Dead inside at the edge of darkness

[81West]

I know I can't go back. I am not the type who can forgive her spreading her legs for another man and feel any desire for her in the future. I know others can but I can't. Maybe it's my ego, but if I am not the only one she wants then she is not for me.

 

More news, In speaking with one of my sisters this morning. It turns out that this is not my soon to be ex's first fling. The shocking thing is that my wife has physically hit on all of my sister's boyfriends and both of my other 2 sisters husbands. All of them involved her throwing herself on them, kissing them and groping their crotch. They withheld this info from me to protect me? Not sure that was the best choice on their part, but in hindsight I wouldn't have acted in order to stay and raise my daughters. I am going to ask for a leave of absence today from work to get through this and get my life in order.

 

Wow. If that's been reported to you accurately that's some pretty compulsive and dysfunctional behaviour.

 

It's always striking how lives get flipped upside down in an instant no matter how many of these stories one reads. Anway, you seem to be doing very well all things considered and taking all the right steps. Having your family behind you will be a big support.

[Untouchable_Fire]

But, like one posters said here, there is a good chance this affair will not last. Do you really think she has found true love or do you think it is possible she looked outside the marriage for needs that weren't being met? Perhaps this does not matter to you one way or another at this point. But just something to consider if you still love her and/or if there is even the slightest desire left in you to salvage your marriage.

 

Taylor, I hate to say it, but I don't think it's good for you to follow this thread based on your personal history.

 

As a general rule we men don't forgive. We simply try to bury and forget. This is more than likely the case in your situation as well. So, don't follow this one. Leo is going to speak truths you don't need to hear.

 

I know I can't go back. I am not the type who can forgive her spreading her legs for another man and feel any desire for her in the future. I know others can but I can't. Maybe it's my ego, but if I am not the only one she wants then she is not for me.

 

I would not call it ego, or pride. I would call it self esteem, and self value. You know that you deserve better than that, and your not afraid to go after it.

 

Some guys have a Hosea Complex and continually try to redeem thier wives. Thats fine, but I think most of us would be better served to not make martyrs of ourselves.

 

Your own sisters kept you in the dark??? More than that... your wife had guts to throw herself at your sisters BF and think you would not find out???

 

Divorce is the best option for you friend. Pursue it with vigor and intensity.

[bish]

I am 47 years old and have been married to my wife for 21 years. We have 2 daughters, 18 & 19. I just found out this morning she is having an affair with her music teacher who also teaches my daughters music. Her sudden interest in late night email sessions peaked my interest, so I did some snooping and found emails of passion that they are exchanging. I am stunned, shocked, and hurt by this. I also feel vacant and dead inside. I am not in a rage and have not confronted her.

 

Well, keep collecting the evidence before you confront her so she can't weasel her way out of it.

 

 

Frankly I don't know what to do and how to react.

 

Neither did I. Thats what being in shock does to a person. But after the shock was over, I could start thinking clearly. And then I did become angry and eventually divorced her.

 

 

My job didn't transfer me back to our old hometown as promised and my wife and daughter's refused to transfer to the town where my next job was. Instead of putting my foot down and demanding they move with me, I gave into their desire to return to our old hometown so they could finish high school with their life long friends.

 

Ya, look where that got you. You sacrifice and get crapped all over. I hope you divorce her and find someone not selfish.

 

 

I agreed to travel back and forth on weekends from my job to where they live. It is a 6 hour drive each way and I have been doing it for 3 years now. My youngest just graduated from HS and the plan was for my wife to now relocate to the town where my job is since both daughters are now away at college.

 

Well now that the kids are out of the house, you have no excuse to stay with her. I'd file for divorce if I were you. That is unless you are happy married to a cheater.

 

 

At the same time this was going on in our lives, my wife's brother marriage dissolved. His wife had an affair behind his back and he threw her out of the house.

 

Maybe you should talk to the brother and ask him if you should kick his sister out of the house for doing the same thing as his wife. Or, before confronting your wife, you can sneak the conversation in and ask her, "was your brother right to kick his wife out for cheating on him?"

