Dead inside at the edge of darkness

[Screwedover]

Most days I don't consider it. Probably 9.5 days out of 10. I hope it stops popping up in my head as time goes on.

 

Anyway, this isn't about me. I just wanted you to be prepared for that thought to pop into your head, Leo. Take care.

[Untouchable_Fire]

No need to be concerned, UF. I am a big girl. I can handle the truth.

No one implied Leo should forgive. My only suggestion was that he make decisions based on thought, rather than emotion.

And, from what I gather on this forum, most men don't forgive. Neither do they bury or forget. They allow the pain to eat them up inside and turn them into bitter, cynical human beings.

Please don't presume you know my situation well enough to know what the outcome will be. Only God knows that.

 

Sorry, I was not predicting the outcome of your situation, or at least not attempting to.

 

I just think you are in a place where your attitude can make things work. I was more worried about you making mental comparisons from this thread. However, as you point out... you are a big girl, and more than capable of handling yourself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Question for all? If I get a court order for text messages from her cell phone, will I only only get a listing of when texts where sent or can I get the actual content of the text messages?

Thanks!!

 

I think that varies. The suggestion to take the cellphone is a good one. Is it beneficial in court to prove an affair? It really sounds like your the last one to know anyway.

 

Do you really need the text messages? Where there is smoke there is fire, try getting into her email account.

[pelicanpreacher]

 

I have my first phone call with my lawyer in 5 minutes. Yesterday she was making sure that there was no conflict of interest in representing me. None. Let the games begin.

 

I also spoke with my daughter's therapist yesterday to see if I could meet with her so she could give me some advice. I broke down the story for her without mentioning who the OM was. Her first question to me was.....Is the OM the music teacher? OMG, why did she ask me that? I meet with her tonight and will probe this deeply.

 

I'll write back this evening. Sometimes I feel like Maximus in the gladiator ring, "Are you not entertained!!!???" I truly appreciate the help and advice you have all been sending my way. You all are my cyberangels. God Bless you.

 

Looks like I hit this nail right on the head in my former assesments and predictions of your situation. I'd like you to further probe as to who was the primary instigator for putting your life on the road...was it really that important in accordance to your daughters' convictions to remain in your home town, especially in light of all their prior travel with you, or did your wife provide the primary impetus to their argument not to relocate the family. Based upon your family's descriptions of her behavior it would seem advantageous for her to keep you completely out of sight and out of mind to more easily perpetrate her shenanigans.

 

The only reason I bring the relocation decision up is because I grew up as a military brat so the thought of a move just didn't phase me growing up, especially as I got older!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Looks like I hit this nail right on the head in my former assesments and predictions of your situation. I'd like you to further probe as to who was the primary instigator for putting your life on the road...was it really that important in accordance to your daughters' convictions to remain in your home town, especially in light of all their prior travel with you, or did your wife provide the primary impetus to their argument not to relocate the family. Based upon your family's descriptions of her behavior it would seem advantageous for her to keep you completely out of sight and out of mind to more easily perpetrate her shenanigans.

 

The only reason I bring the relocation decision up is because I grew up as a military brat so the thought of a move just didn't phase me growing up, especially as I got older!

 

hmmm...if your above opinion is true, then Leo's wife is more devious that I thought. BUT, BUT...given the deception my wife did to me, it wouldnt surprise me if she was the one NOT wanting to move.

 

As I think back, there were many times, I wanted to go do something on a weekend night or take a weekend wiht the guys. Were in the past my wife would give me grief, but during her affair, she had no qualms about me being gone for the weekend.....hind sight

[pelicanpreacher]

hmmm...if your above opinion is true, then Leo's wife is more devious that I thought. BUT, BUT...given the deception my wife did to me, it wouldnt surprise me if she was the one NOT wanting to move.

 

As I think back, there were many times, I wanted to go do something on a weekend night or take a weekend wiht the guys. Where in the past my wife would give me grief, but during her affair, she had no qualms about me being gone for the weekend.....hind sight

 

Any more TMW I find myself second guessing the meaning behind everything in my past relationship. Mind you, I was no angel and contributed heavily to my own demise.

 

My Ex lied, my so called friends whom I've known longer than my Ex lied to cover for her, and worst of all some lies were actually the truth and, if I had the IQ, I would have realized it at the time. I hate getting played!

[2sunny]

Leo-

 

my heart is heavy for you. i feel your pain as my marriage to - ended after 20 years and children the same age as yours.

