I'm in love with my MM

[Untouchable_Fire]

That was an extremely nasty message. You must be very bitter!! Of course I have more to offer. I was just stating the obvious things that he made comparisons to. He also said I was sweet, caring, loving & made him feel like he never felt before. Not even when they first started dating.

 

Your first inclination is to define yourself by your looks. That is a slippery slope, I hope you see that.

 

I'm not looking for what HE said about your other good qualities. I was much more interested in what YOU think your qualities are. Do you define yourself through what men think of you?

 

Now you all have to keep in mind that I have known him for 12 yrs very closely. It's not like I met him in a bar one night. I KNOW him & his history. He complained about his W all the time to my H when they worked together. My H used to tell me all the time. He was content, but not happy. You are all bashing me pretty badly. What makes you think that he isn't thinking the same things I am, but just not posting it??? B/c his wife is watching every move he makes closely. What makes you think that he wasn't an escape for me? And then deep feelings developed on both sides. I know he was crabby all the time, b/c his wife told me! She said he wasn't doing anything around the house which co-incided with what he told me. He said he couldn't get anything done b/c all he could think about was me. I do believe him, b/c I had the details from his W!!

 

The greatest lies are wrapped up in truth. His feelings for you run only as deep as what you can do for him... not much deeper.

 

Besides, does it matter if he loves you? At the end of the day... he walks away and leaves you empty handed. I don't think that's love. Not when compared to someone who stands by you...

 

WHY am I the bad guy & hot him?? Who is to say that he isn't settling for security in his marriage, but is still thinking about me? He told me a few days ago that he thinks about me all the time. Security is a big issue, it is part of why I don't want a divorce.

 

Where I talking to him... I would be very acidic. I think he is ultimately the bad person here. Judging by your attitude, your not that far behind. Do you know what separates good people from bad people? Good people make choices that are for the benefit of everyone, and set aside thier selfishness to do so. Sometimes doing that is hard... and it hurts.

 

Settling... security... sadness. When you settle for security you are only left with sadness. Because in the end security can't overcome settling.

 

I do love my husband, but not like that. We have a nearly 6 yr. old who is spectacular & super smart. So I am trying as hard as I can to try & hopefully get those feelings back for my H. BUT, in the meantime I am totally lost w/o my lover & am miserable. It is so easy for you to judge, but if you haven't been in a similar situation, you really can't. I am extremely frustrated by these posts!

 

No, I know exactly where your at... and where your coming from! Listen to someone who has been there before! There comes a point where it's too late to do the right thing. Where you have flushed your life and that of your childs down the toilet. Take action now while you still have the chance!

 

Why do you want to fix your marriage? As long as you cling to this OM, you can't, and your wasting everyone's time.

 

I know this is all tough to swallow, but just think about it for some time.

[nadiaj2727]

Screwdover is right about some of the things she says its true that nothing will keep him from being with you or in my case my married man from being with me, however in my case i have come to the realization that he is married and i just enjoy him when we can enjoy eachother and although i am in love with him and wish nothing more than to be with him all the time i also do not want to wash his clothes, cook his dinners or raise his kids i enjoy having children who are grown and i can come and go when ever i want with who ever i want to. in your case i dont know if you want to do all those things for him maybe you do and if you do then that is something you will have to work out with your MM, however if he doesnt want to continue the A then this will be difficult. both of you have to want to continue the A. Well do what you want to do as long as you know what you ar doing i can tell you that it hurts alot to know that the man you are in love with goes home to his wife and its even gross when you know how awful she looks and how sloppy she is i know i think everyday what the hell does he see in her but i also know that one day i will find the right man for me even if it takes another ten years im only 40 so im still young

 

I think it's sad that you're putting up with a situation that hurts you so badly and yet telling other people not to listen to people who have been hurt from the other side. When I came here as an OW I would rather listen to the people who have found their way out of hurt than people still struggling with all the hurt and not doing anything about it except trying to accept it. I think BNB gives great advice and it's foolish to not listen to it just because it's from the viewpoint of the other woman involved in this triangle-- MM's wife. In fact I think it's wise to consider all aspects of our actions and how they are affecting other people. But what do I know, I'm just someone who stopped being an OW because it was hurting me and other people. I guess from your reasoning since I have suffered hurt (inflicted on me by MYSELF, not my partner & his AP) my viewpoint isn't worth listening to either...

