Not sure how to deal with abuse

[Soulburn]

Hello! This is my first post. Wish it was on a better note.

 

 

My family has been abusive since I can remember. I'm in my mid 30's now. Verbal abuse, physical abuse...this is what I grew up with.

 

 

I moved out at 17. Most of the chaotic behavior is between my parents but they are so used to abusing each other that they've (mostly mom) been abusive toward me too. This is their way of life. Screaming, throwing things, going at each other physically, lying to other family members saying I'm the abusive one to detract attention from themselves.

 

 

On and off for years I was a drug addict and alcoholic but thought I was just "a screw up". I've been clean for three years from drugs and nearly a year with alcohol. As I've finally had enough clean time under my belt, I started to see with wide-open eyes for the first time. The constant stress from the abuse is why I was always seeking an "escape" from reality. My reality was full of screaming, fighting, yelling, messages on my answering machine about how screwed up I am and how I should "rot alone".

 

 

The only times my mother is abusive toward me and let me make this part VERY CLEAR is when I say the word NO. As in "no, I can't fix your computer today" or "no, I can't deal with your problems because I have my own to deal with first".

 

 

And these problems my mother runs to me with are CONSTANT. Every time I hear from her, she has a problem she needs me to solve for her. If I say no, I'm "abusive, sick, sadistic" and things along those lines. If I do actually solve her problem for the moment, she's happy but within hours has yet ANOTHER problem for me to solve.

 

 

I realized with my clean time that I spent YEARS solving my mothers constant problems in fear that I'd be verbally abused if I didn't. But, even when I solve them, I have a breaking point at the end of the day and eventually say no. Then...the abusive behavior starts.

 

 

I wasted years of my life solving HER problems instead of mine. I could still almost cry thinking about this.

 

 

The abuse from her and solving her constant problems day after day was wasting years of my life and driving me straight to drugs when she'd start screaming at me. I was so used to this that I knew no other life. I'd cry uncontrollably and get high to try to escape the nightmare that is my mother. I couldn't take the screaming anymore.

 

 

Can you believe I still talk to her?

 

 

I went a year without speaking to her. Thought when I talked to her again finally...a year may have changed some things with her. Not at all! She's the identical person she was.

 

 

The last time she flipped out on me a few weeks ago, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to have a different reaction than anything I ever did in the past. Walking away from her didn't change a thing. Crying never did any good. Drugs didn't do anything good. Alcohol didn't either. So, I called her on it this time. I responded with "You're an abusive *********!"

 

 

I don't know where to go from here now, everybody. I spent 15 years running away from this, getting high, drunk and crying at 2 in the morning wondering why my mother is like this. I may see clearly now but that doesn't change being so USED TO abuse from her that I just don't know what to do.

 

I've spent a lot of time the past year or so with new friends. The more time I spend with more "normal" people, the more clearly I see just how abusive my mother has been toward me. Nobody else screams at me if I say the word no. Nobody else will leave 15 messages in 15 minutes on my answering machine, screaming their lungs out at me, telling me I'm sadistic.

 

I apologize for such a long post. I just wanted to explain this clearly. I'm open to any thoughts, opinions, ideas, experiences...whatever anyone has to say about this.

 

 

I cleaned up my life, I know what's been so wrong with my life for years but now...what do I do?

 

[jj2007]

I am so sorry for what your mother has put you through! Hugs!

I would stay away from her because it doesn't sound like she is going to change and she has no right to treat you that way.

 

Have you thought of going to individual counseling just to help you understand and deal with everything your mother has put you through?

I think it would be a good idea.

 

Hang in there!

[Ronni_W]

Congratulations on making all those positive changes in your life!

In my experience, the biggest risk to Self would be to just blame your childhood circumstances, and do nothing else. There are a number of different approaches, which can be undertaken concurrently.

 

Here's the rough order in which I did it:

Stress management. Anger management. Learn who *I* am (my OWN values, likes, dislikes, wants, needs, beliefs, etc.) Assertive communication skills to express *me* in positive ways. Learn about healthy emotional boundaries...set them and patrol them.

Strive every day to be more of who *I* am instead of who/what others want and need be to be; correct them when their perception of me does not match my own perception of me.

Self-acceptance -- being okay with my "good" stuff and my stuff yet to be improved. Express and expect to be treated how *I* want to be treated. Learn to let go of guilt for saying 'no' to how they treat me.

 

Set new short-term and life goals that match who I am. Don't allow others to interfere and set limits on what I can do or tell me what I 'really' want to do.

