Feeling Good-What

[chuckgirl]

I came to this site because I was feeling depressed about my situation, several months ago. I have been in a marriage that just depressed me. Emotional abuse was more than I cared to deal with. Plus other things, like his emotional issues that came from being bi-polar. It was a very hard disease, and like any disease it really was hard to deal with all the stuff that came with it.

 

Even though he was being medicated and was getting better. Without his self-medicating alcohol abuse, it just opened the door that we just didn't get along very well. Two very different people.

 

It was also hard on the kids over the years. So much emotional baggage for them.

 

So after 17 years, I decided I just could not take anymore. It wasn't doing anyone any good. We were trying to make it for the kids. We were in counseling. But the counseling wasn't working for me. Yes, it would always show him how he treated me wrong, or possibly how he would look at a situation in an unreasonable manner. But even though these things were pointed out and worked on, it could not tear down the wall that I built and it could not make me love him like a wife should.

 

Life will, undoubtedly, be harder for me. I am having to raise the children by myself. Although I am the one that was always the stronger, more loving parent, he would do a lot of the help driving them around, because I worked full time outside the house, he worked from home.

 

I just couldn't stand the pretending anymore. Pretending I wanted to be married, pretending that I would make an effort with counseling. Pretending that I was in love. Apparently, I wasn't being a good actress, according to him. He is right. I was emotionally gone and there was no turning back. I could also tell that my lack of feelings for him, depressed him, and felt I shouldn't do that anymore to him.

 

Friday night I got about 3 hours sleep, for reasons I don't want to really get into, because irrelevant. But yesterday he moved out. Was gone by 10 am. I spent the whole day cleaning and re-arranging. I still have so much more to do. But at least the house is getting done. I even hung pictures that I have owned since, I think, Feb or March, that I never hung. He left a lot of his stuff, that I am trying to box up for him. He was not really in "the mood".

 

I feel such a peace inside right now. My kids are good. My youngest doesn't quite understand, yet, just by the questions she asks. But I try to explain, the best I can.

 

So people say how bad they feel for me. I can't help but smile and say it is a good thing. A big weight lifted. My dd even had a play-date for the first time yesterday (with a new friend) and I think her mom was concerned that it may possibly not be a good day for a first time play-date. I told her, it was ok, that we are all good.

 

It is kind of funny......I feel guilty............because I feel so good. Sure I have those self doubts, that maybe I should have tried harder. But I don't think I could have ever gotten there. As my counselor once told me, that he can help make our marriage better, but he can not make me fall in love with my husband again. He didn't know if I would or not.

 

I realize that you don't necessarily have to be "in love" with your spouse to make it work, but mutual respect is a huge need. Although he said he had it for me and that he was in love with me, I never felt it.

 

Oh and the thing I hate, is when someone says, "Whatever it takes....try to stay together, especially if you have kids, have you tried counseling?"

That just bugs the crap out of me. Like I made this decision at the spur of the moment, without any thoughts or regards to anything, especially my children.

 

Well, just felt like posting this. Thanks. Any suggestions on what to say to those kind of people, would be appreciated. Should I feel guilty, when I spent the last 17 years, unhappy and repressed? We had multiple counselors over the years. My kids are fine. My oldest, totally understands and is not upset with me at all.

[Order & Chaos]

Chuckgirl,

 

I am in a similar situation and am surprised by how I am feeling during our separation. I definitely wasn't dealing with emotional abuse, but was dealing with his depression and anxiety and just became emotionally detached a while ago.

 

I too, after waking up one day and realizing how far things had come, was tired of pretending, tired of this status quo where I felt like a shell of myself.

 

I was the one who moved out about 6 weeks ago but things are going well. I still have stuff at the house and we are doing counselling but I am staying busy, decorating my new place, and really enjoying being on my own. I miss our life from time to time and I miss the companionship some times but I am enjoying being free of the guilt. I think all the guilt can be wrapped up in to the guilt of pretending for years to be someone I was not.

 

I moved the cats over to my place this week and am thrilled to have them! I've had the one since college and the other just adores me. He has the dogs and is quite happy with them so I think it was an even split.

 

Good luck in your life and hopefully things will continue on this path for you. I do take marriage seriously but life is too short to stay miserable for this "higher" ideal. Good luck and congratulations!

[n9688m]

I think all the guilt can be wrapped up in to the guilt of pretending for years to be someone I was not.

 

Why did you pretend for so long?

 

Why didn't you go to counseling earlier?

 

Wasn't the "pretending" for so long a disservice both to yourself and to your spouse?