 

If she agrees her brother was right, then you can then confront her and ask if she still feels the same way. If she was in agreement with what her brother did, then she should have no problem leaving the house.

 

 

He said that he could never forgive her and her actions were indefensible.

 

He is correct.

 

 

My wife and her family rallied to his defense.

 

And then your wife does what his wife did. Amazing, truly amazing.

 

 

The scorned his ex wife as a whore with no dignity.

 

You think they'll think the same of their sister and daughter? If ever brought up with the family, you might remind them of how they painted his wife for doing the same thing your wife is doing.

 

 

They spewed how terrible she is. To this day my wife will mention how mean and awful it was of her to have an affair behind his back.

 

Well you can remind her of her own words when you finally do confront her.

 

 

My wife feels that her brother's ex wife should have left her husband before starting up with another man, She says that if she truly loved and respected her brother she would have been more honorable in how she ended the marriage. Yet, she has done the same thing to me.

 

Yup, your wife is a cheater, liar, and a hypocrite. What a woman!

 

All kidding aside my brother, I understand it all and do encourage you to divorce her.

 

 

Any and all advice is dearly welcomed by this man on the edge of darkness.

 

Only way to rid yourself of the pain from betrayal is to get rid of the betrayer. Trust me, you will not be able to go on the rest of your life and not look at her with disgust from time to time. That is no life.

 

For your own sake, get a divorce. Leave your tramp of a wife to her music teacher. Let her be his problem, not yours.

[Leo822]

Taylor,

 

It is not a matter of absolutes in my soon to be ex marriage. We were not filled with passion nor were we lifeless drones circling each other in a swirl of apathy. We cycled between periods of just living and moments of passion and tenderness. At times we existed in monotany, with basic day to day living. We would acknowledge the rut and take actions to allieviate it. We took time to ourselves to be together alone without the kids, dinner, movies, walks on the beach, whatever. We took vacations alone without the kids (Florida, South Carolina, the Kentucky Derby) and had genuine happiness and love. No absolutes, just what I thought was the roller coaster of life.

 

I have been traveling between weekends for 3 years now to provide for my family due to a long term employment relationship that has given us a lifestyle of comfort and security. Financial reality could not allow me to just abandon it because of my fraternal obligations as a provider and head of the household. My wife chose to not follow me and sided with the kids. I didn't put up to much of a fuss because I thought it could be manageable. I put myself in the frame of mind that my job was like a long haul trucker or a traveling salesman. I would arrange my schedule so that I would be home 3 days/4 nights a week. If I knew it would lead to her having an affair, I would have considered different employment, but we made the best of a difficult situation until she decided that her music teacher was the long lost love from another life who she can not be without (her words in a text message to him). I live in the here and now and don't dwell on missed opportunities or search for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that doesn't exist. She has chosen to try and find shangri la. It doesn't exists and she and the music man will find out in time. I for one will soldier on, loving and providing for my daughters. I will be happy and I will not look back. I hope she finds what she is looking for.

[LakesideDream]

Leo, I feel very badly for you! A few years back, I was one of the few here with a 20+ years of marriage who broke it up with a long term, unfaithful wife. Things have changed since. It seems like 20-30 year marriages are going up in smoke everywhere.

 

When D-day came for me, and the truth began coming out, I lost all romantic feeling for my now ex. I could not feel "the feelings" anymore, not after living with the mental images of her being penetrated, fellating, and otherwise giving her body to another man over the length of our marriage, actually counting little affairs numerous men. Luckily like you, my children were already adults, and the impact on them was minimal.

 

I still loved her in other ways, as a companion, a mother. I even believed at the time (7+ years ago) that I always would. I was wrong. Those feelings have faded over the insuing years, I don't even feel them anymore. Only occasionally do I catch myself in a nostalgic mood.

 

We had experianced problems a couple of years before. A typical "need space" exclaimation, followed by round with 5 councilors (she fired them all), and a recanting on her part (her LT BF was not in a position to leave his marriage yet). All of which came out after the eventual D-day 2 years later.

