Saw My Ex Today

[Ariadne]

Yes, sistah! You're with me! Is so good!

 

 

 

Many times God will not give you divine knowledge on who you "are" supposed to be with...

 

but he'll give you divine knowledge on who you are "not" supposed to be with.

 

Amen sistah.

[Art_Critic]

Thanks. I thought I was already there. Why did I need this?

 

 

Johan.. you have no idea what you need.. that is why you have Storyrider here to help you

[Ariadne]

Thanks. I thought I was already there.

 

Hahaha!...

[johan]

Johan.. you have no idea what you need.. that is why you have Storyrider here to help you

 

Think so? Any chance you can spill the secret then, Story? I've been in this spot for a while, and it would be nice to sort of move forward a bit.

 

I'm ignoring the feelings, for the most part. So I can amuse myself. There is that burning feeling inside that won't go away. It's nearly as hard to realize that she doesn't love me as it is for me to abandon my love for her. I'm too sentimental for that.

[Storyrider]

Thanks. I thought I was already there. Why did I need this?

 

Johan.. you have no idea what you need.. that is why you have Storyrider here to help you

 

Did that come across as condescending? I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that I feel that way too, and I'll bet lots of people feel that way, and there definitely seems to be some kind of conspiracy, in fact, but not against Johan alone.

[Touche]

Many times God will not give you divine knowledge on who you "are" supposed to be with...

 

but he'll give you divine knowledge on who you are "not" supposed to be with.

 

Amen sistah.

 

Oh yeah. You and bruthah Johan popped in my mind when I heard that one. That was good.

 

Amen to that sistah.

 

Our dreams must be stronger than our memories. We must be pulled by our dreams, rather than pushed by our memories.

Jesse Jackson

[Ariadne]

Oh yeah. You and bruthah Johan popped in my mind when I heard that one. That was good.

 

Amen to that sistah.

 

Amen sistah.

[johan]

Today was mostly good.

 

Certain thoughts won't leave me alone. If I let them get any traction in my mind at all, they push me under, and I start to struggle again.

 

I am having a hard time with the death of love. Having no contact with her for so long allowed me to create my own explanations for what happened, and I didn't have to see the love die. But I've seen it now.

 

I have to find a way to deal with it. Like I said, today was ok. Until the thoughts settled on me. There is a battle going on in my head for my heart.

 

I feel normal and content when I remember that she doesn't love me, and it's not my fault, and there isn't anything I can do about it, she may never love anyone because of how she is. Her history before me wasn't one of strong relationships full of love. They were of weak relationships ultimately condemned by her drastic, selfish actions. Moving, leaving and showing little commitment, never allowing much intimacy or connection. Frustrating men to the point of rage, like she even did to me until I determined to overcome that.

 

I feel dark and sad and repulsive when I remember that she doesn't love me, but she may be falling for someone else. And that guy may be the one who wins her heart. And I am the last guy in the line to fail. She has taken her love from me and given it to him, and maybe she has dusted off her heart for real this time. But she didn't do that for me. She's able to dance happily into her future, feeling adored. And I stay here in my dull life that never fulfilled her.

 

I convince myself that she has changed for the better and is able to offer a complete woman to a new man who is not me. I earned it. But I don't get the payoff. I have to deal with her not loving me. I have to explain to myself how I could be acceptable in spite of that. How can I be loved by anyone, when the person who knew me so well never did? How can I open up knowing I'm really just volunteering to go down the same cold path again. Hopeful at first. Frustrated later. Desolate in the end.

 

This is how my ups and downs go. I'm trying to stay up. I'm not at square one. I'm functional and able to engage with people. I'm able to do the things I need to do in my life. I'm eating and sleeping ok. I feel ok with things much of the time. But not all of the time. I'm probably at square two.

[D-Lish]

She has taken her love from me and given it to him, and maybe she has dusted off her heart for real this time. But she didn't do that for me.

 

Come on J... You can't internalize her own short comings and make them your issues.

 

You did everything you could do to overcome the issues she presented.

 

It doesn't hurt less to think of it this way- but you did everything in your power to affect the relationship positively. It was she that couldn't pull it together and allow herself a chance at real love. Seriously J... by your own admission, what else could you have done?

 

You're kicking yourself for being unable to connect with someone that just isn't able to connect. Trust me, down the road, when you meet someone you can truly connect with- you'll feel a much stronger sense of fullfillment.

