I'm in love with my MM

[bentnotbroken]

She's in an absolute fog.

 

Here's what will bring her out of it...

 

She'll wreck her marriage, OM's marriage, lose the respect of her friends and family, leave her child in a broken home...and end up alone.

 

OM STILL won't want her. If he did, he'd be with her right now.

 

This sounds like magic to me.

 

 

So so true. An extra unfortunate side effect would be the physical harm. No I am not advocating she gets hurt, but some times people can be pushed over the edge. She needs to back off and either repair her family or leave her H alone.

[Owl]

I would love to be with my MM. That would be my magical wand. My son will be in kindergarten in the a.m. That is not enough time to get a fulltime job. I do not want to take my H to the cleaners. He does not deserve that. You don't realize how much money you can bring in being a dog walker! This is not a fairy tale by any means. It is a nightmare, b/c our families are so close. It is not going to happen, so it doesn't matter. I still do love & respect my H, but he is making it harder & harder to feel those feelings again.

 

Then what's stopping you?

 

Walk out. Find your own place. Start the seperation today...emotionally, legally, financially. Take your "half" of the existing "stuff"...and head on out into the world.

 

Tell OM that you've got your own place and you're ready and waiting for him there...that you've left, and there's no reason why he can't either.

 

I don't see what the deal is...this is simple. If your desire is so clear, so plain and easy to choose...then just MAKE IT HAPPEN.

 

The ONLY thing stopping you right now is YOU.

[pollywag]

I would love to be with my MM. That would be my magical wand. My son will be in kindergarten in the a.m. That is not enough time to get a fulltime job. I do not want to take my H to the cleaners. He does not deserve that. You don't realize how much money you can bring in being a dog walker! This is not a fairy tale by any means. It is a nightmare, b/c our families are so close. It is not going to happen, so it doesn't matter. I still do love & respect my H, but he is making it harder & harder to feel those feelings again.

 

 

Of course you would Shellz, a lot of married people who decide to stay after an affair would love to be with the OP but aren't because they choose to do the "right" thing instead, and because the change is just too disruptive to themselves and the children. They don't want to be outcasted and made to feel like they are even lower than they are for what they did so they sacrifice their own happiness in order to do what's "right"

 

In life you have to lose to win sometimes, so if you aren't willing to take a chance at losing then you will never win.

[Chrome Barracuda]

BS pollywag!!!!

 

She could be jumping outta the frying pan and into the fire.

 

Even she knows in her head the affair wont last and the OM isnt the one. If she leaves her marriage it would probably be for nothing anyways'. The OM isnt gonna be with her and once she leaves her H , if she leaves he might just get tired of her BS and move on anyways! lol.

[whichwayisup]

but he is making it harder & harder to feel those feelings again.

 

In what way? By asking you to be honest with him and prove yourself to him? Or because he is still hurting and feeling mistrustful towards you?

[cyabye]

i have been cheated on. And i have been a product of divorce and seen how my mother had to struggle alone with 3 children and no support. I remember blaming myself for the breakup of my stepdad and my mom. I remember wondering why doesn't my own father come to try and find me and my brother. So, if that is being bitter, hell yeah! And you deserve every bit of "nastiness" you get.

 

It is people like you that many of us have problems forming relationships. Because we as children had to go to sleep hurt, scared, mad, etc. Because their dreams of what their life is shattered by two or more soulless, morally putrid, pieces of humanity are willing to disrupt our lives. We had to see our mothers or fathers bite back their own fears and tears in order to show us strength and security. Why as adults many become like one of their parents, meaning that they either turn into adulterers themselves or find themselves as single parents. Why so many lack confidence or trust in themselves or others on an intimate level. Why, because stupid people think that adultery does not affect their kids. Well it does, it does not matter if your child was a troubled teen or a straight "a" student...it affects them in places you can't see.

