Please help with my long term relationship...This is long, but please read.

[Shawn]

I know this is very long, but there is a lot that has happened in our 6 1/2 year relationship.

 

I am a 25 year old male, my girlfriend for 6 1/2 yrs is 24. We started out our relationship as her trying hard to pursuing me, and I just liked her, and was just there, not sure what was going to happen. We started getting very comfortable together, and started dating. We have had a lot of fun times together. I wish I could say that our relationship has been wonderful, but we have had our problems from time to time. Mostly it has been my not wanting to commit to her. Even a few years into our relationship, I was afraid to live with her because of the commitment, even though I was there all of the time. It finally got to the point a year ago at this time, when our relationship was the worst. She broke up with me and started talking to someone. Reality kicked in of how I didn’t want to lose her. I spent almost a month of going through depression, and grief. And finally talked her into trying again for (her qoute) “the last time”. I did change a lot, because I wanted to. I almost instantly moved in with her, and eventually lost that fear of sharing everything with her. But I never asked her to marry me. I guess because we just didn’t quite get along like a married couple should. I didn’t appreciate, and compliment her the way she wanted. But I still loved her much. Then, our anniversary day came around for the sixth year. The day didn’t go as either one of us planned, I wasn’t in it because I work nights and had put in 60 hours that week and was doing good to keep my eyes open. And she was the complete opposite. She takes things like our anniversary very seriously (I later find out she was hoping I would propose to her) Since that day (4 months ago) my life has fallen apart. Two weeks later I leave town for Thanksgiving, leaving her here, so we can spend some time apart. She ends up talking to this guy that is just crazy over her, and says all the right things, and they hook up and got intimate with each other (even though she says it wasn’t about the sex, we both agree that sex is great between us). She has always been the type that would NEVER do this. She was honest and told me the next day when I got back. After spending a couple of days to myself, I decided that she means too much to just give up and leave her. So we tried to make it happen again, only I was the only one trying. She continued to talk to him occasionally, but wouldn’t lie about it if I asked. I don’t know why I didn’t leave, but instead I tried too hard to be everything that I thought that she was getting from him. She was just pushing me away slowly. When I finally started getting aggravated with her, she started getting nervous, and saw what she was putting me through, and decided to spend some time away. For 5 weeks, she stayed with her friends and parents to try and figure herself out, while I have been staying very depressed that this is going on, lost weight, and health has gone down. She just started nursing school, which consumes all of her time, and is the number one thing in her life. I am on the back burner. She is confused if she want's to be with me or not, and says that we just treat each other like crap. We both separately started counseling (which doesn't help a whole lot, but we are trying everything) She finally quit talking to him, and decided that she wanted to start staying at home again, (in the other room) but as roommates. (she says she misses me, and her stuff). She says she is not ready for a relationship. I want her back so bad that its hard being around her, Although I don't want her to leave, neither of us want to separate our stuff and move. I know that this is a real critical time for me, because I have to give her space to realize what she wants. . I just don't know how. When I see her, I can tell she misses me, and hugs me. I am forcing myself to keep my distance from her. Because I cannot get this situation out of my head, I am afraid I will lose her again, for good. I don’t know how to act around her or what to do. I just know that I am sure that I want to be with her for the rest of my life, and marry her.

 

And I love her very much, and I know she still wants to make it happen, she just can't get that love back like I have now.

 

Can anyone sympathize, or help me out?

[Tony T]

Your situation is absolutely classic. "Love knows not its own depth, except in the hour of separation." You took your lady for granted and did not try to nurture the relationship until she got interested in someone else who gave her the nurturing she needed. Over the years, she has lost faith in your capacity to give her total committment and to show her the kind of love she needs. This little fling with another guy showed her what she is missing. Right now, her love bucket for you is empty and has many holes in the bottom. She is trying to let you down easy. Life is full of incredible lessons. I don't find any fault here with you, however, because you simply weren't ready for a relationship and you still aren't. Your reaction now is simply because of the rejection. Let her go and continue to date. When you are ready, you will meet a wonderful woman and have absolutely no reservations about giving your heart and your life to her. And you will know the consequences of not doing that. Meantime, there are so many hurdles to conquer with the lady who is now your roommate, you could find 20 wonderful ladies who are marriage material with the energy you would spend, to no avail, trying to get her back.

 

One more thing. The minute you turn your own attention to other ladies, your ex will probably turn around and become interested again. Don't ask me why...that's just the way it happens. But this is NOT real love so don't give it a lot of consideration. Learn from this...move on...and for God's sake, don't take anything in life you care about for granted again.

 

Oh, yes, you seemed to ask for some sympathy in your question and you've got it from me. I have been in identical situations several times. I sympathize and empathize.

[Shirley]

I know this is very long, but there is a lot that has happened in our 6 1/2 year relationship.