[Shellz]

My bitter remark was to untouchable fire. I have some bad comments here, but this one was extreme. I am looking for something here to help, not judgements. I was not calling other people fat, boring, etc.. That is what HE said! By the way, his wife wasn't his choice all along. He made that clear to me. It was when she said whatever she did at d-day that scared him. That really sucks for her to know that her husband would really like to be with someone else.

[Shellz]

He also said I was sweet, caring, loving & made him feel like he never felt before.

 

Because you don't share kids, responsibilities, a house, garbage to take out, inlaws to bicker over, taxes to pay, etc. You have nothing between you but lust and fun. Of course it makes him feel like never before... You probably know this from your own marriage -- the drudgery of daily life can get in the way big time.

 

 

He complained about his W all the time to my H when they worked together. My H used to tell me all the time. He was content, but not happy.

 

 

So you want to marry this guy and you think that once the drudgery of daily life kicks in, he won't be complaining about you at the office water cooler, and eventually to his new OW? Step out of the fantasy. If he is capable of cheating on his wife, he is most definitely capable of cheating on you.

 

 

 

I know he was crabby all the time, b/c his wife told me! She said he wasn't doing anything around the house which co-incided with what he told me.

 

 

He was crabby and unhelpful around the house because he was distant from her and distracted by his addiction - which was you. I'm trying to be gentle here, but his addiction was probably not as personal as you'd like to think it was. He was addicted to how you made him feel. It could have been any other woman who stroked his ego and gave him sex. Or it could have been vodka. Or crack. He was crabby around home because he needed his "fix." My husband was like that too. On D-day, I busted him and offered him his wife and family, or a walk down to the courthouse - immediately - to file. Then he had to agree to a whole ton of work to do on himself, which he is still doing. When the fog cleared, he was so grateful to have this second chance and no longer is he the distant, lazy, uncaring person he used to be, in our relationship and in our home. He describes it as a near-death experience, and having a new chance at life. Your MM may well be going through the same thing. PLEASE - leave him alone. He has made his choice and if you honestly care about this man you will quit contacting him.

 

 

WHY am I the bad guy & not him??

 

 

No one said you are the bad guy. Nor is he. You are both just messed up. But your continued contact of him -- when he has chosen to work on his marriage and not stay with you -- is not making you look like a super upstanding citizen, hon.

 

 

Who is to say that he isn't settling for security in his marriage, but is still thinking about me?

 

 

Who really cares? He is not choosing you, so this is not an issue you need to care about. You need to let go and stop contacting him. He can't let go of his addiction - nor can you let go of yours - until you go cold turkey.

 

 

Security is a big issue, it is part of why I don't want a divorce. I do love my husband, but not like that. We have a nearly 6 yr. old who is spectacular & super smart. So I am trying as hard as I can to try & hopefully get those feelings back for my H. BUT, in the meantime I am totally lost w/o my lover & am miserable.

 

 

You really need help. Are you in counseling? You can't get back these feelings for your husband until you completely stop contacting your MM and focus on YOUR family. I'd bet my house that you are an addict. You are not "in love" with this MM. You are in love with the way he makes you feel about yourself.

 

My guess is that you may come from a family where alcoholism or other addictions are present. Is that true?

 

You really should talk to a therapist. They will not judge you and trust me, they have seen and heard EVERYTHING. You will not be the first OW to walk in and share her story, and not the last. You will not be the first person with addiction issues to share her story, nor the last. At least go talk to someone. It could do you a world of good.

 

Best of luck.

He also said I was sweet, caring, loving & made him feel like he never felt before.

 

Because you don't share kids, responsibilities, a house, garbage to take out, inlaws to bicker over, taxes to pay, etc. You have nothing between you but lust and fun. Of course it makes him feel like never before... You probably know this from your own marriage -- the drudgery of daily life can get in the way big time.