 

So, if there is bitterness and nastiness, suck it the heck up. Your the one who wanted to air your dirt laundry and think one wasn't going to reply to the stench. If you expect sympathy because your married man decided not to be with you, count is as the consequence of one's actions and failings. Chalk it up to experience and make wiser choices next time. Don't be slothful, find your own man with no strings attached and find the happiness you want and deserve. But, make sure your unattached so your not making a mockery of your vows or to the intent and spirit of marriage.

 

 

Dnr

one of the bitter souls if you want to believe such non-sense. If you really want to know what an affair does and why these men and women may be bitter, ask them why they are so.

 

rock on dnr!!! OMG, cry me a river. LOL.

 

C'YA BYE!

[Mino]

I would love to be with my MM. That would be my magical wand. My son will be in kindergarten in the a.m. That is not enough time to get a fulltime job. I do not want to take my H to the cleaners. He does not deserve that. You don't realize how much money you can bring in being a dog walker! This is not a fairy tale by any means. It is a nightmare, b/c our families are so close. It is not going to happen, so it doesn't matter. I still do love & respect my H, but he is making it harder & harder to feel those feelings again.

Your son is in kindergarden... Of coarse there is time... I am sure you heard of after school programs, YMCA... There are millions of women who do make it to work.. I stayed home for the "Baby year" and then I went back, full time... My job required also weekends,,, thats a tough one, but I made it work... So thats a poor excuse for not working. Maybe start your own business... All is possible, just have to set your mind to it..

[Shellz]

He has been verbally torturing me over that last few weeks. The other night it was outright crazy and maniacal. Something I have never seen before. Saying horrible things and taking the batteries out of our phones. It scared me. There is no excuse for that. I have shown him nothing but love & trying to reconcile. My husband has not been a saint. That is part of the reason I did what I did. I know I am totally at fault here, but he told me that took responsibility in this whole thing. He wants things to work out, but he goes off on these rampages that are so hurtful. It keeps me going further away. Yes he is hurt, but he has to let go at some point or it will never get better for either of us.

[bentnotbroken]

He has been verbally torturing me over that last few weeks. The other night it was outright crazy and maniacal. Something I have never seen before. Saying horrible things and taking the batteries out of our phones. It scared me. There is no excuse for that. I have shown him nothing but love & trying to reconcile. My husband has not been a saint. That is part of the reason I did what I did. I know I am totally at fault here, but he told me that took responsibility in this whole thing. He wants things to work out, but he goes off on these rampages that are so hurtful. It keeps me going further away. Yes he is hurt, but he has to let go at some point or it will never get better for either of us.

 

 

Yes, he does have to let it go, at some point, but why are you the one who gets to say when he should heal. Why are you the one who gets to decide the speed at which he no longer hurts? Didn't you get to decide to cheat(you can keep using his behaviour as an excuse as you have, but it doesn't change the fact that you made the choice all on your own and you are the reason for the added mess in your life.

 

Hell, no one in marriage is a saint. Why would you even try to hold him or yourself to a saintly level? You are going farther away because you can't handle the mess you have caused and you just want to confess and then sweep it under the rug. You are moving farther away because you aren't truly committed to owning your mess or working on your marriage. You are still looking for a reason to bail on your marriage. So grow some gonads and just leave. Do yourself and your H a favor. That will be the first unselfish thing you would have done since you created this mess.

[soda]

I have shown him nothing but love & trying to reconcile. .

 

 

What are you talking about? You're still pining for the OM. You've admitted as much.

 

Or do you think "showing him" (i.e. acting) the part is good enough?

 

You will not reconcile your marriage until you put OM out of sight and out of mind. Anything short of that is shortchanging and challenging any attempts to reconcile.

 

You haven't done that yet.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This is a mess that shellz created. Her husband didnt force her to cheat. it was her own choice. And i believe she is exagerating what is actually going on, in fact projecting her negative feelings about her husband.

 

Somehow tarnishing the image of him to brighten the image of the OM.

 

It's called re-writing the marriage. When people have affairs and cling to the idea of the OM they do and say whatever it is to make sure the ideal of it isnt broken.

