I'm in love with my MM

[Shellz]

TO Bentnotbroken: What did you do to contribute to your H's affair? Did you ever own up to that? What did you do to try to fix things? You are so sure to dish out & say that I am not intelligent, when intelligence has nothing to do with this. This is EMOTIONAL, but maybe you can not relate to that. I do love my husband. I can not say that I wouldn't leave if the XMM would contact me. My feelings for him are still very strong even after 6 months of being apart. I can not control that. I have tried, but the heart wants what it wants. I am sure you can not relate to that at all. You seem very cold hearted & bitter. You are probably overweight & boring as well. MEN DON'T WANT THAT!! NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS ARE INVESTED!! Think about that. You want to say that is all superficial, but hey if you don't take care of yourself, you are going to lose your man!!

[whichwayisup]

I honestly don't know what the truth is in her situation anymore - But I do know 100% for sure Shelly needs to go to counselling and fix herself so she can decide once and for all to make a choice. She's in no shape right now to make any kind of life changing decision. Either because of fears of the unknown, being alone, letting go of what she's used to (house, lifestyle, money, basic human companionship with her husband), scared of change.

[whichwayisup]

What did you do to contribute to your H's affair?

 

Don't you mean "contribute to problems in the marriage?" Noone can push their spouse into an affair. A spouse that cheats chooses to do so on their own, reguardless of the state of their marriage. Each are responsible for the problems IN the marriage, but as for the choice of having an affair? That's not the BS's fault.

 

Cheater's choice.

[whichwayisup]

My feelings for him are still very strong even after 6 months of being apart. I can not control that. I have tried, but the heart wants what it wants.

 

Then keep going to counselling! If you haven't been already, go! Find someone to help you.

 

If you want to get over the MM you will. But, you have to WANT to get over him..Though reading your threads it sounds like you won't. There's no such thing as can't. Can't means you're scared of letting him go, scared of really facing what you chose to do to your husband.

 

Bottomline - Don't settle. You may love your husband, affair or not, you two have TONS of problems, just tons..You need to decide if the marriage is worth fixing and fighting for. You need to decide if you want to change and own up to your part into the problems in the marriage.

 

Let me ask you this, since you may feel that a BS helps push a CS to cheat, does that mean a victim pushes their abuser to abuse them?

 

It is not a BS's fault that a CS cheats, just like it isn't a victims fault that an abuser abuses.

[bentnotbroken]

TO Bentnotbroken: What did you do to contribute to your H's affair? Did you ever own up to that? What did you do to try to fix things? You are so sure to dish out & say that I am not intelligent, when intelligence has nothing to do with this. This is EMOTIONAL, but maybe you can not relate to that. I do love my husband. I can not say that I wouldn't leave if the XMM would contact me. My feelings for him are still very strong even after 6 months of being apart. I can not control that. I have tried, but the heart wants what it wants. I am sure you can not relate to that at all. You seem very cold hearted & bitter. You are probably overweight & boring as well. MEN DON'T WANT THAT!! NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS ARE INVESTED!! Think about that. You want to say that is all superficial, but hey if you don't take care of yourself, you are going to lose your man!!

 

 

I contributed to the problems in my marriage which I own wholeheartedly. Enough to seek counseling and become a better mother and person. I DO NOT HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR A GROWN MAN STICKING HIS PENIS IN ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE. That is all his own doing. I didn't cheat and I was not being loved and taken care of either. It is a matter of moral fiber. He had known and I can't live with that. So he is gone, even though he is trying to come back. But like your H, I don't trust him not to do it again an lie his way into some other silly person's pants.

 

There was nothing to fix once he brought a 3rd party into our M. It was over for me at that point. And when he disrespected me and my children, it would be a cold day in hell before he is allowed the position of honor ever again.

 

 

You are truly right you are working with your emotions, not your brain. If you remove the emotional equation, step back and look at your self destructive ways, you might find a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't care whether you go to the MM, stay with your H or live alone in a cave, but your H does deserve the chance to be happy with someone who loves him and only him, you don't. You said it yourself more times than I can count. If you don't believe me, go back and read some of your old post.

 

Not only can I dish it, I can take it. I am a woman who has learned from t he mistakes and poor choices of my past. You on the other hand are still in limbo because you chose to be.

 

If it makes you feel better to believe I am cold hearted and bitter, go ahead. But there are people on here in your situation who would beg to differ. If it makes you fell better to believe that I am fat and out of shape and ugly, go ahead. I don't need you to feel pretty damn good about myself. I have come through some ***** that you would never imagine, with my integrity and standards intact. And by the way, if you were to ever met me you would be shocked at how I look:laugh: for and old chick, it ain't too bad. You can't lose a real man, only a child with a hard penis.