[Shellz]

Okay I see that point. How does every relationship start out? You start out dating & fun & sex & obviously you aren't sharing daily responsibilities like bills, kids, etc. That comes later. So that is a wash! I know that he loves me, but his W threatened him with everything & his kids said they would hate him if he was with me. That is the bottom line. I am not an addict. It has been 4 months since d-day. I am just in love with him, plain & simple. I think he feels the same about me, but his W is scaring him into what he has to lose. So he would rather not risk it. He is not a player & I know this from being close family friends for so long. We have always had a connection from day 1 which was 12 yrs ago. It is all just bad timing & unfortunately it has affected our families probably beyond repair. No matter what you say, I know he would rather be with me & my H knows I would rather be w/him. So I guess we will live in a life of regret. I have heard so many different analysis, but is plain & clear to me. I came here for help, but so much of it has been judgements & way too much analysis. Thanks anyways!

[bentnotbroken]

Okay I see that point. How does every relationship start out? You start out dating & fun & sex & obviously you aren't sharing daily responsibilities like bills, kids, etc. That comes later. So that is a wash! I know that he loves me, but his W threatened him with everything & his kids said they would hate him if he was with me. That is the bottom line. I am not an addict. It has been 4 months since d-day. I am just in love with him, plain & simple. I think he feels the same about me, but his W is scaring him into what he has to lose. So he would rather not risk it. He is not a player & I know this from being close family friends for so long. We have always had a connection from day 1 which was 12 yrs ago. It is all just bad timing & unfortunately it has affected our families probably beyond repair. No matter what you say, I know he would rather be with me & my H knows I would rather be w/him. So I guess we will live in a life of regret. I have heard so many different analysis, but is plain & clear to me. I came here for help, but so much of it has been judgements & way too much analysis. Thanks anyways!

 

 

 

 

So if you don't want your H why do you stay? Did he theaten you with something? Did he scare you into staying with him? If the answer to these is yes, then you need to seek legal avenues. If the answer is no, why is so hard to believe that the man you are sleeping with decided to stay with his W, just like you did your H? Like I said before, two cowards who would rather make someone else's life miserable, than run to the one they lust after.

[astra77]

I know that he loves me, but his W threatened him with everything & his kids said they would hate him if he was with me. That is the bottom line.

 

 

This is the point when it went from being a "potential new loving relationship" to a "full blown affair".

 

My XMM (FORMER BOSS) "tested the waters with the W"

 

HE told her he "kissed" someone else - not letting on who AS I OFTEN SPOKE TO HIS W ON THE PHONE IN THE OFFICE - she packed up the kiddies and took them to nannas for a few days.

 

Now I didnt realise it at the time - it just came to a head today as the euphoria and bubble world WE were in was firmly in place - but this was his way to see what would happen if he "jumped out of the M and into my lap" He didnt like what happened, didnt like that W took HIS kiddies, but HE thought oh f**k it, I can have my cake and eat it too. Screw the W. Im still gonna sleep with my girl, the OW

 

THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE NOR IS IT REAL LOVE.

 

ON YOUR PART YOU MAY LOVE HIM, BUT HE STOPPED LOVING YOU COZ WIFEY SCARED HIM SO HE SETTLED FOR A BIT OF FLUFF ON THE SIDE

 

I know you love him, and he wants you to believe that he still loves you, but the day that a MM gets scared by the W after testing the waters- it needs to stop as he no longer loves you like you think he does.

 

If the A continues, he will look at you like a real life blow up doll, and tell you AND HIMSELF whatever he needs to to get him through the day, and ULTIMATELY into you knickers

[Owl]

So when are you filing for divorce?

[bentnotbroken]

So when are you filing for divorce?

 

 

 

I have the same question.

[Shellz]

No my H didn't threaten me with anything. I don't want to get a divorce necessarily. I don't want to do anything stupid. If my MM would do something then I would do something. I totally agree that we are both cowards!! He is totally scared that he will be screwed over financially, when he can retire in about 5 yrs. If she gets half of his retirement, he feels like he can't live on that. Even though I will get half of MY H retirement as well. I basically put myself out there for him & he didn't for me. Being a female, I think I will get screwed more than him. I don't have a regular job, which I would have to get. I am not going to leave my husband if my MM isn't going to leave as well. I know this sounds ****ty, but if this is the case then I have to try to keep my family together. I do KNOW that he loves me, but obviously not as much as he loves his current life. I also know that he will live in regret forever, b/c I truly KNOW him. None of this really matters in the whole grand scheme of things, if he is choosing her. I atleast know that what I feel is true love. I have never felt so empty like I feel now. I have a pit in my stomach all the time & feel like I am going to throw up. It is only getting worse as every day goes by.

