the inevitable contact

[LikeCharlotte]

I posted this in "post here"

 

Dear XSO-

I saw you yesterday and wanted to vomit on my dress, just as I'd expected. You didn't so much as look in my direction being in the same place as me for over 4 hours. I had to drink to stop my hands from shaking from fear and anger that you didn't even acknowledge me. I felt better after a few drinks but just barely. I had to stay away from you all day because you couldn't be nice enough to just try to be decent to me. I just wish you would treat me like a person. It's just awful. How long can this go on? Please stop this. Its not right! I am a good person and I don't deserve this. I wish I didn't care but how could I not care? Its just such intentional coldness. I am not a stranger. I am the woman you slept with for all that time... the person you talked to every day. I have feelings. I don't want anything from you but decency and the ability to make this awkward situation better. Every time you treat me as if I don't exist I just feel so f****** used and it really hurts.

-Charlotte

 

I want to talk about it with LSers. I knew this would happen but I just couldn't be prepared for it anymore than I was. This was with mutual friends at their place and it will probably happen again. help?

[Elena62]

I posted this in "post here"

 

Dear XSO-

I saw you yesterday and wanted to vomit on my dress, just as I'd expected. You didn't so much as look in my direction being in the same place as me for over 4 hours. I had to drink to stop my hands from shaking from fear and anger that you didn't even acknowledge me. I felt better after a few drinks but just barely. I had to stay away from you all day because you couldn't be nice enough to just try to be decent to me. I just wish you would treat me like a person. It's just awful. How long can this go on? Please stop this. Its not right! I am a good person and I don't deserve this. I wish I didn't care but how could I not care? Its just such intentional coldness. I am not a stranger. I am the woman you slept with for all that time... the person you talked to every day. I have feelings. I don't want anything from you but decency and the ability to make this awkward situation better. Every time you treat me as if I don't exist I just feel so f****** used and it really hurts.

-Charlotte

 

I want to talk about it with LSers. I knew this would happen but I just couldn't be prepared for it anymore than I was. This was with mutual friends at their place and it will probably happen again. help?

 

 

So you wish he would treat you with respect? He can't! It's obvious it's him with the problem.

 

He treats you like you don't exist? He blanks you out and makes you feel like nothing? He wants to affect you. If he were indifferent, he would be civil. The man is on a mission to make it known to you that he wants some form on control still. He's not ignoring you, he's ignoring his won feelings - again, it's all about him isn't it? And you're falling into it by allowing him to make you feel that way.

 

If he ignores you, let him, what else can you do? BUT what you CAN do is to move forward with life to a place you become indifferent to everything he does and doesn't do.

 

If you can emotionally detach with time you will find his actions pathetic and see him for the person he is. He's the one with the problem, not you!

 

Treat yourself kindly (visits to gym, get your hair done, nails done.)

Make yourself believe in you again by making yourself your own personal project.

Make a long term plan for yourself.

Make a short term plan on your days to help you validate what you like.

Take one of your dreams (travel, change of job what ever) and work towards obtaining it.

 

And most importantly, don't let anyone try to control your sense of self by their pure inability for showing compassion and kindness.

 

Remember, you're worth a lot - a lot more than he could ever give

 

Hang in there!

[Lookingforward]

I posted this in "post here"

 

Dear XSO-

I saw you yesterday and wanted to vomit on my dress, just as I'd expected. You didn't so much as look in my direction being in the same place as me for over 4 hours. I had to drink to stop my hands from shaking from fear and anger that you didn't even acknowledge me. I felt better after a few drinks but just barely. I had to stay away from you all day because you couldn't be nice enough to just try to be decent to me. I just wish you would treat me like a person. It's just awful. How long can this go on? Please stop this. Its not right! I am a good person and I don't deserve this. I wish I didn't care but how could I not care? Its just such intentional coldness. I am not a stranger. I am the woman you slept with for all that time... the person you talked to every day. I have feelings. I don't want anything from you but decency and the ability to make this awkward situation better. Every time you treat me as if I don't exist I just feel so f****** used and it really hurts.

-Charlotte

 

I want to talk about it with LSers. I knew this would happen but I just couldn't be prepared for it anymore than I was. This was with mutual friends at their place and it will probably happen again. help?

 

LC, the man obviously has early onset alzheimer's or something.... his memory's shot - lord knows what other physical attributes aren't up to snuff anymore either. (trying make you laugh)

 

Seems you dodged a BIG bullet with this one

[stlnsmile]

So you wish he would treat you with respect? He can't! It's obvious it's him with the problem.