[bentnotbroken]

You know it is kind of funny who you think to be a BW you must be fat, unattractive, stupid and boring. Does it make it easier to swallow? Even Lizzie said that she has seen some of her MM's W and some are attractive, well educated, employed, which would require most of them to have some knowledge of the world i.e. not boring.

 

Christy Brinkley, Halle Berry, Jennifer Anniston were all BS, what do you think their H excuses were? Certainly not fat, unattractive and boring. They didn't let themselves go. Would it shock you to know, that if a person is going to cheat, they will do it no matter what. It has nothing to do with the BS's looks, intelligence, or weight. Those are all exucuses that justify whatever they wanted to do in the first place.

 

Why does your H abuse you? Do you deserve it? Are you too fat ? Are you too boring for him? How about you let yourself go? Or is it something in him that is lacking that allows him to hurt another human to make himself feel better, just like you? And by the way, if I allowed Mr. Messy to remain with us, I would have been teaching my children that it is okay to mistreat people and then allow them the opportunity to do it again. I would have been teaching them that they can walk over others who don't stand up for themselves. And would have been teaching them that I am willing to except less than what I derserve as a woman and as a wife. I wasn't willing to pass that lesson on to them. I wasn't willing for them to see me as an emotional mess. Even though the ow in my case has acted in a most out of control manner, still I have done what was right so that can see it might be hard, but it can be done. What are you teaching your child Shellz?

[Darth Vader]

You are truly right you are working with your emotions, not your brain. If you remove the emotional equation, step back and look at your self destructive ways, you might find a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't care whether you go to the MM, stay with your H or live alone in a cave, but your H does deserve the chance to be happy with someone who loves him and only him, you don't. You said it yourself more times than I can count. If you don't believe me, go back and read some of your old post.

 

You know, it looks like Shellz doesn't want to let her hubby find someone else, perhaps out of jealousy, and/or the fact that he could do alot better than her, and she knows it! Makes me wonder what her hubby looks like, if he's at all a little like Dean Martin, she's screwed because the women would be coming out of the woodwork to get him!

[Shellz]

It's clear WWIS, that she doesn't want to deal with the HELL that she's caused, she apparently doesn't want to let her husband go because she's selfish and she doesn't want to lose her Meal Ticket! She wanted to Screw another man, but, not have to deal with any responsibility or consequences of her action, PERIOD and that simple!

 

I have dealt with so much hell, you have no idea. I AM NOT SELFISH!! I am trying to get those feelings back & be in love with husband again. I am not worried about "losing my meal ticket"!! I can take care of myself & my son! It wasn't just about screwing another man. I felt unloved & unappreciated for so long. Me & this other man always had feelings for eachother & it all just happened. I am disgusted by what I did.

[bentnotbroken]

I have dealt with so much hell, you have no idea. I AM NOT SELFISH!! I am trying to get those feelings back & be in love with husband again. I am not worried about "losing my meal ticket"!! I can take care of myself & my son! It wasn't just about screwing another man. I felt unloved & unappreciated for so long. Me & this other man always had feelings for eachother & it all just happened. I am disgusted by what I did.

 

 

You still don't get it. You talk about trying to get the feelings back for your H and then talk about the deep passionate love that you and MM still share. You even try to figure out why he went back. Do you not see the difference in the way you even think about the 2 of them. You can't let MM continue to consume the majority of your thoughts and make your H an after thought. You speak of your H as an appendage, not a spouse. You don't just gain feelings you, you work on understanding, repairing(yourself and your relationship)and giving your marriage 100% shot. If you can't do that, don't you feel it better for you to walk away and find happiness with whom ever and let your H do the same?

[Owl]

You still don't get it. You talk about trying to get the feelings back for your H and then talk about the deep passionate love that you and MM still share. You even try to figure out why he went back. Do you not see the difference in the way you even think about the 2 of them. You can't let MM continue to consume the majority of your thoughts and make your H an after thought. You speak of your H as an appendage, not a spouse. You don't just gain feelings you, you work on understanding, repairing(yourself and your relationship)and giving your marriage 100% shot. If you can't do that, don't you feel it better for you to walk away and find happiness with whom ever and let your H do the same?

 

This is KEY.

 

Good response BNB.

[whichwayisup]

I am trying to get those feelings back & be in love with husband again.

