Dead inside at the edge of darkness

[Leo822]

Owl,

 

Thanks for the advice. I will run the digital recording idea past my lawyer. I like the idea of a public place so that I their are witnesses to her/my behavior.

 

I am not sure where you get the gleeful comment from. I am hurt by her current and long running behaviour and wish that it was different. I just started seeing a therapist in order to explore ways to re stimulate our marriage. I am not sure where you are coming from with the revenge comment. Which way am I supposed to act. Indifferrent or angry? I don't think that each person response fits into your cookie cutter image of the world.

[stampdaddy]

Leo, please hear me on this one.. OWL is NOT one of those to "give you trouble", so I want to stand up for him here.. I promise you, he was making an honest observation to you, not being critical. He is not that type. I am sure that he is aware of all the powerful emotional stages that one goes through when faced with a situation like this. I have been following your post and feeling for you, and I too have observed you preparing to face her with almost a "relief" to do so, although, I guarantee you when you do, EVERY emotion will flood over you, you just happen to be in this almost state of shock and numbness.. There is NO offense meant here, and I know none by OWL as well..

 

Take care and hang in there...

[ThumbingMyWay]

LEO

 

I understand your frustration and I understand your anger. Believe me I do and so does Owl. We have both been there and its not a fun place to be.

 

IMO, I think OWL is just playing devils advocate so to speak.

 

I know when my wife had an affair, the last thing I wanted to hear was what I did wrong in my marriage. I was in a world of emotional pain after finding out about my wifes affair and I didnt want anyone telling me what I did wrong and maybe waht I did made my wife have her affair.

 

I was like WTF....its not my fault she choose to have an affair. And it wasnt my fault, she choose this all by herself.

 

BUT....after going thru counseling and after looking into every detail of my bahavior leading up to my wifes affair. There were things that I did (or didnt do) that contributed to my wifes CHOICE of having her affair.

 

The demise of a marriage isnt always one side.....and I think that is what OWL is trying to say.

 

In no way is he saying her CHOICE to have an affair is your fault. What he is saying is, we as BS's need to reflect on our part in the marriage and what we could have done to keep the marriage on the right path.

 

 

As for revenge and exposure. Some BS's want to blow the whole thing up, some what to minimze it and keep it quite.

 

What everyway you do it is up to you.

 

OWL isnt against you brother, he is just far (4 years) into recovery and has learned alot in those years. I garantee he was just as anger as you in the first few weeks of discovery, but over time, he has reflected on things HE could have done better to prevent his marriage from encountering an affair.

[cherrymoon]

Leo,

 

I also want to stand up for owl here as I feel I understand what he is saying to you.

In no way was he being judgemental towards you.

 

My image of you (here I could be way off so forgive me) is one of a successful business man who conducts himself in a respectful manner at all times.

 

There is a calmness in your approach towards sorting out your situation, there is no real emotion or signs of in your writing (when I write I pour mine out, you remain professional and business like, that is perfectly ok).

 

We are not stupid on here and for those of us who have experienced this pain we are possible surprised by the way you have remained so dignified.

 

I suppose the revenge is what we see which in truth isn't really revenge but the way you are showing your anger and hurt.

You have been logical and monitored yourself and then clearly noted it to us as readers. So in your thread your next move is what we are seeing instead of the real hurt that you feel.

 

Owl saw this calmness as a sign that your marriage was broken long before the affair being discovered. In truth he is right if it wasn't broken an affair couldn't have happened however you didn't realise it was broken.

 

I urge you to allow owl to reply as he is as his name suggests very wise. He is a very big person with beautiful insight.

He and his wife have survived, just maybe you and yours could I don't know.

 

He truly wasn't being judgemental he was seeing things as he read them and that is ok simple say you are wrong he can accept that. I guarantee you he was not casting stones.

 

You have people that care for your happiness here don't alienate over misunderstandings, you never know who will be there with the golden answer to your problems.

