not wanting a wedding

[allina]

My SO and I have been together for about 2 years. We plan on getting married sometime in the near future which I am thrilled about. We are not yet officially engaged but will be soon and we are not planning on a long engagement. Our future plans have had us discussing wedding plans recently which made me realize just how much I do not want a wedding.

 

I want to marry this man very much, I want the marriage but I do not want a wedding. I want a simple, meaningful ceremony. I don't want a ton of guests, bridesmaids, a $1,000 dress, a gift registry, I don't want any of that sh*t.

 

After giving is some thought I decided on 3 options I would be happy with. One would be going down to the San Francisco City Hall for a civil ceremony, followed by a night out with family and friends. The second would be on the beach in Jamaica (but not at some cheesy tourist resort) And my 3rd option, and I think my favorite would be hiking up in the Himalayas and getting married by some local on a mountain range in our hiking boots. I'm not talking Everest here but a small, beautiful mountain range. Then we would honey moon through Asia.

 

To my surprise my SO's response to my dream wedding was "uhh wouldn't it be difficult to get our entire families out there?" After I explained that I saw no need for family at our wedding my SO said that there is no way that would be acceptable for his parents or even mine.

 

I love my family a great deal, I see them all the time and love spending time with them, I just don't see the need for them to be at the wedding, we can celebrate my marriage when I return home. I know this would be okay with my parents. My bf is also close with his family as well as with my family. However he is certain that his mother would absolutely flip at this idea. I love his mom, I want her to be happy and I want to honor her wishes but I also feel like it's my wedding and my choice. Why should her wishes outweigh mine when it comes to MY wedding.

 

I didn't push the discussion further because there is no rush, I was just surprised that we has such different ideas on the subject.

 

I would like it if some married people on LS could share their wedding experiences. Did you plan the sort of wedding you wanted or did your family have a large say in it? Did anyone elope?

[Nemo]

I do not want

I want

I want

I do not want

I want

I don't want

I don't want

After giving is some thought I decided

I would be happy

my favorite would be

I explained that I saw no need

I know this would be okay

I want

I want

I'm starting to see a pattern...

it's my wedding and my choice.

MY wedding.

Wow, just WOW. Conceited much??!! I suggest you begin to think in terms of "your" wedding. You have this dude by the balls, and he is so whipped. I hope he has some man-juice left by the time you want to start a family. This is extreme selfishness on your part. You are sick!

[allina]

I'm starting to see a pattern...

Wow, just WOW. Conceited much??!! I suggest you begin to think in terms of "your" wedding. You have this dude by the balls, and he is so whipped. I hope he has some man-juice left by the time you want to start a family. This is extreme selfishness on your part. You are sick!

 

You're a f*cking idiot and you make it a point to attack each post from me. If all you're going to do it turn everything I say around stay out of my threads. And when I post about my opinions it's clearly going to be about me

[backto1]

I think you should consider your SO's feelings allina. If your financial situation and career status allows it, you have some interesting ideas but otherwise it sounds like a 12 year old's fantasy. Not trying to be rude or anything but I feel bad for the guy who wants to have a traditional wedding and for you it's either the courthouse or hike the himalayas...

[allina]

I think you should consider your SO's feelings allina. If your financial situation and career status allows it, you have some interesting ideas but otherwise it sounds like a 12 year old's fantasy. Not trying to be rude or anything but I feel bad for the guy who wants to have a traditional wedding and for you it's either the courthouse or hike the himalayas...

 

I absolutely care about my SO wants. His input in this is just as important as mine. He doesn't want a traditional wedding but he feels like it's expected of us. Hiking in the Himalayas isn't a fantasy, it's completely within reach and will cost less than the typical American wedding that i want to avoid.

 

What I am looking for is some input from people who have eloped or got married to be married not to throw an elaborate party to please family and friends.

[underpants]

How about a compromise?

 

Do the elope thing for you two.

 

Then have a small family and friend reception with cake and punch to announce the happy event.

 

They might be a little peeved, but they should get over it.

 

It should be about you and your man. Not anyone else.

 

If the parent thing was not an issue what would he want? If he really wants the parent's there then maybe you should do the civil thing for them and then head off to Jamica or the Mountains and do your own thing.

 

Weddings are stressful, expensive and tend to bring out the worst in everyone. Usually over seating arrangements or napkin colors. You will never please everyone, especially when there is a long engagement and everyone gets to give their opinions as to how your (and his) union should be celebrated.

 

You can always hit Vegas.

