Dead inside at the edge of darkness

[theobserver]

I'm real happy with the way Leo has dealt with this I'm sure others will give more descriptive words of support but you're doing well so far, as I thought though your wife is soon to fight for everything she feels she's entitled to so she can keep her lifestyle which from her response seems to be all she cares about makes me wonder if she stopped loving you a long time ago before the affair.

 

Also to answer the question above (though I'm sure Leo or someone else can confirm) I believe his daughters are 18 and 19 now but the music lessons started when the youngest(?clarification) daughter first started recieving the lessons she was 15. Sorry if I'm wrong just hard to look back right now.

 

I'm lighting a candle to make that light just a little bit brighter Leo, you're almost out of the darkness.

[stampdaddy]

My thoughts and prayers are with you ALL... I am proud of your outlook on LIFE, especially because you are looking FORWARD...

[Darth Vader]

I agree with the posters who say your STBXW will probable turn very nasty, if not worse! Expect it! Because she has nothing to lose, and everything to gain! Make sure that you don't play Mr. Softy! If she tries to "go for it all", You had better fight her HARD! Because like someone else said, she wants to maintain her Lifestyle. She obviously doesn't care about yours. If it has to come to that, do it. Not for only yourself, but for your Daughters, after all, you don't want the Music Man to get your money that you worked so hard for.

 

I would tell the OM's wife of what has gone on between him and his wife, because by now the STBX has told him what's been going on, and he may be trying to help her to get as much as she can out of you. It also would give him something to worry about and keep him busy, let him experience a few Fireworks of his own.

 

Listen to Gunny, he's been there, done that, has the shotglass, the whole nine.

 

Great Job MAN!:cool::cool::cool::cool: We're here for ya! Keep up the good work, don't let the HEX know about this site, keep your chin up, and as Gunny would say "KEEP MOOVIN ON!!!!!":cool::bunny::bunny:

[pelicanpreacher]

Hey Leo,

 

The angel brigade is watching over you and so you'll be fine money!

 

Tarry not on the inequities of thine life for the Lord, thy God, has spread a banquet at your feet! Give thanks, rejoice, and enjoy the bounty that hath been prepared in thine name!

[Leo822]

My daughters are 18 and 19. They are both graduated from HS. No worries about custody or child support. They will choose where they live and I assume it will be a blend of where I am and where their mother is knowing 21st century teenagers as I intimitaly do. My 19 yo just completed a gap year with the National Outdoor Leadership School in Wyoming and will attend college in the fall. My 18 yo just graduated HS and is starting a gap year with the National Outdoor Leadership School in September. Their college educations are fully paid for through an educational trust set up when they were young and the STBXW has no legal claim on it.

 

I need some quick feedback from those cyberangels out there. I have not filed yet and was hoping to avoid it in the hopes of this being amiable. This was my lawyer's advice for an opening strategy with reserving the right to file if she is not cooperative. It is not going well. Should I file first thing this week? My lawyer said it will only take her a hour to draw up the papers for signature. Then my STBXW and the music man will be served.

 

Let me know your thoughts please a.s.a.p.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You better file first to protect your assets and make sure she doesnt rewrite marital history.

 

The only thing your doing wrong is trying to be friends with her, that's your first mistake and she'll use that to her advantage.

 

You should not be friends with a woman like that.

 

At least wait until after the divorce, because she's gonna be angry and the best thing is to distance yourself because she'll constantly lash out at you for ruining everything.

 

I deeply suspect the affair with the music man wont last as soon as it all hits the fan. Supeona his butt and lets see if he still wants to play house with a married woman.

[Darth Vader]

You better file first to protect your assets and make sure she doesnt rewrite marital history.

 

The only thing your doing wrong is trying to be friends with her, that's your first mistake and she'll use that to her advantage.

 

You should not be friends with a woman like that.

 

At least wait until after the divorce, because she's gonna be angry and the best thing is to distance yourself because she'll constantly lash out at you for ruining everything.

 

I deeply suspect the affair with the music man wont last as soon as it all hits the fan. Supeona his butt and lets see if he still wants to play house with a married woman.

