not wanting a wedding

[Nemo]

But as a die-hard atheist who has never been on a farm or ever plans on it

I think we can all tell that you've never had to get your hands dirty, and have lived a life of great privilege. This is probably where the selfishness stems from, and, to be honest, you must have been a very spoiled child. Anyway, let's hope your to-be hubby doesn't suddenly grow some 'nads, and you will continue to be easily able to dominate him. He's a very lucky guy.

[porter218]

I think we can all tell that you've never had to get your hands dirty, and have lived a life of great privilege. This is probably where the selfishness stems from, and, to be honest, you must have been a very spoiled child. Anyway, let's hope your to-be hubby doesn't suddenly grow some 'nads, and you will continue to be easily able to dominate him. He's a very lucky guy.

Oh dear god.

Allina and her bf agree on the the weddings they like, Nemo. We are talking about what his parents want. That is the biggest load of cr*p about her being selfish:rolleyes:. She isn't trying to railroad her bfs wants.

[sally4sara]

I think we can all tell that you've never had to get your hands dirty, and have lived a life of great privilege. This is probably where the selfishness stems from, and, to be honest, you must have been a very spoiled child. Anyway, let's hope your to-be hubby doesn't suddenly grow some 'nads, and you will continue to be easily able to dominate him. He's a very lucky guy.

 

What is your issue? Always assuming the worst possible implications you can twist words into. A person could work their entire lives in the Cleveland salt mine and never venture to a farm. Or be a neurosurgeon, work on a crabbing boat, lay concrete for a living - all without having ever stepped foot on a farm.

Its like you skim posts till you find a suitably vague sentence and arrive at some negative conclusion to berate the poster with. What need does this feed for you? Cause I can't see how it offers advise or beneficial input to the thread in anyway, so it must be for you somehow.

[stillafool]

I can understand you wanting to do your own thing and not have to worry about families getting angry if it's making you happy. However, some parents have this need to be involved in everything their children do. This is a big step for their son and they want to see him take it. I don't understand this but I'm no one's parent so I wouldn't know what that type of love is. My first marriage was a big production and I was so tired of smiling and greeting people I felt the whole thing was done for everyone else besides us. My current h and I went to Vegas (by ourselves) got married and had the time of our life. No stress. His family did not like it one bit, but.....oh well! He had had a huge wedding the first time also.

[tanbark813]

I am all about family, his and mine. I have no issue with family being at the wedding if that's what HE wants. What I am trying to understand is why and how is this an obligation. I do not understand why it's a big deal to not have a family wedding. Again, I spend tons of time with my family and love them dearly, but feel no need to have them in/at my wedding. My parents would be thrilled for me either way, they wouldn't mind if we eloped.

 

Your parents are probably the exception. I would bet that the vast majority of parents--especially mothers--would be disappointed if they weren't allowed to attend their child's wedding.

[hotgurl]

What I am trying to understand is why and how is this an obligation. I do not understand why it's a big deal to not have a family wedding.

 

Because it is a rite of passage. And one of the few remaining rite of passages we still celebrate. Marriage is a big moment in people lives and like every big moment most families want to be there.

 

 

That being said you shouldn't have a big white wedding is you don't want to. It is a lot of stress, expense and planning.

 

I always have wanted a wedding with all the traditional bells and whistles but not overstated.

 

And boy let me tell you it two weeks until the wedding and I am so stressed and busy.

 

 

You lie in San Fransico there must be lots of places to have a nice quiet ceremony. What about that JApenses Tea house in the garden over there?

 

Or do what my boss did. He had a simple ceremony and than invited his 8 guest to a nice resturant for dinner afterwards.

 

MY JP had said she married a couple with just thier family on top of a local mountain here and they had a picnic receptiona fterwards.

[corazoncito]

Why not have a civil ceremony at the courthouse (the rotunda is a beautiful setting) where the families can attend, and then go have your own private ceremony in the Himalayas or Jamaica just the two of you?

 

You may need to have a civil ceremony in the US anyway for it to be legal. Even though my husband is a foreigner and we live outside the US, we decided to get married in the US (courthouse wedding. Parents invited but couldn't come due to the money and distance) because it was so easy to get legally married there. Where we live and where he's from both have incredibly complicated laws with legal residency requirements for legal marriage (I imagine it would be even more complicated for two foreign tourists). Plus, having your marriage certificate issued in English by California will make life much easier for you down the line. Otherwise you may need the document apostilled by the country of origin and translated for a fee.