If you really are trying to do this, get your feelings back and fall inlove with your husband again, then you have to stop fantasizing and wishing the MM will come find you!

 

But if he would call me & tell he can't take it anymore & is miserable, I would take him back.

 

How is this fixing your marriage, finding love in your heart again for your husband when you said less than a week ago that you WOULD take your MM back! Make a choice and stick to it. You're wavering back and forth on the fence.

 

I am disgusted by what I did.

 

If you really do feel this way then please, get yourself into counselling and work on letting go of the MM and all wishes that he'd come find you again. Focus on what's real and what's infront of you. Your husband and putting your family back together again.

[Terminator]

Must be nice for your H to know you're only with him and willing to work on the M (supposedly) because your OM threw you under a bus, and that if he changed his mind you'd run to him.

 

What a selfish person you must be, why not let your M go and leave your H free to find someone that isn't?

[Darth Vader]

I have dealt with so much hell, you have no idea. I AM NOT SELFISH!! I am trying to get those feelings back & be in love with husband again. I am not worried about "losing my meal ticket"!! I can take care of myself & my son! It wasn't just about screwing another man. I felt unloved & unappreciated for so long. Me & this other man always had feelings for eachother & it all just happened. I am disgusted by what I did.

 

 

Apparently, I struck a nerve!

 

Anyway, It doesn't "just happen"! You have to want it to happen! So enough with the "it just happened" and "feeling unloved and unappreciated" BULLCRAP! Just another useless attempt to justify your actions. I'm sure you husband has felt that way, but, never cheated, so far as we know. In any case, I'm sure that your hubby surely feels loved and appreciated now that he's had this happen to him! If you can take care of yourself and your son, then go ahead and divorce your hubby and let him find someone else, without taking him for any money. Of course he should have joint custody as well, that should keep the bills even.

[Darth Vader]

You still don't get it. You talk about trying to get the feelings back for your H and then talk about the deep passionate love that you and MM still share. You even try to figure out why he went back. Do you not see the difference in the way you even think about the 2 of them. You can't let MM continue to consume the majority of your thoughts and make your H an after thought. You speak of your H as an appendage, not a spouse. You don't just gain feelings you, you work on understanding, repairing(yourself and your relationship)and giving your marriage 100% shot. If you can't do that, don't you feel it better for you to walk away and find happiness with whom ever and let your H do the same?

 

 

Reminds me of Sybil! Back and forth!

[Shellz]

1st of all I don't quite understand the abbreviations: BS & CS. Secondly, it is emotional, but that doesn't take the brain out of it completely. All I do is think. When I'm sleeping, all I do is dream. I can't even sleep well. I wake up exhausted. I don't understand why I can not get 1 person to understand what I am going through. I must have started posting on the wrong thread. The only ones who have been replying are the cheated on. I agree that you can not force someone to cheat. I think it is different for a man than a woman. If a woman is feeling unloved, unappreciated, like a piece of **** for so long...she might be easily enticed into something that seems right, even though she knows it really is not. A woman seeks out that emotional connection.

As far as the Hollywood comments, that is just ridiculous. Those people are basically cartoon characters. Their life has no meaning in the real world. Everyone is dispensable and it doesn't matter what you look like. You just go on to the most beautiful person to the next.

 

I have never abused my H, he has abused me right from the start & we probably should not have gotten married. We always had this connection though. We are very different, but the same as well. We were and are always able to hang out together & throw darts or talk, when a lot of couples can not do that. We have friends that can't be alone together, just hanging out without another couple with them. We have always been able to do that. As time goes by, I am realizing a lot. If he could stop bringing up things that make it alive, I think we can get past this. He just loves to torture me about the details a couple of times a week and it is always the same old stuff.

[bentnotbroken]

1st of all I don't quite understand the abbreviations: BS & CS. Secondly, it is emotional, but that doesn't take the brain out of it completely. All I do is think. When I'm sleeping, all I do is dream. I can't even sleep well. I wake up exhausted. I don't understand why I can not get 1 person to understand what I am going through. I must have started posting on the wrong thread. The only ones who have been replying are the cheated on. I agree that you can not force someone to cheat. I think it is different for a man than a woman. If a woman is feeling unloved, unappreciated, like a piece of **** for so long...she might be easily enticed into something that seems right, even though she knows it really is not. A woman seeks out that emotional connection.

As far as the Hollywood comments, that is just ridiculous. Those people are basically cartoon characters. Their life has no meaning in the real world. Everyone is dispensable and it doesn't matter what you look like. You just go on to the most beautiful person to the next.

