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- Should I try NC with my newly seperated wife


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Hi guys,

 

I'm new to the city I currently live in and have so support group to ask advise....so I'm going to try you guys/gals.

 

We have been married just over 10 yrs. No kids, both professionals.

5 weeks ago, my wife told me that she wasn't happy and wanted a seperation. This was the first time she had ever spoken about a seperation. We never argue, no affairs, no money problems. I love her very very much and this came as a total shock to me. She said that she had been unhappy for a while, she hadn't planned this, it just came out one night after dinner. She moved in with one of her girlfriends for the last 5 weeks. We still get on great when we are together....but she said she isn't in love with me anymore. We are both fit and attractive....so it's not like we have turned into slobs. If anything, our lives got kinda boring as we got into the daily grind of working life. Our sex live had gone downhill over the last 18 mths also (but that was my doing...I just was never in the mood. Thats probably strange for a fit middle aged guy - 39).

 

I would like to do marrage councelling, but she said she dosn't have her heart into getting a reconciliation. She dosn't think we can get back to where she wants to be in the relationship.

 

I really want to address whatever the issues are and improve our communication so we can work through our problems. She dosn't really want to try at all.

 

We have contact a couple of times a week via phone, e-mail, or when she comes over to get the bills.

 

I tried all the wrong things...crying, pleading, reasoning...but that only pushed her away more.

 

Yesterday, I told her that if she has her heart set on a seperation, there is not much I can do so I well respect her decision.

 

Do you think I shoud try NC to see if it forces her to reflect more on the situation. I currently think that she is avoiding addressing any of the issues and is running away from the problems.

 

Any advise is greatly appreciated.

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First of all, I'm sorry to hear you've been put into such a situation, especially with someone whom you've been with for such a time.

 

Not having any nearby groups can be a pain, are you in a small town?

 

No Contact isn't the end all solution for every problem, it's designed for you healing, not for getting her back. It gets hyped so much because the idea is that it's a healing process more than a "get your ex" back process. I think it's highly misinterpeted to be honest, or people are so desperate for anything to work that they flock to it.

 

"I really want to address whatever the issues are and improve our communication so we can work through our problems. She dosn't really want to try at all."

 

Very mature of you to say that, it kind of sucks figuring out her side of the 'argument', sometimes, you never really do.

 

Again, I'm sorry to hear of your situation, are you contacting her everyday? Why don't you try a trial period of No Contact, if you're still interested in her back at least, get yourself busy, find a hiking spot, or something that you would think is fun for a short bit, and try it out. That way, if she calls you, you can look like you're doing fine.

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How can you be sure there is no other man involved?

 

From what you wrote I would bet money that there is someone else.

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We were always doing everything together. I don't see how there would have been any time to have a second relationship with anyone else.

 

I am keeping myself as busy a possible, working out, running, sprint training (sprinters have the best bodies you know).

 

One of the hardest things in having to still live and maintain our house. Its a big old house which is a lot of constant work cleaning, maintaining, landscaping etc. I've lost all motivation since there dosn't seem to be a future for us anymore. The house is full of memories and stuff we have collected together over our lives. Every time I come home, I am faced with these memories.

I almost feel like moving out too.

 

She is staying with a friend and living in a new environment with no constant reminders of our life.

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We were always doing everything together. I don't see how there would have been any time to have a second relationship with anyone else.

 

You said you are both professionals. What about at her workplace?

 

I almost feel like moving out too.

 

So why not do it?

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Yes it is possible that she met someone at her work.

 

I don't think it would be responsible to just abandon our home.

 

This is the first major breakup I've ever experienced. It has been the most tramatic thing that has happened to me in my life.

 

I immigrated to the US to be with her from NZ 11yrs ago and basically abandoned my family and friends. The closest thing to family I have her is her family...and it is going to be a little uncomfortable talking to them about this as they will naturally side with their daughter.

 

I feel that we have so much invested in our lives together that it would be very sad if we couldn't at least try to get this figured out.

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Yes it is possible that she met someone at her work.

 

I don't think it would be responsible to just abandon our home.

 

Oh I agree with you it is traumatic all right. I am going through something quite similar with my wife.

 

It couuld be much worse than abandoning your home - imagine if you had kids.

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I can't believe that she seems perfectly fine with throwing in the towel. I don't know if she is having an emotional breakdown behind the scenes, but I seem to be the only one having a real problem with this situation.

 

We spent the last 10yrs getting in a good financial position. travelling the world, having time for sports, hobbies and friends....and now it seems we will need to undo everything we have built up.