[sb129]

 

To my surprise my SO's response to my dream wedding was "uhh wouldn't it be difficult to get our entire families out there?" After I explained that I saw no need for family at our wedding my SO said that there is no way that would be acceptable for his parents or even mine.

 

I love my family a great deal, I see them all the time and love spending time with them, I just don't see the need for them to be at the wedding, we can celebrate my marriage when I return home. I know this would be okay with my parents. My bf is also close with his family as well as with my family. However he is certain that his mother would absolutely flip at this idea. I love his mom, I want her to be happy and I want to honor her wishes but I also feel like it's my wedding and my choice. Why should her wishes outweigh mine when it comes to MY wedding.

 

Allina, snap- a little.

 

As someone who was in your exact frame of mind, I know how you feel about this.

My dad banged on and on about how weddings are a huge waste of money, he told Wonderboy not to bother proposing (as a joke kind of) and how he would rather help us out buying a house.

 

Wonderboy and I discussed it before we actually got engaged, just the way you are doing now, and decided that we would like to get married on a beach in Zanzibar, as neither of us wanted a big wedding, and thought that having money towards a house would be great.

 

Fast forward to the engagement. You guys aren't actually engaged yet, and i can't tell you how much difference that made to both sets of families.

 

My parents knew about our engagement before I did, and were absolutely beside themselves with excitement. When I announced it to them, my dad said "Oh sh*t I guess I have to pay for a wedding now", and I said, no its OK.

 

Something happened between that conversation and now. My dad has done the biggest U-turn of his life, and now they practically insisted that seeing as I am their only daughter, that I do it "properly", and they will pick up the tab.

 

So we are having a low- key, but "proper" wedding.

 

Wonderboys mum bought her outfit before I got my dress, and our families are all very excited and happy.

 

This is about them as much as it is about us.

 

Someone gave me this advice :

 

 

The wedding itself isn't really about you, or your fiance, it's for the family. Its a chance for them to feel like they are a part of the joining of BOTH families.

 

and it is so true. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot by p*ssing off your SOs family. (or yours for that matter). thats not to say you have to do everything THEY want, but....

 

 

I spend tons of time with my family and love them dearly, but feel no need to have them in/at my wedding. My parents would be thrilled for me either way, they wouldn't mind if we eloped.

I am not expecting family to pay for my wedding but I know they would want to help with the cost. Their reason for helping would not be so that they could control things but to help their child.

 

How would you feel if one of your siblings did what you are suggesting? Do you think you would be cool with it?

 

have you actually discussed this with your parents? I think its a little rough to expect that they would contribute financially, but wouldn't necessarily be invited!!!

 

Your parents are probably the exception. I would bet that the vast majority of parents--especially mothers--would be disappointed if they weren't allowed to attend their child's wedding.

 

 

allina, it depends on who's paying. If both sets of parents are paying, they have the right to state some preferences. If you're self-funding, the two of you should have full say.

 

I agree with this too.

 

You know, our wedding isn't going to be exactly as I had imagined, but I accept that its not just me that its about. My fiance definitely didn't want this kind of wedding, but he is rolling with it as long as its a strictly non-religious day, which is fine by me.

I am actually coming round to the idea and am getting quite excited about it, and it hasn't been stressful at all so far.

 

Its all very well to assume that your family may feel one way or another, but believe me, i did exactly the same thing, and was rather surprised to find that when the ring was actually on my finger, they didn't feel that way after all....

[konfuzd]

A lot of parents dream of their children's wedding. They are welcoming a son-in-law into their family as much as you are welcoming a new husband, so it is their day as well.

 

Who is paying for the wedding? Are you and your husband exclusively picking up the entire tab, or are the parents pitching in?

 

In any case, a wedding in a public park is cheap. The venue & flowers are free. There is no need to go traditional. You can wear whatever you choose. My cousin recently got married in a dress she bought at the mall for $60 and the groom and groomsmen wore plaid shirts and jeans. The bridesmaids were told to wear red dresses, but picked them out themselves.

 

If you really want to go to the himalayas, you could always honeymoon there.