Letting go

[TrustInYourself]

So I've basically told the wife I'm not puppet. She can date her ass off. I haven't called her for 4 days. That was hard. When I finally did call, it was all business to schedule picking up my daughter.

 

Here's the problem. The daughter ran to me, but the instant I took her to the car she flipped out. She was screaming, crying, and just miserable. I can't put my daughter through that just to spend the night with me, so I took her back inside to my wife who was at the door listening to her screams.

 

I wanted to tell her, look at what this is doing to our daughter but I just said "I'm not doing this to her, it's late and she needs you." I dropped the bag and my daughter off and I walked away without saying a word.

 

Was this wrong? Was I abandoning my kid? I love my kid and missed her the entire time I was out of town. I know she missed me too. My wife didn't say a word to me, she just had tears in her eyes (not flowing).

 

She doesn't know what she wants. She did this without thinking about how badly I was going to go off. I'm about to go to the club and pick up two women at once and make some fantasies happen. Why? Because I can.

[Gunny376]

I've forgotten how young your daugther, but your going to have to ease her into it, perhaps with Mommy's help. You made it to the car this time, perhaps next time you and she can just sit in the car and talk, and play. Or just in the yard, (it being summer and I) In her eyes your the one that's left the marriage, (Sorry, I know that hurt)

 

But as I said your going to have to ease the transistion step-by-step.

 

I would recommend going to the bookstore and/or the internet and getting some books on children her idea, and coming up with some ideas on how to spend quality time with your child, and games and things the two of you can do together regardless of age.

 

Most of all your going to have to be patient and persistent ~ it will take time

 

A most excellent book on the subject of divorce and its effects on children, (both short term and long term is "Second Changes" It came about of a twenty year study in CA, and found that the effects of divorce on children can last into adulthood even into their twenties, thirties and even forties.

[TrustInYourself]

It doesn't hurt Gunny. I'm not a poosy. As far as your advice, you are the man. Thanks for the wisdom. Forgive me for the times I shook off your words with blind hope.

[Gunny376]

I think what you need to demonstrate to her is that even though you and the wife are no longer a "martial unit" your still a parential unit. She needs reassurance that your still her Dad, and Mom is still her Mom, and although your not still together, that your still are going to be her Mom and Dad, and that there's Mom's place and there's Dad's place. There's Mom time, and there's Dad's time.

 

This is where "I hope we can still be friends" comes into play. You might want to enlist the wife's aide in help in the transistion to her coming over to "Dad's" place and "Dad's time with BD!

 

The wife needs to step up to the plate, and re-assure her that Mommy's not going anywhere, and will be here when you get back and its alright to go with Daddy to Daddy's place and spend time with Daddy because he's your Daddy and he loves you.

 

Your dealing with displacement, abadonment, and disattachment issues here. It doesn't have anything to do with her (the DD) not loving you, she dearly does, ~ she's just scared of displacing herself from her "norm"

 

What your mission is Mr. Phelps ~ should decide to accept it ~ is to create a "new" norm for her.

 

That may involve getting the STBXW involved in demostrating that not only is it alright, OK, and normal for her to leave Mommy's house, and spend time alone with Daddy in his new place.

 

Mommy has a problem with that? That's what it is! Her problem! Do what's right for the child!

 

Little girls SO much need a good, strong, moral, loving Father figure in their lives! For so many women, who their Father was, acted, behaved, and treated them from brith determines the outcome of their whole lives!

[Gunny376]

It doesn't hurt Gunny. I'm not a poosy. As far as your advice, you are the man. Thanks for the wisdom. Forgive me for the times I shook off your words with blind hope.

 

There's always HOPE my man! I've known couples that got divorced for ten years or more, nary spoke a word to one another in those years ~ and gotten re-married!

 

But there's also REALITY! Learn what it MEANS to me!

 

But Hope doesn't pay the bills, keep a roof over your head, a decent carseat up under your @ss! Hope doesn't keep the money coming in, and the "Man" off your @ss!

 

Hindsight is 20/20 and you can bet I'd be a millionaire if I'd know 30 years ago what I know now! And I damn sure wouldn't be divorced!

 

That brings us down to the true definition of "IF"

 

"If grasshopppers had .45 pistols and knew how to use them? Crows wouldn't f*** with them!"

 

But they don't and so they're breakfast for crows!

 

Marriage is a lot like draining a swamp! When you first get up into the muck? You're not quite sure what you've gotten yourself into nor what to do?

 

But once you're up to your neck in alligators, snakes, Indians, you tend to forget that your initial objective was to drain the swamp!

[TrustInYourself]

I want to talk to the wife and get some clarification. I doubt she knows what she wants. I think she is hoping that I will wait for her to clear her mind. I am not sure I can.

[TrustInYourself]

Also I was all over a chick I work with when I saw her at the club. What in the world was I thinking? I am crapping where I eat.

