I'm in love with my MM

[Darth Vader]

Well that's what you see, what I see is her getting bashed for her choice. She hasn't been given room to explore her emotions even bad ones that are clearly not going to sit well with people but they ARE her emotions at this time. Some people are too busy gettting emotional about her admissions...the usual really...

 

 

So.... When does her husband get to explore his emotions? Abusive or not, that's no justification for cheating as everyone knows.

 

Shellz has openly admitted that she's using her husband (selfishly) for monatary supplance. She's also stated that hubby would be screwed out of at least half of everything including his retirement.

 

So shellz, why should your hubby have to pay for your affair?

 

And don't tell me it's because he's been verbally abusive. Still no excuse!

 

Why does hubby have to just get over it when you say he should get over it, when you admit that you wouldn't, or rather couldn't do the same? Talk about hypocrisy!

 

It's been pretty obvious from her posts that if the MM told her he was leaving his W she'd be out of her M in a NY minute........

 

So Shellz has all the choices, but none of the responsibility to her own family, funny thing is, she's cheated/ing on her children, not just her husband!

 

It's clear that Shellz doesn't want to accept the consequences of her actions, or the responsibility to her actions. The way she's stated things on here proves that!

 

One more thing shellz, by hurting your childrens father (your husband), you've in turn hurt your children!

[whichwayisup]

If S's husband is THAT abusive, then she certainly put herself in the line of fire by having this affair.

 

I'm not sure if she is scared of him or what, but if she is, then she should be moving out immediately.

[Darth Vader]

If S's husband is THAT abusive, then she certainly put herself in the line of fire by having this affair.

 

I'm not sure if she is scared of him or what, but if she is, then she should be moving out immediately.

 

 

It's like throwing Gasoline on a fire! BOOM!

 

Makes me wonder how much she's Gaslighting by saying that "hubby is/was abusive"! I have to wonder if others have considered it.

[Tomcat33]

It's impossible to have this kind of discussion with the types of people that see relationships and the possible dynamics that develop between to people as black and white.

 

 

I would say to those people, I hope you never end up in an abusive relationship and have to feel mentally debelitated by the abusive control a partner can cast on you, but in fact and seeing that everything is so black and white and straight forward I sas "actually, I hope you do end up in an abusive relationship". Afterall you have all the answers and there are no bending the rules no matter what so I have confidence you will manage JUST fine no matter what.

 

PS NO ONE goes into an A thinking what if my partner finds out. Some people have affairs on their partners and feel little remorse while they are doing so because if there is enough resentment built up against their partner for the way they they were treated by them in return, it feels ok to do it in the cheater's head. They feel unloved and uncared for so they feel they are not losing much anyway. Secondly when abuse exists, one naturally thinks they are not loved. Who in their right mind loves a person and abuses them? So it is natural for the person being abused to think " it's not like X really loves or cares about me anyway so I can go through with it"

 

I've seen this a lot people thinking their partners really didn't care so when they had an opportunity to feel loved by someone else they took it.

[Mino]

Here is a thought... When someone really IS in an abusive R, is there not fear involved? So the victim is afraid of the abuser, right? So if thats true... how can she have the courage to even have an A? The reason I ask, is that i was in an abusive R over 20 years ago... I know I was to afraid to do much of anything, wear makeup, smoke, say what i am thinking... sounds crazy... but I would not have had the courage to even look at another M... out of fear alone... So I am just wonderng if this would be normal in most case...

[bentnotbroken]

It's impossible to have this kind of discussion with the types of people that see relationships and the possible dynamics that develop between to people as black and white.

 

 

I would say to those people, I hope you never end up in an abusive relationship and have to feel mentally debelitated by the abusive control a partner can cast on you, but in fact and seeing that everything is so black and white and straight forward I sas "actually, I hope you do end up in an abusive relationship". Afterall you have all the answers and there are no bending the rules no matter what so I have confidence you will manage JUST fine no matter what.

 

PS NO ONE goes into an A thinking what if my partner finds out. Some people have affairs on their partners and feel little remorse while they are doing so because if there is enough resentment built up against their partner for the way they they were treated by them in return, it feels ok to do it in the cheater's head. They feel unloved and uncared for so they feel they are not losing much anyway. Secondly when abuse exists, one naturally thinks they are not loved. Who in their right mind loves a person and abuses them? So it is natural for the person being abused to think " it's not like X really loves or cares about me anyway so I can go through with it"

 

I've seen this a lot people thinking their partners really didn't care so when they had an opportunity to feel loved by someone else they took it.