 

You do need to stop being so down on yourself about this... SO many people post about what they could or should have done differently to save a relationship. You did all the right things. It isn't you- IT NEVER WAS YOU J. You have internalized her problems as your own and taken on that burden for far too long.

 

I mean this in the friendliest of ways... I think it's time to let go. You deserve so much more than what she was capable of offering you - or probably more fitting- incapable of offering you.

 

You couldn't have done anything differently- she's not going to change.

However, YOU my friend... do have that ability to make a real connection with someone.

[sunshinegirl]

I think many of us worry that our exes will change and be different for the next person in their lives. It's a crushing thought and strikes right at our own self-esteem issues, particularly for those of us that have any kind of savior/fix-it fantasies ("my love and/or our relationship can inspire them to change"). I know I'm suffering a bit from the same thoughts with my current ex.

 

But I also know, from past experience, that my former partners really haven't changed very much from who they were when I dated them. I worried that they would 'transform' for the next person...but they didn't. Sure, one of them has since married, but he married one of the coldest, most sourpuss negative women I've ever met. Which was shocking yet very telling: I had spent months convinced that he had met a brilliant Barbie-doll type woman that was 'better' than me in all ways. Well, duh. That he ended up with Ms. Sourpuss tells me that he didn't change...or at least not in ways that would have attracted someone like me (or better than me) to him.

 

I don't know if that helps...but D-Lish is most likely right that your ex isn't going to change and simply isn't going to be able to connect to anyone.

[johan]

You're right that I shouldn't take responsibility for her problems. When I go through the process of thinking things through, I compulsively approach the issue from all sides. Some sides are completely demoralizing. I would prefer not to look at every side. I'd prefer to know which one is the right one. But because I have to admit that I don't know the real truth of the issue, I don't know which side that is. So I just keep circling the problem until I settle on something that I can have faith in.

 

You couldn't have done anything differently- she's not going to change.

However, YOU my friend... do have that ability to make a real connection with someone.

 

I have no evidence of that. But I really do appreciate the faith you and others have in me. It's like telling an Eskimo that there are places where there are palm trees and beaches. And he should feel warm, because he could be there. But he's not there, and he only feels cold.

[northstar1]

Today was mostly good.

 

Certain thoughts won't leave me alone. If I let them get any traction in my mind at all, they push me under, and I start to struggle again.

 

I am having a hard time with the death of love. Having no contact with her for so long allowed me to create my own explanations for what happened, and I didn't have to see the love die. But I've seen it now.

 

I have to find a way to deal with it. Like I said, today was ok. Until the thoughts settled on me. There is a battle going on in my head for my heart.

 

I feel normal and content when I remember that she doesn't love me, and it's not my fault, and there isn't anything I can do about it, she may never love anyone because of how she is. Her history before me wasn't one of strong relationships full of love. They were of weak relationships ultimately condemned by her drastic, selfish actions. Moving, leaving and showing little commitment, never allowing much intimacy or connection. Frustrating men to the point of rage, like she even did to me until I determined to overcome that.

 

I feel dark and sad and repulsive when I remember that she doesn't love me, but she may be falling for someone else. And that guy may be the one who wins her heart. And I am the last guy in the line to fail. She has taken her love from me and given it to him, and maybe she has dusted off her heart for real this time. But she didn't do that for me. She's able to dance happily into her future, feeling adored. And I stay here in my dull life that never fulfilled her.

 

I convince myself that she has changed for the better and is able to offer a complete woman to a new man who is not me. I earned it. But I don't get the payoff. I have to deal with her not loving me. I have to explain to myself how I could be acceptable in spite of that. How can I be loved by anyone, when the person who knew me so well never did? How can I open up knowing I'm really just volunteering to go down the same cold path again. Hopeful at first. Frustrated later. Desolate in the end.

 

This is how my ups and downs go. I'm trying to stay up. I'm not at square one. I'm functional and able to engage with people. I'm able to do the things I need to do in my life. I'm eating and sleeping ok. I feel ok with things much of the time. But not all of the time. I'm probably at square two.

 

Johan

Why does she keep moving? Where does she go all the time?