Eventually...forgiveness. I had to come to realization that they all just did the best that they knew how to do ~ they probably learned their unhealthy crap for their parents, who learned it from their parents, etc., etc. The same garbage just gets passed down from generation to generation.

 

Like you, I just made the choice that it would stop with me. I don't want to be involved in the crazy and dysfunctional "traditional" dynamics of my 'clan'. I sought professional help, did family-of-origin intensives, etc. ~ for me these were extremely valuable.

 

It's not easy. The fabric of all your relationships will change. Some of them, yes, will be forever lost. It's a choice we make, consciously -- what are we willing to put up with...and what will we no longer tolerate? And then just keep making the choice to be true to Self.

 

Stay strong on your path of sobriety ~ you've already overcome the biggest obstacles. The rest will fall into place for you, too, as long as you maintain your desire for "better than before"

 

Good luck! Like I said, it ain't always easy but it is worth it in terms of high self-esteem and inner peace and just plain feeling good about one's Self.

[vintagecat]

Both emotionally and physically. My family isn't nearly as messed up as yours but there is on-going drama. I live 2000 miles away and only the biggest of the dramas reach me and I choose how to respond from there. Clearly dropping everything and getting on a plane is not going to happen for most situations even fairly major ones. I'm pretty much down to weddings and funerals and I make those visits short. I love my family but I've changed from the person that they designated me to be as a child and I don't welcome the unhealthy interaction and being "put in my place" that often happens when we all get together.

 

Is there somewhere that you might want to relocate to start over? Even moving a short distance, enough to have a reasonable excuse to say "No" without a fight will do the trick. 2000 miles may have overdone it a bit.

 

Otherwise best of luck in your recovery. Find some good friends and pillars of strength that you can lean on when your family tries to beat you down. Clarity is the first step to solving your issues and it sounds like you definitely have that.

[Soulburn]

Hello. Thank you guys for your replies. It means a lot to me that anybody read that long post and responded.

 

For the past few months I've realized my circumstances aren't exactly "normal" or the usual family stuff. So, I know that, because of these unusual circumstances, I could really use some counseling. But, that leads me to a slight problem. I have no insurance (never have) and I'm not well off enough to afford the counseling I know I really need. Seeing a therapist once or twice isn't going to cut it.

 

Has anybody ever found a way to get into counseling without insurance?

 

I have to admit that my closest friends and the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins) don't have the foggiest idea how to handle this situation so they're no help at all.

 

 

Things always escalate with my mother and that's what is happening right now. She wanted me to get angry at my father this morning and I refused. She got very angry with me. I pushed to get off the phone quickly.

 

Why did I pick up the phone when she called? There are times in the past that I didn't and even if I live half an hour away...she won't hesitate to show up on my doorstep a lunatic because she's not getting her way. I had to have the cops remove her from my property a few years ago. She was throwing things at me in front of my neighbors while I stood on my porch. That's when I stopped talking to her for a year.

 

 

I would LOVE to move a thousand miles away! I'd love to move to another country! Financially, I can't. I'm working hard at it though. I really am.

 

I was confused for a while thinking "am I running away like I always did in the past but just not getting high now" so I started trying to confront the situation. Telling her the word no, knowing she would lash out like a complete lunatic and standing my ground instead of running away. Didn't shed a tear either. The thing is...nothing's changing with her.

 

I honestly thought if I change my actions and reactions that the laws of cause and effect would come into play and things have to naturally change. I guess not, huh?

 

I do have to put much more distance between me and her. This "relationship" for years has been so toxic to me mentally, emotionally and physically. I've been physically ill at times from the stress from this.

 

I realize always being there solving her problems over the years, I created such a spoiled brat that she will pull out all the stops when she doesn't get her way. If I have something to do, I'm sadistic, sick, abusive and cruel?

 

I honestly didn't know who I really was for YEARS! I'm finally figuring out who I am. For the first time in my entire life. I'm helpful, honest as anything, friendly, social, love to have fun, responsible, trustworthy...

 

I'm not sadistic or abusive or cruel.

 

My mother has also tried to convince me I'm manic depressive. Um...nope. I've been depressed quite a bit in my life because I was having my head beat in by my mother.

 

She tried to convince me I'm like my father who is an alcoholic. Not that either! I drank and got high on drugs she didn't know I was high on to try to escape abuse. I've quit the escaping but I feel like a deer caught in headlights now.

 

She tried to convince me I wouldn't keep a relationship together because I'm not affectionate.

 

I'm actually a very affectionate person. I think my friends and boyfriend all love that about me.