 

 

As I have said before, I have lived it. For more than 20 years. Before that was always with some guy who treated me like the stuff on the bottom of a shoe. I have also seen a lot of people who believe their partners don't really care for them, and their actions aren't even close to what Shellz exhibits.

 

She has indeed made up her mind to destroy the lives of those involved in this situation for her own needs, so there is little that can be said to persuade her otherwise. All one can do is pray that her H makes the decision for her and leaves, maybe take her to court. I don't know, what the eventual outcome will be, but she will realize sometime in the future, that she screwed up royally and hurt others in the process.

[Tomcat33]

Here is a thought... When someone really IS in an abusive R, is there not fear involved? So the victim is afraid of the abuser, right? So if thats true... how can she have the courage to even have an A? The reason I ask, is that i was in an abusive R over 20 years ago... I know I was to afraid to do much of anything, wear makeup, smoke, say what i am thinking... sounds crazy... but I would not have had the courage to even look at another M... out of fear alone... So I am just wonderng if this would be normal in most case...

 

Ok whoa whoa whoa guys!! You are really running with this concept.:laugh:

 

I wasn't saying that she has a debilitating fear for her H because of his abuse, I don't know how deep the abuse was, I had said earlier that I can see why someone her shoes who is already with a man that has abusive tendecies is going to want to bring attention to the fact she cheated on him if he hasn't found out on his own, on TOP of how he already is with her.

 

In some instances where a partner cheats and there was distance in the marriage and the two were like "roomates" but there is no history of abuse or disrepect of any sort then I can see why the opening of channels would be easier DISPITE the natural fallout that happens once an A is discovered and the normal amount of anger and resentment that the BS needs to go through, imagine how that is in someone that has abusive tendencies.

So I said if he is already abusive I can imagine she will be afraid to come clean to him about something like this.

[bentnotbroken]

Here is a thought... When someone really IS in an abusive R, is there not fear involved? So the victim is afraid of the abuser, right? So if thats true... how can she have the courage to even have an A? The reason I ask, is that i was in an abusive R over 20 years ago... I know I was to afraid to do much of anything, wear makeup, smoke, say what i am thinking... sounds crazy... but I would not have had the courage to even look at another M... out of fear alone... So I am just wonderng if this would be normal in most case...

 

 

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

I hope she comes back and clarify's what exact abuse is going on. Meaning, is he hitting her? Swearing at her, calling her names, being outright cruel to her? Is he threatening her? Controlling her? Or is he just an a@@hole once in a while... I'm not saying he is or isn't abusing her, but once again, her choices are NOT helping her situation. Having an affair is not going to make her life easier, it's just made it much more complicated and full of more drama than necessary.

[Tomcat33]

As I have said before, I have lived it. For more than 20 years. Before that was always with some guy who treated me like the stuff on the bottom of a shoe. I have also seen a lot of people who believe their partners don't really care for them, and their actions aren't even close to what Shellz exhibits.

 

She has indeed made up her mind to destroy the lives of those involved in this situation for her own needs, so there is little that can be said to persuade her otherwise. All one can do is pray that her H makes the decision for her and leaves, maybe take her to court. I don't know, what the eventual outcome will be, but she will realize sometime in the future, that she screwed up royally and hurt others in the process.

 

 

Ok fine I respect what a lot of women have lived but you are not everyone ok? Not everyone acts in the same way, and it would be nice for your to also acknowledge not one case is the same and no two people/women are the same.

 

I am taking at face value what this woman is telling us, I don't see her reason to lie to us or to make it seem like something it is not. She owes us nothing and so I am going on what she posted, you or many women may not act as she did but she did. And I can respect her individual situation for just that.

 

Please let me have that.

 

Thank you.

[bentnotbroken]

Her previous posts said that he called her names and is mean and nasty to her when they argue. She said verbal and emotion abuse for years before the A.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1770335#post1770335

[bentnotbroken]

Ok fine I respect what a lot of women have lived but you are not everyone ok? Not everyone acts in the same way, and it would be nice for your to also acknowledge not one case is the same and no two people/women are the same.

 

I am taking at face value what this woman is telling us, I don't see her reason to lie to us or to make it seem like something it is not. She owes us nothing and so I am going on what she posted, you or many women may not act as she did but she did. And I can respect her individual situation for just that.

 

Please let me have that.

 

Thank you.