 

I have never abused my H, he has abused me right from the start & we probably should not have gotten married. We always had this connection though. We are very different, but the same as well. We were and are always able to hang out together & throw darts or talk, when a lot of couples can not do that. We have friends that can't be alone together, just hanging out without another couple with them. We have always been able to do that. As time goes by, I am realizing a lot. If he could stop bringing up things that make it alive, I think we can get past this. He just loves to torture me about the details a couple of times a week and it is always the same old stuff.

 

 

Of course it is dear.

[Owl]

That's ok...those details are probably playing in an endless loop in your husband's mind, Shellz.

 

You have NO IDEA how devestating and damaging an affair is on the betrayed spouse.

 

Clearly we're not there...but I wonder if you're confusing his need to understand what happened and asking questions about those details vs. a deliberate intent to torture you.

 

I wonder why you're still with him if its torture and abuse on a daily basis????

 

Again...your choices are still crystal clear.

 

Either work on the marriage...or divorce.

 

It really is that simple.

 

If he refuses to go to marriage counseling, file for divorce.

 

BOTH of you need some serious individual counseling...seek that too.

[whichwayisup]

CS-cheating spouse, BS-betrayed spouse.

 

If he could stop bringing up things that make it alive, I think we can get past this.

 

He can't because he is still upset and angry. So are you. You won't let go of the OM and your husband knows this, which is why he's still feeling this way.

 

OWL is right, you each need counselling. You say your H won't go, then go on your own.

 

Have you done any therapy on your own? What are you doing to work on you?

 

Anyway, you do need to decide once and for all - Fix your marriage or end it. Maybe being on your own is what you need most, especially if your H isn't willing to lift a finger to try to get to counselling.

[Shellz]

BNB: You have convinced me over & over again to be a bitter old *******. You really need to go away!!!!!!!!

For anyone who says it's simple, "stay together or divorce," you also need a head check. It is not simple. That would be extremely difficult, especially when there is a 6 yr old in the middle. I am trying to put my feelings aside for the MM & repair my marriage. My H makes it extremely difficult by his assaults on me 2-3 nights a week. Telling me he wishes "I was dead" and I am a "bottom feeder" and much worse. This goes on for hours. Am I supposed to take this indefinitely??

[Lookingforward]

Difficult, but not impossible - people with bad marriages and children divorce every day.

 

You will 'put up with this' as long as do. How long that is, is entirely up to you, isn't it?

[bentnotbroken]

BNB: You have convinced me over & over again to be a bitter old *******. You really need to go away!!!!!!!!

For anyone who says it's simple, "stay together or divorce," you also need a head check. It is not simple. That would be extremely difficult, especially when there is a 6 yr old in the middle. I am trying to put my feelings aside for the MM & repair my marriage. My H makes it extremely difficult by his assaults on me 2-3 nights a week. Telling me he wishes "I was dead" and I am a "bottom feeder" and much worse. This goes on for hours. Am I supposed to take this indefinitely??

 

 

I doubt I have convinced you of anything, your brain doesn't function that way. Not only am I not going away, you don't have to respond to my opinions. And FYI, most people don't consider early 40's old:laugh:, bitter, at times, but not a state of being.

 

And if all you stated above is true, you need to leave because this isn't healthy for the 6 year old that is in the middle(before, during and after your affair). I don't recall anyone saying that the process of staying or divorcing was easy(it's the choice to do one or the other). You say you want to stay married, but you want it to be an easy process to do so, it ain't. You say it is too hard to divorce because of your son, it ain't. You my dear are the queen of excuses. You want your actions to disappear and your H reactions to those actions. It ain't going to happen. So that leaves you with 2 choices, stay with him and except what he has to dish, or leave and lead a healthier life style. You use your child as an excuse to stay, is that constant tension and turmoil good for your child? It ain't.

 

This isn't about your child and you know it. It is about your fear. Find out what you are so afraid of and then deal with it and move on to a healthier life, if not for yourself, then your child. Why allow your child to continue to be subjected to such and unhealthy environment?

[Lookingforward]

BNB, this thread has been 'me me me' for the last 3 months, why change it now?

[whichwayisup]

My H makes it extremely difficult by his assaults on me 2-3 nights a week. Telling me he wishes "I was dead" and I am a "bottom feeder" and much worse. This goes on for hours. Am I supposed to take this indefinitely??

