Saw My Ex Today

[kizik]

Happiness and misery are both temporary. Our exes will only be happy with someone else for finite amount of time, just as we will grow unsatisfied with our next partners. Call me cynical, but at this point I truly do believe that Rs have a life cycle.

[johan]

Of those things I listed:

Pretty, cute, sweet, fun, funny, loving, sexy, likes to do the things I like to do, classy, and able to give love and closeness.

 

My ex was:

Pretty, cute, sort of sweet, kind of fun, sometimes funny, rarely loving, pretty sexy, likes to do the things I like to do, not very classy, and rarely able to give love and never closeness.

[johan]

Happiness and misery are both temporary. Our exes will only be happy with someone else for finite amount of time, just as we will grow unsatisfied with our next partners. Call me cynical, but at this point I truly do believe that Rs have a life cycle.

 

Cynicism can also come and go. If you found someone you thought was wonderful, that would probably erase your cynicism. Or else it would cause you to put it away for a while.

[Citizen Erased]

Of those things I listed:

Pretty, cute, sweet, fun, funny, loving, sexy, likes to do the things I like to do, classy, and able to give love and closeness.

 

My ex was:

Pretty, cute, sort of sweet, kind of fun, sometimes funny, rarely loving, pretty sexy, likes to do the things I like to do, not very classy, and rarely able to give love and never closeness.

 

Come on J, that is a pretty hard list for anyone to measure up to.

[johan]

Come on J, that is a pretty hard list for anyone to measure up to.

 

Think so? Which items do you think are over the top?

[Citizen Erased]

Think so? Which items do you think are over the top?

 

Not over the top as such, I just can't see someone constantly being like that. Everyone has their bad days.

[johan]

I don't remember the word "constantly" in my description.

[Citizen Erased]

I don't remember the word "constantly" in my description.

 

Fair enough.

[johan]

Do I seem like the type to have unrealistic expectations or to be shallow about women? Maybe you prefer that I just feel like crap constantly without delusions of better.

[Citizen Erased]

Do I seem like the type to have unrealistic expectations or to be shallow about women? Maybe you prefer that I just feel like crap constantly without delusions of better.

 

No you do not. Just forget it J.

[johan]

Someone advised me today that I should make a grand gesture and run to her and ask her to marry me. I gave it some thought, and it made me doubt myself, but I don't think that makes any sense to do.

 

I can't just write off the craziness that I had to endure. I can't be trying to read her mind about what she wants, thinking maybe there is some magic move I could make that would fix it all. I'm definitely in no state to go proposing marriage, considering I have no idea whether she has actually changed. Signing up for the same gut-wrenching trials seems like a foolish move. We could start slowly maybe, so that we could take the time to test the foundation.

 

I'd consider making such a move maybe if I could be sure that our problems were all caused by me, and all her crap was just a response to something I was doing wrong. And if she told me that we could move on if I'd stop doing those things. But it wasn't because of me. I can really only blame myself for hanging on the hook for as long as I did, as if I could never find a more satisfying relationship.

 

Maybe the fact that I haven't found one is the reason why this has bothered me so much. And maybe this is a reminder to me that I could be out there actually dating. I could find someone I can have a complete relationship with. In theory.

 

I've been torturing myself with the idea that she has changed, and that the problems we faced were past. And that we could actually have a healthy relationship now. But that's a myth. She didn't love me enough for that regardless of her insecurities. The evidence is in the fact that she admitted it all, so she knows. And if those issues have passed, she didn't contact me trying to reestablish contact. And she wasn't interested once we did get back in touch.

 

If your insecurities caused your relationship with the love of your life to end, it seems like you would do something about it. It seems like you'd try again after you had put the problems aside. Especially knowing that the door would be open if you really wanted to walk through it. It's the love of your life after all, and wouldn't you put your pride aside to start life with your favorite person? If you can't, are you a suitable partner? If you don't want to, shouldn't you leave them alone?

 

So there is no going back for me. I'm not going over there on my knee to resume the battle. I'm kind of sorry to have to face that. But I can look forward to something better in the future. In theory.

[kizik]

Someone advised me today that I should make a grand gesture and run to her and ask her to marry me.

 

Whoever suggested this obviously does not understand 1)you, 2)your R, 3)your exgirlfriend, and possibly 4)breakups and/or love.

 

I can't just write off the craziness that I had to endure. I can't be trying to read her mind about what she wants, thinking maybe there is some magic move I could make that would fix it all.

 

Nope, and that's exactly what you'd be doing your entire "marriage."

 

She didn't love me enough.

 

There it is, right there.

[sailing]

I can't just write off the craziness that I had to endure.

 

But it wasn't because of me. I can really only blame myself for hanging on the hook for as long as I did, as if I could never find a more satisfying relationship.

 

Maybe the fact that I haven't found one is the reason why this has bothered me so much.

 

 

We seem to share an aquatic vessel. In theory.