[inulg]

I think many of us worry that our exes will change and be different for the next person in their lives. It's a crushing thought and strikes right at our own self-esteem issues, particularly for those of us that have any kind of savior/fix-it fantasies ("my love and/or our relationship can inspire them to change"). I know I'm suffering a bit from the same thoughts with my current ex.

 

But I also know, from past experience, that my former partners really haven't changed very much from who they were when I dated them. I worried that they would 'transform' for the next person...but they didn't. Sure, one of them has since married, but he married one of the coldest, most sourpuss negative women I've ever met. Which was shocking yet very telling: I had spent months convinced that he had met a brilliant Barbie-doll type woman that was 'better' than me in all ways. Well, duh. That he ended up with Ms. Sourpuss tells me that he didn't change...or at least not in ways that would have attracted someone like me (or better than me) to him.

 

I don't know if that helps...but D-Lish is most likely right that your ex isn't going to change and simply isn't going to be able to connect to anyone.

 

*squeal*

 

YAY!!! lol yeah i'm fantasizing about all the crap i put up with, hes finally going to turn into gold once he meets someone else... lol i think the only thing that will hurt is when he decides to marry someone else over me... because he was always too afraid to commit to THAT decision...

[sunshinegirl]

You're right that I shouldn't take responsibility for her problems. When I go through the process of thinking things through, I compulsively approach the issue from all sides. Some sides are completely demoralizing. I would prefer not to look at every side. I'd prefer to know which one is the right one. But because I have to admit that I don't know the real truth of the issue, I don't know which side that is. So I just keep circling the problem until I settle on something that I can have faith in.

 

I do something similar - analyze things from every possible angle, hoping one of the explanations will eventually settle in as the 'truth' of what happened. Some of the angles are extremely painful, like confronting the "worst case scenario" which in my case is that the hooch my ex left me for has some ability to unlock his emotional unavailability and inspire him to communicate voluntarily and regularly...when I seem to have failed on both counts. I think it's part of the healing process - bracing yourself for even worse news than simply the fact that they don't love you (enough) to stay in the relationship. That being said, in none of my prior relationships has my worst case scenario ever come true...and no one who knows my ex thinks he's going to miraculously change habits of mind and behavior that are at least 15 years old. Still, the obsessive thinking remains.

 

You're not alone, johan. Best wishes.

[D-Lish]

You're right that I shouldn't take responsibility for her problems. When I go through the process of thinking things through, I compulsively approach the issue from all sides. Some sides are completely demoralizing. I would prefer not to look at every side. I'd prefer to know which one is the right one. But because I have to admit that I don't know the real truth of the issue, I don't know which side that is. So I just keep circling the problem until I settle on something that I can have faith in.

 

 

 

I have no evidence of that. But I really do appreciate the faith you and others have in me. It's like telling an Eskimo that there are places where there are palm trees and beaches. And he should feel warm, because he could be there. But he's not there, and he only feels cold.

 

Okay, fair enough. But just because the Eskimo has never sat under a palm tree drinking Pina Coladas doesn't mean that it would be an enriching experience.... probably just outside the realm of his thinking until he actually meets a cool palm tree.

[Ariadne]

It's like telling an Eskimo that there are places where there are palm trees and beaches. And he should feel warm, because he could be there. But he's not there, and he only feels cold.

 

I love the analogy.

 

I just hate it when they tell me there is someone else out there with whom I'm going to be happy.

 

Wth!? I don't care! I rather be alone forever than some idiot that I don't even know.

 

(ok i'm pissed today)

[johan]

I think many of us worry that our exes will change and be different for the next person in their lives. It's a crushing thought and strikes right at our own self-esteem issuesI don't know if that helps...but D-Lish is most likely right that your ex isn't going to change and simply isn't going to be able to connect to anyone.

 

I know that's probably true. I have to somehow get to the point where it makes no difference to me. I'll get to a point where the waves of depression go away. And I'll be back to where I was, not thinking much about her and just focused on the things I care about. I should admit though that I really won't be over her, or over the ones before her, until I've met someone who shows me that those relationships never mattered. And if that never happens, then I may never be able to feel at ease.

 

Johan

Why does she keep moving? Where does she go all the time?

 

She has left good relationships in the past to move long distances. It's not like she's a nomad, but her great moves have involved leaving relationships behind. And those guys cared about her. (Idiots)

 

*squeal*

 

YAY!!! lol yeah i'm fantasizing about all the crap i put up with, hes finally going to turn into gold once he meets someone else... lol i think the only thing that will hurt is when he decides to marry someone else over me... because he was always too afraid to commit to THAT decision...