 

We even moved to another state to re-kindle our marriage (or so I thought, her BF lived in the new city part time). That year was actually one of the very best of our marriage. Not a single argument in a year. Fantastic romance and sex, and lots of fun. You see, she had "checked out" emotionally, and was just having a good time, waiting for her BF to settle his marriage. In the end she jumped the gun and made their decisions for him.

 

You have lots of friends, and friendly ears here. Some of us have lived through very similar situations to the one you have, and are now out the other side, ready for happiness if we can find it. Don't give up hope, or sink to far into depressions. No matter how bad it feels now, it isn't as bad as it seems to you.

 

Good Luck, and post when you need to. There are lots of friendly souls here to help.

[backto1]

Leo,

 

Just wanted to say that you are an inspiration. I thought I had it bad breaking up with my girlfriend until I read what you're going through. Your posts are articulate, calm and full of logic. You're also a tough son of a bitch.

 

Thank you for writing about this. Keep up the good work.

[taylor]

Leo,

 

Thank you for taking time to answer the questions I posed earlier regarding your marriage. Your answers were truly honest and heartfelt.

 

Please do not think for one minute that I had taken any sides in this matter. Like I said, this decision is yours to make. My only concern was that your decision came so quickly after D-Day while emotions, I am sure, were running at their peak. I have made many decisions in my lifetime based solely on emotions. Most of them I have lived to regret.

 

File for divorce if that is what your heart and head say to do. There will be a period of time to do alot of thinking and emotional configuration before the divorce is final.

 

I know you are hurting. I remember well how hurt my mother was when she caught my father cheating. I was a teenager. It was a life-altering event for everyone in the family.

 

I will pray that you, as well as your children, find strength to get through this difficult time.

[Infinity888]

More news, In speaking with one of my sisters this morning. It turns out that this is not my soon to be ex's first fling. The shocking thing is that my wife has physically hit on all of my sister's boyfriends and both of my other 2 sisters husbands. All of them involved her throwing herself on them, kissing them and groping their crotch. They withheld this info from me to protect me? Not sure that was the best choice on their part, but in hindsight I wouldn't have acted in order to stay and raise my daughters. I am going to ask for a leave of absence today from work to get through this and get my life in order.

 

I find it disturbing that your own sisters withheld this information from you. Those guys could have been some other men who have STDs and possibly HIV and you will get that too. Speaking of that, it doesn't seem like this music teacher is her first or last fling. Have you got yourself tested?

 

 

What were your sisters thinking? I totally understand if it's a just a co-worker who doesn't want to get involved, but family members witholding these information is just cruel and unconscionable.

 

If I found out that my sibling's significant other is cheating, other than physically putting a gun on my head to stop me, there is virtually nothing out there that would stop me from telling. Is ANYONE, who's rational, moral, and reasonable (I don't even think one needs those "qualities" in cases like this), out there disagreeing with me on this?

[Screwedover]

I don't necessarily disagree with you, Infinity, but I don't this is something Leo needs to give a lot of thought and energy to at this moment. I think he has enough crap on his plate, sadly.

[taylor]

I don't necessarily disagree with you, Infinity, but I don't this is something Leo needs to give a lot of thought and energy to at this moment. I think he has enough crap on his plate, sadly.

 

 

I agree Leo has ALOT on his plate, but I disagree that he should brush these incidents under the carpet.

 

If Leo's sisters are telling the truth, it means Leo's wife cheated on him with at least 5 men, not just the music man.

 

If I were Leo, I would want to know the details regarding these incidents.

 

How long ago were these incidents? A year ago, 2, 5, 10 years ago? Apparently, the marital problems were more far-reaching than Leo had ever imagined.

 

I would also question the integrity of Leo's sisters' husbands and boyfriends. Leo said, "All of them (incidents) involved her throwing herself on them, kissing them, and groping their crotch." People don't just get "kissed and groped" without putting themselves in a position to be "kissed and groped." All 4 of these men allowed themselves to be kissed and groped. They are just as guilty of infidelity as Leo's wife, with respect to these incidents. I would think Leo would have issue with these OM as well.

 

So, the way I see it, Leo has a brother and 3 sisters who have all been cheated on by their SO. Now Leo can add himself to the list of family members who have been betrayed. Sad.