 

Shell, then tell your husband you're sick and tired of listening to him dump on your 2/3 times a week and let him know that you won't put up with it anymore. That he has TWO choices - GO TO COUNSELLING with you and on his own OR he can file a divorce from you. Staying and dealing with this stuff is doing MORE damage. You both are doing absolutely NOTHING to fix this. Your child IS suffering from the fallout! Don't think that child isn't aware of the negative energy in your household. You two may think you're keeping it away from your child, but kids hear stuff and internalize it. Your kid has NO idea WHY you two more or less HATE eachother, but I can tell you, the kid is blaming him/herself. (sorry I don't know if your child is a son or a daughter)

 

Bottomline - YOU hold the cards right now since your husband refuses to do counselling, refuses to fix this. If things continue down this road, think about separation. Your child WILL adjust, and who knows, maybe having the kid in two homes, alone with one parent would be better in the long run. No fighting, no negative energy in the house, and also he/she will FEEL loved by both of you one on one.

 

I hope atleast you are doing counselling on your own. If you're not - GO. Make an appointment asap.

[GreenX]

Shell, then tell your husband you're sick and tired of listening to him dump on your 2/3 times a week and let him know that you won't put up with it anymore. That he has TWO choices - GO TO COUNSELLING with you and on his own OR he can file a divorce from you. Staying and dealing with this stuff is doing MORE damage. You both are doing absolutely NOTHING to fix this. Your child IS suffering from the fallout! Don't think that child isn't aware of the negative energy in your household. You two may think you're keeping it away from your child, but kids hear stuff and internalize it. Your kid has NO idea WHY you two more or less HATE eachother, but I can tell you, the kid is blaming him/herself. (sorry I don't know if your child is a son or a daughter)

 

Bottomline - YOU hold the cards right now since your husband refuses to do counselling, refuses to fix this. If things continue down this road, think about separation. Your child WILL adjust, and who knows, maybe having the kid in two homes, alone with one parent would be better in the long run. No fighting, no negative energy in the house, and also he/she will FEEL loved by both of you one on one.

 

I hope atleast you are doing counselling on your own. If you're not - GO. Make an appointment asap.

 

I agree, wholeheartedly. Your child may not be around the fights but do not underestimate what a child knows or comprehends. You definitely do not want your son growing up feeling that he had any part in the fallout of his parents.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, some greater than others. Your marriage has been like a ticking bomb waiting to go off for years. Neither your husband or yourself did the neccessary things to make it work. The A was the key component that set that bomb off. The aftermath now that you're both going through is a result of the A. It doesn't just go away, there will always be remnants of it.

 

For one moment try to think of no one but your son. Honestly, what would be the best possible outcome for him? Obviously, for him to be happy. So, what has to be done in order to get that? Once a child is involved there is no more "me, me, me", your child becomes #1. Make a good life for him. He doesn't deserve to live through what your marriage has become.

 

Bottom line: you done wrong. But, you do not deserve to be abused daily because of it. However, because your husband is being abusive (verbally), it does not erase the fact of what you did. It will always be there, haunting you and him. Your H needs to seek help for his feelings and to learn how to cope, forgive (if he can) and never forget. Forgetting is not an option, it'll always be there in the back of his mind but if you prove to him (through actions) that you're 100% dedicated to making your marriage work it will help him through the healing process.

 

Obviously whatever it is that you're both trying now isn't working so hopefully there is another way (therapy, for you both, individual and together) to attack the disease that has invaded your marriage - but, remember that not everything has a cure.

[The_411]

Shellz,

 

You come here and cry woe is me woe is me. There are those who take action and those who play the victim.

 

Guess what it is that damn simple. If someone is beating you do whatever it takes. If you are out of job and need to put food on the table you hustle and make money just about anyway you can.

 

Your husband should be pissed at you. You spread your legs for another man. Did you expect him to say oh that's nice dear I was angry at you but now we can go back to the way things were?

 

The thing is you are not repentant and you are weak. A person of strength admits the mistake(s) made and acts decisively.

 

If you truly loved your husband you'd be honest with him open up all your passwords etc and tell him where you are going what you are doing and you leave the decision in his hands if he wants to take you back.

 

Or you say to your husband, "You deserve someone who loves you and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I free you from our marriage and we should get a divorce"

 

These are simple issues of character. You choose rewrite history, avoid taking responsibility, and lash out when someone actually calls you out and takes you to task.

 

Frankly no one cares that you are all the things you claim to be because they are meaningless. A person's character is a person's beauty.

 

Stop acting like an irresponsible little kid. You are 38 years old start acting like it.