 

There are things she has done that I haven't mentioned yet that I think would make your stomach turn. Things I think are sick on such a level...I can hardly think about it.

 

I would love to get into some type of group counseling. I really love being around people. I feel much more at peace when I'm around other people. I feel like a sitting duck when I'm alone. I feel like...at least if I have people around me, I'm not alone if something happens. If she brings on the chaos, I won't be standing there alone.

 

I'm honestly open to ANYTHING anybody has to say. Any ideas would be so helpful and appreciated. You guys are great. Sometimes, people have nowhere to turn and come to LS. Like I said, I have friends but they're more confused about this than I am. They can't help.

 

Thank you for your responses, guys!

[vintagecat]

Check with your local city or state public mental health services. There are often discount, sliding scale fee or even free counseling services that can be found. I personally paid for bi-weekly counseling out of pocket for about a year 20 years ago when I was at the point that you seem to be and it was invaluable to me in sorting sorting out issues.

 

And no, there is nothing that you can do to change your mother, just how and how much you respond to her goading. If you can find some way to create a barrier both physical such as distance and emotional the better off you will be. In lieu of moving away, perhaps you can move to a new location within your area, leave no forwarding address and ask people not to give it out that she may contact, change your phone to an unlisted number and contact her either via pay phone or a cell that you can turn off when you feel like your ready to be talking to her (not the other way around) and finally don't take her calls at work for your sake and the sake of your employment. Dump her emails into the trash if she uses that medium, heaven knows enough of it gets lost as it is and you just don't need to be beaten down by an irrational person's harangue. Best of luck to you.

[Ronni_W]

I honestly thought if I change my actions and reactions that the laws of cause and effect would come into play and things have to naturally change. I guess not, huh?

Well...YEAH!...things are changing in the place it counts the most ~ inside of you! You are gaining more clarity and wisdom and inner strength

It's true that we do also expect our 'externals' to change but I found out the hard way that is kind of an unrealistic expectation on our part.

 

The thing about just physically moving is that you take all your inner (emotional) crap with you ~ there's no running away from that. Ever. So, not all that much point in moving IF it is just to "get away from".

 

The distance that you are seeking is actually of the emotional variety ~ and we can be a million miles away and still feel the too-familiar tug of the heart (whether it's love or guilt or something else.)

Developing healthy emotional distance (boundaries) is much more difficult --and more 'expensive' in terms of effort and energy-- than a physical move.

 

The deal, perhaps, is to come to a place of totally accepting that YOU ARE WORTH having happiness and good health. YOU DESERVE to be happy and healthy and sane. And it isn't "selfish" in a negative sense, to want that and to work for it.

 

I'm helpful, honest as anything, friendly, social, love to have fun, responsible, trustworthy...

I'm actually a very affectionate person. I think my friends and boyfriend all love that about me...

I really love being around people.

 

You forgot to add that you are intelligent and sensitive to the plight of others -- it is precisely that sensitivity that allowed your mom to be able to dig in so deep, in the first place. And I'm also sensing a sense of humour even though you haven't particularly tried to be humourous (though I could be wrong about that, of course. It's just that, to have come as far as you have, one does also need a HUGE dose of sense of humour .)

 

 

Another possibility for low or no-cost therapy is through the various public and private educational facilities ~~ students must generally do an internship, for which there is no or minimal cost. Google "psychotherapy training" or something like that, in your area.

Free group therapy is somewhat more difficult to source - perhaps try a faith community in your area.

 

I get what you mean about needing 'protection' from your mom's attacks on your psyche, and the perception that being with other people offers you at least some protection.

Part of the process that you've undertaken will help you get to a point where you are absolutely, 100% confident in your own ability to withstand her garbage. She is an unhappy, unfulfilled woman who has not learned how to deal with her own life's disappointments and cope with her own dysfunctions that she inherited from her ancestors.

 

Again, I do commend you on your decision to break the mold. Too many people don't have the courage do to that. (Oh - there's another of your positive qualities that you forgot to mention...courage!)

 

Sending Love and Light,

Ronni

[Soulburn]

You guys are fantastic! You really are. But, Ronni...I haven't cried in quite a while and I started sobbing reading your last response! I had no idea it was even detectable anymore that I have a sense of humor. I backed away from the computer thinking --

 

"It's still there? I thought it was gone!"

 

I had to get myself together just to type this. I guess I thought that my sense of humor got so buried from me defending myself so much that...maybe I even thought my sense of humor was gone for good. You've given me hope that somewhere inside me is still the real, true me. The person I feel I used to know but don't see anymore.