[TrustInYourself]

I realized something. I'm not looking for someone else. I'm looking for her and in my weakness I need others to fill the space in my heart that misses her.

 

I texted her, "Let's chat". Any thoughts?

[Gunny376]

I realized something. I'm not looking for someone else. I'm looking for her and in my weakness I need others to fill the space in my heart that misses her.

 

I texted her, "Let's chat". Any thoughts?

 

Take the pebble from my hand. Grasshopper.

 

Free yourself from that which you fear, and step into the Healing Fire.

[TrustInYourself]

Wow. What an awesome day today. Life is good.

 

Watched Kung Fu Panda with the DD. Good movie and I typically don't like Jack Black. I have some stories from the movie too. My life is like a damn adventure every day now. I'm loving it.

 

Alright, I guess I will break the news. This is some serious craziness. It confused me.

 

My wife called me today. We talked. I suffered some confusion from the discussion. I laughed when I heard this. My wife thinks we can work things out. She thinks we can be happy and if she moves back in we will work things out. Here's the punchline. She's not sure if she wants to be happy in marriage with me. She is always going to be curious what she missed out on. She's curious to know what else is out there for her. She still wants to date other guys. HAHA!

 

I am all for it in a sense. I mean why get back together with someone who thinks like that? Isn't that laughable. Besides, I know for a fact she loves me and told me that again today. Her exact words, I will always love you. So, she wants to play. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. The only problem I have against dropping her ass like a bad habit is the fact that we have a daughter. I laid out that our daughter will grow and overcome our divorce, but there will be some effect on her. I don't want to guilt trip her, but we made a choice. She knows I can change. She knows that we can probably work things out. The question is now should we even bother? I am not sure it's enough for us to just do it for the daughter. I know for sure that I'm not willing to do it for the daughter. I want to be with someone who loves me without restraint or lack of doubt. I want to be with someone who believes in us.

 

So the question remains. I love her. She thinks we can work on this marriage and be eternally happy. Yet she still wants to date other men. LOL! She said all that in the same paragraph.

 

So I am leaning towards slamming out this divorce. I want her to be happy. I realized I am happy without her. I don't need her! LOL! That is an awesome feeling to have. To know that you are special and a wonderful and awesome person that doesn't need anyone to be happy.

 

Anything can happen I guess. But honestly, I'm ready to move on. I think she senses that and it is drawing her to me. Isn't that freaky? When I finally feel like I can live life without her, she wants into my life.

 

Who knows. I'm tired of trying to guess the future or her mind. I'm just trying to figure out my mind and heart now. It's nice to just focus on w/e you want. It's nice to be happy with my DD again. It's nice to just be me and be happy in who I am. To feel confident about life just rocks face.

 

I'm going to go clean up around the house. I hope to hear some thoughts from the wise. Enjoy your Saturday evening!!

[Gunny376]

Your not going to make sense of the wife ~ because your a man and as such your seriously flawyed and handi-capped. That's because as a man you need to make some sense.

 

The wife still has emotional feelings for you, but she's caught up in a hormonal rush of passion for other men. I've no doubt that she loves you, but she's caught in all of this cross between her love for you and her hormones to scrogg other men.

 

She's lacking in self-discipline and self-control. Your average Joe or

Sue on the street lacks it as well. I only have it because I was in the Marines for 20 years, lived in Japan for four of those, studied Eastern philsophy, etc............ Not to say that I'm a master of such. But, I've a better handle on it than your average guy/gal on the street.

 

That is to say, I don't have to be in a relationship/marrded to be a complete and whole person.

 

And you, yourself are fast aprroaching that recognizition! (Thus the reference to my saying "Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper)

 

Your most recent post is testimony that you are walking through "The Healing Fire" and that you have "arrived" in understanding that you've done just fine before the X and you will do just fine regardless of the outcome.

 

Your post have shown me, and demonstrated to me that you have accepted and indeed inbraced that which you fear.

 

And your a much stronger person for having done so.

 

You have evolved beyond the abysiss! You have taken a "leap of faith" and came out the otherside!

 

You ROCK!

[TrustInYourself]

Holding onto the belief in love is important. Love can not be denied as long as you believe. Even if it's not with the person you think it is.

[chuckgirl]

I am glad you are ready to move on, because from what she is saying, you need to.

 

Glad you have your act together.

 

It will always be hard on your dd, but you need to have her spend the time with you. And remember, she will be tired at night, so more emotions are going to flow. Oh, I loved Kung Fu Panda, too. Saw it with my dd. Much better than anticipated.

 

I have step-kids. They would cry when taking them away from mom, at first. Then as they got older, they were used to it. The funny thing, is that once we took the girls for a month, when real young and when mommy picked them up, they cried that they had to go with her. So it told me that it is what the kids are used to that get them emotionally worked up.

 

Hang in there!