Saw My Ex Today

[johan]

And really, for Johan's own piece of mind, I recommend that he does. I think we're all fully expecting a no...

 

That seems like a strange thing to say. It's actually offensive.

 

I can't, in the few days she has left here, determine whether she has changed so that marrying her would look like a good move. I love who she could be, but that hasn't actually been offered to me.

 

Ocean-Blue, you say:

I accuse my bf of not loving me enough. I tell him he'd leave me at the drop of a hat if certain situations presented themselves. I am hot and cold with him. There are days when I tell him that I'm utterly unsure of how I feel. There are days when I can't really connect with him or give him the true, deep, profound love that he deserves.

 

I am aware that I am lacking. But thus far, I've cleverly been able to project my own issues unto him... I don't mean to do it. I don't play mind games with him for the hell of it. But I struggle at times to deal with my inability to feel something...

 

It hasn't been easy for him. So, for what it's worth, I somewhat understand where you're coming from. She's lucky to have your love.

 

You're right, she was lucky to have it. And you're lucky to have the love of your boyfriend. I suggest you don't take it for granted.

 

Then you ask:

While reading your posts in this thread, some questions popped up. Do you think she has changed at all? How is it that you were able to go on for two years? You say she didn't love you enough. How do you know she doesn't feel that way? Why didn't you contact her in those 2 years if she was the love of you life? Why didn't you fight harder? Why didn't you try to help her face whatever demon she had?

 

Me personally, I want to know he'll fight. Tooth and nail. For me. Why didn't you?

 

Don't you know I fought for her? For over three years I fought.

 

You should realize, like I did, that maybe similar to your boyfriend, I was the only one fighting for that relationship. She only seemed to fight against it. And for how long do you think I should have continued? Another month? Another year? Another decade? How long should I have waited for her to finally accept my love and return it? In normal circumstances, that's really just the start of a relationship.

 

I love her. But I can't sell out for her anymore. She knows how I feel, what I have to offer, my relationship status, and where to find me. If she had changed, and if she loved me, she'd be calling me. If she wanted to marry me, then I would think she'd at least consider it worthwhile to make an effort. She has to know I would do my part.

[CaliGuy]

That seems like a strange thing to say. It's actually offensive.

 

It's not meant to be offensive, Johan. It's a reality should you ask her. If she says yes, that is AWESOME but be prepared for a no.

 

I can't, in the few days she has left here, determine whether she has changed so that marrying her would look like a good move. I love who she could be, but that hasn't actually been offered to me.

 

If you're not sure, you're not sure. What I saying is that if you let her walk away and say or do nothing, you may end up regretting it later. You're obviously still not over her and that's ok. But if there's a shot, take it. Who knows how it will end up, but at least you gave it a shot instead of just letting her get away....

 

I love her. But I can't sell out for her anymore. She knows how I feel, what I have to offer, my relationship status, and where to find me.

 

Does she really!?

 

If she had changed, and if she loved me, she'd be calling me. If she wanted to marry me, then I would think she'd at least consider it worthwhile to make an effort. She has to know I would do my part.

 

Maybe she's just as stubborn as you? Food for thought....

[johan]

She moved a few days ago. She left the state and moved far away. I have to say I feel relieved. I feel free now. I don't have to think "what if", or worry about whether I might run into her somewhere. I don't have any regrets.

 

Diving back in to my unresolved feelings for her, trying one last time to figure out what went wrong, brought me the answers I needed. You could call it closure, but I just call it luck. Because I only stumbled upon the answers. If I hadn't I could still feel miserable and wish I hadn't seen her again.

 

Things wouldn't have worked out with her. My gut was telling me not to pursue her anymore. But my mind was turning the problem around and around trying to find the right answer. It contradicted my intuition as often as not, and that just left me with a lot of conflict.

 

If I hadn't found that book, I'd still be looking for answers. And I appreciate how much feedback I got from everyone here. I appreciate that a lot.

 

I do wish things would have worked out differently. But I have to wish back a long way to the point where things got off track. Because the majority of our relationship was spent trying to fight through arbitrary barriers of fear and anger created by her. By wishing for better, I'd like to wish all that away. None of it was good for us.

 

Maybe it was good for me in some way I don't know about. As things stand, I'm just older and have been completely stalled in my personal life. I feel like I'm behind schedule, and I wonder when or if I'll even get started.