 

He treats you like you don't exist? He blanks you out and makes you feel like nothing? He wants to affect you. If he were indifferent, he would be civil. The man is on a mission to make it known to you that he wants some form on control still. He's not ignoring you, he's ignoring his won feelings - again, it's all about him isn't it? And you're falling into it by allowing him to make you feel that way.

 

If he ignores you, let him, what else can you do? BUT what you CAN do is to move forward with life to a place you become indifferent to everything he does and doesn't do.

 

If you can emotionally detach with time you will find his actions pathetic and see him for the person he is. He's the one with the problem, not you!

 

Treat yourself kindly (visits to gym, get your hair done, nails done.)

Make yourself believe in you again by making yourself your own personal project.

Make a long term plan for yourself.

Make a short term plan on your days to help you validate what you like.

Take one of your dreams (travel, change of job what ever) and work towards obtaining it.

 

And most importantly, don't let anyone try to control your sense of self by their pure inability for showing compassion and kindness.

 

Remember, you're worth a lot - a lot more than he could ever give

 

Hang in there!

 

Charlotte, this is so true. My ex was in my school, and he did this stuff all the time. He would come to the courts where I was practicing and just stare at me. He did it for the same reason, control. He wanted to illicit a response. He wanted to hurt me. He wanted to make me feel something. He was already with someone else.

 

Your ex is the same way, he wants to hurt you. And it makes no sense, and is very immature. Shouldn't this show you his maturity level. He is the one incapable of being a grown up, not you. He's the one who would rather run and hide than face the world or you. If he's so certain that his actions were right, even if he knew he hurt you, wouldn't he be happy with his decision, and feel confidant in himself, feeling "hey, I hurt her and that sucks, but this was right for me and I had to do it". And then treat you like a human.

 

Its possible he's just scared, he feels he distroyed your world and has some psychotic fear that by talking to you you are gonna go all nuts on him, but realistically, its a childish fear. Again, he's a child. A guilt ridden child who wants to inflict pain and run away. Charlotte, don't let him make you feel anything but proud. Proud of who you are, proud of how you have handled yourself, proud of the person you have become.

 

And Charlotte, faced with that situation again, and I could be wrong, be the bigger person, go up to his dumb a** and say "you know you don't have to treat me like I never exsisted, Im not going to cry, yell, scream or do anything that would make you uncomfortable. So stop acting like a 4 yr. old. And then walk away. Let him know you see his juvinile cr** for what it is. Others might tell you to just ignore him for your own sake, but I hate the elephant in the room. I never confronted my ex, but thats because I would have fallen into a ball of tears and begged him back:) You seem much stronger than I am in so many ways.

[LikeCharlotte]

So you wish he would treat you with respect? He can't! It's obvious it's him with the problem.

 

He treats you like you don't exist? He blanks you out and makes you feel like nothing? He wants to affect you. If he were indifferent, he would be civil. The man is on a mission to make it known to you that he wants some form on control still. He's not ignoring you, he's ignoring his own feelings - again, it's all about him isn't it? And you're falling into it by allowing him to make you feel that way.

Wow. Do you know him? You are so right! He defiantly has a control issue, he also is a master of ignoring his feelings and he will do whatever he has to to defend his fragile ego construct. As for allowing him to make me feel that way... at least I won't let him see it. I tried so hard to prepare myself to handle it because I knew this was exactly how he'd act. I know he is a grown man acting like an adolescent to manipulate the world around him to suit his personal issues.

 

If he ignores you, let him, what else can you do? BUT what you CAN do is to move forward with life to a place you become indifferent to everything he does and doesn't do.

 

If you can emotionally detach with time you will find his actions pathetic and see him for the person he is. He's the one with the problem, not you!

I let him ignore me but I think its going to take a little "exposure" for me to get numb to it. This could have been out of the way months ago. Honestly I'd be a little hurt if a casual acquaintance treated me with such disdain. Of course if you called him on his BS he'd act as if he wasn't doing anything at all and never offer an explaination. I keep hearing that he is the one with the problem and yet it seems as if he is getting away with behaving this way and no one will ever tell about himself.