[ShoeGirl]

I can't speak from my own experience since I am not married but one of my cousins was planning on flying to where he fiancé was stationed in the army and getting married by the river with as little family as possible (the perfect ceremony for her and her husband). Our whole family was throwing a fit that they weren't having a traditional wedding, they ended up having their perfect ceremony then 6 months later having a "wedding" for the family, to this day her mom, his parents and I are the only ones that know that they were married 6 months earlier than their wedding.

[Trialbyfire]

allina, it depends on who's paying. If both sets of parents are paying, they have the right to state some preferences. If you're self-funding, the two of you should have full say.

[porter218]

You should go with the Jamaica idea. I did that and it was beautiful!!! Not cheesy at all. My wedding was the most picture perfect wedding I have seen. If he want the parents there you should do it at those Sandals resorts you can invite guests, and it is so much less stress then a wedding in the states. The guests can either stay at the same resort as you or buy a day pass for the wedding for about $100 per person.

[johan]

When I get an invitation, what is it going to be an invitation to?

[HYS]

You can't make everyone happy so do whats right for you and your future hubby! IMO weddings nowadays are rediculously expensive and over the top. Jamiaca or some other island would be a nice compromise so family and close friends may attend if they want.

[porter218]

http://www.sandals.com/general/wedding.cfm

check it out. These weddings really aren't that expensive because you are already paying for the honeymoon with them. And the best thing is they plan every detail for you.

[quankanne]

a good compromise would make everyone happy – what about the small intimate "get it over quickly" exchange of vows with both sets of parents in attendance? Because like you, 16 years ago I totally hated the idea of a big production when all I wanted was to just be married – over and done with ceremony – with my husband!

 

so we drove up to the courthouse in a southern Tenn. county with his mom accompanying us, then back down to Birmingham to celebrate with his mom and two sisters. Part two of the plan was to plan a proper Catholic church ceremony with *my* family in attendance, but I'm embarassed to say that we haven't gotten that far yet!

 

still, I was completely thrilled that he allowed our day to be low-key, because I'm the type that hates waiting and hates big productions.

 

keep talking to him and tossing around ideas – you'll eventually come up with something that'll make the both of you satisfied.

 

as far as the "partying," you can always plan a kick-butt reception to celebrate with friends and family after your private vow-exchange.

[paperthinheart]

My SO and i have decided that neither of us want a big production wedding... we dont want to pay for a huge wedding, and neither of us want the hassle... we can afford an amazing large wedding, but its sooo stressful... He isnt religious and i dont really want a religious ceremony... We made the decision to go the one of the sandals resorts in the carribean... some friends of ours went to the one in jamaca and it was wonderful... we are just gonna let the people we love and who we want at the wedding when and where it is at and if they want to be there, they can be...

 

 

 

good luck!

[Woggle]

Why not have the wedding that both of you want and then throw a party for the families. It doesn't have to be a big production.

[Walk]

I just had a civil ceremony wedding, and I was pleasantly surprised by it. My parents said they'd be really upset if I didn't invite them to the wedding so we chose to go with the civil ceremony instead of eloping to a far away location.

 

The judge was very nice, the setting was kind of cool since it was right in the courthouse. The cost of the wedding couldn't be beat. I paid $11 for my dress (which was just a regular dress, but white), and my hubby paid $8 for a very nice italian suit. It cost us $20 for the marriage certificate, and $10 for the judge to marry us. And the ceremony was long enough to make it feel "real", yet short and painless.

 

Afterward, we had dinner with the family, and went out with our friends the following day.

 

I've had the super big, delux wedding before and I think it's a huge waste of time and money. Up until that point, I'd always imagined that the big wedding would be ... magical. But you don't get any time to talk to your friends and family, you don't get to really interact with them on a one on one basis, the actually ceremony itself ends up being very long because you paid the person to officiate it a bunch of money so you feel like they better dang well make it worth the money, it's boring to your guests, and it doesn't make a dang bit of difference on whether the marriage will work out or not.

 

The Himalaya wedding sounds unique, but I have to question what purpose it serves for the both of you. Does your fiance love to hike too, and is his dream to hike the Himalayas? If not, then it sounds like a fun adventure, but not suited for a joint venture where you're promising to put your SO first no matter what.

 

My suggestion: Have a small ceremony with the family, then have a fun honeymoon. If you don't like that idea, then how about eloping, and when you get back have a small wedding ceremony for friends and family to witness? Or bringing along just the parents to where ever you choose to have the wedding at?

