A place where I did not think I would be

[NoWhereMan]

A liitle about me...I am in my mid forties and four years into my second marriage (no kids from this one). My first marriage ended as a result of my wife and I drifting far apart (we ignored the signs of this happening). She had an affair towards the end of the marriage, but I had become so indifferent to her, that it did not affect me nor has it to this day (nine years later).

 

My current wife, this is her third marriage, has not had an ex-husband cheat on her. Those marriages ended as a result of incompatibility.

 

Although I thought we both complimented each others views, attitudes, and the like, I came to the conclusion that we aren't compatable. If I were to condense it down to one sentence it would read "I am more laid back, easy going, and not one to let the little things upset me while she tends to get very angry when things don't go her way no matter how big or small the issue is".

 

I have learned to live with her and compromise many of my thoughts and feelings. We are friendly towards each other, have a decent sex life, and talk a lot about current issues, etc. I have had therapy to deal with these issues, and she has reacted angrily when I have suggested that we both seek care together to improve our marriage. More or less, I am costing along, but always trying to keep her spirits up.

 

So, as I move forward in this life of mine, I have not gone out of my way to be overly friendly with another woman (with the intent of getting emotionally close)...until now. I changed jobs about 9 months ago, and there was a co-worker who I always enjoyed being around the work environment. Even when we would talk about issues outside work (movies, politics, etc), the conversations were always good (we would disagree but left the discussion appreciating the other view point but not agreeing to it). When I left that job, I told her that I would be missing her more than any other co-worker (not meaning to be a come on line, but a true expression of my feelings as a friend). We would send each other an occasional "how is the job going?" emails but they would only happen once a month and the back and forth was brief. I did see her a few times outside of the office but these were events we were both attending.

 

Now, before I go on, let me say I have always been the guy who is slow to pick up the clue, meaning it sometimes takes a brick to the head to get me to realize a woman is attracted to me. Fast forwarding to last month: I started to get a few more emails dealing with an upcoming event to which we will both be at. These messages have included some comments that, taken together over time, lead me to believe she is interested in me. Now remembering I am Mr. Clueless...I started to remember that when we saw each other at the past events and even when we worked together, there "signs" (eyes holding a gaze at each other, catching her looking at me, etc) that now point to her being more than a friend. She was never a strong come on type, so the subtleness of all this over the months now makes sense to me.

 

As for her life situation, she is in her early thirties, and married (one child). I have met her husband (not much personality). What compounds all of this is that she has mentioned lately that she is looking forward to moving on with her life...all but coming out and saying this would be as a single person. She is also doing things with her female friends which suggest the same.

 

This situation has landed me here at this forum. I am not looking for someone to solve my problems, rather, engage in some discussions that will help me in some fashion deal with all of this. I am feeling myself drawn to his woman ever so slowly, and I am not fighting it. Instead, I am just willing to see where it goes emotionally.

[LakesideDream]

NoWhere, As it doesen't seem that either you or your current wife are very invested in your marriage, why not call it quits and return to being single yourself?

 

With no children in common, both of you having seperate careers.. it seems you have little to lose. Waiting around to back into another relationship doesen't seem to be a very esteem building thing to do.

[NoIDidn't]

I am feeling myself drawn to his woman ever so slowly, and I am not fighting it. Instead, I am just willing to see where it goes emotionally.

 

Thank you for this very concise explanation for how the typical husband gets into an A - by refusing to resist the temptation. This is not an A (affair) yet. But it has all the makings of a potential EA should what you said here be said to your colleague.

 

One question though: If you are slow to pick up on one woman's interest, would it not follow that you are slow to pick up on your wife's discontent? Women don't blow up unless they feel ignored - right or wrong.

 

Your post sounds and feels very dry emotionally. Its as if you haven't the capability of letting anyone get really close to you anyway. IMO

[whichwayisup]

Don't cheat. Don't involve another person into your life, your marriage, until you're divorced. Just because you didn't get hurt in the past when your 1st wife cheated on you, doesn't mean that you have to be selfish and do this. There are kids involved, maybe not yours together with her, but all of you now are a family. Don't do this to them, to your wife or to yourself.

 

Either fix the marriage or get out.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for this very concise explanation for how the typical husband gets into an A - by refusing to resist the temptation. This is not an A (affair) yet. But it has all the makings of a potential EA should what you said here be said to your colleague.