 

I am following your story and hope when the pain actually hits and trust me my friend it will that you will reach out for supportwe are actually all here because our relationships have failed in some manner.

 

Stay strong

[Ms. Red]

Some people don't need to go on & on & on about their emotions. Leo has talked about his emotions & now is looking at what he can do for himself since his wife has been planning the breakup for a while. He has to move fast to try & catch up to what she has been planning behind his back. I think he made it clear about his emotions throughout this thread:

 

 

I am stunned, shocked, and hurt by this. I also feel vacant and dead inside. I am not in a rage and have not confronted her. Frankly I don't know what to do and how to react.

 

 

Thank you all! Each of your comments are the shot in the arm I need to lift my head. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. My heart races and my head is pounding from a headache. I am trying to lay quietly and clear my head.

 

When she was cooking dinner I was able to look through her cell phone text messages and was floored.

 

 

I am currently cycling through the stages of grief/change rapidly and back and forth on a daily basis. This to shall pass.

 

It's refreshing to see someone with a straight forward approach to this kind of situation. Who's to say he doesn't lose it & breakdown emotionally & just not go on & on about it.

 

Owl, I think you may have come across an exception to "the script" that your always talking about. You always state, "most people" do _____. I think Leo isn't "most people" & I find it refreshing. I know you mean well. I think you just come across as harsh sometimes to new members that don't know your style.

 

Good luck Leo & yes, you need to cover your arse when you reveal to your wife what you know. I've read on here guys that tried to be fair & when the wife realized what she would lose suddenly became an abused wife & filed phony requests for restraining orders. Then would use that as a pawn in negotiating division of assets or spousal support. I'm not sure how to protect yourself because they can make up the allegations at anytime. I hope your attorney has an answer for that. I wish you all the best & for your daughters to get through this with minimal scars as well.

[81West]

I am going to differ here and say that Owl's reply was highly innappropriate, judgemental and wildly out of context. There is nothing 'gleeful' about Leo's posts, and anger is a perfectly reasonable primary emotion in a situation like this (and a perfectly predictable consequence of HURT). Leo's choice to pursue divorce with extreme prejudice is as valid as any other possible path, our collective bent towards redemption and happy endings notwithstanding.

 

Since he has chosen the path of divorce at this time (and we'll of course be here with different support if he changes his mind) there couldn't be a more counterproductive time to ask him to reflect on his role in the dissolution of his union. That comes later when the emotionally demanding and resource heavy mechanics of this process are well begun, and he has time and energy to reflect and think about what shape he'd like his future to take.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've got to tell you...your reaction to hearing that your wife is sleeping with someone else is a definite indicator here. Most men are DEVESTATED to hear this...you're gleeful. I get the idea of looking forward to 'busting it up'...but at the same time, most men are HURT by what's happened....there's no evidence at all of this in your posts..

 

Owl, I would honestly sound much more like Leo than I would you in a similar situation. I'm just the type of person who would focus on action and consequences. I don't think that is a bad bad thing. Just different.

 

Either way... I feel that he is hurt, and that he wants things to be different, however accepts the situation as is, and wants to take action to make his future better.

 

I would bet this has been building from the time she refused to move with him. He is just now catching on.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Since he has chosen the path of divorce at this time (and we'll of course be here with different support if he changes his mind) there couldn't be a more counterproductive time to ask him to reflect on his role in the dissolution of his union. That comes later when the emotionally demanding and resource heavy mechanics of this process are well begun, and he has time and energy to reflect and think about what shape he'd like his future to take.

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

I was going to post something very similar. Leo aint ready to reflect. Leo is ready to pounce.

 

And the more I read this story the more I truely think about the situation. Given the facts of what he knows, found out and was told by other family members.....

 

honestly, I cant wait to hear the outcome.....like I said very early on in this thread...part of me wants to see his wife crumble and lose everything upon hearing Leos evidence.....

 

I am actually in suspence.....just being honest....