 

The wedding itself isn't really about you, or your fiance, it's for the family. Its a chance for them to feel like they are a part of the joining of BOTH families.

[vander]

The wedding itself isn't really about you, or your fiance, it's for the family. Its a chance for them to feel like they are a part of the joining of BOTH families.

 

I think this is right on target.

 

I can totally identify with you. I'm the bride, but I don't want a wedding. I want to get MARRIED, but I don't want the multi-thousand dollar party.

 

It feels so awkward. Usually the woman is the "bridezilla" ... but this is the other way around. You never hear about "groomzillas" much. (Not that my fiance is a groomzilla -- he simply has always wanted to have a wedding. There's nothing wrong with that!)

 

Although I will be doing 99% of the planning, organizing, and coordinating for this stupid party that I couldn't care less about, it's something that he and our families have dreamed about their entire lives.

 

He has always dreamed about wearing the black tux and sweeping the bride off her feet. His parents have always dreamed of the day when they see their proud son at the alter, with a bride at his side. My dad has always dreamed of walking me down the aisle. My mom has always dreamed of making my bouquet and watching a wonderful man take me into his life in loving arms.

 

They all have dreams, and I can make them happen. Or I can deny them. It's not very often I have the chance to make someone's dreams come true ...

 

So I'm choosing to look at the wedding as a gift to them. Yeah, it's going to be a right pain in the neck, and at some point I'll get stressed out and grow resentful. But I better not let anyone know or it will ruin the wedding. It's all about them.

 

But maybe, just maybe, I'll look back years later and be grateful for the experience. And if it fulfills a dream for him and for our families, that's priceless. "Hey I did that!"

[quankanne]

the ceremony was … short and painless.

 

and I think this is probably the best thing about eloping, we were married lickety-split and not having to deal with the trappings of socializing. Not that the socializing part is bad in any way, just something I wasn't comfortable with.

 

poster also said something I've noticed about weddings: The bride and groom are so busy trying to make contact with each and every guest that they really DON'T get to focus on those people, and that seems kind of harsh (same can be said about funerals and greeting those people who come to pay their respects, I'm always worried that I've missed someone, and therefore offended them by not taking the time to talk with them after they've driven all that way).

 

but that's just ME – do what YOU feel comfortable with, Allina!

[kladia]

Could you have a small, frugal, but more traditional ceremony, perhaps in one of your parent's churches or a garden or farm nearby? Then maybe a potluck reception at the same site? You can keep it simple and not spend a lot of money or make a lot of bruhaha (ex. you have an "asile" to walk down, but no wedding party etc.), but the family can see your vows and then you can go honeymoon somewhere exotic. I have a friend who's doing that. Simple dress, farm someone in her family knows about, and a pig roast afterwards. They have no money, but they were able to throw this together somehow, so I'm sure if you look around you can find a compromise.

[porter218]

Could you have a small, frugal, but more traditional ceremony, perhaps in one of your parent's churches or a garden or farm nearby? Then maybe a potluck reception at the same site? You can keep it simple and not spend a lot of money or make a lot of bruhaha (ex. you have an "asile" to walk down, but no wedding party etc.), but the family can see your vows and then you can go honeymoon somewhere exotic. I have a friend who's doing that. Simple dress, farm someone in her family knows about, and a pig roast afterwards. They have no money, but they were able to throw this together somehow, so I'm sure if you look around you can find a compromise.

 

That reminds me of my parents wedding. My parents just used their "wedding savings" to buy a house together and had a small ceremony in the backyard of their new house. It was informal but nice. My mom had on some sort of indian dress that didn't cost an arm and a leg. Then the reception was right there in the same spot, it was potluck with a keg of beer. Everybody enjoyed it and they had a house to show for their money instead of an elaborate wedding... no regrets.

[tanbark813]

I love his mom, I want her to be happy and I want to honor her wishes but I also feel like it's my wedding and my choice. Why should her wishes outweigh mine when it comes to MY wedding.

 

Because it's not YOUR wedding, it's your and your bf's wedding. And if he wants his parents there you should respect his wishes.