 

To me, this whole situation just seem crazy. I don't understand why she dosn't want to try to work it out.

This is the first real issue we have had in our whole marrage. I would be more understanding of the situation if we were travelling down a rocky road, but I thought we had been truely blessed with everything we have done and been able to achieve during the last 10 yrs.

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This is the first real issue we have had in our whole marrage. I would be more understanding of the situation if we were travelling down a rocky road, but I thought we had been truely blessed with everything we have done and been able to achieve during the last 10 yrs.

 

I hear you and sympathize - I am going through the very same thing plus dealing with shared custody of 2 kids. 2 months ago this would have been unimaginable to me.

 

Google "Walk away wife" and it may give you some more insight.

 

I still would bet money that there is another man.

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Perhaps another man would be easier to accept then the lack of logical reasons I'm currently getting.

 

I understand that in any relationship, the door is always open for either party to leave if they so desire. I just had no idea that she was desiring to leave.

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I read the "walk away wife" article.

That could very much sum it up. I wonder if I shoud send her a link to the article. What do you think?

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I read the "walk away wife" article.

That could very much sum it up. I wonder if I shoud send her a link to the article. What do you think?

 

I think that would be counterproductive.

 

Your best bet at this point would probably be to begin counseling by yourself and see if the counselor has any further insight or suggestions.

 

And though some might question the ethics, I would consider accessing her email if you are technically able to do so. I think you would likely uncover evidence of another man. That might well change your response to the situation but in any event would surely give you more insight.

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I understand that in any relationship, the door is always open for either party to leave if they so desire. I just had no idea that she was desiring to leave.

 

Well yes and no. It's surely not proper to have an affair and then leave; it should be the other way around. And surely she ought to have enough commitment to at least go to counseling with you before having an affair.

 

But that said, it seems women often don't think that way - surely it didn't work that way for me either.

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They - or rather mine would almost full out laugh, like our seperation was a joke. I never thought it possible, but yeah, our nieghbor turned out to be the other man. All my life , I've been waiting in different situations for the " what goes around, comes around " thing. Never really happens. 7 yrs. gone - fin - over. It took both of us to get married, and only 1 of us to make this decision. 7 yrs. All I can say, is what I have learned, is that if it is a warm blooded mammal, walks upright on 2 legs, never trust it.

 

I'm so sorry another person has to experiance this. Take care of you - Thats your only option. If I can hold true to my word, I'll never put myself in a position like this again. I should have paid more attention to the little rascals " He - Man Women Haters Club ". I wish you luck, and hope it's just a false alarm for you.

 

Anyway, F karma.

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ate_the_paint

Ya, check her email. Sounds like there's another guy. I know from personal experience. Sorry.

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TrustInYourself

I am the master of the separation. Come to me, I shall teach you.

 

You love her. Great. Time to put those emotions aside and talk to her without a shred of emotion. You're not trying to interrogate, you're trying to listen. Tell her you wish to listen to her perspective on the marriage. There must be some serious problems, so be prepared because you are not going to like what you hear, but you are going to have to hear it.

 

Do not respond or provide a rebuttal to anything she says! Just listen, agree with everything. Nod and look in her eyes and just listen. Ask questions if you feel a real need, but try to limit what you put into the conversation. You want her perspective.

 

Keep in mind, you have no control over her decisions. Now you must focus your mind and body and control your impulses and emotions. Limit contact with her. I know this is hard, but honestly you are going to be retarded until you come to grips with what's happening.

 

Do not do anything impulsive, unless you want to give up on reconciliation. Also, your wife is not going to be acting based on emotions, so prepare yourself for the worst.

 

Consult privately with your lawyer. Get advice from your clergy/spiritual leaders. Read books on improving relationships. Work out. Talk with friends and family. If you don't have friends, go make some. Post here frequently.

 

Get back to me after your wife decides to tell you what's going on. Remember my advice above. Otherwise you are going to get toasted.

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TrustInYourself
Ya, check her email. Sounds like there's another guy. I know from personal experience. Sorry.

 

Don't check her email. Why? She'll tell you if she feels you will listen and not get crazy on her. Invading her privacy is for the weak of mind and heart.

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Don't check her email. Why? She'll tell you if she feels you will listen and not get crazy on her. Invading her privacy is for the weak of mind and heart.

 

She will admit to an affair? Not necessarily at all.

 

If he learns of an affair through email it could shed quite a bit of light on things - not to mention change his legal position in a divorce action.

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TrustInYourself

Also, this situation may or may not involve another man. Does that matter?