[81West]

Any suggestions on what I can sue this guy for? I am bringing his ass into the divorce now through deposition request from him and his wife, but I want to hurt him further in the wallet.

 

I don't know if I'll be much use to you here, but I'm gonna try anyway.

 

I'm completely anti-revenge. I find it a wrong-headed impulse that prolongs involvement with negative emotions, cedes personal power to other people or institutions in that you become dependent on their actions and reactions to perceive justice, and allows one to avoid self reflection. I mean do you really want to go forward in life tangled in litigation with your wife's lover?

 

Revenge, as they say, is a dish best served cold, and I'll extend that to say that Karma makes the best waiter. People generally end up in the long run with the level of happiness their life decisions deserve. This guy will end up where he deserves to be, wherever that is, without you lifting a finger. Spend your engergy on the guy who needs and deserves it the most: you.

[Leo822]

All,

 

Let me start by apologizing for my rant earlier. Keeping in this secret is beginning to make me a basket case and I am finding my fuse is much shorter in all situations.

 

Owl, I apologize directly to you. You are obviously a person who is highly regarded by this board and you have provided gems of wisdom and insight that has been helpful and claritive to others in the past.

 

I am at the beginning of my recovery curve and do not have the years of reflection to bolster my pride. I am aware enough to realize that any issue, problem, conflict, etc is a product of 2 or more people, opinions, viewpoints, whatever. I am not a perfect man as none of us are. My expectations are that when I speak with her on Thursday, she will point all of this out to me as she has in the past and she will blame me for her straying. It is hard for me to hear this and when I do I MUST, MUST keep my composure. Maybe in some way it is a blessing that I am reflecting on my accountability now so that when it is reiterated by her on Thursday, I will be prepared in a minor way to accept it and not react like a boy.

 

Owl, I welcome your future comments, but please reflect back to how you were so many years ago when the dagger wound was still bleeding and you found your mind and body racing between anger, revenge, defeat, acceptance and yes, glee all within minutes of each other. Someday, I to will be a good counsel, such as yourself, to the next wave of hurt souls looking for a gentle helping hand up.

 

[LakesideDream]

I don't know if I'll be much use to you here, but I'm gonna try anyway.

 

I'm completely anti-revenge. I find it a wrong-headed impulse that prolongs involvement with negative emotions, cedes personal power to other people or institutions in that you become dependent on their actions and reactions to perceive justice, and allows one to avoid self reflection. I mean do you really want to go forward in life tangled in litigation with your wife's lover?

 

Revenge, as they say, is a dish best served cold, and I'll extend that to say that Karma makes the best waiter. People generally end up in the long run with the level of happiness their life decisions deserve. This guy will end up where he deserves to be, wherever that is, without you lifting a finger. Spend your engergy on the guy who needs and deserves it the most: you.

 

 

I agree with 81west on most things. In particular I don't believe that revenge is a reasonable response. I went through a very similar breakup to the original poster. While I was very hurt, and angry.. even devistated revenge was not a part of my response to her actions (an on and off 23 year affair during a 25 year marriage).

 

I didn't resist. I did my share of crying, over the loss of everything in my life and over the waste of a precious 25 years, but little over losing her. I knew it was time.

 

Also be aware that Karma, if it exists is fickle. My ex felt no repurcussions and it's been over 7 years. Her and her affair partner are happily married, living a Ward/Joan Cleaver existance. All the heavy lifting in both her and her new husbands marriages was over. No kids to raise, no starving to pay the rent or mortgage... from there on out it is/was just cake, the happy post kids time I had worked so hard to create she is now able to enjoy.

 

Everyone handles grief in their own way. Let the OP use his way to the most comfortable landing he can have.

[stampdaddy]

All,

 

Let me start by apologizing for my rant earlier. Keeping in this secret is beginning to make me a basket case and I am finding my fuse is much shorter in all situations.

 

Owl, I apologize directly to you. You are obviously a person who is highly regarded by this board and you have provided gems of wisdom and insight that has been helpful and claritive to others in the past.