[johan]

I did nothing today. Zero. This is how I act when I'm depressed and have things on my mind that distract me from thinking about the things I really want to do. Or actually remove the desire to do anything at all.

 

All day I fought off thoughts of how bad I'm screwing up by not chasing her. I tried to sleep, but I wasn't always tired. I posted here. I read. But the thoughts buzzed around me all day.

 

It has only just occurred to me that getting back together would be really difficult. I've had those experiences where you start to try again, and as soon as you settle in, you think "oh, I remember this part. This was the part I didn't really like." Not long after that the whole thing disintegrates again. And you forget those parts you didn't really like, and only remember the parts you did like. Aka, torment.

 

God, please let me hang onto these times when I see the whole picture clearly and completely. Take away the mornings. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want my life. Sure maybe I'm stupid, but isn't it the innocent kind of stupidity? Why do I have to live life like this? What are you trying to prove?

[carrotgirl]

If your insecurities caused your relationship with the love of your life to end, it seems like you would do something about it. It seems like you'd try again after you had put the problems aside. Especially knowing that the door would be open if you really wanted to walk through it. It's the love of your life after all, and wouldn't you put your pride aside to start life with your favorite person? If you can't, are you a suitable partner? If you don't want to, shouldn't you leave them alone?

Johan? Whose insecurities are you asking about here?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I've been torturing myself with the idea that she has changed, and that the problems we faced were past. And that we could actually have a healthy relationship now. But that's a myth. She didn't love me enough for that regardless of her insecurities. The evidence is in the fact that she admitted it all, so she knows. And if those issues have passed, she didn't contact me trying to reestablish contact. And she wasn't interested once we did get back in touch.

Okay.

One edit: She didn't love me enough then for that regardless of her insecurities.

 

And one reminder: Things change.

 

She admitted it all, so she knows, so to me, that suggests some change on her end. Unless you've asked the other questions directly and aloud, you're doing her part of the conversation for her. Always a mistake for me.

 

I'm not suggesting you try again. Only wondering if perhaps it's worth talking more to ease your spirit?

 

Carrot

[CaliGuy]

Johan, just one piece of advice from me. If you love her and really want her, ask her to marry you. At least that way, even if she says no, any doubts would be erased from your mind and you won't live with regret.

 

I know this goes against EVERY rule out there, but in hindsight, I did it and at least I can say I did so and now I can't really call myself a "chicken bleep". I can call myself crazy, derainged, silly, stupid and all those other things.

 

But at least I can say, I still have my family jewels. Not saying you don't have yours, but sometimes in this life you have to take a chance on what you want the most.

 

And like I said, even if she says no, you won't have to live with regret.

 

Cheers.

[shadowplay]

Ran into her and her daughter at the grocery store. It's been over 2 years since I saw either of them. It didn't feel awkward though.

 

She looked a little older and she had no makeup. They happen to be moving away in a couple of weeks, so it's kind of a weird thing to run into them now. Sort of like God saying "you should at least see each other again." I thought maybe they had moved away already.

 

I don't feel devastated or bad about things. I feel a loss. I still love her, I know that. I thought I saw love in her eyes as well. I know the relationship we had was really difficult, and that was because of all the fear and insecurities between us, and I think that most of it was her. And if none of that has changed, then I can't say that I'd try again with her. But if I thought that time and maturity had healed us and maybe the constancy brought a deeper trust, then I'd marry her tomorrow. I always felt that way, and it's exactly how I feel now. Nothing has changed.

 

I told them I'd like to take them out before they left. And they agreed. I kissed her on the cheek as we parted. It was an impulse. Probably not wise, but it happened.

 

I really do miss them. I miss her. I will miss her.

 

Aw. That was hard to read. You sound like you were a good boyfriend. I know you've drawn some parallels between my relationship and yours, and I agree that my behavior and problems are similar to your ex's...but I think you're a better person than my ex was in that you have more compassion/empathy. You're clearly a sweetheart, and I mean that in the best way possible because truly good guys (not just faux nice ones) are hard to find.

 

You actually remind me of my ex ex ex, who loved me a great deal and still does...and put up with my insecurities for too long.

 

It sounds like you really love/loved her and tried hard to work things out. That it didn't was no fault of your own, but you already realize this.

 

I hope you don't build up an emotional wall preventing another, more healthy woman from entering your life.

 

Do you think part of the reason you loved her was because she was so hard to reach?

 

It's a small consolation, but I'd like to offer you a virtual hug. (((((Johan))))) Feel better.

[johan]

Aw. That was hard to read. You sound like you were a good boyfriend. I know you've drawn some parallels between my relationship and yours, and I agree that my behavior and problems are similar to your ex's...but I think you're a better person than my ex was in that you have more compassion/empathy. You're clearly a sweetheart, and I mean that in the best way possible because truly good guys (not just faux nice ones) are hard to find.

 

Thanks, Shadow. That was a really nice thing to say.