[pelicanpreacher]

No my H didn't threaten me with anything. I don't want to get a divorce necessarily. I don't want to do anything stupid.

 

I think we can all agree that the "SS Stupid" sailed a long time ago. Right now its mothballed on the Innanity Coast if you care to find it again!

 

If my MM would do something then I would do something. I totally agree that we are both cowards!! He is totally scared that he will be screwed over financially, when he can retire in about 5 yrs. If she gets half of his retirement, he feels like he can't live on that. Even though I will get half of MY H retirement as well. I basically put myself out there for him & he didn't for me. Being a female, I think I will get screwed more than him. I don't have a regular job, which I would have to get. I am not going to leave my husband if my MM isn't going to leave as well. I know this sounds ****ty, but if this is the case then I have to try to keep my family together. I do KNOW that he loves me, but obviously not as much as he loves his current life. I also know that he will live in regret forever, b/c I truly KNOW him. None of this really matters in the whole grand scheme of things, if he is choosing her. I atleast know that what I feel is true love. I have never felt so empty like I feel now. I have a pit in my stomach all the time & feel like I am going to throw up. It is only getting worse as every day goes by.

 

I'd like you to have a heart to heart with your husband where you can reveal everything you've just posted to get his take on your perspective. I'm guessing though that, since his demotion, he's not only lost all right to your fidelity but the truth as well, right?! Well, you'd better hope that his mind doesn't wander unto itself too long and come up with its own scenarios and solutions for I highly doubt any outcome he derives will remotely please your assessments for the future. By then he won't give a darn about what you think so you'll still end up alone with your marriage smoldering on a refuse heap and having to face the real world of having to WORKING FOR A LIVING anyways!

 

You'd better get over this fear of being alone quick, fast, and in a hurry because alone is where you're heading...quick, fast, and in a hurry!

[pentacle]

I'm just going to reiterate something said earlier.

 

If you both truly loved one another and wanted to be together you would have done it at the earliest opportunity. The calculations of you first, sneaking around behind your partners backs, concerns of what will the kids think, financial considerations (especially as his kids are quite old) would have made no difference - you would have decided that being together was much more important than any of that. You would have just done it. Because socially it is possible, there are really only a few financial consequences.

 

The fact that you didn't shows that for both of you this was an exciting, illicit fantasy that you used to brighten up your lives and relationships because you had both allowed them to slip from focus. Sometimes affairs like this can be the making of you - it helps you ( and your H and OMM and MMW) work out what you really want from your life. Note that even if things seem settled and calm at the moment, you can bet the fall out will be going on for the next couple of years. It sounds to me that your marriage won't last because at the moment you are not focussing and committing to it, in fact you are telling your husband you don't want to do that.

 

You know how you feel knowing MM has rejected you, telling you he wants his wife, rejecting your attempts to talk to him and pursue him etc and he's still rejecting you.

 

Now put yourself in your husband's position - you have rejected him and he's trying to hold on to the relationship, pursue etc and you are still rejecting him by telling him you want to be with OMM who is also his so close brother friend.

 

Do you see how you are hurting him the way MM is hurting you? Both of you no doubt saying well I know he/ she loves me.........

 

The difference is that the guy being hurt here is your husband, someone you chose to marry, someone you obviously had feelings for, someone you have a shared history, child and home with. And you are hurting him. He is willing to try with you to recapture something (the way you say you are with OMM). But you are still hurting him (the way OMM is hurting you). And all the while you focus on OMM you are not even listening to your husband, you are not caring about his feelings, and you are hurting him. Your posts never speak of caring anything for what your husband feels. Because you are not focussed on him. You are hurting him.

 

Do you want to hurt people?

 

Because you can choose to manage this situation right now and make the best decision for all of you.

 

Or you can carry on hurting people. You can continue to dream about a man that does not want you and ignore the feelings of the people who have been closest to you, who have shared their lives with you, who trusted you, who cared for you. Who thought you loved them.

 

Your choice, as OWL said is to divorce your husband or to actually really try to save your marriage, which takes focus.