[Order & Chaos]

Why did you pretend for so long?

 

Why didn't you go to counseling earlier?

 

Wasn't the "pretending" for so long a disservice both to yourself and to your spouse?

 

B/c we have been together since we were 18 and I felt that I should strive to be that other person. Plus with a career that has taken off in the last 2 years, I have definitely changed

 

I did go to counseling, he would not. I went three years ago, he went for two sessions, but didn't want to go anymore after that.

 

Yes it was a disservice, of course it was. But we all learn coping mechanisms and to be honest since things were never "bad" just not good I didn't realize the magnitude till too late. You are taught that some things you have to compromise on, that this is a great person so let some things slid, etc. At the end of the day you just let it build up and up.

 

There are other issues at play that after 13 years I couldn't do anymore (you can do a search of my posts if you'd like).

 

And lastly, because hindsight is 20/20.

[chuckgirl]

Order & Chaos----

 

I swear you could just write for me.

 

.....except that I got stuck with all the animals. He is suppose to take one cat. Which is the cat that always attacks the other cats, and they are afraid of her. Plus I have the kids, too.

 

Thanks for replying. You do learn coping mechanisms. I understand, totally about wanting to live up to what is expected of one who is married. The "status" quo. The pretending only makes things worse.

 

I am surprised that someone questioned this of you. I am sure there are a lot of people who do just what we did, we are lucky, because we woke up.

 

I feel so much better. A big feeling of peace.

[Order & Chaos]

Order & Chaos----

 

I swear you could just write for me.

 

.....except that I got stuck with all the animals. He is suppose to take one cat. Which is the cat that always attacks the other cats, and they are afraid of her. Plus I have the kids, too.

 

Thanks for replying. You do learn coping mechanisms. I understand, totally about wanting to live up to what is expected of one who is married. The "status" quo. The pretending only makes things worse.

 

I am surprised that someone questioned this of you. I am sure there are a lot of people who do just what we did, we are lucky, because we woke up.

 

I feel so much better. A big feeling of peace.

 

It's fine, I think some people question b/c they see themselves in other's stories.

 

We are both in IC as well as MC to try and figure things out but neither one of us has a lot of hope. We both concede that it really should have been done years ago. But I have no desire to force my husband to do anything he doesn't want to do and that wasn't what he wanted to do. He is an adult, he is a rational logical adult. If he makes a decision I assume he is looking at all angles and has some responsibility for any consequences from them. Unfortunately this may have been a bit of a consequence.

 

As I have posted before, I have no ill will towards him. I really care about him, think he is a great person, etc but I am just dead inside. I can not work up the energy to be in love with him any more. I no longer can work up any energy for anything. I dreaded saying anything. And it kills me to cause him any pain, but I just couldn't go on anymore.

 

Shoot, the main theme of my IC is about being geniune to myself and to the world. I am not perfect, shoot I am so far from perfect it isn't even funny. But I try and treat others with respect and care and really want those I love to be happy. I really do. But at some point I need to be happy too.

 

I am happy to have the cats, they were "mine" I guess but we got the dogs for him. He misses the cats but the dogs are so time consuming that I think the balance is pretty even plus the cats weren't getting much attention.

 

How are you doing with everything? How are your kids? I feel "lucky" to not have children with this. Just another element to have to factor in. Glad to know you are feeling peace. It's funny isn't it? You don't expect that feeling. I know we broke up in college and he started to date someone else and I was just devastated. I NEVER wanted to go through that pain again and I was expecting to feel that again. I was all prepared to dissolve but nothing. . . I guess I am still waiting for that other shoe to drop. To have everything come crashing down but so far this ahs been so much easier than I think either one of us expected it.

 

I guess that's when you realize how little passion there was. I don't know, it's depressing but so far survivable.

 

Good luck and keep updating. We seem to be in very similar situations.

[sumdude]

c-girl and O & C..

 

From both of your stories it's seems that you really tried and just couldn't make it happen. You were up front and truthful with your spouses... you didn't just up and run away. Can't really fault you .... it's a shame but what can you do anymore?

[TrustInYourself]

If your husband wakes up, wants to change, to rekindle the fire of your passion and love, who's to say that things can't work. I understand there is a lot of pain, heartache, anger, regret, and exhaustion.

 

There are some of us men who want our wives back, and we're willing to do what it takes. You've changed. So can we. Keep your minds and hearts open.

[chuckgirl]

If your husband wakes up, wants to change, to rekindle the fire of your passion and love, who's to say that things can't work. I understand there is a lot of pain, heartache, anger, regret, and exhaustion.