 

I am at the beginning of my recovery curve and do not have the years of reflection to bolster my pride. I am aware enough to realize that any issue, problem, conflict, etc is a product of 2 or more people, opinions, viewpoints, whatever. I am not a perfect man as none of us are. My expectations are that when I speak with her on Thursday, she will point all of this out to me as she has in the past and she will blame me for her straying. It is hard for me to hear this and when I do I MUST, MUST keep my composure. Maybe in some way it is a blessing that I am reflecting on my accountability now so that when it is reiterated by her on Thursday, I will be prepared in a minor way to accept it and not react like a boy.

 

Owl, I welcome your future comments, but please reflect back to how you were so many years ago when the dagger wound was still bleeding and you found your mind and body racing between anger, revenge, defeat, acceptance and yes, glee all within minutes of each other. Someday, I to will be a good counsel, such as yourself, to the next wave of hurt souls looking for a gentle helping hand up.

 

Very well said, Leo.... Hang in there!

[imagine]

Hey Leo

 

Just to recap:

You and wife been through some hard history.

You find out that your "good" lady -isn't.

Past evidence reveals a trend regarding her trustworthiness.

Based on your daughters maturity levels it is viable to make a clean break.

You are reconciled to the consequences of this divorce.

 

All considered - now moving on:

 

Any chance that you could swipe some of your wifes soiled panties for future DNA testing.

It sounds like you have a solid case -but it pays to be thorough.

Even if this is not legal evidence in your country it can possibly be used as a scare tactic.

 

I would also have written a letter to the school board suggesting that having one of their staff members cavort with your wife while you are away providing for your families livelihood could be construed as unprofessional behavior and a disgrace to their institution. Excerpts from your wife's communication may have to be revealed to persuade the school to take action. Consult with your lawyers first.

 

Incidentally, this is not vindictive. The school has a right to know what their teachers get up to during company hours.

 

I tend to agree that when confrontation comes down, you will need to keep self control. I'll bet that she is going to try rewrite history and make out like it's all your fault. Ignore it.

Lastly, regardless of what comments are made, wise/unwise, we are all rooting for you like you are the home team! God bless.

[cherrymoon]

Leo,

Don't be hard on yourself nor take it as a beating that some of us stood up for owl.

 

You really need to look after yourself as this will hit you hard when the dust has settled.

 

You have made a great story (i mean that with huge respect and compasion for your situation) People are intrigued by your composed nature and the thrill of wat is about to come. Ge a diary and start writing you could be the next best seller.

 

Being serious, have you got a close network of friends and /or family to support you?

 

It will be hard to keep your cool so be very prepared in what you are going to say.

 

I did have to get a protection order it was so sad and believe me I needed it, I have a friend who caught his wife in the act, she denies it still and has had him arrested she has said he is a danger to their child etc. He reacted exactly the same as you.

Be prepared, maybe ask your daughters to remain in the house that way you have a reason to keep cool and also witnesses.

 

Sadly you just don't know how this will playout.

Is there truely no hope of you two sorting this out?

[GreenX]

Leo,

Being serious, have you got a close network of friends and /or family to support you?

I'm sure he does, but, does he feel he can trust them enough? They are the ones who for all of these years withheld very important information about his wifes behavior with their husbands.

 

Is there truely no hope of you two sorting this out?

Why in the world would he want to stay together with her? She is planning on getting a home with the OM and take her daughters with her.

 

Regardless of her reasons for being unfaithful to her husband for all of these years, and honestly who knows what else she has done that hasn't come out yet (i.e., before her pouncing the brother-in-law's.).

 

Leo, I pray that you can get through this entire situation in one piece. Right now you have yourself mapped out with your plans and your expectations. I hope that once things begin to unfold that you can remain to hold your composure and that you will be able to move on not long after with minimal scarring. What your wife has done to you and to your children is sickening.