 

And that is a choice. Not an accident, it's a planned thing to allow yourself to fall for someone else. You're putting yourself IN that situation where "it" can happen and you won't be able to, nor want to say no.

 

Think ahead and not so much in the heat of the moment.

[NoWhereMan]

Thanks to all for the messages; it is good that there are discussion groups out there like this one since this isn't a topic most people would feel comfortable talking to friends/family about.

 

NoIDid't...you are correct in assessing my emotional level. Things that have happened in my life (as a small child, witnessing my mother's attempted suicide and more over my life time) have had profound effects. Therapy has helped me understand my limitations. I am sure this has played a role in my relationships too.

 

As far as ending my own marriage and being single again; I have given this some thought. Where I am in my life now, it is not the right time (there has been too much tragedy in our lives this year with friends/family deaths). I will have to face this idea again in the not so distant future.

 

With the former co-worker, I guess I am trying to navigate the treacherous waters of making an emotional connection with someone in the hopes that it may show me that I might still have a chance in finding emotions in a relationship. More than likely, I have missinterpreted these signals from her and this situation will probably not go any further. I am not the "chasing" type.

 

BTW - my mother is still alive and she and my Dad have been married for over fifty years.

[NoIDidn't]

NoIDid't...you are correct in assessing my emotional level. Things that have happened in my life (as a small child, witnessing my mother's attempted suicide and more over my life time) have had profound effects. Therapy has helped me understand my limitations. I am sure this has played a role in my relationships too.

 

You really can "hear" it in your post. And you better believe the childhood experiences have affected your relationships. If I can feel it in a post, no doubt those you spend your life with notice it as well.

 

As far as ending my own marriage and being single again; I have given this some thought. Where I am in my life now, it is not the right time (there has been too much tragedy in our lives this year with friends/family deaths). I will have to face this idea again in the not so distant future.

 

With the former co-worker, I guess I am trying to navigate the treacherous waters of making an emotional connection with someone in the hopes that it may show me that I might still have a chance in finding emotions in a relationship. More than likely, I have missinterpreted these signals from her and this situation will probably not go any further. I am not the "chasing" type.

 

 

Now, here is where you are starting to sound like a decision is being made to cheat.

 

1. You have decided not to resist if the co-worker starts showing signs of interest.

 

While you may not be "chasing" her, you both are putting out feelers to see where each one is emotionally and this causes sexual tension to build up.

 

2. Now is not a good time to leave your marriage.

 

This means that you haven't made a definite decision to leave but you are looking to "enhance your life" with a new experience in the mean time.

 

3. You want to know if you are still alive, so to speak.

 

And I quote "in the hopes that it may show me that I might still have a chance in finding emotions in a relationship".

 

4. You desire an emotional connection, but you have decided not to seek it or re-establish it with your W.

 

This is where you need to go to therapy again because fixing this will fix the first two. Whether your marriage survives or not, fixing the fear of re-establishing that emotional connection with your W (the person that is supposed to be your intimate confidante) - whether you re-establish it or not - will make or break future relationships of any kind. IMHO.

 

Are you close to your mom? Its great that she wasn't successful but I bet that was horrific for a young child to witness!!!

 

If you are truly considering seeing where things go with this former co-worker, please don't do so before reading a couple of books on the grieving process and infidelity. After the deaths of friends and/or family members is one of the most common times that people cheat. Grief and stress do things to people. My own H had an EA with a co-worker following the death of one of his parents. So I know. And I knew he changed but he shut me out of it. He went through the motions of life and I was hurting right along with him, but he couldn't see past his own grief at the time.

 

We are still together and better than we were before, so it wasn't me or the marriage - it was him. So don't take this personally when I say its not your W or your marriage, its YOU. You have withdrawn emotionally from your W and marriage and you need to find out why. Not point fingers at her or the marriage, but this calls for some real, painful, soul-searching. The kind you can't do when you are busy putting out feelers to someone else.

 

And, trust me on this, you WILL have to do the soul-searching one day. Whether you pursue the affair or not. You WILL have to face yourself and your past one day. The affair will make it much harder though. MUCH harder. Incompatitability has nothing on shame, guilt, and regret!

[bish]

What compounds all of this is that she has mentioned lately that she is looking forward to moving on with her life...all but coming out and saying this would be as a single person. She is also doing things with her female friends which suggest the same.

 

So she is moving on with her life and her husband doesn't know it? She is going out with her female friends(and you know where that leads) and isn't talking with her H about separating or anything?