 

i forgave him for cheating at the ten year mark and told him that if it ever happened again we wouldn't even have a conversation about it - he would be out.

 

that's the way it came down when i found out about a gal almost 3 years ago. it took 2 years to finalize the divorce which included selling property and dividing assets. i was not unfair with him. i could have been very vindictive - but that's not my style.

 

unfortunately - i drank - a lot. i drank for a variety of reasons but the primary one was a "poor me" attitude. be very careful as this can be extremely destructive to your future.

 

now, 3 years later i am happier than i have ever been (sober too) and he is as happy as he is able to be - newly remarried. he just isn't the "happy" or "satisfied" kind of person.

 

as you move forward - try to find a peace filled mind in what makes YOU happy.

[Trojan John]

Misplace her phone for a while, but make sure to switch it off or get it out of the house immediately. Last thing you want is her ringtone going off while it is in your pocket. I do not know what the model is, but most newer phones have a backup utility. However, this usually requires a USB connection to a computer and most likely the operation disc that came with the phone (could be available online as well). After the first time, you could just plug it into the computer and have it backup automatically.

It would save you the trouble of having to send each individual message to yourself.

 

There should be a way (I don't know what it's called in the US), to have all messages and phone calls -- that come to her phone -- be automatically forwarded to your phone if you share the same account info. You may want to talk to your company about that.

 

You may also wish to monitor her e-mail as well, if she has one. In Outlook, create a filter in her account that will BCC you on any message that she sends out and delete it from the SENT box. Any other program, use the mail forwarding AND delete option. The other option is a keylogger. There are several free ones available online, and even cracked premium ones available via BitTorrent if you don't want to pay for one.

 

I really hope this situation works out for the best in your favour.

[Sal Paradise]

It's refreshing to see someone in this situation (especially considering how long you two have been together) to see their spouse and their actions for what they really are this soon after finding out. You're doing the right thing. No one should put up with cheating much less the blatant disrespect this woman has shown you. You sound like a great guy with a lot to offer. Her punishment in the long run will be when she see's the wreck she has made of her life while watching you enjoy life with a woman who is better than she is (and perhaps even younger).

 

She will then realize just how bad she screwed up and that sad pathetic look on her face will be all you need to know that she paid for her choices. That she paid for ruining the life you built together (or you built for her).

[Leo822]

It's been a long 2 days since I wrote last. Here is what is going on. I spoke on the phone with my lawyer, worked a full day, met with my therapist, slept. Got up at 4:30 a.m. today and drove back to my home state and met face to face with my lawyer. I am home now and she is not here and my daughters don't know where she is. They say she hasn't been around much at all this week. I have called home twice this week and she wasn't here and didn't bother to return my calls.

 

My therapist said there was no indication from my daughters to her that my soon to be ex was messing around with the music man. She reminded me that our last session I told her home Sarah has really taken to her music lessons (what a tool I am for thinking that).

 

I will forever associate the summer solistice (june 21) as my longest day since that is when I discovered the affair. I have a great idea. I am going to break the news of my discovery and demand an divorce on the 4th of July. This will forever then be my personal independence day:lmao:

 

My lawyer and I are on the same page and we have already locked out inheratence instruments from her. This weekend I open a seperate bank account and first thing monday morning I redirect my paycheck direct deposit to that account. Then I wait for the 4th.

 

I would like some advice from my cyberangels on how to talk to my daughters about this. They are 18 and 19. Any advice from those who have done the talk with children of this age or therabouts is greatly appreciated. What did you say? How did they react? My therapist is recommending that I speak personally with them shortly before I speak with my wife so that they can here the truth from my in a calm, articulate fashion. She is worried that if I wait to after I tell my wife she will try to cloud their opinion of me. Your thoughts and comments are welcomed and truly appreciated.

 

This weekend I get the phone and watch her scramble, playing dumb the whole time.

 

Thanks again cyberangels:)

[pelicanpreacher]

It's been a long 2 days since I wrote last. Here is what is going on. I spoke on the phone with my lawyer, worked a full day, met with my therapist, slept. Got up at 4:30 a.m. today and drove back to my home state and met face to face with my lawyer. I am home now and she is not here and my daughters don't know where she is. They say she hasn't been around much at all this week. I have called home twice this week and she wasn't here and didn't bother to return my calls.

 

My therapist said there was no indication from my daughters to her that my soon to be ex was messing around with the music man. She reminded me that our last session I told her home Sarah has really taken to her music lessons (what a tool I am for thinking that).