 

If you don't and you continue to hurt your husband this way, then I rather think that within a couple of years he will have made the decision for you, and he will reject you. And sexy and smart as you think you are, as good a catch as you think you are, pursuing OMM, you will have another man rejecting you.

 

You are still in fantasy land. Look at your posts. You liked the way he made you feel - you being his perfect woman, being chosen above his wife etc. Everyone here has been trying to jolt you into real life. I hope you can see the posts with some kind of objectivity and take something from them to help you.

 

Because my concern really is that you say you want help, but your response to the majority has been that we are bashing you and we don't understand. Which implies you aren't taking on board the help you asked for, that has been given here freely, and is really what you do need to deal with. So it begs the question of what help you were expecting to receive? Permission to continue to pursue the OMM? Because you truly are deluded if you think that was going to be the help anyone would offer.

[pelicanpreacher]

. Even though I will get half of MY H retirement as well

 

Waaaaait a minute. I think we've been reading you all wrong, haven't we! Since you've allied yourself so far against your husband's interests that you're analysing marital assets he's solely worked for, built, slaved for, and provided just because the State says you get half then the feelings you have for MM must be love for you certainly have to hate your husband to even think of touching a dime of it to support your affair! As for your husband's amazing attitude to stay with you, I can see now that it's not a decision completely of his own volition but instead, the veiled threat that YOU WILL financially ruin him if he ever tried to leave YOU!

 

Let us pray..

 

"Dear Lord please give this woman's husband the strength to give up and give this woman the freedom she so desperately desires no matter what financial, emotional, and spiritual pain he shall suffer today for no amount of money shall assauge the mountain of grief and torment that layeth in wait for this man shall he contend to stay with this woman for his remaining tomorrows!'

 

Amen!

[Owl]

I have to agree.

 

I've posted some direct advice...not bashing or attacking at all.

 

EVERY suggestion has been summarily dismissed.

 

Until you WANT to take steps forward, there is absolutely nothing any of us can do here to help you.

 

You're not willing to be honest with your H. You're not willing to end your marriage. You're not willing to end the affair. You're not willing to do ANYTHING to change your situation unless its good for YOU, and YOU ONLY.

 

I'll drop off your thread now...good luck. I wish you, your MM, and your H the best.

[Shellz]

To pelican preacher: Let me guess, you were cheated on? In the State of Ohio, you split the husband's retirement regardless of the circumstances. My H would never accept threats from me! When I was pregnant, we decided that I would stay home with the baby as he was growing up. I gave up a job that I loved. Just to let you know, My H never treated me like he should have & he realizes this now. I was constantly criticized, even though I had a baby attached to my tit every 2 hrs & was never able to get anything done. You really don't know what you are talking about on this one.

[Shellz]

To Pentacle: When kids are threatening that they will never talk to you again, you would take that into consideration big time. When d-day happened, I was honest w/my H & told him I wanted to be with the other guy. So I was totally on board. What transpired on my MM's side I really don't know besides the fact his kids said they would hate him if he was with me (due to our long history) & the financial concerns that his W hit him with. He apparently isn't a strong willed guy. He let that cloud his judgement. I am trying to get him to be honest with himself & to realize that this is the life he REALLY wants? I don't want to force himself into something he doesn't want. But, I want him to remember what we had & to be sure he is making the right decision & not be deluded by what is being said. I absolutely know this affair was horribly wrong, but we always thought we were soulmates. I know I am dwelling on this still. I am hoping there is 1 person here who can relate to this. I really do want to get over him & get on with my life, but I just can't!! It is driving me crazy & I am sick of it. I really am so much better than this. I know I sound so horrible, but I really do care about my H's feelings. He feels like I do in the opposite way. I really do love him, but not in the way I should. I don't have the balls to tell him I wan't to separate. My actions have shown that I am a chicken ****. I hate the person that I am right now.

[pelicanpreacher]

To pelican preacher: Let me guess, you were cheated on? In the State of Ohio, you split the husband's retirement regardless of the circumstances. My H would never accept threats from me! When I was pregnant, we decided that I would stay home with the baby as he was growing up. I gave up a job that I loved. Just to let you know, My H never treated me like he should have & he realizes this now. I was constantly criticized, even though I had a baby attached to my tit every 2 hrs & was never able to get anything done. You really don't know what you are talking about on this one.