 

I am a 25 year old male, my girlfriend for 6 1/2 yrs is 24. We started out our relationship as her trying hard to pursuing me, and I just liked her, and was just there, not sure what was going to happen. We started getting very comfortable together, and started dating. We have had a lot of fun times together. I wish I could say that our relationship has been wonderful, but we have had our problems from time to time. Mostly it has been my not wanting to commit to her. Even a few years into our relationship, I was afraid to live with her because of the commitment, even though I was there all of the time. It finally got to the point a year ago at this time, when our relationship was the worst. She broke up with me and started talking to someone. Reality kicked in of how I didn’t want to lose her. I spent almost a month of going through depression, and grief. And finally talked her into trying again for (her qoute) “the last time”. I did change a lot, because I wanted to. I almost instantly moved in with her, and eventually lost that fear of sharing everything with her. But I never asked her to marry me. I guess because we just didn’t quite get along like a married couple should. I didn’t appreciate, and compliment her the way she wanted. But I still loved her much. Then, our anniversary day came around for the sixth year. The day didn’t go as either one of us planned, I wasn’t in it because I work nights and had put in 60 hours that week and was doing good to keep my eyes open. And she was the complete opposite. She takes things like our anniversary very seriously (I later find out she was hoping I would propose to her) Since that day (4 months ago) my life has fallen apart. Two weeks later I leave town for Thanksgiving, leaving her here, so we can spend some time apart. She ends up talking to this guy that is just crazy over her, and says all the right things, and they hook up and got intimate with each other (even though she says it wasn’t about the sex, we both agree that sex is great between us). She has always been the type that would NEVER do this. She was honest and told me the next day when I got back. After spending a couple of days to myself, I decided that she means too much to just give up and leave her. So we tried to make it happen again, only I was the only one trying. She continued to talk to him occasionally, but wouldn’t lie about it if I asked. I don’t know why I didn’t leave, but instead I tried too hard to be everything that I thought that she was getting from him. She was just pushing me away slowly. When I finally started getting aggravated with her, she started getting nervous, and saw what she was putting me through, and decided to spend some time away. For 5 weeks, she stayed with her friends and parents to try and figure herself out, while I have been staying very depressed that this is going on, lost weight, and health has gone down. She just started nursing school, which consumes all of her time, and is the number one thing in her life. I am on the back burner. She is confused if she want's to be with me or not, and says that we just treat each other like crap. We both separately started counseling (which doesn't help a whole lot, but we are trying everything) She finally quit talking to him, and decided that she wanted to start staying at home again, (in the other room) but as roommates. (she says she misses me, and her stuff). She says she is not ready for a relationship. I want her back so bad that its hard being around her, Although I don't want her to leave, neither of us want to separate our stuff and move. I know that this is a real critical time for me, because I have to give her space to realize what she wants. . I just don't know how. When I see her, I can tell she misses me, and hugs me. I am forcing myself to keep my distance from her. Because I cannot get this situation out of my head, I am afraid I will lose her again, for good. I don’t know how to act around her or what to do. I just know that I am sure that I want to be with her for the rest of my life, and marry her. And I love her very much, and I know she still wants to make it happen, she just can't get that love back like I have now. Can anyone sympathize, or help me out?

 

Hi!

 

The two of you are in love with each other. And you have been commited to each other for all of those six years. The love that both of you feel is what automatically commits you to each other. The only thing that "marriage" does is announces that love to the world. And she thinks that you don't feel she's good enough to announce that love to the world. Also, you can't just take her love for granted. Women thrive on loving attention and romance. And a ruined anniversary will not change her love for you. And the reason she got involved with that other guy is because she needed to feel some loving attention. The attention she got from him is what made her feel like she was worth something. But she wants you to be the one to give her that attention. It doesn't matter how long you've been together, she still needs to hear you say that you love her, and that she is the most important person in your life. And the best thing for you to do right now is to start romancing her. Take her out, and have fun. And when she feels confident that she really does mean the world to you, THEN ASK HER TO MARRY YOU!

[Shawn]

I agree with you Shirley. And I know what you are saying Tony, because I know that I can date again. But I am not really ready to move on from her. I feel that this may just be some hard times that is well needed. I am still in love with her very much, and I am pretty sure she is just confused, but still wants to be with me. So in the meantime, while she is so in to school that she has no time to think about us, I am just waiting for her to make a move. I have tried to ask her out (us alone) and just have fun, or a date. She said she just isn't ready for that. I think because she doesn't want to do it unless she is sure that she wants to be with me again or not. So I told her to let me know when she is ready, and I am waiting for her to make the move. But that has been 2 weeks. (when she came back to the house.) I wish I could take your advise, and she knows what I want to do (I have even told her that I want to take our relationship to the next level, and it just makes it worse, because she gets sad and says "why now and not before", like I am too late). I am dying to take her out and romance her, but so far we have only gone out with all of our friends, and she liked being around me. It seems like she doesn't want anything to get in the way of her busy school studies, so she is just putting me on hold. How can I get her to come around? I feel like I am walking on eggshells when I am around her. But I do not want to separate from her yet. I try not to bring any serious conversation up, because just about everytime we would spend time together, I would end up bringing it up. And she still has no answers. It is hard, but she is worth it to me.

 

Thanks for your insight, and advise.