 

Sorry shellz. you made this mess, grow up and tell the truth. Give your husband the choice it is his marriage too is it not?

[soda]

It's called re-writing the marriage. When people have affairs and cling to the idea of the OM they do and say whatever it is to make sure the ideal of it isnt broken.

 

Sorry shellz. you made this mess, grow up and tell the truth. Give your husband the choice it is his marriage too is it not?

 

Yes, rewriting the marriage. I rode that ride and got the crummy t-shirt. As soon as my wife's EA became a sore spot in our marriage, she invented a crop of buffalo crap "issues" that we were supposedly experiencing.

 

I even think she managed to convince herself. I know that she made a point of convincing others. I think she was prepping the groundwork to justify her affair if she ever got exposed.

 

Fortunately, my friends and family know better.

 

Shellz -- we know better, too.

[cyabye]

He has been verbally torturing me over that last few weeks. The other night it was outright crazy and maniacal. Something I have never seen before. Saying horrible things and taking the batteries out of our phones. It scared me. There is no excuse for that. I have shown him nothing but love & trying to reconcile. My husband has not been a saint. That is part of the reason I did what I did. I know I am totally at fault here, but he told me that took responsibility in this whole thing. He wants things to work out, but he goes off on these rampages that are so hurtful. It keeps me going further away. Yes he is hurt, but he has to let go at some point or it will never get better for either of us.

 

WELCOME TO THE ANGRY PHASE! Yes there is an excuse for his behavior. YOU CHEATED ON HIM. He will let go when he let's go. PERIOD. If you are NOT willing to give him as much time as he needs and respect that fully, then LEAVE. This story sounds all too familiar.

 

C'YA BYE

[Shellz]

So you all think it is okay for him to continually verbally abuse & torture me. Saying the same horrible things over & over again. He has a way of being so extra mean & has always been that way. Of course I know he is angry. But what he is doing is DAMAGING to him & me. It serves no purpose at all. When is that going to end? That is NOT healing, it is re-hashing. I realize that everyone of you who is responding are the ones that were cheated on. If he did this to me with my best friend, there would be no doubt in my mind that he would be gone. I really don't know why he would still want to be with me. Same with the MM & his W. I can't imagine her staying with him after this. Is everyone crazy in this world? Who would stay with their spouse after they had a torrid, passionate, totally in love 6 month affair with their best friend? With plans to leave everything & start a new life together?? It is a shame that I am not getting the other side of the story. This is what has been so frustrating about this site. It seems to be one sided.

[bentnotbroken]

So you all think it is okay for him to continually verbally abuse & torture me. Saying the same horrible things over & over again. He has a way of being so extra mean & has always been that way. Of course I know he is angry. But what he is doing is DAMAGING to him & me. It serves no purpose at all. When is that going to end? That is NOT healing, it is re-hashing. I realize that everyone of you who is responding are the ones that were cheated on. If he did this to me with my best friend, there would be no doubt in my mind that he would be gone. I really don't know why he would still want to be with me. Same with the MM & his W. I can't imagine her staying with him after this. Is everyone crazy in this world? Who would stay with their spouse after they had a torrid, passionate, totally in love 6 month affair with their best friend? With plans to leave everything & start a new life together?? It is a shame that I am not getting the other side of the story. This is what has been so frustrating about this site. It seems to be one sided.

 

 

 

 

Are you listening to yourself. You started with talking about the abuse your H is heaping on you and finish with talking about the torrid,passionate , totally in love 6 month affair with their best friend:eek: This my dear is abuse. Your H just doesn't know this is how you feel. You aren't in the marriage to work on it. You are in it because you are too big a coward to leave. If the MM left his wife, you would drop your H like a long over due turd. You don't want to be with your H. We all see it, you just don't like it because of who it is coming from, bs. Well, I would guess that some OW also see you don't want your H.