 

 

I agree, stop trying to be friends with her, she's not your friend, and perhaps never will be. Why? Because you ruined her fantasy life, where she had it all. Why be friends with someone who had ripped out and destroyed your heart? I'm surprised that you havn't filed yet, can you do it tomorrow? We're telling you MAN, you better get a MOVING with this Divorce thing, before she RAPES you in court, and makes you pay for her affair!

 

NO, SERIOUSLY, STOP BEING NICE TO HER, SHE WON'T DO THE SAME! SHE'LL FIND A WAY TO SCREW YOU OVER!

 

I can't stress it enough, all the laws are twisted against MEN these days, it's very hard for a man to overcome a woman in Divorce court, because the courts are Bias against MEN. TRUST US ON THIS, OK?

 

STBXW may seem nice some days, but, don't let her fool you, she's plotting something, and ladies like your STBX will do a 180 on ya so fast it will make your head spin! I understand that you want it to be amicable, ok, that's good, only one BIG problem with that, she doesn't want it to be amicable, even if she hasn't said so. She didn't have to, her actions said it! You saying to her that you want it to be an amicable Divorce, told her that she can walk all over you, and you won't do anything about it. That's what I'm reading from her actions right now, I'm sure that you've been picking up on it too, but you may not want to admit it. She's going to go in for the KILL, be sure of it! She's going to try to take you to the cleaners, Count on it!

 

I hope you listen to us, I'd hate to hear in 6 months from now how she got everything, don't let this happen. She'll never feel or be sorry for what she's done, or for taking you to the cleaners. But you got to help yourself too. It's either you who wins, or her, your choice.

[mental_traveller]

Have a third party present, and/or do it in a very public place. As a matter of fact...have a digital voice recorder on you when you do this...so that you're recording everything that's being said and done.

 

Bounce this idea off of your lawyer.

 

I've got to tell you...your reaction to hearing that your wife is sleeping with someone else is a definite indicator here. Most men are DEVESTATED to hear this...you're gleeful. I get the idea of looking forward to 'busting it up'...but at the same time, most men are HURT by what's happened....there's no evidence at all of this in your posts.

 

This suggests to me that your relationship has been broken a VERY long time. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy, because honestly I suspect you've been so emotionally withdrawn for so long that its likely a huge part of the problem that led up to the affair. The fact that you're only focused on the revenge aspect, and not feeling any of the emotional impact that most men deal with makes me wonder what baggage you might have brought into this marriage as well.

 

I disagree. IMO it just shows he sees the situation clearly, and has thus lost all feelings for his wife overnight. That's the mark of someone who can handle and direct their emotions rather than being a slave to them.

 

I think he is doing everything right so far.

[Darth Vader]

I disagree. IMO it just shows he sees the situation clearly, and has thus lost all feelings for his wife overnight. That's the mark of someone who can handle and direct their emotions rather than being a slave to them.

 

I think he is doing everything right so far.

 

 

This point's been resolved.

[81West]

Hi Leo,

 

I'd follow your lawyer's advice for now. She'll have the necessary objectivity to steer you well. 'Not going well' may mean one thing to you and another to your lawyer. You'll need to prepare for a court system that may not care much about your wife's infidelity, or her sulking. Protect yourself first, and make sure every move supports your goal. If your goal still remains an amicable settlement at this time, try to act accordingly. You can always adjust goals and tactics as necessary, but undoing things along the way is a little tougher.

[mental_traveller]

Ok I think you are slipping up in the last few days.

 

1) You won't remain friends - this will turn into a fight, or even a war. Her initial reaction should tell you that. You have to start dealing with the actual reality, not forlorn hopes of what you want reality to be.

 

2) I think giving her any leeway at all is a bad idea. Go for the kill in a legal sense - you can always *voluntarily* then give her more after a settlement, if you so choose. Let it be on your terms, your choice, not a fixed document that can't be changed later. Tell your lawyer to go for the maximum win possible.

 

3) Out the affair to everyone, including the music guy's partner (if he is married or has a gf).

 

4) Boot her out of the house, if you can do this legally.