 

Hi! The two of you are in love with each other. And you have been commited to each other for all of those six years. The love that both of you feel is what automatically commits you to each other. The only thing that "marriage" does is announces that love to the world. And she thinks that you don't feel she's good enough to announce that love to the world. Also, you can't just take her love for granted. Women thrive on loving attention and romance. And a ruined anniversary will not change her love for you. And the reason she got involved with that other guy is because she needed to feel some loving attention. The attention she got from him is what made her feel like she was worth something. But she wants you to be the one to give her that attention. It doesn't matter how long you've been together, she still needs to hear you say that you love her, and that she is the most important person in your life. And the best thing for you to do right now is to start romancing her. Take her out, and have fun. And when she feels confident that she really does mean the world to you, THEN ASK HER TO MARRY YOU!

[Shirley]

I agree with you Shirley. And I know what you are saying Tony, because I know that I can date again. But I am not really ready to move on from her. I feel that this may just be some hard times that is well needed. I am still in love with her very much, and I am pretty sure she is just confused, but still wants to be with me. So in the meantime, while she is so in to school that she has no time to think about us, I am just waiting for her to make a move. I have tried to ask her out (us alone) and just have fun, or a date. She said she just isn't ready for that. I think because she doesn't want to do it unless she is sure that she wants to be with me again or not. So I told her to let me know when she is ready, and I am waiting for her to make the move. But that has been 2 weeks. (when she came back to the house.) I wish I could take your advise, and she knows what I want to do (I have even told her that I want to take our relationship to the next level, and it just makes it worse, because she gets sad and says "why now and not before", like I am too late). I am dying to take her out and romance her, but so far we have only gone out with all of our friends, and she liked being around me. It seems like she doesn't want anything to get in the way of her busy school studies, so she is just putting me on hold. How can I get her to come around? I feel like I am walking on eggshells when I am around her. But I do not want to separate from her yet. I try not to bring any serious conversation up, because just about everytime we would spend time together, I would end up bringing it up. And she still has no answers. It is hard, but she is worth it to me. Thanks for your insight, and advise.

Hi!

 

Something you don't want to do is wait for her to make the first move. Right now, she's just pretending that school is important because she's so afraid of being hurt again. So call her everyday and ask her how she's doing, and tell her you love her. Don't talk about deep feelings for right now or about the fact that you want to go to the next level. Keep things light and fun. Telling her you love her is fine, but don't make it sound like you want her to respond with "I love you too". She is confused with her own feelings. So what you are giving her time on is for her to discover and realize how she feels on her own.

[Shawn]

Yes Shirley, I agree with you on giving her the space she needs. She is living with me again though. She just wants to be roomates for now, and doesn't want a relationship. Even though we don't see each other much, when we do, it is very hard for me to be light, because it still hurts pretty bad. She is sleeping in the other room, and I do still tell her I love her. I am doing better at avoiding the serious talks, that is the hardest, because it is making me feel like we are growing more apart. She still hugs me, and occasionally kisses me on the cheek. I was giving her flowers and notes often, but I kinda feel like for some reason if I make the appearance that it really doesn't bother me as much as it does, and do not do all of these attempts of getting her back, that it might make her lean towards me more. (I guess because our relationship has always been one over the other, and hardly ever balanced.) I could be wrong here, and I am confused on how to act. Help if you can

 

Thank You,

 

Shawn

 

Hi! Something you don't want to do is wait for her to make the first move. Right now, she's just pretending that school is important because she's so afraid of being hurt again. So call her everyday and ask her how she's doing, and tell her you love her. Don't talk about deep feelings for right now or about the fact that you want to go to the next level. Keep things light and fun. Telling her you love her is fine, but don't make it sound like you want her to respond with "I love you too". She is confused with her own feelings. So what you are giving her time on is for her to discover and realize how she feels on her own.

[Shirley]

Yes Shirley, I agree with you on giving her the space she needs. She is living with me again though. She just wants to be roomates for now, and doesn't want a relationship. Even though we don't see each other much, when we do, it is very hard for me to be light, because it still hurts pretty bad. She is sleeping in the other room, and I do still tell her I love her. I am doing better at avoiding the serious talks, that is the hardest, because it is making me feel like we are growing more apart. She still hugs me, and occasionally kisses me on the cheek. I was giving her flowers and notes often, but I kinda feel like for some reason if I make the appearance that it really doesn't bother me as much as it does, and do not do all of these attempts of getting her back, that it might make her lean towards me more. (I guess because our relationship has always been one over the other, and hardly ever balanced.) I could be wrong here, and I am confused on how to act. Help if you can Thank You, Shawn

Hi!

 

By giving the appearance that it doesn't bother you, is like telling her that you don't care. She already thinks that you don't really care. So don't act in a way that's going to validate those thoughts. It may take some time for her to believe that you care, but just keep doing what I've advised. This way, there are no power struggles. You won't have the problem of one over the other. Right now, you have to be the strong one. The one who gives without expecting something in return. Think of her hugs and kisses on the cheek as a good thing. She's not shutting you out. I know you want a lot more than that, but you can't get it with force. And I know that it can be really frustrating, but you love this woman, and you care about her. And all you are doing for right now is showing her that she can trust your love for her.