 

 

This situation has landed me here at this forum. I am not looking for someone to solve my problems, rather, engage in some discussions that will help me in some fashion deal with all of this. I am feeling myself drawn to his woman ever so slowly, and I am not fighting it. Instead, I am just willing to see where it goes emotionally.

 

You are willing to see where it goes emotionally? ok. Tell us why you are married again?

[soda]

Your wife is a really lucky person, considering that you appear to be lining up your next relationship before you vacate the first. Cheating will effectively end her marriage, yours, and it appears that she has a child involved. Hmmm...that's ugly and selfish on a lot of levels.

 

If your friend is so intent on ending her marriage (as you claim that she is), why not give her the chance to end her marriage before you move in on her. Give her space. Let her end her marriage for the right reasons. If she truly has the feelings for you that you claim she does, she'll still be there for you when the dust settles. If not, it wasn't meant to be. If you interfere, you're going to be somewhat responsible for what happens. If it ends badly for her, you'll be a homewrecker, and she might not end up being with you.

 

Give her space. I was in a similar circumstance years ago (I was single.) It was clear that she had feelings for me and wasn't happy in her marriage. I gave her space...let her make her own decisions. She ended up deciding that she loved her husband, and they worked things out. She later thanked me for not taking advantage of her when she was vulnerable.

 

It sounds like you have some issues to work through, anyway. It doesn't sound like you're in a good place for having a relationship...especially a new one.

[soda]

Funny...I would have thought this one would have received more responses. Here's a guy who seems to be trying to think through what the right thing to do is, and the forum is quiet on it.

 

One thing I might add is that I've also been the vulnerable one (having marital problems and wondering about the state of the marriage), and I had a female friend who ATTEMPTED to take advantage of the situation. She spent time convincing me that "life was too short" and how much happier I could be if I ended the marriage. She promised to be there "to support me." Like most people, I was smart enough to recognize what she was doing. Not only did I not take the bait, I never spoke to this woman again.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're in your 2nd marriage, your wife is in her 3rd marriage and your co-worker is about to leave her 1st marriage, everyone chasing after the next big thing. Wouldn't it pay to spend some time thinking about the mindset and events that brought all three of you to this point? Otherwise, what stops the same malaise from setting in two years from now after you've all changed partners? Happiness is not like a pizza - someone else doesn't deliver it to your door...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mental_traveller]

Don't cheat. Give your wife a "therapy or divorce - your call darling" ultimatum, and mean it. If she won't go, split. If she does, see how it goes - if after a few months it still sucks, then leave.

 

Find someone else, not a married woman - too much drama, not to mention the morality of it. In future, don't date people with temper or communication problems. Stick to people with adult, mature personalities.

[NoWhereMan]

Since my initial post, I have met with my therapist, then ran into the former co-worker at the event.

 

My therapist helped me reflect on many issues and made me realize that I am now in a place which requires me to focus on the here and now (i.e. my marriage) and if things do not work out, then I need some time to myself (i.e. not be in a relationship for awhile) to figure out where my path may lie.

 

My therapist helped me realize that over the last month or so I have been not as cheerful and outgoing to my wife...just more subdued in my emotions but still communicating and engaging in conversations, yet, my wife has been less stressed and more caring and concerned about me. She has not asked once "is everything okay?". Which makes things a little harder it seems in seeking out marriage counseling since this (her demeanor) is what I wanted long ago, but now I do not seem to care (I am bordering on indifference). More sessions to try and figure this out.

 

When I saw the former co-worker, I realized that I was not going to pursue or allow to be pursued by her, so I was cordial, said a brief "hello", chatted a bit, and proceeded to move around the room. All in all, I think I was reading too much into her and making assumptions about her being attracted to me that really had no basis. I also realized that if she and I were single, and we had a mutual attraction, it would not work...too much difference in emotional age. Fortunately, it appears that I will not be seeing her again. If she emails me occasionally like before, I will respond like I did at the event - brief and cordial, then will move on.

[Owl]

So what are you doing to improve your marriage?

[soda]

NoWhereMan -- is it possible that your wife wasn't initially giving you the concern because she knew your heart was with your friend rather than with her? I dunno. I know about my wife's wandering heart than she has a clue about...mainly because she's really crummy at figuring out what friends to trust.

 

I think you need to focus on what you can do to improve the marriage, not what your wife needs to do. I suspect that your chasing around a younger woman has something to do with the marriage suffering, whether your wife knows about it or not.