[taylor]

Taylor, I hate to say it, but I don't think it's good for you to follow this thread based on your personal history.

 

As a general rule we men don't forgive. We simply try to bury and forget. This is more than likely the case in your situation as well. So, don't follow this one. Leo is going to speak truths you don't need to hear.

 

 

No need to be concerned, UF. I am a big girl. I can handle the truth.

 

No one implied Leo should forgive. My only suggestion was that he make decisions based on thought, rather than emotion.

 

And, from what I gather on this forum, most men don't forgive. Neither do they bury or forget. They allow the pain to eat them up inside and turn them into bitter, cynical human beings.

 

Please don't presume you know my situation well enough to know what the outcome will be. Only God knows that.

[taylor]

So, the way I see it, Leo has a brother and 3 sisters who have all been cheated on by their SO. Now Leo can add himself to the list of family members who have been betrayed. Sad.

 

 

Correction: Brother-in-law

[Leo822]

I have contacted a lawyer this morning after much triangulation with friends, family and such. She is a female with a good reputation in the state for being fair but tough. I am not looking for a scorched earth policy. I will be fair in the distribution of assets but I won't roll over and spread my legs in submission either. I just want the soon to be ex to move on down the line. She may not realize it now but she has set herself up for a less than pleasant future. She could have had it all as she moved into the 2nd half of her life. Now she will find out why people are complaining about the economy. Now, she will enjoy the pleasure of dragging her ass out of bed on a wet, cold monday morning to go to a job she doesn't like. Now she can stand at the gas pump and watch the dollars roll by and realize that her entire day's pay just went into the tank. Now she can buy ramen's and tuna in oil instead of going out to dinner because that is all she can afford. I actually feel sad for her.

 

As far as my sisters and brother's in law go. I don't have the energy to dig up those ghosts yet. They have told me they were protecting me and the girls. They told me that their was no sex and that they rebuked her advances. I believe them. They also told me that they believe based upon her behavior with them that she has 100% cheated on me repeatedly in the past. I have just recently had a physical with blood work and was not alerted to STD's. I am wondering if I need to have a specific screen for STD's? I have no symptons of anything.

 

My parents are worried that she will try and turn my girls against me. If she does, it will be her loss in the long run. My girls are smart and have often spoken to me about why mom is so strange in her behavior at times. She will lose the girls if you goes this route. When you bad mouth a partner to their children, you are in fact bad mouthing the children as well since they are genetically made up of both parents.

 

I will write back after I speak with the lawyer. It has been 5 days (june 21) since I found out. She doesnt' know I know and I am dying to expose this to her. The summer solistice which is the longest day of sunlight will have a new meaning for me forever more.

[In Like Flynn]

It takes some "STONES" to hit on a spouses siblings husband/boyfriend and expect to get a way from it. Please make sure the school knows about his behavior!! Don't let him get away with it, even though it sounds like your wife is the agressor. I think there are two great ways for her to find out.....1. call the school which then brings in the OM who then calls the wife. (The trickle down approach is always fun to watch) and 2. Have them serve the wife at work in front of co-workers....filed for adultery. Good Luck.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I am very interested in the outcome of this situation

 

 

not that I like to wallow in others misery, but Leo's wife is in for a huge wakeup call. And I have to admit, I am anxiously waiting the fallout.

 

 

I think I still have buried resentment inside me for what my wife did to me, and I think sometimes I project that onto people like Leo's wife. A part of me wants to see her whole affair life come crumbling down and left with nothing.

 

I feel bad to thinking this way, but theres a part of me that wants to see cheaters pay in spades...

[Owl]

I can understand how you feel, TMW. But there's no good to come out of it.

 

Leo is more than justified in getting a divorce. But sticking around with the sole intention of 'busting' them and hurting her back is NOT going to help the outcome of ANYTHING.

 

Hurt her in the pocketbook during the divorce...but don't wait on it so that you can exact some revenge.