 

I beg to differ my dear for I've lived in Ohio since 1974. I grew up an AirForce brat so I had the opportunity to experience the personalities of a wide cross-section of America growing up. The problem, as I see it, stems from the attitudes of people growing up in a more intensely industrialised climate, as opposed to an agrarian culture found largely in the south, which supports an arrogant superiority that comes with a higher standard of living. People in Ohio and other northern climes have the misguided notion that because they live where they live they're somehow smarter and more sophisticated than someone from down south. Worse yet, the court system in Ohio is blatantly biased towards women in all manner of law so men become ingrained fairly early on as to what they stand to lose if they face a woman in court.

 

Case one in point, my youngest brother was accused by his then "fiancee" of fathering her baby. The courts attempted to intimidate him into accepting parentage by stipulating that if he pursued a DNA test and was found "guilty" that he would not only face a $5000 fee for the test but arrearages and also civil penalties for attempting to skirt his responsibilities to the child. He was ready to cow down to this extortion until I and other members of my family banded behind to get the test done! Of course, the baby wasn't his but that didn't even stop the courts from harrassing him even though he was never married to the girl.

 

2nd case in point, my younger brother of one age difference did happen to farther a child with a woman and got slapped with a child support order of damned near $800 per month (to this day I can't figure out why Gunny's calculations didn't come into play here) that she received it till he was almost 20 years old just by moving him around during highschool so he couldn't graduate!

 

I in fact was cheated on by someone just like you who burned me financially to the tune of $47,000.00. The courts ruled the fact that all expenses that were charged soley on my credit during what I perceive as our "common law" relationship to state that everything charged and allowed to retain in her possession were a gift even though I provided proof that she couldn't obtain credit on her own during this time period due to her poor credit rating.

 

Your husband KNOWS that he stands to lose a lot more than just half his retirement. He is looking at the loss of his home, child support, and spousal support for an indeterminate period of time. All because he "criticised you" and "hurt your feelings" by not treating you the way a princess feels entitled to!

 

So, anytime you want to chirp at me about "what I know or don't know" feel free to "froggy up" because I'll be happy to go nose to nose and toe to toe with you anytime, anyplace!

 

There is little a man should expect from a woman from Ohio because there is very little woman in her! My next relationship will be with a southern girl who knows how to appreciate a man and all he does for her...

thank you very much!

[Lookingforward]

So when are you filing for divorce?

 

She won't. She has stated she's not prepared to jump ship unless she knows the MM is waiting down below with a life raft and MM won't be doing that as he prefers to stay on his own ship, leaking like a sieve though it may be.....

 

So this is what "true love" looks like huh ? Lord save me from that version.......

[noreply110]

Shellz- Point Blank-

 

If your MM wanted you more he would be with you. Period.

 

He had the chance. He knew you were there. But he doesn't even like you enough to call you and tell you what happened. Thats why you hurt so much. You got Dumped. His kids are teen-agers. They are not babies. They will get over it. Its an excuse, and not even a good one.

 

And now you decide to torture the only innocent victim here, your husband. You don't get what you want, so he doesn't deserve a good life? With someone who loves and adores him, the way you so desperatly want to be loved and adored by your MM?

 

That is why you are the bad guy. You are destroying your husband's life because you didn't get what you want. Wow.

[bentnotbroken]

1) He apparently isn't a strong willed guy. He let that cloud his judgement. I am trying to get him to be honest with himself & to realize that this is the life he REALLY wants? I don't want to force himself into something he doesn't want. But, I want him to remember what we had & to be sure he is making the right decision & not be deluded by what is being said. I absolutely know this affair was horribly wrong, but we always thought we were soulmates.

 

No he isn't a strong willed guy. He had and A. He chose to put his life, his families life and his future with that family in jeopardy. How is a liar going to be honest with himself, but lie to everyone else? He doesn't know how to tell the truth. He was deluded when he you and he planned, by thinking everyone would just get over it and allow him to remain in their lives. He truly only has two choices, you or his family. I think he has made a decision, don't you? So why are you not willing to leave him alone? Soul mates means what? You have to have a soul to have a soul mate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2)I really am so much better than this. I know I sound so horrible, but I really do care about my H's feelings. He feels like I do in the opposite way. I really do love him, but not in the way I should. I don't have the balls to tell him I wan't to separate. My actions have shown that I am a chicken ****. I hate the person that I am right now.