 

I will forever associate the summer solistice (june 21) as my longest day since that is when I discovered the affair. I have a great idea. I am going to break the news of my discovery and demand an divorce on the 4th of July. This will forever then be my personal independence day:lmao:

 

My lawyer and I are on the same page and we have already locked out inheratence instruments from her. This weekend I open a seperate bank account and first thing monday morning I redirect my paycheck direct deposit to that account. Then I wait for the 4th.

 

I would like some advice from my cyberangels on how to talk to my daughters about this. They are 18 and 19. Any advice from those who have done the talk with children of this age or therabouts is greatly appreciated. What did you say? How did they react? My therapist is recommending that I speak personally with them shortly before I speak with my wife so that they can here the truth from my in a calm, articulate fashion. She is worried that if I wait to after I tell my wife she will try to cloud their opinion of me. Your thoughts and comments are welcomed and truly appreciated.

 

This weekend I get the phone and watch her scramble, playing dumb the whole time.

 

Thanks again cyberangels:)

 

I'm glad that you've secured a good attorney to represent you in this divorce for the outcome also affects your two girls to an extent. I have to agree with your therapist in taking the proactive step of speaking to your daughters prior to speaking to your wife. The fact that your daughter disclosed your wife's affair to her own therapist tells me that the betrayal bothers her and she is somehow conflicted about revealing it to you. Without betraying her therapist's confidence you must assure your daughter(s) that from here on out, no-one cows or coerces their silence ever again. Let them know that you are confident that they know right from wrong and that they can be assured that you have their back no matter what kind of circumstances they find themselves in. Then let them know that even if they had prior knowledge of their mother's affair you do not blame them for not coming forward and that you are proud of the way that they've held it together and conducted their lives under what had to be a very stressful situation. THANK THEM FOR THEIR SUPPORT AND GIVE EACH A HEARTFELT HUG TO LET THEM KNOW EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ALRIGHT BETWEEN YOU AND THEM!

[In Like Flynn]

If all the financial stuff is done by monday why play games until the 4TH?? Sit down your girls and let them know and then when your wife finishes with the music teacher and comes back home....drop the bomb!!! The girls probably know something is up and your wife probably does also.

[Leo822]

In Like Flynn,

 

You are right, it would be playing games and I probably won't wait until the 4th. It just sounds poetic to me. Nothing new here yet, she has not let her phone out of her sight. When she does it is mine.

[pelicanpreacher]

She reminded me that our last session I told her home Sarah has really taken to her music lessons (what a tool I am for thinking that).

 

Leo, could you clarify this statement?

[JessieT]

I know they've told you to talk to your children first, and I would support that but make sure it's only moments before you speak to your wife. My father told me he was leaving my mother two weeks before he told her and those two weeks still haunt me. I couldn't tell my mom, because it wasn't mine to tell, and I had to sit and be a part of something that I should never have been a part of. Just keep the time period in between short, that's all I'm asking...

[In Like Flynn]

Its amazing how waywards think that it will all work out after the divorce and they and their affair partner will be happily accepted by their families. Does she think that your daughters will be happy under the same roof as the man that destroyed their family??? Unless you have been an absent dad they will most likely hate him even if he was once one of their teachers. Time to burst her bubble.

[Screwedover]

Hi Leo,

 

Have you asked your therapist for advice on how to discuss this with your daughters? My only advice is to give them the least amount of detail possible. There is no need for you to be the one to break this sad news to them. I would suggest that you say, "Your mother was unable to stay faithful to me and I am not able to stay in this marriage. Please direct any and all questions to her. If she doesn't answer them to your satisfaction, please come back and talk to me and I will share what I know with you."

 

Easier said than done. But I would lay out the facts and try to keep emotion out of it. Even though they are basically adults (albeit very young), she will forever be their mother and it will do none of you any good for you to bad-mouth their mother. In fact, they will forever respect you for it. They will have enough trouble forming their opinions of her; do not mold their opinions other than to lay out the basic facts.

 

I say this as a child of divorce. My father was a loser and my mother did not paint that image. There was plenty of evidence. This will also gain you much respect from the girls. Maybe not now, but later as they mature and become wiser.

 

Your wife's behavior makes me wonder if she knows that you are onto her.

 

Please keep us posted and hang in there. You sound like a good guy and you deserve to find your way out of this mess with minimal damage.