 

Also: You asked about sueing the music teacher. I am not sure about laws and what not when it comes to this but iirc he is married too? (I have to thumb through and find that). If he is then I wouldn't worry too much about hurting his wallet.. his soon to be ex wife will do a fine job at that (imo).

 

*hugs*

[Owl]

Leo, apology accepted. I'll temper my advice. I may have misread or misinterpreted some of what I saw in your thread and so overreacted to it...I apologize for my response as well.

 

I what you're going through...I've been there too. My first take on 'revenge' was far, far worse than what you're considering. However, I quickly realized that taking any action other than what was directly tied to my GOALS was useless, even counter-productive.

 

If your goal is divorce...then focus on getting what you want out of the divorce.

 

If your goal is reconciliation, then your actions should be aimed towards that goal.

 

I totally understand that you're hurt...trust me. I'm ex-military, a combat vet. I've been places and done things I don't ever want to go back to...I've suffered PTSD twice in my life. The second time was due to my wife's choice to have an affair. Luckily, I recognized it for what it was and dealt with it.

 

I'm going to simply suggest that you clearly define what your "goal" is in your mind right now...and then think about all your actions moving forward and how they'll either help or hinder that goal. If they help, good. If they hinder, don't do them. If they do neither, ask yourself what the benifit of doing them is when you might otherwise use that effort to work towards your goal.

 

Just my recommendation.

[Leo822]

All,

 

Yesterday was a rough one for me emotionally. Your words of reality (thank you Owl) and encouragement are warming bandages on my wounded psyche. They prop me up when I am staring blankly at my future and they force me to prepare and confront my subconcious fears of culpability in this sordid matter.

 

Yesterday, I heard a christmas song (Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas) on the radio associated with an advertisement and for the first time cried since I discovered the affair. The warmth of the holiday season with its good cheer and familial love will be radically different from the ones I have enjoyed over the course of our marriage. Hearing this song flooded me with emotions from sadness to panic and I started to cry. Not lose control of the car sobbing, but a deep pain that consumed my entire body. After minutes that felt like hours I settled down and kept moving on. I felt a calm after I cried that felt almost spiritual. A steely core strength radiated outward from me that said "you are a survivor and this too shall pass".

 

A part of the saga that is my life that I haven't shared is my current living situation while I am in NY state working. I was renting a house until this spring, when I moved out and moved in with my brother in law, whose wife left him after she had an affair. He is a struggling contractor whose divorce has left him in tough financial shape. At my soon to be wife's suggestion, I moved in with him to help him pay the bills and my benefit was a more social life instead of living alone during the week like a hermit. I get along with him famously and always have. We have similar interest, moral codes, and sense of humor. He and I golf frequently together and we can make each other laugh until our sides hurt. He's one of the good guys and someone I consider a friend. Today I am moving out his house on the pretense that my parents who live in the same town asked me to move in with them because there has been a robbery in their neighborhood and they are scared. This is obviously a made up story. I cannot confide in him yet why I am moving out for fear that he will call his sister/my wife and tell her that I know what she has been up to. Tomorrow, I will confront my wife and it will be in the open to her family.

 

Every Tuesday evening, he, my other brother in law and his girlfriend gather to play cards and laugh. We have doing this for 3 years now and last night was the last one I will ever attend. I am making an assumption, but when a marriage is divorced, you also divorce the other family as well. The talk at the table last night was about when they would all be coming to my house in NH in August for our annual week long family poolside vacation. This has been a ritual since my daughters and their kids have been small. It was hard to not say anything but I didn't. I just smiled and told them how excited I was for them to come. In reality it will never happen again. The lines will be drawn and I will not enjoy their company ever again. This saddens me to no end. My wifes brothers are intelligent and funny guys whose companionship will be missed.

 

I have other friends in my home town who I have strong relationships with and will be able to find solace and guidance from.