 

JJ, that hug meant more to me than you'll ever know...

 

I feel like you guys know me and my situation or something. Vintage, you mentioned e-mails. She sends me lots of e-mails! Most are forwards, jokes and stuff but if she gets angry...she sends e-mails a mother should NEVER send to their daughter.

 

Yes, I'm sensitive to the plight of others. I've spent my entire life so far helping other people and not myself. I'd jump to help everybody and then stay quiet about my own problems and in the past, drown it away temporarily with drugs and alcohol. Just to wake up the next morning to help the next needy person.

 

I noticed the past week or so, all I did was basically say hello to my mother and it was like the floodgates opened. She started calling and e-mailing and calling more, telling me she needs help with her problems.

 

Ronni, you were also insightful about her being such an unhappy person with an unfulfilled life. She has almost no friends (anti-social, hates nearly everyone) and doesn't do anything for herself to make herself happy like go out, meet people with similar interests, throw a party or barbecue, etc...

 

She doesn't bring ANY happiness to her own life.

 

I meant to mention earlier that she has a jealousy problem. She's always been jealous of my relationships and jealous of my friends. Also my near success for the second time with my own business. I'm almost there! The closer I get to being successful, the more problems she suddenly has and the more anger she carries around.

 

I want to open up a storefront in my area (very populated) and she said "take me, your sister and father with you and hire us" and I'm thinking...no way! An anti-social woman who hates everyone behind the counter, making me look bad and scaring away customers? I tried firmly telling her no.

 

The abuse started right away. "You don't care about anybody, what's wrong with you, you're sick, NEED HELP, you're going to RUIN your LIFE"...

 

All I said was no...

 

You guys are right. She is such a toxic person that I can't get involved with her at all. There are non-abusive people out there who would really appreciate the person I am.

 

I can't thank you guys enough. I'm going to check into the ideas you have about getting myself some counseling and also...it didn't occur to me before to move just far enough away that she doesn't know where I'm at. I could move three blocks down the street and she wouldn't even realize it.

[Ronni_W]

"It's still there? I thought it was gone!"

You've given me hope that somewhere inside me is still the real, true me.

Yep...YOU ARE STILL THERE! All of your wonderful, delicious, brilliant Self.

 

I'm honestly, genuinely happy that your hope is restored...just remember that it started with YOU -- I couldn't have seen anything that isn't already there to be seen (if that makes sense?)

 

 

If I could just caution this...your mother's antics will become even more dramatic and more outrageous, the more she recognizes that she is losing her "power" over you. The more self-reliant and successful you become, the needier she will have to become to maintain the "power" she has perceived that she has.

(Mine started falling down in public and having all sorts of 'weird' medical issues. I just resolved to be calm about it, and ask after her health and well-being in an interested yet uninvolved way.)

 

The hardest part is to be able to say, "Hey, today *I* am the needy one and, today, I will tend to my own Self first."

 

She has almost no friends (anti-social, hates nearly everyone) and doesn't do anything for herself to make herself happy ... She doesn't bring ANY happiness to her own life.

With therapist's help, I've come to realize that we are to 'blame' for that ~~ they honestly had no reason to do anything for themselves because we took on all the responsibility for their happiness...and unhappiness, too.

 

There are non-abusive people out there who would really appreciate the person I am.

Yes, indeedy! Notwithstanding all our own current faults and limitations (that we're choosing to work on), we ARE here for you and we do really appreciate you for EXACTLY the person you are...with all your current 'faults and limitations' (that you're choosing to work on)!!! Win-win for one and all, here at LS.

 

Best o' everything, Soul

[Soulburn]

And I think it will help me to steer clear of the problems I've always had with my mother.

 

 

With therapist's help, I've come to realize that we are to 'blame' for that ~~ they honestly had no reason to do anything for themselves because we took on all the responsibility for their happiness...and unhappiness, too.

 

This stuff was never my responsibility but for the longest time I thought it was. I've gotta live my life now.

 

I've given my mother thousands upon thousands of ideas about how to bring happiness into her life. She chose not to do any of them. This was her decision. Now, I have to make mine.

 

Maybe some day far off into the future, all of those great ideas I gave her will be the only thing she really has left of me and she'll finally take a step or two in the right direction.

 

As for me, I've gotta get this business off the ground, make it a success and have a good life. I've spent way too much time (15 long years) not going anywhere and not happy.

 

Thanks, Ronni.

[GPFan]

I wish you well in resolving this Soulburn. I have nothing to add as you have received fantastic advice in this thread.

 

Take care!