[pelicanpreacher]

Leo,

 

I'm sorry you found out as much as you have about your wife's transgressions. You do need to sit down with your daughters and have a frank discussion about what they were aware of during the course of your wife's affair. Try not to be judgemental if you find out their silence was coerced out of duress but, intead, let them know that, come what may, you're still there for them and that no-one can cow them into lying to you or use them to cover their actions against you again.

 

As for the "scorched earth" campaign, I mainly see that tactic as a "shoot for the moon...you'll still end up amongst the stars" type of strategy.

I guarantee you that shooting for fair and equitable will get you dragged to the monkey house to moon the baboons! You'll end up returning to LS singing a strange rendition of "I'm in the mood for love" all because being a nice guy in a divorce action gurantees that you'll come out screwed, blued, and tattooed.

[smoothrider]

I can not wait til you get to tell your wife that you know and it's over.

This ****ing bitch will finally wake up. Let's see if this musical knight in shining armor can step up to the plate , doubtful.

 

Well Just make sure you come back here and tell us how it goes. Don't fall for any crocodile tears.. the tears will be because she wont be getting the bulk of your money anymore and just a settlement.

 

She's a real piece of work. This brings up another point I reallllly hate people who won't mention when they've seen your spouse doing something questionable "oh it's not our business" "I don't want to break up a family" oh that's fine.. let's just watch someone waste the best years of their life.

 

If your too damn scared to man/woman-up and tell this person theyre being betrayed atleast right an anonymous note in postal mail or something. You know what I'd take it into consideration because I don't know about you but I don't get anonymous mail (an email wouldn't work could easily be marked as spam yarda yarda more likely to be taken as a joke). I could give a damn about being a "snitch" not if it will free a person forget the damn kids people.

 

If I was your inlaw I would of told you right away sorry they had to enlighten you so late when it's pointless.

 

My girlfriends brother recently got cheated on like you he was working away 3days out of the week but the money and lifestyle they were living was insane and their 3 yr old is living the life. What does she do? she's been having a relationship with a gym instructor for the past 2 yrs whenever he's away. Then when he finds out she leaves him with the daughter. She comes back a month later because he "treated her bad and wouldn't accept her daughter " *rolls eyes* I feel sorry for my brother inlaw because he took her back mostly for his daughter but just having dinner with them I could tell he doesn't respect her and is treating her like ****.

 

Anyway I'm just saying, Im glad your taking this route as you'll only resent your wife. There are some people on here weak people I say too scared to be alone and forget there's other people out there who will take back a cheating partner. I personally couldn't I would forever see her in my mind being fuc*ed , sucking his co*k with no regrets in the world until she got found out and her bubble bursts.

 

I have partial respect for those cheaters who fess up right away in some cases you can forgive those. Just remember though your wife is not one of those exceptions. She's betrayed you, Proclaims another man as the love of her life hmm if I thought I met someone who was the love of my life (present partner therefore being the wrong choice) I would have the balls or ovaries to break up with my partner in a civil manner child or no child (it can be done) I don't continue to leech off my partners $$$ all and having eating my cake. Just be glad the music teacher didn't go after your daughter or I'm sure they'd be murder. How highly unprofessional.

 

GOD I'm so upset for you. I will suggest one thing though, change your job when you find that new partner really as someone said you only need enough to get by all those men out there who have to travel few days out the week it almost always turns out their wifes are cheating it's the perfect breeding ground I blame male dominated western society and the way girls are treated from a young age compared to boys.

[smoothrider]

As for the "scorched earth" campaign, I mainly see that tactic as a "shoot for the moon...you'll still end up amongst the stars" type of strategy.

I guarantee you that shooting for fair and equitable will get you dragged to the monkey house to moon the baboons! You'll end up returning to LS singing a strange rendition of "I'm in the mood for love" all because being a nice guy in a divorce action gurantees that you'll come out screwed, blued, and tattooed.

 

 

Can't agree more with this. Leo your going to have to be a balls of steel bastard during this divorce. I can just tell your wife is going to try and destroy and take everything you worked hard for, and it's going to start with the children as backup then material assets.

[Leo822]

 

I have my first phone call with my lawyer in 5 minutes. Yesterday she was making sure that there was no conflict of interest in representing me. None. Let the games begin.