 

There will be no reconciliation with my wife. She has betrayed a core bond with me. If this was literally a one night drunken thing, I may have considered trying to pick up the pieces with alot of therapy and reparations on her part. This is a long term love affair with professions of love and lust and building a future together. She has give her body, soul, mind, and heart to the music man. I will not try to dig through that pile of dung. She has committed to someone else and that is a wounding that is deep and accurate. It laid bare our marriage and it cannot be rebuilt.

 

Today is moving day in the morning, golf in the afternoon with my dad to clear my head and tomorrow is reveal day.

 

Wish me luck cyberangels..

[Owl]

Good luck to you.

 

I do give you credit...many people 'waffle' over their goals a lot shortly after d-day.

 

You've made up your mind quickly and decisively. That's a GOOD thing.

 

Your goal is divorce. I don't have much experience with it (not done it myself), but can absolutely understand and agree with that as a choice after a spouse's affair.

 

Then make sure that anything you do aligns with that goal. Letting your wife know that you're aware of the situation should be done in a fashion your lawyer fully supports and feels will support your cause. Find out all you can about your legal rights. Find out what your options are, find out what you can expect to happen out of the whole situation.

 

Make sure every step you take at this point is geared towards getting what you want out of the situation.

 

Hang in there...stay focused.

 

Also...realize that most people go through some tremendous mood swings as a result of the kind of stuff you're going through...be prepared for them. Consider talking with your doctor about the situation, see what he recommends. Working out, running, etc...all of that is a great way to deal with the stress you're going through. Consider a 'life change' and enroll in a gym, martial arts, etc...

 

Eat. Many people simply CAN'T eat after d-day. I lost 26lbs in three weeks. Not good for the body.

 

Sleep. Another toughie for most. Wear yourself out with excersise, and that should help a lot.

 

Just some suggestions.

[Ms. Red]

 

 

I am making an assumption, but when a marriage is divorced, you also divorce the other family as well. The talk at the table last night was about when they would all be coming to my house in NH in August for our annual week long family poolside vacation. This has been a ritual since my daughters and their kids have been small. It was hard to not say anything but I didn't. I just smiled and told them how excited I was for them to come. In reality it will never happen again. The lines will be drawn and I will not enjoy their company ever again. This saddens me to no end. My wife's brothers are intelligent and funny guys whose companionship will be missed.

 

 

Wish me luck cyberangels..

 

 

Yes you are making assumptions. I had a boyfriend I lived with in my 20's that I met when I was 13. We didn't become a couple & move in together until I was 19. But when we broke up 8 years later I continued to be part of the family. I attend weddings, funerals & other family events. They consider me a part of the family still today & I am now 42.

 

One thing that makes it easier is the fact that my X moved to another state. But I believe just because you separate doesn't mean you have to sever ties with all the in-laws. My STBXH's family is a big support to me now & I will continue to be a part of the family with them when my divorce is final.

 

Sorry about the pain you are feeling in all of this. I did wonder if it would hit you like a rock when you least expected it. Sounds as if it did. A good cry is a great release. It's much better than punching walls or people. Hang in there & know we are all here to support you through your many feeling you will go through. [[[[HUGS]]]]

[cherrymoon]

Divorce is exactly that, the whole family get divided, however (I hate sounding like a know all) If you tread carefully and remain so dignified, her family will remain your friends.

 

A little of my story if I may>

 

My family adored my Husband, My siblings were jealous (their words) of what we had and how we were together. however to a point what they saw was the truth, I adored him he adored me and we laughed our socks off and he is a fantastic father. The rest is what I wanted them to see.

 

The truth was that he was at times the cruelest and verbally abusive man. He took me for granted, I kept the family going, I did it all with out any acknowledgement, his mother was his main priority after his kids and she is an evil vengeful woman.

He repeatedly hurt me and let me down and I had lost my confidence and self esteem. We never fought because it was too dangerous for me.

However he did bring lots of joy to my life too. Loving someone shouldn't hurt.