 

 

I didn't say you were wrong, I believe I said you should give her the benefit of the doubt. As you have stated not all situations are the same. But you made very general statements about abused women, I just countered that isn't always the case.

[Tomcat33]

I didn't say you were wrong, I believe I said you should give her the benefit of the doubt. As you have stated not all situations are the same. But you made very general statements about abused women, I just countered that isn't always the case.

 

 

Please indicate specifically where I made these "very general statments" about abused women. I don't recall doing anything of the sort.

 

Edit: I KNOW I didn't make any general statements about abused women in general

[Tomcat33]

TC, what you said would make sense, except for one thing. She isn't so afraid that she wouldn't leave if MM left his wife. TC, she talked a lot about verbal and emotional abuse. .

 

 

This is where the breakdown happend in YOUR own post.

 

I NEVER once said she would be too afraid to leave I said she would be afraid to come clean to her H about the affair, given his pattern of abuse.

 

PLUS it is only natural she wouldn't be afraid to leave him if she had a safety blanket of her OM waiting for her, but to turn to her H and confess of the A might be extra scary for her. That is the only point I was trying to make.

[Mino]

Ok whoa whoa whoa guys!! You are really running with this concept.:laugh:

 

I wasn't saying that she has a debilitating fear for her H because of his abuse, I don't know how deep the abuse was, I had said earlier that I can see why someone her shoes who is already with a man that has abusive tendecies is going to want to bring attention to the fact she cheated on him if he hasn't found out on his own, on TOP of how he already is with her.

 

In some instances where a partner cheats and there was distance in the marriage and the two were like "roomates" but there is no history of abuse or disrepect of any sort then I can see why the opening of channels would be easier DISPITE the natural fallout that happens once an A is discovered and the normal amount of anger and resentment that the BS needs to go through, imagine how that is in someone that has abusive tendencies.

So I said if he is already abusive I can imagine she will be afraid to come clean to him about something like this.

TC, Have you ever been in an abusive R? I guess I didnt look at if there are levels in abuse... To me abuse was abuse.. On the days I gt my azzs beat or on the days I got curse out, On the days I got ignored, or on the days I got locked up in the house, or on the days I was timed of how many minutes I was able to visit a friend, On the days I was insulted in front of people, On the days he held me under the sink to wash off my makeup, and the day he held me hostage with a knife under my throat.... It was all abuse. I really never looked at it as it had levels, like oh, today is not so bad , he only called me names... I was scared, everyday.. I kept my feelings and thoughts inside. Rather have died then to utter a word... This is the fear you have in an abusive R... I left in the middle of the night, hoped on a plane and flew across an ocean to get away.. My point is TC, that women who are really abused, have little or no control over thier life till they do leave/run. So given all that I have gone through, I picture myself meeting my prince charming while I am still in the AR, there would have been no way.... no way that I would have even noticed him, and there would have been no way I would have even had the courage to follow my heart... even if I wanted to.. out of fear. But then again as you say there are different levels of abuse...

[whichwayisup]

PLUS it is only natural she wouldn't be afraid to leave him if she had a safety blanket of her OM waiting for her,

 

Isn't that an exit affair? If this woman is abused and has been for years, she is in no mental state to be involved with someone else so quickly after her marriage ends in divorce. Wouldn't she need some serious counselling to deal with her recent hurts and pain from his abuse? To go into another relationship right away is a big mistake as she has alot of emotional baggage.

 

Sidenote, thanks B for putting up that link.

[Mino]

This is where the breakdown happend in YOUR own post.

 

I NEVER once said she would be too afraid to leave I said she would be afraid to come clean to her H about the affair, given his pattern of abuse.

 

PLUS it is only natural she wouldn't be afraid to leave him if she had a safety blanket of her OM waiting for her, but to turn to her H and confess of the A might be extra scary for her. That is the only point I was trying to make.

TC, I do agree she would not come clean to H of the A... afraid of more abuse, just tying figure out how she got into a R with Om since women who are abuse are controlled by fear.

[bentnotbroken]

She isn't afraid of her H. She is afraid of being a responsible, mature adult who will have to pay her own way in the world. She is afraid to face her own mess and to leave a safety net for the unknown. She is afraid to face that MM chose his family for whatever reason over her. That is the sum total of her fears.