 

Here you are all concerned with why his wife stays. It is none of your d*mn business. :mad:Your business is your marriage. MM made is choice and here you are still pining and talking about how your H is treating you and how much you love MM. You are an abuser lady, whether you admit it or not. You are holding a part of yourself from you H and your marriage, because you are hoping that MM will "come to his senses" and come get you. Give me a break. And you talk about rehashing, isn't that what you are doing with this torrid crap and MM. You are rehashing a fantasy that he no longer wants. YOU are doing the same thing your H is. I would bet money that your H feels your insincerity and that you are still hung up on MM. You probably sit at home and whine about H doesn't get you and MM does.

 

Lady you need professional help and you don't deserve your H or the MM. You need to be alone and figure out if you are going to be an adult or a teenage girl with a crush on somebody else's boyfriend.

[Owl]

Shellz...what are YOU doing to put an end to the abuse? How are YOU preventing it...what steps are YOU taking to stop it from happening?

 

No one here says you needs to sit and take any kind of abuse from anyone. THAT is ridiculous.

 

The REAL question here is why are YOU allowing it to happen?

 

FWIW...I may not share BNB's anger quite so much...but the basic gist of her post is right on the money.

 

You wonder why you're H is so hateful/hurtful right now? Well...look at your own posts. Your focus is STILL on OM and his marriage.

 

What are YOU doing to repair/rebuild YOUR OWN MARRIAGE??? What are YOU doing to stop the abuse, change the situation, prevent it from happening again? Have YOU gone out for help/counseling/protection? Have you talked to a therapist...gone to a battered women's shelter...sought counseling? Insisted that your H seek counseling as part of the recovery process?

 

BNB has a lot of this right...you can't sit there and cry "woe is me" when you're not doing anything to FIX THE SITUATION. If you're putting all this time and energy in trying to understand why his wife took him back...YOU'RE WASTING YOUR OWN OPPORTUNITIES TO FIX YOUR OWN SITUATION.

 

Stop worrying about OM's situation...he's DONE with you already...his actions are telling you that clearly.

 

Start working on YOU...and YOUR MARRIAGE.

[soda]

Here you are all concerned with why his wife stays. It is none of your d*mn business. :mad:Your business is your marriage.

 

Shellz doesn't care about her marriage, though. She's made that clear. All she cares about the OM who CLEARLY rejected her and continues to do so. She'd rather make silly excuses for why OM said, "eh, no thanks" than deal with the present.

 

Shellz, did you think that there wouldn't be consequences for your actions? Would you feel better right now if you H were indifferent about your A?

 

I think your anger is directed at the wrong person. Point your finger back at yourself. Your H didn't cheat.

[whichwayisup]

Then divorce him and set him free. If you can't face up to the consquences of your choices and actions and deal with the fallout, take responsibility in your part in ruining the love and faith, trust your H had in you, then walk away now. OR, suck it up, get to counselling together and apart and PROVE to him that you ARE worthy of his love, faith and trust again by fixing you.

 

Blaming him for his anger and outburts, is not going to fix your marriage.

[Shellz]

Oh my gosh, I am going to say for the last time. The people responding are the cheated on & the bitter. None of you are helping whatsoever. I am tired of being bashed by all of you & tired of being bashed by my H friends & family. NOBODY knows the torture & name calling my H has put me through over the years. There is nothing I can do to stop his verbal abuse, besides leave. I am not ready to do that yet. Of course I care about my marriage or I wouldn't still be here to suffer the abuse. All I was saying that I was shocked that she would still want to be with him, being a woman and all. That was not my total focus that you want to make it seem! I am done here, unless someone has something actually helpful to say. You are all bitter, nasty people and are not getting me at all. So **** ya!!! and goodnight!

[Nevermind]

All I was saying that I was shocked that she would still want to be with him, being a woman and all.