 

You actually remind me of my ex ex ex, who loved me a great deal and still does...and put up with my insecurities for too long.

 

Why aren't you with him? What kind of guy would have a successful relationship with you?

 

It sounds like you really love/loved her and tried hard to work things out. That it didn't was no fault of your own, but you already realize this.

 

I hope you don't build up an emotional wall preventing another, more healthy woman from entering your life.

 

Do you think part of the reason you loved her was because she was so hard to reach?

 

Maybe that's part of it. She was a challenge for sure. She didn't play games though. She was always honest. I won't go into a diatribe of all the things I remember loving about her, but it went much deeper than the normal "want what you can't have" reflex.

 

Your hugs are always welcome. I'm ok today. Still just thinking things through. Recommendations like CaliGuy's keep me on the fence, wondering if there is something can or should do. I haven't decided yet. Getting together with her wasn't meant to turn into getting back together with her.

[CaliGuy]

Your hugs are always welcome. I'm ok today. Still just thinking things through. Recommendations like CaliGuy's keep me on the fence, wondering if there is something can or should do. I haven't decided yet. Getting together with her wasn't meant to turn into getting back together with her.

 

Sorry bro, but I just think you're going to regret it later on down the road if you let her leave (and I think you did already) and do nothing. Regret is much harder to deal with then taking a chance and failing, IMHO.

[sunshinegirl]

Sorry bro, but I just think you're going to regret it later on down the road if you let her leave (and I think you did already) and do nothing. Regret is much harder to deal with then taking a chance and failing, IMHO.

 

And if johan follows your advice and she says "yes"? Careful what you wish for...their relationship wasn't entirely peachy...

[CaliGuy]

And if johan follows your advice and she says "yes"? Careful what you wish for...their relationship wasn't entirely peachy...

 

I don't think she will, but if she does say yes then I'm sure the two of them can work their issues out. I would suggest pre-marital counseling to start

 

And if she says no, then he can walk away with his head held high knowing he now doesn't have to live with "what if????"

[sunshinegirl]

I don't think she will, but if she does say yes then I'm sure the two of them can work their issues out. I would suggest pre-marital counseling to start

 

And if she says no, then he can walk away with his head held high knowing he now doesn't have to live with "what if????"

 

I don't understand your advice. To most people you encourage them to celebrate the fact that they dodged a bullet. I have yet to see you advise someone to chase down their "what if" scenario. And from what I understand, there is evidence here that johan's ex lacks the emotional maturity to be in a healthy, mutually giving and loving relationship with him. Yet you are encouraging him to blindly chase her and just trust that premarital counseling will solve the problem(s)?

[CaliGuy]

I don't understand your advice. To most people you encourage them to celebrate the fact that they dodged a bullet. I have yet to see you advise someone to chase down their "what if" scenario. And from what I understand, there is evidence here that johan's ex lacks the emotional maturity to be in a healthy, mutually giving and loving relationship with him. Yet you are encouraging him to blindly chase her and just trust that premarital counseling will solve the problem(s)?

 

I pretexed that advice with a statement that said something along the lines of "this goes against the grain.." What you don't understand is I have been in Johan's shoes before. Just the simple fact that he's "thinking" he should have asked her before she left tells me that he should ask her, if only to get rid of the "what if's" later on in life.

 

I did it and have no regrets. At least I got my "no" (though she gave me a backhanded no; she said "If you're asking me right now, the answer is no…" lol). Either way, I don't have to live with wondering if I had asked her, what she might have said.

 

And really, for Johan's own piece of mind, I recommend that he does. I think we're all fully expecting a no...

[Ocean-Blue]

johan, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. Much of what you wrote resonates with me. Like Shadow, I can draw some parallels b/w your relationship with your ex and my relationships (with my ex and my current bf). It's not easy being involved with someone who has a missing (or temporarily broken) intimacy button.

 

I accuse my bf of not loving me enough. I tell him he'd leave me at the drop of a hat if certain situations presented themselves. I am hot and cold with him. There are days when I tell him that I'm utterly unsure of how I feel. There are days when I can't really connect with him or give him the true, deep, profound love that he deserves.

 

Sometimes I feel like an imposter. A pretender.

 

I am aware that I am lacking. But thus far, I've cleverly been able to project my own issues unto him... I don't mean to do it. I don't play mind games with him for the hell of it. But I struggle at times to deal with my inability to feel something...

 

It hasn't been easy for him. So, for what it's worth, I somewhat understand where you're coming from. She's lucky to have your love.

 

While reading your posts in this thread, some questions popped up. Do you think she has changed at all? How is it that you were able to go on for two years? You say she didn't love you enough. How do you know she doesn't feel that way? Why didn't you contact her in those 2 years if she was the love of you life? Why didn't you fight harder? Why didn't you try to help her face whatever demon she had?

 

Me personally, I want to know he'll fight. Tooth and nail. For me. Why didn't you?