onmyownagain Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Just found out STBXW has a boyfriend and has for a while now. Daughter was told not to tell me but said she couldn't keep it from me. Been six months and I had assumed there would be someone, but it does feel a bit strange. Not sure how I feel about it to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Well, the bf situation is to be expected. BUT telling your daughter to keep secrets from you no matter what they are , needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. This can become habit for divorced parents , and a terrible one that causes many a problem. It's not your daughter's responsibility to keep secrets from or for either of you . I would bring this up with your STBXW and make it an issue in the divorce if need be. Seriously, Mom telling your daughter to hide her bf's existence from you could very plausibly turn into Mom telling daughter not to disclose her meth addiction to you . Its just a matter of degrees and habit formed. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Gotta agree with Tink, your STBXW advising your wife to lie about her relationship with the BF is not a good thing. Boyfriends/Girlfriends are the norm when people break up. Usually they are present before the break up. You will have to just suck it up and ignore it as best you can. Believe me, it happens to everyone here. Good luck, Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Daughter was told not to tell me but said she couldn't keep it from me. I would try to find an article or book about how this type of thing can be harmful to children of divorce, and give it to STBX...without specifically mentioning that Daughter has "broken a confidence". And/Or. At least ensure Daughter understands that SHE did not do anything wrong in telling you...Mom's request was just a little misguided and probably intended so that you would not feel hurt (whatever is age-appropriate and helps to keep your daughter's world as orderly and peaceful as possible.) Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I would tell the STBXW. I know about the bf. Who cares we're getting a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Just found out who her boyfriend is, he works with her and I have actually been out with him and lots from her company in the past. She did talk about him before the split, makes you wonder if something was perhaps going on before. Interesting! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Most likely. As it has been said before, women typically do not emotionally move on without thinking of someone else or having someone else. What's your reaction? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 OMOA, I'm in a retrospective mood today, so I'll ramble a little. As others have said, and others will undoubtedly say in the future your wife's actions were predictable. Most women leaving a relationship have a replacement waiting in the wings. There are as many reasons for this happening as there are people's opinions. Regardless, it's predictable. I learned this lesson when my 25 year marriage went up in smoke. I've also seen versions of it while dating in the past seven years. When a dating relationship I was in came to an end, (over the protests of the lady) I was amused (truely amused) to find that she had another BF and was both engaged and married three months later. I thought it was funny. She actually thought I would be jealous! When the situation happens to you again, and the probabilities are that it will, you will be better prepared (hopefully). I was born 58 years ago. The things I learned about relationships growing up are no longer relevent. Many adults today conduct their lives like High Schoolers did 40 years ago. Sally doesen't break up with Billy until she knows that Tommy will be inviting her to the Prom. That's just the way it is. In my case, the rules have changed enough that I am not sure I will be able to adjust. So it goes. Unless a true blue princess is out there who brings out my best, and can overlook my faults, I'll probably be the old guy who has a cat, a little boat, and an empty bucket at the end of a relaxing day of fishing. Guess that ain't so bad after all. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Just found out who her boyfriend is, he works with her and I have actually been out with him and lots from her company in the past. She did talk about him before the split, makes you wonder if something was perhaps going on before. Interesting! I will tell you that my Exwife knew her current husband before our divorce and I "wondered" about it too.. At the end of the day, it didnt really matter (years later). He has a daughter that is around my daughters age and they are quite close, and they have since had 2 other children that I am like an uncle to.. The bigger picture, I have played golf with her H and he has gone on a golf trip or 2 with me as well... Too many other things in life to worry about.. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 The bigger picture, I have played golf with her H and he has gone on a golf trip or 2 with me as well... Too many other things in life to worry about.. I have heard that sort of story before and it really puzzles me. How long after the divorce was it before you felt this way and were able to play golf with him rather than dreaming about his demise? