally does trigger massive irrational behavior in the BS. Some can get over it and do what they need to do...some can't.

 

His behavior is understandable, but not justified.

 

BUT...the exact same is true for HER behavior.

 

Cheating is NEVER justifiable.

 

As I said earlier...this appears to me to be at least a 50/50 deal as far as who's destroying the marriage. Which honestly is unusual...because normally the majority of the blame DOES fall on the wayward spouse...because there are very few things that can rival the destruction an affair can wreak on a marriage.

 

Shellz's husband needs to get his stuff together.

 

Shellz needs to get HER stuff together too.

 

She can't change her H at the moment...but she CAN change what's on her side of the equation to start with.

 

End the affair. INSIST on counseling, and proper boundaries being set to protect her from further abuse. End the marriage if those boundaries are not met.

 

Those are HER steps to take, regardless of what her H is doing at this point.

 

If her H was posting, I'd give him a list too....but since he's not here, I can only offer advice to who's come here for help.

 

Make sense?

[bentnotbroken]

I've spent years working with abused women. Your advice to her is not helpful and only reinforces the negative self image that her H is making sure she feels. Do I knwo her personally? No. But I do know that very few people claim they are abused if they are not.

 

And verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, so downplaying that shows lack of any knowledge of domestic abuse situations on your part.

 

Are you really so married to your role as BS that you can't step back and view a situation that is not yours in a light different from that which you've experienced?

 

 

As a matter of fact not only do I work with abused children, but their parents as well. And I don't have a role other than telling the truth as I see it. What I said, was if she is so abused, why wait for the MM to leave his marriage to leave. If you are too traumatized to leave, you are to traumatized to think dog the MM wife out(as Shellz did) What you see a woman playing victim, I see a woman who is the predator. She isn't afraid of her H, she said so. Now, look for another hook to give her a reason to stay with him. The end result is we both think she should leave him. You because you believe she is being abused, and me because I think he is and deserves better.

 

The role you place me in is BS, I place myself as critically thinking woman who knows a game player when I see one.

[Toomuchfun]

That was an extremely nasty message. ........... It is so easy for you to judge, but if you haven't been in a similar situation, you really can't. I am extremely frustrated by these posts!

 

Hi Shellz,

 

I'm new here and wanted to add my .02. I know where you are coming from, I feel your pain. I was in an emotional affair for over a year and could have made it physical but he was a bit vague (NOW I can read between the lines because I'm smarter and more objective) about asking to get together (he's shy) and I was scared chitless (because like him, I'm very married with three kids). But I was also in love with him and have never been able to end my feelings for him(it's going on 4 years now), although I have tried. He told me he loved me, we became very close emotionally and I would have done anything for him....I still miss him and have not given up on the idea of one day being with him (in an affair).

 

He never talked badly about his wife but did say that I was the only thing that cheered him up. He too has a Holy Roller wife who I don't think attends to his needs. I have realized that what I want from him is pretty much what he probably wanted from me....occasional wild sex and the thrill of an affair.

 

I'm sorry you got so terribly hurt. I did too because at one point I let my feelings for him over ride everything else. Crazy I know.

 

Just wanted you to know that there is someone who understands.

 

Hang in there!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Hi Shellz,

 

I'm new here and wanted to add my .02. I know where you are coming from, I feel your pain. I was in an emotional affair for over a year and could have made it physical but he was a bit vague (NOW I can read between the lines because I'm smarter and more objective) about asking to get together (he's shy) and I was scared chitless (because like him, I'm very married with three kids). But I was also in love with him and have never been able to end my feelings for him(it's going on 4 years now), although I have tried. He told me he loved me, we became very close emotionally and I would have done anything for him....I still miss him and have not given up on the idea of one day being with him (in an affair).

 

He never talked badly about his wife but did say that I was the only thing that cheered him up. He too has a Holy Roller wife who I don't think attends to his needs. I have realized that what I want from him is pretty much what he probably wanted from me....occasional wild sex and the thrill of an affair.

 

I'm sorry you got so terribly hurt. I did too because at one point I let my feelings for him over ride everything else. Crazy I know.

 

Just wanted you to know that there is someone who understands.