[sfsassy]

I'll tell you what my mom and (step) dad did. They had been together like 16 years when they got married. Due to well my stuff associated with my medical insurance, they had to wait until I was 21 to get married. They live in SF. My mom had no desire for 8 braidmaids, a overpriced dress or fancy jewerly. Well they got married with my two sets of grandparents, aunt, and two great aunts at a ceremony in Quebec City at their city hall. Then the great aunts and I went on the honeymoon with them (16 years and all!) I was their Maid of Honor, and the grandparents were witnesses. Then like 3 weeks later we had a gorgeous reception with about 80 people at the Maritime Museum in SF. My parents and I still loved good food, and beautiful scenery. It was all formal enough to be elegant, but not overblown. The dress my mom got was very pretty, but not overpriced . And the fact is my family did like the idea of a party. My parents didn't have the garter belt, bouquet of flowers thing . (I think she gave the flowers to me) If I remember correctly they had cake and toasts but it was more about us as a family unity, and my mom's 40th, my 21st, and less terribly lovey dovey. I freely admit I'm a bit more traditional (as my mom constantly teases me about, lol) but I still don't want something ostentatious. I however will not have family on my honeymoon:)

[allina]

Because it's not YOUR wedding, it's your and your bf's wedding. And if he wants his parents there you should respect his wishes.

 

Ok this is getting frustrating. I think a lot of people are missing what I was trying to say. This is in no way a struggle of what I want v what my bf wants. I am aware that it is his wedding as well as mine. He loved my ideas but after giving it a second thought realized that this would not be ok with his family.

 

I am all about family, his and mine. I have no issue with family being at the wedding if that's what HE wants. What I am trying to understand is why and how is this an obligation. I do not understand why it's a big deal to not have a family wedding. Again, I spend tons of time with my family and love them dearly, but feel no need to have them in/at my wedding. My parents would be thrilled for me either way, they wouldn't mind if we eloped.

 

I'll tell you what my mom and (step) dad did. They had been together like 16 years when they got married. Due to well my stuff associated with my medical insurance, they had to wait until I was 21 to get married. They live in SF. My mom had no desire for 8 braidmaids, a overpriced dress or fancy jewerly. Well they got married with my two sets of grandparents, aunt, and two great aunts at a ceremony in Quebec City at their city hall. Then the great aunts and I went on the honeymoon with them (16 years and all!) I was their Maid of Honor, and the grandparents were witnesses. Then like 3 weeks later we had a gorgeous reception with about 80 people at the Maritime Museum in SF. My parents and I still loved good food, and beautiful scenery. It was all formal enough to be elegant, but not overblown. The dress my mom got was very pretty, but not overpriced . And the fact is my family did like the idea of a party. My parents didn't have the garter belt, bouquet of flowers thing . (I think she gave the flowers to me) If I remember correctly they had cake and toasts but it was more about us as a family unity, and my mom's 40th, my 21st, and less terribly lovey dovey. I freely admit I'm a bit more traditional (as my mom constantly teases me about, lol) but I still don't want something ostentatious. I however will not have family on my honeymoon:)

 

That sounds lovely

 

And to address a few comments from others:

 

I am not expecting family to pay for my wedding but I know they would want to help with the cost. Their reason for helping would not be so that they could control things but to help their child.

 

And to the person that suggested the small wedding in a church or farm, I appreciate your input, those were sweet ideas. But as a die-hard atheist who has never been on a farm or ever plans on it they weren't the best fir for me

[sally4sara]

Since the groom's family is traditionally only obligated to pay for the rehearsal dinner (if there is one at all), the flowers, and tux rental, I find it odd that the future MIL would pitch a fit if there is no big frou frou traditional wedding. That would be like feeling justified to force the bride's family into expenses that only the groom's family feels a need for.

If the groom's mom wants this event so bad then she should be willing to pay for the lot of it. She might as well have her own wedding again and re-new her vows with the groom's dad since it seems to only be important to her. It sounds like she didn't get this out of her system enough with her own wedding or wasn't satisfied with how her own wedding went off.

I'm with the OP on this one. Have the wedding you and your fiance really want.

[porter218]

I am all about family, his and mine. I have no issue with family being at the wedding if that's what HE wants. What I am trying to understand is why and how is this an obligation. I do not understand why it's a big deal to not have a family wedding. Again, I spend tons of time with my family and love them dearly, but feel no need to have them in/at my wedding. My parents would be thrilled for me either way, they wouldn't mind if we eloped.

 

This is not an obligation. At the end of the day we are talking about YOUR wedding, not his families wedding. I personally feel like you should plan whatever your heart desires for your wedding, and if it is soooo important for them to be there then they can worry about making that happen. It is not like you are banning his family from your dream wedding, right? If you want to get married somewhere far away they can come if they want to right? Have you ever thought about that?