 

Are you shocked that your own husband is staying with you, too? Do you want him to end it, rather than having to end it yourself?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Oh my gosh, I am going to say for the last time. The people responding are the cheated on & the bitter. None of you are helping whatsoever. I am tired of being bashed by all of you & tired of being bashed by my H friends & family. NOBODY knows the torture & name calling my H has put me through over the years. There is nothing I can do to stop his verbal abuse, besides leave. I am not ready to do that yet. Of course I care about my marriage or I wouldn't still be here to suffer the abuse. All I was saying that I was shocked that she would still want to be with him, being a woman and all. That was not my total focus that you want to make it seem! I am done here, unless someone has something actually helpful to say. You are all bitter, nasty people and are not getting me at all. So **** ya!!! and goodnight!

 

 

LOL u are so funny shellz....

 

I dont believe he's abusing you. I dont believe he's hurting you. You want people to validate your affair. I just dont think that's gonna happen.

 

And im laughing because the whole situation is a sad one. Your cheating , he's loosing his mind, the OM dont want you, and your lying about it through your teeth.

 

Let me ask you a question, do you think your H is going crazy because he knows your lying and you still wont come clean to him about the OM?

 

it's a possibility.

 

Chew on that for a bit.

[bentnotbroken]

Are you shocked that your own husband is staying with you, too? Do you want him to end it, rather than having to end it yourself?

 

 

Thank you very much. She seems to think that the MM wife has something wrong with her for staying because her H cheated. That means Shellz H has something wrong with him too because he stayed with a cheater. If you are as abused as you say you are, you would leave because the situation isn't healthy for you or your child. If you don't care about you or your H, what about your child living in an abusive situation? That scares a child for life. Stop being selfish and get your child out of that situation, if it is as bad as you say.

[Owl]

Shellz...there was nothing bitter or angry about any of my posts to you. There was nothing but advice and suggestions for you to start doing the work yourself to solve your problems.

 

What were you hoping to get out of this thread?

[bentnotbroken]

I am angry with her. But I don't know what she means about bitterness. I am angry at her because she is not owning anything. She is talking about how bashed she feels, but refuses to acknowledge the pain her bs must feel. She said that she is being bashed by friends and family, could it be they see what we see. They do know you right? They have seen your past actions, right?

 

You continually complain about abuse, why put yourself and your child in a situation that isn't good mentally or emotionally. And yet you added to this instability by having and affair with a MM. Then you go home and pine for the married man. Do you really not see your part in this unhealthy situation. If I learned anything with Mr. Messy, it is that my children deserve to live in peace and security. That's why we aren't together.

 

I could have taken him back the numerous times that he begged. But that wouldn't be emotionally healthy for me, my kids or Mr. Messy. Someone needs to be an adult in your M. Is it going to be you or are you going to wait for your H to do it and complain about his abuse while you wait for him to mature? Or will you have another affair, because you have a built in excuse, "he is verbally abusive".

 

Like Owl said, what do yo hope to get out of this thread?

[soda]

Oh my gosh, I am going to say for the last time. The people responding are the cheated on & the bitter. None of you are helping whatsoever. I am tired of being bashed by all of you & tired of being bashed by my H friends & family.

 

Shellz -- I've done much reflecting on what you wrote here, and I've concluded that you are correct.

 

Your H's anger over your betrayal of him is completely unjustified and selfish. He should stop being angry and embrace the fact that you were unfaithful to him. I mean, it's really not that big of a deal. It's just his life that's been hurt, and his life doesn't matter as much as yours does.

 

Your OM will probably change his mind in a few days. Clearly, he just needs a little more time to decide if he wants to throw away his marriage, his relationship with his kids, and his reputation to be with you. His wife was entirely selfish and sneaky to provide him with a dose of reality in an attempt to save her marriage. I mean, her life doesn't matter as much as yours does, either.

 

There...this is what you are looking for, isn't it? This is what you've told us, and I'm now validating it for you.

 

If I get a chance today, I'll have a heart to heart with your H, OM, and OM's wife and share my findings with them. I'm sure that they'll all have a change of heart once I've laid the facts out in a reasonable way.

 

You'll have your OM, and everything will be all better.