 

Hang in there!!!

 

 

So what are you saying? You didn't do anything to work on your marriage either, just pine for the OM?

[Cliche]

So what are you saying? You didn't do anything to work on your marriage either, just pine for the OM?

 

What did you do to work on your marriage, bent? Just desert it?

 

Seriously, I am getting admittedly annoyed at the pointed questions to those with real problems (of their own doing, of course, not denying that). If marriage is so damn important, why didn't you save yours?

 

DOn't answer, it's rhetorical. I'm just pointing out flaws in your lofice (or, rather, pointing out your point here is to be accusatory instead of helpful in any form).

[bentnotbroken]

Rhetorical or not, I can't stay with some one who I didn't trust and never would and who was more than willing to hurt me and my children. I left the situation. What's Shellz excuse. Oh, by the way your annoyance is your issue, not mine.

 

You just don't like the help I provide, the truth as I see it. Then leave it alone and go on your merry little way.

[bish]

He said he was trying to piss his wife off, so she would leave

 

If she wasn't already pissed off, then things couldn't have been too bad at home if he has to TRY to piss her off.

 

Methinks he isn't happy for superficial reasons or reasons of the 7 year itch.

 

 

When D-day came at the end of Feb., he totally dumped me. I was in complete & total shock after knowing what he expressed continously. He kept saying his kids would hate him (they are teenagers).

 

No doubt. I don't know of any kids that would be thrilled that their dad was cheating on their mom, and vice versa.

 

 

Well, I am in hell. I feel like I can not breathe without him.

 

And you are not divorced right now because??????

 

 

I break out into tears all day. My husband wants to stay with with me after all this. I am amazed by this, but I have lost those feelings for him.

 

I am always amazed at a spouse that wants to stay with a cheater. I won't best them if they do decide such, but I know there is a better life for anyone without a cheater.

 

 

No matter what you all think, he didn't use me.

 

Whatever you say.

 

 

He has never cheated before, & we agreed that we always really liked eachother. It has been over 3 mos since we have seen eachother & it is getting worse for me. I can not stop thinking about him. I have called him on his work phone & he just keeps saying his kids will hate him. He misses me & loves me, but alsol loves his wife.

 

Huh? he loves his wife? Well if thats the case then, sorry, he DID use you. he loves his wife, but after years of marriage, he just wanted to have sex with someone other than the same old person he has been having sex with for years. he wanted a new face to ####.

 

 

I just don't get this, b/c he was sick of her.

 

thats what he told you. you think you would have given it up to him if he said his relationship with his wife was the best ever?

 

 

You don't risk your entire life over a good lay.

 

some people do.

 

 

I told my H that I wanted the MM.

 

Thats when your H should have asked you to pack your things.

 

 

I am 38 yrs old & sexy, fun, hot, funny & I think like a guy. I am the perfect catch for him, especially b/c he is 47. What is wrong with him??? She is boring, fat, a holyroller, etc

 

 

So you are all that and she is fat. Did it ever occur to you that some people see more than superficial ideals?

 

Besides, you have this "i'm all that attitude", I'd have to ask, what is wrong with him? Surely he sees this attitude and any decent guy I know doesn't like conceited women.

 

Oh wait, he isn't a decent guy.

[bish]

What is wrong with him you ask? He changed his mind about being with you. He decided being with you isn't worth leaving a 20+ year marriage and his kids.

 

Exactly!!! Although his wife should kick him out, divorce him, and take him for all she can, it seems as if the lay wasn't good enough for him to leave his family.

[The_411]

Cliche,

 

I applaud your work with battered women and I can certainly appreciate that women are often trapped by men who batter them.

 

However, reading her posts and the background I am getting the impression that not only is her husband not abusive but also the reverse is true.

 

This is a problem that is not talked about a lot because of the mockery of the topic but there are more and more women who abuse their husbands emotionally, verbally and physically.

 

I'm after all if a woman is 5'5 125 and a man is 6'3 220 who is going to believe the man that he is being abused.

 

Look at the responses towards other posters. Look at the failure of Shellz to even mention that in her initial description.

 

My guess is that her husband may have said some not so pleasant things after he found out about the affair, not justifiable but certainly understandable.