 

He may do that. My ex may marry someone, too. That's a step she wouldn't take with me. She wouldn't take it with the guy before me either. They were engaged. He had to lose her, just like I had to.

 

You're not alone, johan. Best wishes.

 

Thanks! LS is good for these times.

 

Okay, fair enough. But just because the Eskimo has never sat under a palm tree drinking Pina Coladas doesn't mean that it would be an enriching experience.... probably just outside the realm of his thinking until he actually meets a cool palm tree.

 

He needs a hula girl.

 

I love the analogy.

 

I just hate it when they tell me there is someone else out there with whom I'm going to be happy.

 

Wth!? I don't care! I rather be alone forever than some idiot that I don't even know.

 

(ok i'm pissed today)

 

I'm glad to see that you've done some moving on of your own. If it sticks I'll have to admit that I didn't give you enough credit.

[Citizen Erased]

He needs a hula girl.

 

I'm here for him in his time of need. ;)

[D-Lish]

Well in my opinion, too many of us stifle opportunities to meet a valuable person because we spend more than our fair share of time feeling sorry for ourselves and pining for those that aren't worthy of our love and attention. So many of us do that on the board.

 

We spend a lot of time telling one another that they deserve better, but haven't really internalized those same thoughts ourselves.

[johan]

Well in my opinion, too many of us stifle opportunities to meet a valuable person because we spend more than our fair share of time feeling sorry for ourselves and pining for those that aren't worthy of our love and attention. So many of us do that on the board.

 

We spend a lot of time telling one another that they deserve better, but haven't really internalized those same thoughts ourselves.

 

Yes, I agree. That's a hard thing for many people to do. I get stuck feeling sorry for myself sometimes. It takes a lot of effort to stop. It also takes quite a bit of introspection to realize that's actually what I'm doing. There is a line where you cross from being naturally bummed out about circumstances to just holding yourself down.

[johan]

I'm here for him in his time of need. ;)

 

That would really help him forget all his troubles. You are so amazingly selfless.

[Citizen Erased]

That would really help him forget all his troubles. You are so amazingly selfless.

 

I truly am. Someone has to do it. I'm only too happy to provide my hula ah...service.

[Ariadne]

------------------

[CaliGuy]

Johan,

 

I used to struggle with the same thoughts of inadequacy that you are struggling with now. I've been the "runner up" several times to women who ended up marrying other men. At first it really bothered me because I felt as if I had some shortcomings that left me to be seen as undesirable to these women.

 

In reality it wasn't all me. They also had shortcomings that led to a non-productive relationship. Whatever the reason they couldn't find love and happiness with me, it does not mean that I will not be loved or valued by someone else. And that is what you need to stick into your mind.

 

The more you struggle with this, the more you over-analyze whatever your perceived shortcomings are, the longer it will take for you to find the RIGHT woman for you. And that's really what it comes down to. When a relationship doesn't work, it's often because we try to fit square pegs in round holes.

 

Stop worrying about the square pegs. You'll miss the round hole that's coming around the next corner (no pun intended)

[johan]

Thanks, CaliGuy. It's pretty hard to rise above all the rotten thoughts I have. I'm sure you know how that is.

 

I felt like hell all day today. Not that I was thinking about it all that much, because I've been under a lot of pressure to get a lot done at work. But it was under the surface, and I had that burning feeling inside. Nasty little thoughts worked their to the surface to jab me back into little bouts of misery.

 

I thought about her with someone else, being happy and loving and having all the bliss that I struggled for for so long. I imagined her being perfect and him being absolutely beyond happiness like I would have been if she had been able to provide that kind of intimacy to me.

 

I get sick of feeling that way, and when I came home somehow I got onto the idea that 1) she's leaving him, too, and that doesn't indicate any changes for the better, 2) I could actually find someone I'm excited about, 3) I could actually find someone who is excited about me. I even visualized this person. Pretty, cute, sweet, fun, funny, loving, sexy, likes to do the things I like to do, classy, and able to give love and closeness.

 

What am I thinking, right? But I felt better when those more positive thoughts came to me, however that happened. Wish I had control over my own brain.