 

This should be between you and your wife. You can easily get your wife back if you love her enough and are willing to work through infidelity. If you're not, then you should definitely consider NC and getting ready to manage pain, emotional suffering, regret, remorse, anger, loneliness.

 

It's really all up to you. You may feel like you have no control over the situation, but you have complete control. You have control over your life, your decisions, your heart, your emotions, your actions. If you love your wife, exercise control and patience. Exercise belief that nothing can separate you. Be calm and do not force any confrontations.

 

In the end, you may lose your wife, but if you do as I say, you won't lose yourself.

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I like TIY's advice. Wish I'd have sought out a place like this in the beginning. I myself have made a bad situation worse, by my own doing. Funny you say you're going to be retarded - I used that exact phrase myself. If it is going to be saved, it will take a lot of patience. - A LOT.

 

Mine hasn't given me the thought of trying again, but you may have a chance. If you heed what TIY says. What can you lose that isn't all ready gone, besides your sanity? Hang on to it. You will need it.

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TrustInYourself
I like TIY's advice. Wish I'd have sought out a place like this in the beginning. I myself have made a bad situation worse, by my own doing. Funny you say you're going to be retarded - I used that exact phrase myself. If it is going to be saved, it will take a lot of patience. - A LOT.

 

Mine hasn't given me the thought of trying again, but you may have a chance. If you heed what TIY says. What can you lose that isn't all ready gone, besides your sanity? Hang on to it. You will need it.

 

dead, hope is not lost for any situation. It's a matter of acceptance and a desire to change for the better. It has nothing to do with your wife. She has no power, even by making her decision, she's just escaping. I'm not perfect, no one is. At least by doing what I'm suggesting, you own the situation and understand the process and come out a winner either way.

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dead, hope is not lost for any situation. It's a matter of acceptance and a desire to change for the better. It has nothing to do with your wife. She has no power, even by making her decision, she's just escaping. I'm not perfect, no one is. At least by doing what I'm suggesting, you own the situation and understand the process and come out a winner either way.

 

 

TIY, thanks for the response, and I'm not trying to take attention away from Simon Leons' situation, but I must thank you regardless, as you are the first one to tell me not to lose hope. IDK, I feel LS's situation could be better handled than mine because, it's been a yr. for me, w/ 6 months NC, which makes me think it's done. If he puts a real focus on what your saying, I think he can turn it around. And I don't mean to talk about you like it's not your thread.

 

You will be tempted to act w/ your emotions, try not to. I know what I've done has not helped. I have read, don't believe 80% of what she tells you in anger, and only believe 50% of her actions. She will obviously not be acting prudentley. Listen to TIY, I think that is your best bet. There are no guarantees, but at least you can even the odds a little.

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TrustInYourself
TIY, thanks for the response, and I'm not trying to take attention away from Simon Leons' situation, but I must thank you regardless, as you are the first one to tell me not to lose hope. IDK, I feel LS's situation could be better handled than mine because, it's been a yr. for me, w/ 6 months NC, which makes me think it's done. If he puts a real focus on what your saying, I think he can turn it around. And I don't mean to talk about you like it's not your thread.

 

You will be tempted to act w/ your emotions, try not to. I know what I've done has not helped. I have read, don't believe 80% of what she tells you in anger, and only believe 50% of her actions. She will obviously not be acting prudentley. Listen to TIY, I think that is your best bet. There are no guarantees, but at least you can even the odds a little.

 

One year is nothing. If you initiated the NC then the ball is in your court. Anything can happen. I think once you have mastered yourself, the anger, the fear, the misery, the remorse, the sadness, the loneliness then you are prepared to take the next step. Whether that be with or without your wife. Best wishes.

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ate_the_paint

TIY:

 

I wish I had been lurking around your posts before. Please keep giving advice to everyone here because you make a lot of sense. Some of your ideas just make things snap into place.

 

I feel a lot of empathy for the OP. Your advice will make him feel stronger.

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TrustInYourself
She will admit to an affair? Not necessarily at all.

 

If he learns of an affair through email it could shed quite a bit of light on things - not to mention change his legal position in a divorce action.

 

What divorce action? The one that will go down when you invade her privacy?

 

n9688m, expecting the worse, invading privacy, demanding answers, lack of trust, and displaying no empathy are not traits of a loving person. How can anyone love someone who displays those traits, by taking actions such as those you have listed above?

 

The objective is to win without pain, without anger, without suffering. The objective is to find love again, rejoice, rebuild and reclaim what was once lost.

The objective is to grow as a person, to be more understanding, to be a better person through crisis.

 

Do you want to heal and overcome, or do you want to hurt and suffer feelings of hatred and disgust? Choose for yourself.

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