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I have heard that sort of story before and it really puzzles me. How long after the divorce was it before you felt this way and were able to play golf with him rather than dreaming about his demise?[/quo After they got engaged I decided to take him out on the golf course where I was the Pro.. Basically a "man to man" talk amongst a couple of beers and in a "friendly" environment. I knew he had a daughter (he was divirced too) and basically told him what I "expected" from him.. Best thing I could have ever done. Wasnt easy, but it had to happen.. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Best thing I could have ever done. Wasnt easy, but it had to happen.. Why did it "have to happen"? Many people to NC with their ex or limited contact if there are kids. Why must you ever have contact with the OM? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I have heard that sort of story before and it really puzzles me. How long after the divorce was it before you felt this way and were able to play golf with him rather than dreaming about his demise?[/quo After they got engaged I decided to take him out on the golf course where I was the Pro.. Basically a "man to man" talk amongst a couple of beers and in a "friendly" environment. I knew he had a daughter (he was divirced too) and basically told him what I "expected" from him.. Best thing I could have ever done. Wasnt easy, but it had to happen.. I'll tell you why. Cause this guy is the man!! Way to go, bro. That's awesome that you can put all the crap behind you. I could see myself doing this as long as the guy my wife meets is awesome for her and good to my daughter. Wow, that's crazy to say, since I'm not even divorced yet. LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Why did it "have to happen"? Many people to NC with their ex or limited contact if there are kids. Why must you ever have contact with the OM? well again, I was not SURE that he was an OM.. And it did me no good to know for sure. What would it really have changed for me? And here I sit 15 years later with basically a bigger FAMILY. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 well again, I was not SURE that he was an OM.. And it did me no good to know for sure. What would it really have changed for me? And here I sit 15 years later with basically a bigger FAMILY. Do you get him a tie for christmas? Vice versa? Haha. Just joshing ya. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Do you get him a tie for christmas? Vice versa? Haha. Just joshing ya. nah.. he likes bath stuff.. j/k We have shared alot of wine and cigars though. Sent some back and forth over the years.. In fact one year we were all in Dallas staying at the same hotel, and I had a case of some very expensive wine that had been sent to my room by a client (like $100 per bottle) and we were having some and he started to say, "Hey, I just want you to know, that me and EXW were not involved when you two divorced." I said, you know what, even if you were, "clink of the 2 glasses of wine" I dont care at this point. I appreciate all that you are to my two girls (EX and daughter)" "double clink" Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 nah.. he likes bath stuff.. j/k We have shared alot of wine and cigars though. Sent some back and forth over the years.. In fact one year we were all in Dallas staying at the same hotel, and I had a case of some very expensive wine that had been sent to my room by a client (like $100 per bottle) and we were having some and he started to say, "Hey, I just want you to know, that me and EXW were not involved when you two divorced." I said, you know what, even if you were, "clink of the 2 glasses of wine" I dont care at this point. I appreciate all that you are to my two girls (EX and daughter)" "double clink" You are amazing Stamp. Either the best man I have ever heard of... or the dumbest. Enjoy the rest of your life buddy. You've earned it. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I appreciate all that you are to my two girls (EX and daughter)" "double clink" But all that time he spends with your daughter is dad-daughter time that otherwise you might have been spending. How does that not eat you up alive? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Big props. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 But all that time he spends with your daughter is dad-daughter time that otherwise you might have been spending. How does that not eat you up alive? Because HE is in the same boat, so there is a respect that he has for the situation, that neither of us can control. And he has NEVER "played Daddy" to my daughter.. AND SHE IS MY DAUGHTER and I AM HER FATHER Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 Most likely. As it has been said before, women typically do not emotionally move on without thinking of someone else or having someone else. What's your reaction? Hi, was annoyed at first but doesn't really mattter, he is not what you would call a catch. Anyway, last night I spent most of the evening in bed with a very lovely lady, so who am i to is complain.:-) Link to post Share on other sites
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