 

I also spoke with my daughter's therapist yesterday to see if I could meet with her so she could give me some advice. I broke down the story for her without mentioning who the OM was. Her first question to me was.....Is the OM the music teacher? OMG, why did she ask me that? I meet with her tonight and will probe this deeply.

 

I'll write back this evening. Sometimes I feel like Maximus in the gladiator ring, "Are you not entertained!!!???" I truly appreciate the help and advice you have all been sending my way. You all are my cyberangels. God Bless you.

[ThumbingMyWay]

 

I also spoke with my daughter's therapist yesterday to see if I could meet with her so she could give me some advice. I broke down the story for her without mentioning who the OM was. Her first question to me was.....Is the OM the music teacher? OMG, why did she ask me that? I meet with her tonight and will probe this deeply.

 

 

Leo

 

this is all still fresh to you, but just so you know you will go through the 5 stages of Grief. Look them up, you wont go in order, but you will feel all of them, some may last longer that others, some may happen twice.

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

 

I have a feeling, given the quote above, that anger will set in very soon. The reason being, your childs threapist already read the signs from converstaions with your wife and she knew who the OM was without you even saying the name. Once you meet with her and get more info, I have a feeling you will feel duped, conived, decieted. Heck, just knowing that your family members knew your wife was doing shady things would make me angry. These alone will open up huge feelings of anger. All I am saying is, get a handle on it and try to manage it the best you can.

 

Be careful please, the one thing I learned in MC was to never make a decision out of anger or frustration. Tread lightly, but keep your convictions.

 

I highley suggest you ask your childs therapist to refer you to you own individual counsler, one who specializes in marriage counseling or betrayal. Maybe an MC wont help save your marriage since you already made your decision, but they at least will know how to help you deal with the aftermath of D-day.

 

And sa someone stated above. Once the cat is let out of the bag.....I bet this music teacher will run to the hills. And your wife will be left with NOTHING and she WILL try to come back to you. That is when you must keep your convictions. You will sway, you will doubt, but keep your head clear and do what is best for YOU and your daughter.

 

I wish you the best

[Screwedover]

Leo,

 

Again, I wish you the best of luck with this mess. Just don't be surprised if you find yourself wavering on what to do. She may get down on her knees and beg you to stay with her, she may commit to doing whatever it takes to fix herself, etc., and you might start to have second thoughts. Unlike others here, I'm not going to tell you to forge thru that and tell her to screw off. I'm not telling you to take her back, either. But don't beat yourself up if you find yourself considering reconciliation at some point. I know that seems impossible at this point bc you are furious. (Plus I think it is REALLY HARD for men to get past the fact that their wives have committed sex acts with other men.)

 

Like I said, I know this seems impossible to you. But I have a friend who found out her husband has been unfaithful to her the entire time they have been dating and were married. Not only that but he has had three different women on the hook at all times. Two of them even left their husbands for him; he led them to believe he was divorced and was ready to marry them and help raise their babies. He is a complete sociopath. Immediately she was furious and ready to divorce him. After a few months now, she is considering reconciliation. (Of course I think that's nuts, given that situation, but my point is that your mind will turn this issue over 1 million times and you may change your mind this way, that way, and this way again. That's all normal for someone in your situation.)

 

Take care.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Leo,

 

but my point is that your mind will turn this issue over 1 million times and you may change your mind this way, that way, and this way again. That's all normal for someone in your situation.)

 

 

I was adament to save my marriage and did so the best I could. We are doing better now than ever before. Still have our bumps, but way better than pre-affair.

 

Anyway....the change your mind thing.....I was over a year past Dday when I began to have thoughts of leaving my wife. So what is said is true. back and forth. I never thought I would have thoughts of leaving after 1 year of reconcilation, but I did. And it was a struggle, but I endured and we made it through.

[Screwedover]

I was over a year past Dday when I began to have thoughts of leaving my wife.

 

 

I'm 2.5 years out and I still turn this option over in my mind.

[Owl]

And I'm four years out, and don't consider it.

 

So it really is up to you as to which choice fits YOU.