 

I'm over him. I'm over it. I'm over trying to be friends, or friends for the sake of friends at this point I was hoping for "able to behave like normal adults in the presence of friends". It was seriously like there was an invisible wall and tether that kept him at a certain distance. He actually ran passed me several times... as if walking might expose him to the same air as me for too long! How far does he need to take this? Seriously? Should I go sit in the corner like a good girl until he tells me its safe to go out. Everything is always on his terms AAAAAAAAAA. I have MY life back now... I want all of the control back. He shouldn't get to impose this game into my space. He should stay home if its such a problem! I want to scream I am so frustrated... I appoligize LS.

 

Treat yourself kindly (visits to gym, get your hair done, nails done.)

Make yourself believe in you again by making yourself your own personal project.

Make a long term plan for yourself.

Make a short term plan on your days to help you validate what you like.

Take one of your dreams (travel, change of job what ever) and work towards obtaining it.

I've been here and back already but thank you. I'll get a pedicure today to take my mind off it.

And most importantly, don't let anyone try to control your sense of self by their pure inability for showing compassion and kindness.

 

Remember, you're worth a lot - a lot more than he could ever give

 

Hang in there!

You are right and I know it.

 

Apt quote for the day:

"I could tell you my adventures — beginning from this morning,' said Alice a little timidly: 'but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."- Alice in Wonderland

[LikeCharlotte]

And Charlotte, faced with that situation again, and I could be wrong, be the bigger person, go up to his dumb a** and say "you know you don't have to treat me like I never exsisted, Im not going to cry, yell, scream or do anything that would make you uncomfortable. So stop acting like a 4 yr. old. And then walk away. Let him know you see his juvinile cr** for what it is. Others might tell you to just ignore him for your own sake, but I hate the elephant in the room. I never confronted my ex, but thats because I would have fallen into a ball of tears and begged him back:) You seem much stronger than I am in so many ways.

I'd love to do that but I have extended the sentiments and the hand over and over again. I sometimes think he feeds off of it. I won't give him anything more. I've said it before... it his ball now and he can play by himself if he likes. I try to be strong but the bile and juicy mouth I got when I saw him tells me that there are in fact some parts of my emotions I just can't control; namely the physiological ones. I wish our friends would say something instead of enabling his behavior. My ex-ex (much more significant relationship, stable and mature) showed up later in the night after the ex left and we all had a really nice time together. The elephant was gone and he took the thick air with him.

[LikeCharlotte]

LC, the man obviously has early onset alzheimer's or something.... his memory's shot - lord knows what other physical attributes aren't up to snuff anymore either. (trying make you laugh)

 

Seems you dodged a BIG bullet with this one

:laugh::laugh:

thank you LF:love: I needed that! Oh yeah, I'm counting my lucky stars over this bullet dodge! *whew!*

[sunshinegirl]

LC, could it have been something more benign in that you reminded him of how badly he behaved, how much he hurt you, what a jerk he was, and general reminders of your relationship together? And, not wanting to face any of those things, it was easier to pretend you weren't there?

 

I just find that in any post-breakup 'run-in' or whathaveyou, it is ALWAYS awkward, for both parties, even if not to this extreme. I've certainly needed to ignore an ex in the room because I would have cried if we had as much as said hello.

 

I just wonder if not enough time has passed for all the emotions on both sides to cool off enough that it's not a charged situation to see each other.

[Lookingforward]

LC, could it have been something more benign in that you reminded him of how badly he behaved, how much he hurt you, what a jerk he was, and general reminders of your relationship together? And, not wanting to face any of those things, it was easier to pretend you weren't there?

 

I just find that in any post-breakup 'run-in' or whathaveyou, it is ALWAYS awkward, for both parties, even if not to this extreme. I've certainly needed to ignore an ex in the room because I would have cried if we had as much as said hello.

 

I just wonder if not enough time has passed for all the emotions on both sides to cool off enough that it's not a charged situation to see each other.

 

Basically what you're saying is the guy is a total coward ? Yeah, I think so - most that "run away" from the breakup are.

[Lookingforward]

It was seriously like there was an invisible wall and tether that kept him at a certain distance. He actually ran passed me several times... as if walking might expose him to the same air as me for too long! How far does he need to take this? Seriously? Should I go sit in the corner like a good girl until he tells me its safe to go out. Everything is always on his terms

 

No, I think far better would be to sit back and laugh at him every time he exhibits this assinine behaviour. Let him know you think he's hysterical when he tries to twist himself into a pretzel to avoid you. Maybe others will notice and start treating him the same way.

[Trialbyfire]

LC, I doubt this is about you, more about him. He's probably doing NC. Even dumpers have a period of time where they need to pull themselves together and move on.