 

5) You have to stop trusting your soon-to-be-ex-wife. She is capable of anything and will screw you over if she gets the chance. Put a lock code on your phone(s) and anything else, and start looking out for #1.

 

6) Get mutual friends, relatives, colleagues on-side.

 

You are doing a lot right, but I sense you are wavering more recently. Get back on track and play hardball. Let any generosity be at your discretion, rather than because you got sloopy and out-maneuvered by her.

[Gunny376]

Forget being friends for now? Your actions are commendable! You're a man of Honor, Integrity!

 

I'd file for divorce this morning! I believe your maintaining the most important thing in going through a divorce ~ BALANCE of emotions!

 

You've thrown your wife under the bus with your disclosure of the affair! When she crawls out from under of such? Its not going to be fun and it won't be pretty!

[pentacle]

I agree with most of what has been stated above.

 

Forget about being friends with her. The reason is that your interests have now diverged and you are fighting each other for the best financial survival you can each achieve. I don't see the point of being nice and fighting underneath.

 

You have all the legal stuff in place, go for everything that you can now. This will be amended in court, but if you don't do this you will see your pension, your home, your savings, your assets sliced to pay for her future when you need to be worrrying about your future.

 

Your wife is an adult and should be able to rely on herself to sort out her own income by finding a job which makes her the money she needs. You have been entirely reasonable leaving her money to set up with - it seems to me you need your lawyer to write a formal letter stating that this money has been left in the account for her use for that reason alone, through your compassion alone, not because of any wrongdoing on your part and that it needs to be accounted for as part of the final settlement.

 

Lawyers in my experience, answer direct questions, but rarely steer you. You are employing them to work for you. They await your instructions. I suggest you get on with getting them to work for you.

 

Your daughters are settled for their education and are technically adults so you don't need to pay anything to the wife to help them along - at least that is settled.

 

My query is in the house. You seem to have implied that you've told her to leave, but she is still in the house. You yourself must be going back to your work place, leaving the house in her possession. I think this is a bad thing to do. You could come back at the weekend and find the locks changed and you have no access but have the mortgage and bills to pay for your credit ratings. I really do think you should consider how you make her leave and change the locks yourself and get your daughters to stay with friends or family whilst this is all sorted out. Check out the legal position for this.

 

You are no longer friends. You have widely divergent interests. Do file. Do start the ball rolling. Maintain your sense of being in control. If you don't you will find yourself being steam rollered in to concessions that are not in your best interest.

[cherrymoon]

leo,

 

Well done, and well done to both you and your wife for raising such well equiped and well rounded daughters.

 

I would go and talk to your lawyer as she is truely he only one of us qualified to give you advice on this.

 

AS for being friends. This cannot be just yet so put that idea aside. This however does not mean that you have to treat her badly it does however mean you have a stranger in your life right now and must treat her as one.

 

This will turn Nasty believe me. I cannot believe her reaction, it was all about what she was to do with out money?????

 

I remained calm and disconnected when my H found out, I had to there were 3 of our 4 kids in the house and he was smashing it up, My 3 yr old was curled up in fear on my lap.

 

I remember that night when we spoke, I felt nothing yet I cried and told him I wanted us to fix it. I agreed to everything he asked me.

 

Where is her remorse.

 

Her reaction sounds very selfish and she is acting like a victim. Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned.

 

She will be advised by her lawyer and friends and music man and family to stay in the house so beware. If I were you I would take some time off as yo leaving the house is not a good Idea. She can easily get you locked out physically and legally.

 

If the law is anything like the irish law all she has to do is appear in front of the judge, here it is as easy as walking in and making an appointment the day the family courts are on.

She will take the oath and then give details of abuse and he will stamp it there and then.

 

I couldn't believe how easy it was, Not easy for me, my case was so bad the judge took of his glasses and spoke to me and the clerk had to help me sign my name. I did see people going in as if it was normal. It is surreal. People are survivers and will do anything to protect themselves.

 

Don't tell everybody, if music man has no kids then by all means tell his other half (if he has one).

You never know what will happen a year down the road fom now best you remain the gentleman you are and keep your business with you.

 

Be so proud of yourself and your daughters.