 

My other impression is that Shellz may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I base this on her behavior in this thread and in her private life and her thought processes

[bentnotbroken]

Cliche,

 

I applaud your work with battered women and I can certainly appreciate that women are often trapped by men who batter them.

 

However, reading her posts and the background I am getting the impression that not only is her husband not abusive but also the reverse is true.

 

This is a problem that is not talked about a lot because of the mockery of the topic but there are more and more women who abuse their husbands emotionally, verbally and physically.

 

I'm after all if a woman is 5'5 125 and a man is 6'3 220 who is going to believe the man that he is being abused.

 

Look at the responses towards other posters. Look at the failure of Shellz to even mention that in her initial description.

 

My guess is that her husband may have said some not so pleasant things after he found out about the affair, not justifiable but certainly understandable.

 

My other impression is that Shellz may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I base this on her behavior in this thread and in her private life and her thought processes

 

 

 

Thank you for this post, that's all that most of us were trying to say. I see NPD, lived with one.

[jj33]

Shellz you said you cant afford marriage counseling. Have you considered counseling for yourself? There are all sorts of community services for people who cant afford counseling. Whatever is going to happen with your marriage you are obviously in a lot of pain and getting counseling for yourself even if your H does not go with you could only help.

 

Regardless of the circumstances it is devastating to find that someone who loves you and has planned a life with you has changed his mind. Unfortunately the reasons do not matter. The fact is he has decided not to leave. Acceptance takes time but it sounds like counseling could help you with all of these issues. The important thing is that you find a way to get past this pain for you and your son. The issues with the marriage, what your options are and whether you want to stay or leave, will get clearer once you feel stronger in yourself.

[Shellz]

Thank you so much for your reply. Merlin2 apparently didn't read all my posts. I have a male friend that says "hey, men don't want fat women". I don't want to offend anyone here, but it is true. You have to keep up with your appearance. That is what men want. Plus, you add naggy, boring & bitchy to the picture & you have a bad package, regardless of everything else. Remember all, I have known both of them for many years, so I am witness to this.

[Shellz]

To bentnotbroken: Please don't even respond anymore, b/c what you have to say is all complete bull**** & it is more damaging. You really have no idea what you are talking about here.

[Shellz]

Cliche,

 

I applaud your work with battered women and I can certainly appreciate that women are often trapped by men who batter them.

 

However, reading her posts and the background I am getting the impression that not only is her husband not abusive but also the reverse is true.

 

This is a problem that is not talked about a lot because of the mockery of the topic but there are more and more women who abuse their husbands emotionally, verbally and physically.

 

I'm after all if a woman is 5'5 125 and a man is 6'3 220 who is going to believe the man that he is being abused.

 

Look at the responses towards other posters. Look at the failure of Shellz to even mention that in her initial description.

 

My guess is that her husband may have said some not so pleasant things after he found out about the affair, not justifiable but certainly understandable.

 

My other impression is that Shellz may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I base this on her behavior in this thread and in her private life and her thought processes

 

You are obviously on drugs. I do not do anything to my husband. I am trying to forget this whole thing. He brings it up daily & in a horrible, mean way. You have no idea. He gets in my face & goes on & on & I can't get away. It is actually worse over the past month than it was on dday. Maybe you should evaluate yourself with your own disorders!

[anne1707]

Shellz

 

This is the first time I have felt the need to post to someone else's thread. My H and I are trying to recover from my 3-year A and it is hell. He knows I still have feelings for the OM but he also knows that I am dealing with that, trying to get past that and put my all into our marriage. He is hurt, angry and has sometimes shown aggression in a way I have never seen before (not hitting me but he caused a lot of damage to household items).

 

And I accept all of this. I have to because I love him and want us to work. I have hurt him more than I can ever begin to understand, destroying all his trust in me and his confidence in himself.

 

I accept all this as I am actually trying to make my marriage work.

 

It seems to me that you still want the OM, your H will know this and knows that you are not truly with him. No wonder he is so angry. The frustration he must be feeling has to escape somehow and so he ends up saying horrible things. I don't blame him at all. You have to accept that he his hurt and angry and let him express this.