[orangehose]

LC, I am in the exact same position as you are - the guy broke up with me suddenly and rather disrespectfully, not because of anything I had done wrong, and since then has refused to look at me (we've had no contact since the moment of breakup). He has actually scurried around me when I've been in his vicinity. Like you, I felt (and still feel) like I at least deserved some basic civility as someone he had known intimately for so long. I felt like he was throwing **** in my face every time I saw him. I would tell myself, what am I, a member of the Gestapo, for him to be treating me like that?!? I hadn't wronged him. I hadn't even dumped him. It was infuriating, and confusing.

 

But now I have two explanations for why dumpers can behave like this: one is that it's that person's STYLE to act like this post-breakup, regardless of who did the breaking up or why. You may want to ask yourself if your ex has had this pattern with other girlfriends or even friendships that ended somehow. The second is cowardliness - some part of him knows he probably upset you or hurt you, and he wants to just completely avoid the situation. It's not quite the same as remorse or guilt, which I don't want to delude myself into thinking that the dumper feels - it's more like pure avoidance.

 

As for what to do - well, I too have asked myself if not saying anything, not doing anything is just letting someone get away with crappy behavior. As in, should he be informed of the immaturity and cowardliness of his behavior? But then, another part of me doesn't even want to risk promoting his moral / spiritual development. He doesn't deserve it.

[orangehose]

Oh and yes, we both DEFINITELY dodged bullets.

[justine4]

So you wish he would treat you with respect? He can't! It's obvious it's him with the problem.

 

He treats you like you don't exist? He blanks you out and makes you feel like nothing? He wants to affect you. If he were indifferent, he would be civil. The man is on a mission to make it known to you that he wants some form on control still. He's not ignoring you, he's ignoring his won feelings - again, it's all about him isn't it? And you're falling into it by allowing him to make you feel that way.

 

If he ignores you, let him, what else can you do? BUT what you CAN do is to move forward with life to a place you become indifferent to everything he does and doesn't do.

 

If you can emotionally detach with time you will find his actions pathetic and see him for the person he is. He's the one with the problem, not you!

 

Treat yourself kindly (visits to gym, get your hair done, nails done.)

Make yourself believe in you again by making yourself your own personal project.

Make a long term plan for yourself.

Make a short term plan on your days to help you validate what you like.

Take one of your dreams (travel, change of job what ever) and work towards obtaining it.

 

And most importantly, don't let anyone try to control your sense of self by their pure inability for showing compassion and kindness.

 

Remember, you're worth a lot - a lot more than he could ever give

 

Hang in there!

 

WOW! Great advice Elena. The voice of reason with some really good pointers on moving forward.

[orangehose]

I tried so hard to prepare myself to handle it because I knew this was exactly how he'd act. I know he is a grown man acting like an adolescent to manipulate the world around him to suit his personal issues.

 

You know what's odd? I, too, predicted my ex would act like this should I ever break up with him. Didn't suspect he'd act like this if he broke up with me, though. Anyway, lesson learned: don't keep going out with someone if you already sense that for whatever reason, they're not the type of person who can be civil post-breakup (assuming no party did something majorly wrong, obviously).

[justine4]

What a horrible situation to be in LC. I really feel for you.

 

I think you kept your dignity and you need to be commended for holding your ground instead of running away and crying and giving him that satisfaction.

 

Could there be any chance that his conscience came into play and he avoided speaking to you because he knows how badly he has treated you?

 

Or, to play the devils advocate, could he have been feeling similar to you but hadn't got the guts to come over and speak to you?

[carhill]

I agree with TBF; IMO the actions of the OP's ex are not directed at her personally. It's his coping mechanism to center himself. Perhaps this "distance" is his attempt at being civil. Accept it for what it is. He made no provocative moves and was in no way offensive.

 

I hope, at some point, the OP will reach the point where projecting reasons onto his actions will subside and acceptance will prevail. Polite indifference. Own your power.

[serendip]

I want to talk about it with LSers. I knew this would happen but I just couldn't be prepared for it anymore than I was. This was with mutual friends at their place and it will probably happen again. help?

 

Well here's the thing...on LS we tell people to act indifferent towards the ex. In order to heal...they should avoid contact...but if they can't....then act like seeing the ex is not a big deal. That's what your ex is doing(he is doing exactly the advice we suggest)...and yet some of the posters are on him like he's evil incarnate.