[Tomcat33]

TC, Have you ever been in an abusive R? I guess I didnt look at if there are levels in abuse... To me abuse was abuse.. On the days I gt my azzs beat or on the days I got curse out, On the days I got ignored, or on the days I got locked up in the house, or on the days I was timed of how many minutes I was able to visit a friend, On the days I was insulted in front of people, On the days he held me under the sink to wash off my makeup, and the day he held me hostage with a knife under my throat.... It was all abuse. I really never looked at it as it had levels, like oh, today is not so bad , he only called me names... I was scared, everyday.. I kept my feelings and thoughts inside. Rather have died then to utter a word... This is the fear you have in an abusive R... I left in the middle of the night, hoped on a plane and flew across an ocean to get away.. My point is TC, that women who are really abused, have little or no control over thier life till they do leave/run. So given all that I have gone through, I picture myself meeting my prince charming while I am still in the AR, there would have been no way.... no way that I would have even noticed him, and there would have been no way I would have even had the courage to follow my heart... even if I wanted to.. out of fear. But then again as you say there are different levels of abuse...

 

I am sorry but there ARE different levels of abuse. Passive agressiveness is a form of abuse and there is nothing physical or overtly agressive that happens between a person who is passive agressive and his/her victim.

Of course within your situation there were no different levels it was abuse both mental and physical and you know what you experienced and no one is trying to take that away from you or anyone.

 

I have never been in an abusive relationship, no but I have seen women who were mentally abused. My great aunt had a husband that was mentally abusive and on occasion would get physical with her as well, I hear stories (now as an adult) that she would sleep with a knife under her pillow afraid for her life. And she cheated on my great uncle with a man she fell for. She was petrified of her H and she never left him but at one given point in her life she found comfort in another man and she cheated on her H despite her great fear. And please don't tell me she was not really afraid of him, she most definitely was. A woman who sleeps with a knife under he pillow is not a person who is not afraid.

 

Not everyone reacts the same.

[bentnotbroken]

HHHHMMMMMMM:confused:

[whichwayisup]

She isn't afraid of her H. She is afraid of being a responsible, mature adult who will have to pay her own way in the world. She is afraid to face her own mess and to leave a safety net for the unknown. She is afraid to face that MM chose his family for whatever reason over her. That is the sum total of her fears.

 

I agree with you here. Abuse or not, this is the issue at hand. That and a very hurt ego that MM chose his wife, his marriage and isn't leaving his family.

[bentnotbroken]

She needs to make a choice though, just like the MM did. He had every right to decide to stay with his wife, even if Shellz hates that decision, it was his to make, rightfully so. People change their minds and he did. Now though she has a mess to face. Stay married and fix the marriage or divorce.

 

 

I truly hope her H leaves her. He deserves to get help and find someone who will be true to him and respect him enough not to be pining for someone else's H will living under the same roof.

[Tomcat33]

Isn't that an exit affair? If this woman is abused and has been for years, she is in no mental state to be involved with someone else so quickly after her marriage ends in divorce. Wouldn't she need some serious counselling to deal with her recent hurts and pain from his abuse? To go into another relationship right away is a big mistake as she has alot of emotional baggage.

 

 

 

WW c'mon life doesn't always play out like a text book definition, in fact more often than not it doesn't.That is my personal philosophy.

If we can keep that in mind I think we would be less judgemental and more open to actually seeing people's situations for what they represent for them.

 

And are you kidding me, people who are abused ALOT of times make wrong decisions for themselves and many times subsitute one form of abuse by another form of destructive situation.

 

We see these patterns all the time....you of all people should know that being so actively involved in these forums and reading on people's situations, this happens ALL the time.

[GPFan]

She isn't afraid of her H. She is afraid of being a responsible, mature adult who will have to pay her own way in the world. She is afraid to face her own mess and to leave a safety net for the unknown. She is afraid to face that MM chose his family for whatever reason over her. That is the sum total of her fears.

 

I agree with you here. Abuse or not, this is the issue at hand. That and a very hurt ego that MM chose his wife, his marriage and isn't leaving his family.

This is what I perceive also.

 

The sooner Shellz comes to terms with what is instead of ducking and dodging the outcome of her choices, the sooner this episode can be brought to a less drastic and dramatic conclusion.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This is what I perceive also.

 

The sooner Shellz comes to terms with what is instead of ducking and dodging the outcome of her choices, the sooner this episode can be brought to a less drastic and dramatic conclusion.

 

Everyone is just wasting key strokes on this one.

 

I don't think she is here for advice. She wont listen or care what anyone says, because she just wants validation.

 

Thats my guess at least.