 

After alot of bad things happened, a house move (really long story but a house move that shocks people) and sickness, I lost confidence in my husband. I fell into severe depression and was living on my nerves. I spoke to my Husband many many times and he buried his head. I stupidly ended up having an affair. (sorry long winded as usual)

 

My family were furious and all except my mother sided with him, I was scum in their eyes, I was told what a useless mother I was. This went on until they saw his behaviour and how he decided to punish me, his wrath was like nothing I could have imagined and I did have to get police involved.

My Brother a few weeks ago came to see me and apologised that he had judged me so badly and that he now sees what life was like for me. He and no one will justify my affair myself included.

 

If you love her family and would like them to remain in your life then all you have to do is refrain from losing your temper remain above reproach and she will lose them.

 

If they see you as the great guy you are then that can't change and she will hurt more by having them support you.

 

I could be wrong but that is how I see it.

Keep talking, I am so sorry for your pain.

 

After everything My Husband and I are trying again we were seperated 18months. stranger things happen I guess:rolleyes:

[81West]

Leo, these events that will get underway in earnest tomorrow need not lay waste to your life as you know it. There will be a huge initial upheaval and some unknown number of smaller aftershocks, but the landscape can still be recognizable. I hope you'll give the relationships you've developed over the years with the people who ARE your family a chance to survive through this transition.

 

You share a familial bond through your children and a bond of friendship through your shared experiences, and your brother in law may wish you had allowed him to express his empathy, support and ongoing friendship through an unchanged living arrangement for a while. Unless it's emotionally stressful or legally inadvisable for you to maintain some of these ties at this time don't unilaterally make the decisions for everybody. You'll all be looking to each other for queues on how to feel and how to respond, and you've kind of just given your brother in law a message you may not have intended by ditching him so abruptly.

 

All I'm saying is that I hope you'll give the people in your life a chance to love and support you. They may choose not to, but they should at least perceive a choice.

 

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

[Owl]

Another thought...sit your daughters down and talk with them BEFORE you talk with your wife. Ensure that they're not going to run straight to mom when you do...explain to them that its critical that YOU be the one to confront her about the whole situation.

 

I suggest this because most wayward spouses will immediately start damage control as soon as they're "busted". She'll deny, she'll spin the story to make her look good, she'll accuse YOU of things...anything to avoid allowing the blame to fall on her.

 

Be prepared for this. Give your daughters the "proof" that you have, but again, make sure that you have their agreemant that they're going to wait and let YOU handle things.

 

I did things a little differently in my own situation, but that's because my kids were younger (but still in their teens) and living at home. I made my wife tell them what's going on. But in my case, there was no way my wife could have done any damage control...I had the full blown, whole story on her.

[Leo822]

It's early on the 3rd and I am about to get on the road for the long drive back to NH and the start of a new life. I slept terribly last night and now have a stomach ache. Not sure if it's nerves or the pulled pork sandwich I had for dinner last night.

 

My intentions when I get home is to collect me daughters and let them know the situation. I will then ask my wife to meet me in town at the local coffee shop where I will reveal that I know about her lover. I will write back after the deed is done.

 

Wish me luck and Happy Independence Day:sick:

[Ms. Red]

Good luck Leo. I hope it goes as best it can. Just think of all of us here at LS standing beside you as you confront your wife. You are not alone.

[sfsassy]

It's early on the 3rd and I am about to get on the road for the long drive back to NH and the start of a new life. I slept terribly last night and now have a stomach ache. Not sure if it's nerves or the pulled pork sandwich I had for dinner last night.

 

My intentions when I get home is to collect me daughters and let them know the situation. I will then ask my wife to meet me in town at the local coffee shop where I will reveal that I know about her lover. I will write back after the deed is done.

 

Wish me luck and Happy Independence Day:sick:

 

I haven't written on this thread, because I never thought I had anything to offer, but have been following your story. I just wanted to say GOOD Luck. I think you have a great head on your shoulder. Make sure that your daughters know how much you love them, and that you know, no matter what, they will have your support to have a relationship with your STBXW. Also stay cool, calm and collected.