 

There are some of us men who want our wives back, and we're willing to do what it takes. You've changed. So can we. Keep your minds and hearts open.

 

It is unfortunate. Because the above statement should be great. However, after you have been "beaten down" you build up a wall. It isn't easy to beat down the wall, even with a lot of changing. In my case--the changes were not enough. Some parts of his personality did not change. He may very well, since changing, be able to find a wonderful women who will not have the past that I had with him. She will trust him, she will not feel scared, she will not have to walk on egg shells, not so much from his present reactions, but those that are engraved on her soul from the past.

[TrustInYourself]

It is unfortunate. Because the above statement should be great. However, after you have been "beaten down" you build up a wall. It isn't easy to beat down the wall, even with a lot of changing. In my case--the changes were not enough. Some parts of his personality did not change. He may very well, since changing, be able to find a wonderful women who will not have the past that I had with him. She will trust him, she will not feel scared, she will not have to walk on egg shells, not so much from his present reactions, but those that are engraved on her soul from the past.

 

Is time and distance the only ways to heal this? I will do anything for her heart to heal and be able to love me again, even though I so badly beat down on our relationship.

[Order & Chaos]

Is time and distance the only ways to heal this? I will do anything for her heart to heal and be able to love me again, even though I so badly beat down on our relationship.

 

Trust, I am sorry for the pain you are in and sorry to have to tell you but, yes, sometimes things have gone to far. Some times it doesn't matter that you now want to put in 110%, it is past the point of no return.

 

And sometimes time and distance are the only answer. When the patterns have been repeating themselves year after year even with promises of change, another proclamation starts to ring hollow.

 

Sorry for the pain you are in and hope for the best for you. Please look into therapy to help heal the wounds and work out any issues that you have. Good luck and fingers crossed for you.

[TrustInYourself]

O&C, thanks for the kind words. I wish the best for you.

 

I'm done making proclamations. I'm ready to make my actions speak for my heart.

[BobTingle]

Hi chuckgirl, sounds like you really beat yourself up over this. Sounds like to me you made a smart choice for you and your family. It is always harder when kids are involved.

 

I just hope he is dealing with this well considering his unstable condition.

[RollTide]

I agree with Bob, chuckie. That guy sounds like a looney tunes character.

 

Or maybe you were exaggerating a little? Most people do in order to make them feel good about their choices.

[breeder83]

" like his emotional issues that came from being bi-polar."

 

this a real medical problem or you just guessin here...I think my wife is "cuckoo" sometimes but she won't go get checked..kind of hard to try to get somebody who acts "toys in the attic" to go to the doctor when she thinks she's perfectly normal, in fact tells me to shut the Holy Jesus up...

 

if you're sure he is unbalanced, did you try to help him and if no, why not?..just askin trying to think out my situation..

[chuckgirl]

" like his emotional issues that came from being bi-polar."

 

this a real medical problem or you just guessin here...I think my wife is "cuckoo" sometimes but she won't go get checked..kind of hard to try to get somebody who acts "toys in the attic" to go to the doctor when she thinks she's perfectly normal, in fact tells me to shut the Holy Jesus up...

 

if you're sure he is unbalanced, did you try to help him and if no, why not?..just askin trying to think out my situation..

 

He has gone through some very good medical help. He is on many pills, which keep him much more stable. If he keeps off the alcohol, the pills will help. Then he will be able to meet a woman who does not have the past and will only see the new improved H. She will find he can be quite charming, laugh with and enjoy, without the emotional baggage I have carried of all of these years. I wish him well.

[lonelynightslady]

I have a question for chuckgirl. How can you dog H out in one post and wish him well in another. Sounds like a love-hate relationship to me.

 

I've been down the road with abusive H. Mine made the mistake of punching me in the stomach. I left him soon after. I do not condone affairs but have had one in my life. Neither of us meant for anything to happen, but it did while we were both M. It happened because we were online friends who decided to meet. So I can see where your friendship with the OM is important to you. But on the other hand, I have to ask this too, why have you had this infactuation with this guy and you still be M? My xH said he was just a paycheck to me, saying I spent way too much money. What he felled to see was how much money went out the door on his daily case of beer. YES, I said a case a day. Have you filed for your divorce? I did mine the day I left.