 

It looks like dude is just trying to heal...there's nothing he did that was anything seriously wrong.

[LikeCharlotte]

LC, could it have been something more benign in that you reminded him of how badly he behaved, how much he hurt you, what a jerk he was, and general reminders of your relationship together? And, not wanting to face any of those things, it was easier to pretend you weren't there?

 

I just find that in any post-breakup 'run-in' or whathaveyou, it is ALWAYS awkward, for both parties, even if not to this extreme. I've certainly needed to ignore an ex in the room because I would have cried if we had as much as said hello.

 

I just wonder if not enough time has passed for all the emotions on both sides to cool off enough that it's not a charged situation to see each other.

Its possible that he still needs time but the right thing to do would be to either not come to events where I will be or just suck it up and try to handle it like an adult. I'm easy to deal with when someone is straight with me. I get the impression that he doesn't think he's treated me badly at all. I can't say he was that bad during the relationship. He has issues ie: running away, short fuse, lacks good communication tools. It has been post-break-up that he's been plain mean and confusing.

 

He would say one thing and do something else. He told me we were friends and when I went on that assumption and invited him out of courtesy and attempted to be friendly and after a couple weeks he changed his tune but only slightly. I felt like he was just acting strangely so I asked him if he was angry of if he was uncomfortable and finally he said that we were friends but less contact would be good. I agreed although I did try to talk about the issue with the mutual friends and wanted an explaination and got close to nothing. His actual explanation is that we were already friends but we "wouldn't be in each others lives very much.' I tried to gauge what "very much" meant so we were clear and I wouldn't step on his toes. It was nearly impossible to get an idea of what he meant. He was describing not knowing me at all and simply "seeing me around" and the circle of friends niceties that go with the acquaintance category but calling it being friends. It was impossible to clearly discern what he wanted. I asked if he was angry with me over something, he said "no". I asked if he was still hurt and needed time; he said "no". A little explaination goes a long way. I don't absolutely need it but it saves a lot of guess work.

 

I understand him pretty well even when he's being vague or closed off so even though his statements were contradictory and it seemed like he was making it more difficult than it needed to be - I simply agreed. Okay, fine so I go on that assumption and I sent him a message about a month or so later that I had graduated (big deal to me I told EVERYONE and even casual distant acquaintances came out of the woodwork to say something!) which was met with him signing off his messenger and NEVER signing back on. No response... that was really severe! I was doing what i thought we'd agreed upon I honestly thought he'd want to know. So I took that as him never wanting to talk to me again. I deleted him from my social network sites. I deleted him in every way but I had no idea how I was going to handle the mutual friends. I knew he was going to act this way.

 

Fast forward to about three weeks ago. I finally decide that I want to talk to the mutual friends because its obvious that I'm being excluded at times and that he is avoiding me. We all do a lot of things together in the summertime and I was starting to get very uncomfortable about the strangeness with him. I very lightly told them that I was aware of it and I planned to be respectful of his feelings (that he never had the decency to state at all let alone wherefors or why's) but I didn''t think it was fair for them or me. After the talk I just threw caution to the wind and dug up his number and sent a text that I wanted to talk (via messenger) to try to set some sort of... something. It was just getting to complicated and we weren't in contact at all. I just wanted it dealt with, boundaries set and so on. I felt it was just wrong to put our friends in the middle. He was friendly at first but quickly defensive. I didn't get very much out and he was off like a rabbit before iId even asked the second question. He has a pre-made handy excuse... as usual.

 

I don't even know why I'm writing this out right now. I just want to say that I'm sick of this game and I've tried to be nice. I quit.

[LikeCharlotte]

Well here's the thing...on LS we tell people to act indifferent towards the ex. In order to heal...they should avoid contact...but if they can't....then act like seeing the ex is not a big deal. That's what your ex is doing(he is doing exactly the advice we suggest)...and yet some of the posters are on him like he's evil incarnate.

 

It looks like dude is just trying to heal...there's nothing he did that was anything seriously wrong.

If you had been there you would have seen how ridiculous it was. If it was no big deal then being in the same space as me wouldn't have mattered. It was really quite a show. Its hard to explain... this was in no way a mature reaction. He literally RAN past me several times.

[LikeCharlotte]

I agree with TBF; IMO the actions of the OP's ex are not directed at her personally. It's his coping mechanism to center himself. Perhaps this "distance" is his attempt at being civil. Accept it for what it is. He made no provocative moves and was in no way offensive.