[pentacle]

Hmm, yes, CherryMoon makes a really good point. If you leave the house and she manages to get to court quick citing abuse she can get you locked out and locked up if you turn up within a certain distance of the house. Yes. You really do need to be careful here. She will fight you and use any means possible to protect herself. Think about cornered animals and you can see how nasty this can get.

 

It's proabably too late and you are on your way back to work. But I really do think you need to ask your employer for some compassionate leave to deal with your family situation and stay in the house for your own good.

[Gunny376]

What needs to be said and acknowleded here is that you're going through your own personal "9/11" of your Life! Its perfectally clear and OK to crfy me a river!

[Ms. Red]

Wow just Wow on her attitude. She complains & asks how she is supposed to support herself? She should just follow the plans she & the music man have been making for "their future" together.

 

"She now railed against me at how alone she has been for the past 7 years since the girls were in middle school, while I have been out nurturing a high paying career, she has maintained the household with no credit."....What? She had the hard earned $$ you made when she refused to follow you to your job. She chose to be alone. Unfortunately, this is something I read about here when the cheater is exposed. They turn it around & put the blame on the betrayed. (Edit....Oh wait, I was thinking credit like credit card. I get it now. Like U were ungrateful. But the comments about her being lonely still stand)

 

Yes! File for divorce yesterday. I don't understand the reason for waiting. Most states have waiting periods after filing to allow for negotiations. Don't let her file first. Call your attorney & get it rolling ASAP!

 

I don't know how you could even consider being friends. I think you should come up with a better word than friend. I understand you want to try to get along with her for the sake of your daughters. I have a good relationship with my STBXH but I would never call him a friend. A friend is someone that has your best interest in mind & would be there for you in times of need. She (& my STBXH) is nothing like that.

 

Hang in there. I think your handling this all like a true gentleman. Just don't let her walk all over you & take advantage of your good attitude.

 

Hugs & prayers, Ms. Red

[Owl]

Leo, I've got to echo everyone else here.

 

YOU ROCKED!!!!

 

Seriously, you handled the confrontation far better than I did in my case.

 

Get with your lawyer, get their gameplan for divorce, and follow it to the T...as long as they can give you a good rationale behind their decisions. If filing first in your state helps your position, then do it ASAP.

 

Again, great, GREAT job with your daughters, and handling the actual confrontation.

 

Of course your wife is ANGRY with you...you just popped her "affar fantasy" bubble. Reality is hitting her between the eyes whenever she steps out of her room...and she's been trying to hide from that reality for quite a while.

 

I'm going to reiterate my apology, because there was NOTHING in your confrontation that supported my earlier comments...exactly the contrary. You stepped up to the plate, and handled it with dignity and honor.

 

I'm also going to be honest...I don't know what advice I can truly give you going forward...for two reasons. First, I don't know much about divorce. Second...you honestly don't sound like you need my kind of advice. Most posters need action oriented, kick in the butt advice to get them moving. You're already there...so you're already beyond a point where you're likely to need much more than encouragement, IMHO.

 

Rock on man...when you get down, come here for encouragement!

[Lookingforward]

Leo, it sounds like you carried it off with dignity.

 

I also join the posters here that are telling you to be very very careful regarding "possession" of your property and getting the filing in motion asap.

 

Your STBX has been blindsided by your knowledge of her betrayal and her plans, but that could turn around in a heartbeat.

 

Definitely make your lawyer aware that you left the 13k in the bank and why, otherwise you could find yourself being told in the D proceedings this was a "gift" (btdt) and outside of the decreed split.

 

msred - the stbxws reaction doesn't surprise me in the slightest, my exsMMs W had the same reaction - no tears, no asking him to stay etc , just "what about the money, will you still support me".

 

Leo, it sounds like she has had a decent ride, a degree she has never utilised, pottering around in her art gallery "job" for pin money, you supporting her (which is fair enough if she was also contributing in other ways to your M). Time for her to pull up her big girl panties and figure out the world (and you) don't owe her a living.

 

She doesn't seem too sure mr music is going to come to the party financially does she ? You have never mentioned if he is M or partnered also.