 

You have to decide what you really want and act on that. If you still love the OM, you have to leave your H. I don't care about the finances, you are a grown woman.

 

As for your child. My parents divorced when I was a teenager after my father's repeated affairs and a really rough 2 years where they tried to make things work (whilst he was still having affairs). It was such a relief to me when they finally split. It is better for the child to have parents who are happy and not living together than all living under one roof in "hell".

 

Start taking responsibility for what you have done and how you deal with it.

[bentnotbroken]

To bentnotbroken: Please don't even respond anymore, b/c what you have to say is all complete bull**** & it is more damaging. You really have no idea what you are talking about here.

 

 

Sure you don't think what I have to say is valuable and it is your right, as is mine to respond to what I find ......let's just say less than intelligent and certainly not from a place of understanding or compassion for your H or his W. You never answered the question about would you leave your H if MM left his W for you. Would you? Or are you afraid your answer will prove what everyone her has been saying? I think the later.

 

 

You say you are trying to forget your mess, but you want the MM. And just because you want to forget doesn't make it go away, not for your H, MM wife, MM or you. It is there like an elephant in the room. What are you going to do, tiptoe around it the rest of your life? That's called denial, and it ain't just a river in Egypt. You can bury your head in the sand and what you did will still be hanging around waiting for you to come up for air.

 

 

You can either deal with it head on or walk away from it(your H and his feelings)That is a decision you have to make and live with. And by the way in case you forgot, you posted on an open forum for all the cyber world to see and respond to, that means me and anyone else who feels the urge.

 

Not only do I know what I am talking about I know it well enough to say it.

[whichwayisup]

You are obviously on drugs. I do not do anything to my husband. I am trying to forget this whole thing. He brings it up daily & in a horrible, mean way. You have no idea. He gets in my face & goes on & on & I can't get away. It is actually worse over the past month than it was on dday. Maybe you should evaluate yourself with your own disorders!

 

It seems like you're putting all the blame on his wife. Ever think that HE contributed to her problems, let alone their marriage? Hello, he's CHEATING on her with you.

 

You can't forget this whole thing, it isn't just going to go away. If you can't do what is required to fix your marriage, then DIVORCE your husband, set him free so he can start over. Shellz, I guess I don't understand why you're in still in this marriage since you are miserable and don't want to deal with the fallout of your choice to have an affair. If you are sick of the way he is treating you, then do something about it - Get out of your marriage, go to counselling on your own, do something.

 

Are you still intouch with the MM? If you are, your husband has every right to be pissed off.

 

I have a male friend that says "hey, men don't want fat women". I don't want to offend anyone here, but it is true. You have to keep up with your appearance. That is what men want. Plus, you add naggy, boring & bitchy to the picture & you have a bad package, regardless of everything else. Remember all, I have known both of them for many years, so I am witness to this.

 

You are only witness to bits and pieces, you aren't in their bedroom at night, let alone sitting with them night after night at their dinner table. You think that all this happened because of her? Like I'm sure he's a great prize and happy all the time.

[Darth Vader]

It seems like you're putting all the blame on his wife. Ever think that HE contributed to her problems, let alone their marriage? Hello, he's CHEATING on her with you.

 

You can't forget this whole thing, it isn't just going to go away. If you can't do what is required to fix your marriage, then DIVORCE your husband, set him free so he can start over. Shellz, I guess I don't understand why you're in still in this marriage since you are miserable and don't want to deal with the fallout of your choice to have an affair. If you are sick of the way he is treating you, then do something about it - Get out of your marriage, go to counselling on your own, do something.

 

Are you still intouch with the MM? If you are, your husband has every right to be pissed off.

 

 

 

You are only witness to bits and pieces, you aren't in their bedroom at night, let alone sitting with them night after night at their dinner table. You think that all this happened because of her? Like I'm sure he's a great prize and happy all the time.

 

 

It's clear WWIS, that she doesn't want to deal with the HELL that she's caused, she apparently doesn't want to let her husband go because she's selfish and she doesn't want to lose her Meal Ticket! She wanted to Screw another man, but, not have to deal with any responsibility or consequences of her action, PERIOD and that simple!