 

Since you can't grow a set of balls, maybe you should think about buying a set and let your husband find true love.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know how I messed your post up:eek:I'm not great with computers. Sorry.

[soda]

He apparently isn't a strong willed guy. He let that cloud his judgement.

 

Or maybe, he realized that you were clouding his judgment. After all, what did you really have? How many responsibilities did you have to face together? Did you raise children, pay bills, or have to be there for each other during your darkest hours? No, those were things that you shouldered on your spouses.

 

The truth is that he just ain't that into you. He liked the fantasy world that the two of you lived in. When it came time to take on the real world with you, he didn't want to do it. What does that say about what you had together?

 

Sharing a motel room takes little effort. Raising a family requires sacrifice.

 

So, what are you doing to repair your marriage?

[Shellz]

Pelicanpreacher: It was way more than just criticism. He verbally abused me since high school. I probably shouldn't have married him. But I loved & wanted him so much, that I did. How would you like to be called "a piece of garbage" over & over again?? This was years ago, but it still sticks. He once threw a beer in my face at a bar and I still don't know why. There have been incidents. The constant bitterness & the tone he always took with me. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. Sometimes I was afraid to go places, afraid that he would go off. Love fades after all this. Yes, the ideal thing that I could do was tell him that I was considering an affair (This is what my H says). That is not usually the way it goes. I wasn't planning on an affair at all.

 

To noreply110: His wife & family made him call me & tell me that was over. That was the only explanation I got from him except when I called him & he cried over it. I think babies are better at adapting than teenagers. I do agree that they would get over it. But he keeps saying that they are crushed & he doesn't want to risk them not talking to him again. I do not want to torture my husband. I am just so conflicted & I think being a female is just inheritently a lot harder. My H is great now that he realized his faults, but he damaged me severly over the years & I don't know if that is repairable. Plus, he has been getting in my face big time over the past couple months constantly about the A. Saying absolute horrible things, which makes me really not like him. I wonder if he is doing this on purpose to make me end it.

[Lyssa]

My H is great now that he realized his faults, but he damaged me severly over the years & I don't know if that is repairable. Plus, he has been getting in my face big time over the past couple months constantly about the A. Saying absolute horrible things, which makes me really not like him. I wonder if he is doing this on purpose to make me end it.

 

Hi Shellz, I had a hard time getting over one of my ex who was very mentally and emotionally abusive. What helped me get through it was talking to my family and friends. Have you tried talking to someone professionally (I'm sorry if you hav mentioned it somewhere in your thread)? Maybe that can help you repair what's been damaged.

[bentnotbroken]

Pelicanpreacher: It was way more than just criticism. He verbally abused me since high school. I probably shouldn't have married him. But I loved & wanted him so much, that I did. How would you like to be called "a piece of garbage" over & over again?? This was years ago, but it still sticks. He once threw a beer in my face at a bar and I still don't know why. There have been incidents. The constant bitterness & the tone he always took with me. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. Sometimes I was afraid to go places, afraid that he would go off. Love fades after all this. Yes, the ideal thing that I could do was tell him that I was considering an affair (This is what my H says). That is not usually the way it goes. I wasn't planning on an affair at all.

 

To noreply110: His wife & family made him call me & tell me that was over. That was the only explanation I got from him except when I called him & he cried over it. I think babies are better at adapting than teenagers. I do agree that they would get over it. But he keeps saying that they are crushed & he doesn't want to risk them not talking to him again. I do not want to torture my husband. I am just so conflicted & I think being a female is just inheritently a lot harder. My H is great now that he realized his faults, but he damaged me severly over the years & I don't know if that is repairable. Plus, he has been getting in my face big time over the past couple months constantly about the A. Saying absolute horrible things, which makes me really not like him. I wonder if he is doing this on purpose to make me end it.

 

 

He is hurt and angry about your betrayal. I understand what you are saying about the abuse and the long lasting affects. Still he life was invaded by someone you invited into it. That makes you feel violated. Your trust, privacy, every nook and cranny of your life is now suspect. You chose not to deal with your issues in a mature way, and now you have piled onto the mess of your life. The things you keep doing to each other is wrong and only makes things more destructive.