[Sal Paradise]

Your wife's behavior makes me wonder if she knows that you are onto her.

 

If you're referring to her plans for the future with the OM (the house etc..), I would disagree. It's quite common for cheaters to make plans for the future (with their om/ow) while in the fog of the affair. They're not thinking logically. If they were they wouldn't have cheated to begin with.

[Screwedover]

No Sal, I am referring to this:

 

I am home now and she is not here and my daughters don't know where she is. They say she hasn't been around much at all this week. I have called home twice this week and she wasn't here and didn't bother to return my calls.

[Sal Paradise]

No Sal, I am referring to this:

 

 

Ah ok.

 

It's possible. It's also possible that it's just the erratic behavior of a spouse fully caught up in the fog of the affair.

 

I guess he'll find out soon enough.

 

If I were him though I'd do it ASAP. The longer he waits the greater chance there is to her figuring out whats going on.

[pelicanpreacher]

Leo,

 

Did you ever followup on the disclosure expressed by your daughter's therapist about the OM? I understand if that's too personal to go into here.

[81West]

In Like Flynn,

 

You are right, it would be playing games and I probably won't wait until the 4th. It just sounds poetic to me. Nothing new here yet, she has not let her phone out of her sight. When she does it is mine.

 

You could use the 1st, the Canadian version of Independance Day, and thus keep the 4th forever unmarred by any of this ugly stuff. Why let this invade your future celebrations in any way in happier times?

 

I hope you're ready for any reaction from her from panic right through relief and indifference. You've been so strong and stoic, and I'd hate to see you in any way controlled by a less than rewarding response from her. This is of course about you and your future, not about hers.

[Chrome Barracuda]

God I would love to see the look on her face when she's locked out of the accounts and cant get no money to buy the house, or wen she's legally kicked outta the house and her names not on the deed.

 

Does she really think the MM will support her gold digger a** after the divorce? surely he thinks she wont cheat on him with someone of a higher caliber.

 

When MM cheat on their wives and leave them high and dry with the kids, not one of those OW say chit. but in leo's case I hope he kicks her out and she get's zero!!!

 

If you got no loyalty to your husband or your family you deserve nothing. You sholdnt get rewarded because of your deception or lies. Fog or no fog.

 

She knows what she's doing, she just doesnt know that she's been caught yet! lol.

 

April fools is coming a little later than expected.

[Leo822]

I need some advice.

 

I am all set with my evidence and will reveal my knowledge of her affair with her music teacher this Thursday when I return home. One of the text messages I intercepted from the OM stated "I adore those monkeys. Let's add 2 wings onto our future bungalow for them. I'd make a good grandpa." This is in reference to my 2 daughters and their future children if they choose to have any. This really pisses me off. I mean who the hell does this idiot think he is. My daughters will be devastated by this and to think that they will want to live with him is vomitous. My state won't allow a civil suit against him for marital alienation. Any suggestions on what I can sue this guy for? I am bringing his ass into the divorce now through deposition request from him and his wife, but I want to hurt him further in the wallet.

 

Next item I need advice on,

 

My lawyer is telling me I have to be super cool, non emotional and definitely not physical when I speak to my soon to be ex wife when I reveal to her I know about her philandering. She is saying that if I am not, she can get a court order protection against me that would require that I leave the house. Question, How do I protect myself from her lying that I did something in order to get a court order? Can I tape the conversation?, should I have a 3rd party present? I need some swift and logical advice on this one. I have a call to my lawyer today where I will ask this question, but I would like to here what my clan in cyberspace have to say.

 

Thank you all for you calming influence throughout this. Being able to vent has been very therapeautic.

[Owl]

Have a third party present, and/or do it in a very public place. As a matter of fact...have a digital voice recorder on you when you do this...so that you're recording everything that's being said and done.

 

Bounce this idea off of your lawyer.

 

I've got to tell you...your reaction to hearing that your wife is sleeping with someone else is a definite indicator here. Most men are DEVESTATED to hear this...you're gleeful. I get the idea of looking forward to 'busting it up'...but at the same time, most men are HURT by what's happened....there's no evidence at all of this in your posts.

 

This suggests to me that your relationship has been broken a VERY long time. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy, because honestly I suspect you've been so emotionally withdrawn for so long that its likely a huge part of the problem that led up to the affair. The fact that you're only focused on the revenge aspect, and not feeling any of the emotional impact that most men deal with makes me wonder what baggage you might have brought into this marriage as well.