 

I hope, at some point, the OP will reach the point where projecting reasons onto his actions will subside and acceptance will prevail. Polite indifference. Own your power.

Hey, I'm fine if he want to get himself together. I hope he gets over it if he's not already but his actions (he'd deny his) were 100% avoidant. We weren't in a club we were at someones home with people we both know very very well. He had to go waaaayy out of his way to avoid me. I have no problem dealing with it head on. I have nothing left for him except fear that he is going to be mean or cold to me. I'm sorry but that hurts coming from anyone. He is the one with the problem so he should either stay home or be nice. I'm not asking for much. He is a grown man.

 

I don't care about his reasons at all. Really. I just want civility and this nonscense to stop. Im not projecting. I'm way past that. Really.

[LikeCharlotte]

Or, to play the devils advocate, could he have been feeling similar to you but hadn't got the guts to come over and speak to you?

I'd like to think that this is is the case. Honestly I don't care what his reasons are I just don't want to deal with that behavior again.

[LikeCharlotte]

You know what's odd? I, too, predicted my ex would act like this should I ever break up with him. Didn't suspect he'd act like this if he broke up with me, though. Anyway, lesson learned: don't keep going out with someone if you already sense that for whatever reason, they're not the type of person who can be civil post-breakup (assuming no party did something majorly wrong, obviously).

Good advice. I've never had a situation like this before. I never have any problems with ex's. Its always pick up, brush off, be nice to one another. This is why I shouldn't date outside my comfort zone as people suggest. Loved him to pieces when I was with him... think he's an alien species now. Who is this guy and why did I have sex with him?

[LikeCharlotte]

LC, I doubt this is about you, more about him. He's probably doing NC. Even dumpers have a period of time where they need to pull themselves together and move on.

Thanks TBF. I try to keep that in mind but he really handles it poorly if thats is what is happening. I know its about him to him. Its always about him. I'm forced into a corner and spoon fed whatever he decides and he gets to act like an absolute jerk. That's fine but he needs to behave more appropriately. He is not the only person in the world. I am a person and his friends should matter as well. I'm just frustrated. I want to be comfortable too... I deserve that. Doesn't polite indifference mean what it says? Poilte. I am being polite and I feel indifferent with one exception. I have this fear of what he is going to do next because hes so intense with his actions and reactions. I literally got sick when I saw him because I knew he wouldn't be simply nice.

[LikeCharlotte]

LC, I am in the exact same position as you are - the guy broke up with me suddenly and rather disrespectfully, not because of anything I had done wrong, and since then has refused to look at me (we've had no contact since the moment of breakup). He has actually scurried around me when I've been in his vicinity. Like you, I felt (and still feel) like I at least deserved some basic civility as someone he had known intimately for so long. I felt like he was throwing **** in my face every time I saw him. I would tell myself, what am I, a member of the Gestapo, for him to be treating me like that?!? I hadn't wronged him. I hadn't even dumped him. It was infuriating, and confusing.

As if you'd turn into some begging psycho right? Ridiculous. If there is a reason at least have the nerve to say "hey orange you suck because... please go away forever" instead of just leaving you to agonize. Common decency isn't hard to manage. What is wrong with people like this?

 

But now I have two explanations for why dumpers can behave like this: one is that it's that person's STYLE to act like this post-breakup, regardless of who did the breaking up or why. You may want to ask yourself if your ex has had this pattern with other girlfriends or even friendships that ended somehow. The second is cowardliness - some part of him knows he probably upset you or hurt you, and he wants to just completely avoid the situation. It's not quite the same as remorse or guilt, which I don't want to delude myself into thinking that the dumper feels - it's more like pure avoidance.

Its his "style" with everything - avoidant and controlling. I don't care as long as I'm not FORCED to deal with it. He clearly doesn't see anything outside himself and his comfort.

 

As for what to do - well, I too have asked myself if not saying anything, not doing anything is just letting someone get away with crappy behavior. As in, should he be informed of the immaturity and cowardliness of his behavior? But then, another part of me doesn't even want to risk promoting his moral / spiritual development. He doesn't deserve it.

I will not let him get away with this. One way or another he is going to put on his big boy pants and deal with me or he can leave when I am around. I won't be manipulated into what he wants anymore. I'm not a puppet I am a person. I get my say too and I want to enjoy my summer with friends. Ugh, this is so stupid. Help me get my control back. I mean at some point people will not placate him and he'll have to stop right?