[lemony fresh]

OK here's the deal, I think it was tacky of you to tell your daughters that you will not be splitting the assets "equitably" with your STBXW because you don't know how that will turn out. That was too much information to be telling them and it just shows you're spiteful to them.

 

Also if you're going out to the gentleman's club, it's not showing that you really care that much about your daughters. You're pulling the 'Oh I love my daughters so much, they are so special to me.' Ok,well then why weren't you spending time with them? You've had all this time apart. I think you're pulling the "I'm this perfect wonderful dad" routine to make yourself look like a great dad and your STBXW a bad mom.

 

That said, yes, your wife pulled one over on ya. And also watch for posting too much info about other people, yes, this dude screwed your wife but you don't need to make his life for public fodder and random people can contact him from the site!

[Untouchable_Fire]

OK here's the deal, I think it was tacky of you to tell your daughters that you will not be splitting the assets "equitably" with your STBXW because you don't know how that will turn out. That was too much information to be telling them and it just shows you're spiteful to them.

Also if you're going out to the gentleman's club, it's not showing that you really care that much about your daughters. You're pulling the 'Oh I love my daughters so much, they are so special to me.' Ok,well then why weren't you spending time with them? You've had all this time apart. I think you're pulling the "I'm this perfect wonderful dad" routine to make yourself look like a great dad and your STBXW a bad mom.

That said, yes, your wife pulled one over on ya. And also watch for posting too much info about other people, yes, this dude screwed your wife but you don't need to make his life for public fodder and random people can contact him from the site!

 

I would call him a bad dad if he took his daughters with him to the strip club. Otherwise, that's an unreasonable stretch.

 

Oh, and his STBXW... is a bad mom. So far as this story is true... thats an irrefutable fact.

[81West]

Also if you're going out to the gentleman's club, it's not showing that you really care that much about your daughters. You're pulling the 'Oh I love my daughters so much, they are so special to me.' Ok,well then why weren't you spending time with them? You've had all this time apart. I think you're pulling the "I'm this perfect wonderful dad" routine to make yourself look like a great dad and your STBXW a bad mom.

 

A reminder that the man drove 1000 miles on a weekly basis to spend time with his family over a period spanning years. Pretty remarkable if you ask me.

[Darth Vader]

OK here's the deal, I think it was tacky of you to tell your daughters that you will not be splitting the assets "equitably" with your STBXW because you don't know how that will turn out. That was too much information to be telling them and it just shows you're spiteful to them.

 

Also if you're going out to the gentleman's club, it's not showing that you really care that much about your daughters. You're pulling the 'Oh I love my daughters so much, they are so special to me.' Ok,well then why weren't you spending time with them? You've had all this time apart. I think you're pulling the "I'm this perfect wonderful dad" routine to make yourself look like a great dad and your STBXW a bad mom.

 

That said, yes, your wife pulled one over on ya. And also watch for posting too much info about other people, yes, this dude screwed your wife but you don't need to make his life for public fodder and random people can contact him from the site!

 

 

Should he LIE about what he's about to do concerning his wife, their mother? Actually his wife "pulled" the I was alone BullCrap, there is no justifying her affair!

 

So lady, you think this OM should get off scott free? UM, NO!

[torranceshipman]

Lemony, Leo sounds ace...if theres one person on this forum that DOESNT deserve a bashing, its Leo. He's honest, upfront and dignified and the poor man has to let off a little bit of steam SOMEHOW after all he's been through.

 

I think it's brilliant he's been so honest and open with his kids - they'll appreciate this approach hugely in years to come. It's their family too and it's like their family is divorcing, if you get me - its not just an issue for the parents - they deserve to be involved and informed as long as the parent informing them has dignity and good intentions (as Leo does), I believe it is completely the right thing to do. Its respectful to them and shows that their father feels he can treat them as adults. I think they have a father they can talk to too, which is lovely.

[lemony fresh]

Well, he told his wife to "leave him alone" when she was trying to communicate with him. She moved out of the bedroom because he did this.

He just glosses over it and states "I admit my part in the marriage, now let's bash the STBXW more...."

He really hasn't looked into himself and his part in it all.