 

I wish you and your stbx H the best. Mabe you both will find your real true loves. God Bless

[breeder83]

He has gone through some very good medical help. He is on many pills, which keep him much more stable. If he keeps off the alcohol, the pills will help. Then he will be able to meet a woman who does not have the past and will only see the new improved H. She will find he can be quite charming, laugh with and enjoy, without the emotional baggage I have carried of all of these years. I wish him well.

 

didn't address my question...what steps did you do to try to help your soon-to-be-ex with his med condition?..would he have been open to your assistance?..sounds like you have so much "baggage" ( I hate that damn word) that you let him drift along unattended, knowing he would fail...sort of like you were building a case against him..I feel the same way so i can relate, but now i'm wondering if maybe I'm not trying hard enough in my relationship...I knew coming to this board would help!! Thanks Chuckie!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

She only wants to hear, what she wants to hear.

 

Period.

 

Her husband is much better off.

[chuckgirl]

I have a question for chuckgirl. How can you dog H out in one post and wish him well in another. Sounds like a love-hate relationship to me.

 

I've been down the road with abusive H. Mine made the mistake of punching me in the stomach. I left him soon after. I do not condone affairs but have had one in my life. Neither of us meant for anything to happen, but it did while we were both M. It happened because we were online friends who decided to meet. So I can see where your friendship with the OM is important to you. But on the other hand, I have to ask this too, why have you had this infactuation with this guy and you still be M? My xH said he was just a paycheck to me, saying I spent way too much money. What he felled to see was how much money went out the door on his daily case of beer. YES, I said a case a day. Have you filed for your divorce? I did mine the day I left.

 

I wish you and your stbx H the best. Mabe you both will find your real true loves. God Bless

 

It is what it is. Of course I wish him well. I have been married to him for 17 years. I really don't hate him. I care about him. I want him to find happiness. I just can't be that person. He is the father of my beautiful children and I want them to have a relationship that is good. I think he has made a lot of good, positive changes. I hope for his sake, he will stop drinking, because he is a much better person when not. I just realized that I can't forget the past 17 years, where we had many problems. We separated several times in the 17 years. Promises were made, we got back together and things changed for a little bit and then I was dealing with many of the same problems, over and over again.

 

I could not let the wall down. I take full responsibility for that. It just seemed that everytime I did let it down, I got hurt. I think he could be a great guy for someone else. Someone who doesn't have the lack of trust. He says he doesn't know me at all. He is right. I am not the same woman he married. And he isn't the same man I married. We grew apart. We both care for each other and I hope that never changes.

 

Though he was very angry this last week and lashed out, he still cares for me. He is sorry. I am sorry. I wrote what I wrote, not to hurt him, but to vent. I did it anonymously. And though that may not make it right, I would never have posted many things had I know it would be shared with family and friends. It is embarrassing and I am ashamed.

 

So what is done is done. I have to move on. I am stronger than I have ever been and will do what I have to do. My children need us. He knows it and I know it. We have apologized and know we need to do what is best for them, through this break-up.

 

Thank you for the well wishes.

[chuckgirl]

didn't address my question...what steps did you do to try to help your soon-to-be-ex with his med condition?..would he have been open to your assistance?..sounds like you have so much "baggage" ( I hate that damn word) that you let him drift along unattended, knowing he would fail...sort of like you were building a case against him..I feel the same way so i can relate, but now i'm wondering if maybe I'm not trying hard enough in my relationship...I knew coming to this board would help!! Thanks Chuckie!!

 

He was getting medical treatment. Which he was open to. He did so when I told him I would leave if he didn't. He was getting individual therapy which worked great. I think it helped that he was infatuated with his therapist, (sorry CHD) so he would do anything she wanted. She talked to him and made him realize that an affair would not be in his best interest.

 

I did not let him drift along. I did, however, let it happen this time. I just could not deal with it anymore. I was miserable and so was he. We were each other's worst enemies, in that sense.

 

You may not be trying hard enough. Or perhaps you just can't anymore. I hope he continues his treatment. He is a much nicer person (well minus the last week of lashing out). His moods are much more stabilized. I've been down this road with him and am afraid that if he continues (drinking) the meds won't work anymore.

 

I am going to go to a support group. Maybe I should have gone long ago, maybe it would make me understand his disease better. Maybe I would not have let it affect me and my self-esteem so much. But I need to heal and I think a support group may help. Unless it just turns out to be a bit** session, which I don't want.

 

I am answering because you asked. I am going to go away from this forum. I feel a little weird posting, when no longer anonymous. My H and I have made a truce and I don't wish to stir the pot. I will not post anymore, than tonight, out of respect for him. I hope you figure out what you need to do. Good luck.