Chris Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 Five years ago I was screwed over by my Fiance (now X-fiance). Out of all the women on the earth she happened to be Satan. (My luck) haha. Now, when ever a girl I am dating tries to get close, I get sick.......not a figure of speech either. When a woman talks about commitment I get sick to my stomach and try to change the subject quickly. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend because she told me she loved me. How can anyone possibly think that a marriage will work in this day and age. Just look at all the bazaar statements dealing with marriage on this site. People committing adultery, people getting abused, couples unhappy, couples getting divorced, Fighting over kids, fighting over money, she wont let me do this, he wont let me do that.......Am I the only one that sees it all? Is everyone so blinded by this thing they call love that they cant see that they are either 1. doomed for a divorce or 2. committed to eternal unhappiness? There. haha. Link to post Share on other sites
don_guyus Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 Marriage isn't all bad. You get a discount on your auto insurance if you're married. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 1. "I just recently broke up with my girlfriend because she told me she loved me." Sounds like as good a reason as any to me. 2. "How can anyone possibly think that a marriage will work in this day and age." It's pretty hard but it can work. If people pay attention to those they attract and the two work at it, a marriage can turn out OK. However, today there is a lot of selfishness that seems to fester inside relationships. When people put up adds in the personals, they never say what they are willing to do for the other person...the say what they want the other person to do for them. The only way marriage can work is if it's between two people who love each other who are also open minded, forgiving, committed, honest, compatible in beliefs about religious, financial, child upbringing and other issues, etc. etc. It doesn't happen very often. There are some who say that passionate love is natures way of sucking two people together for purposes of procreation. There may be some merit to that. However, things in life are what we make them. If we pay attention to the people we attract...I mean really pay attention....and nurture a relationship with the right person, then marriage can be the happiest state in the entire universe. Conversely, marriage to the wrong person can be a living hell. 3. "Just look at all the bazaar statements dealing with marriage on this site. People committing adultery, people getting abused, couples unhappy, couples getting divorced, Fighting over kids, fighting over money, she wont let me do this, he wont let me do that.......Am I the only one that sees it all?" People come here to get advice about problems. But there are millions who are happy and/or content with their relationships and have nothing to ask of us. You can judge the institution of marriage on a very small fraction of people who bring their problems to this forum. 4. "Is everyone so blinded by this thing they call love that they cant see that they are either 1. doomed for a divorce or 2. committed to eternal unhappiness?" People long to be loved. People long for a soulmate. People want to find that special person. They are not blinded as much as they are hopeful that things will work out. I don't think marriages are doomed for divorce, although a lot end up that way. I don't think people who are married commit themselves to eternal unhappiness, although that can happen if they're not careful. Marriage is not easy. I am amazed at how many people seek partners out at bars when they are plastered out of their minds with alcohol and expect those they meet to make promising lifetime mates. If people take the time to find the right person and learn more about relationships and what it takes to keep them alive and kicking, a lot more people would be very happy in long term marriages. Life is just going too fast today and many people want success without paying their dues or paying the price. It's sad...but people who have sucking relationships probably have them coming because they just didn't pay enough attention along the way. Don't give up...the right person is out there for you...I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 People long to be loved. People long for a soulmate. People want to find that special person. They are not blinded as much as they are hopeful that things will work out. That's one of the problems. People want it so much, they sometimes try to hammer-and-tongs a relationship together which really has no chance but they WANT it so much... It's a difficult trap to avoid. I am amazed at how many people seek partners out at bars when they are plastered out of their minds with alcohol and expect those they meet to make promising lifetime mates. Well, to be fair, not everybody in a bar gets 'plastered'. I have known a few couples who did meet in bars; though admittedly they tended to be people who didn't go out to bars often but got persuaded to do so by friends. Still, anything's possible! A pal of mine married a guy who she started trading jokes with when we all went to a movie together. He was two rows ahead. Less likely than finding someone in a bar, but it worked! Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 AM I JADED Yes you are JADED! Sounds like you are ruled by every external thing, other than your own life! Five years ago I was screwed over by my Fiance (now X-fiance). Yes, we all have been SCREWED OVER by an ex! Out of all the women on the earth she happened to be Satan. (My luck) haha. Yes you poor guy, you of all people, IT happens to most believe it or not, a lot of ex-satans running around. I understand the PAIN! BUT just understand that she was OBVIOUSLY not the one for you! This was not a personal attack against you. Now, when ever a girl I am dating tries to get close, I get sick.......not a figure of speech either. When a woman talks about commitment I get sick to my stomach and try to change the subject quickly. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend because she told me she loved me. COMMITMENT PHOBIA! Please get over this, this is not healthy. GO and see someone or go to your local book store and buy a book on it and read up on how you can heal this. If you don’t want to get over it then stop dating cos you will continue to break girls hearts like you had yours broken and end up creating MORE Commitment Phobic people and hence more TO-BE ex- satans will be created, GET IT! Vicious cycle! GET IT? How can anyone possibly think that a marriage will work in this day and age. Just look at all the bazaar statements dealing with marriage on this site. People committing adultery, people getting abused, couples unhappy, couples getting divorced, Fighting over kids, fighting over money, she wont let me do this, he wont let me do that....... This is a forum that people come to share their issue, in hope of advice, healing or just to get it off your chest. If we didn’t have storied such as the ones you mention then this would not be a LOVE ADVICE FORUM. Look, you can be sure of ONE thing in life... where there is dark, there is light, where there is evil, there is good SO where there are divorces there are also NO divorces. Make sense! The coin has two sides. Don’t by in to the dark and doomed side! Am I the only one that sees it all? No your not, your just the only one that wants to buy it all, your not trying or wanting to be creative enough to make your LIFE different to others. Is everyone so blinded by this thing they call love that they cant see that they are either 1. doomed for a divorce or 2. committed to eternal unhappiness? Umm no, we can all see quite well. Let me ask you this... HOW can you be so sure that we are ALL doomed for divorce? that we are all committed to eternal unhappiness... I don’t know about you BUT I am…. 1. NOT DOOMED TO DIVORCE and 2.NOT COMMITTED TO ETERNAL UNHAPPINESS. Instead I am doomed not to divorce and am ALSO doomed to ETERNAL HAPPINESS! You are a VERY negative person. How do you expect to attract good and change your life if you are so very cynical. We are not doomed for anything its just that people want to love so much that they don’t take the time to sometimes REALLY asses someone and say, well I may love her BUT she is not MS RIGHT! It’s ok to say that, instead we give it all over to someone and then realize that they are not the one. Its part of learning, so the people you talk about that divorce etc.. it was just their lesson, doesn’t mean it is also yours. Get with the program man, get positive, do you want to find love or not? What is REALLY the issue here? You want so much to find someone that it is easier to say that everyone is doomed, over thinking that you might never meet someone you like again, is that right? Are you that scared of being abandoned again? Well like I said, if you want to stay with this HORRIBLE state of mind then go for it, LET SATAN win! Your call man, BUT don’t ruin other sweet girls lives. BE A MAN NOT A MOUSE. Don’t let other girls PAY for something someone did to you once! Its over... GONE... DON’T WITH.. MOVE ON, GET OVER IT! There. haha. YES THERE! ~PurpleAngel~ Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 [font=arial]Just wanted to say a few more things. I agree with Tony when he says there is someone else out there for you! There is!!!! You just need to be in the right frame of mind AND be open to it. I want to share something with you that i would like you to ponder... Cynicism is not realistic and tough. It's unrealistic and kind of cowardly, because it means you don’t have to try. -- PEGGY NOONAN I wish you GOOD LUCK! ~PurpleAngel~[/font] Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 I disagree with your quote about cynicism. Being a cynic doesn't mean not trying, it ust means being realistic about your chances of succeeding. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 yes: I disagree with your quote about cynicism. Being a cynic doesn't mean not trying, it ust means being realistic about your chances of succeeding. Succeeding! You have a funny (cynical) opinion of succeeding then yes. I believe that you can only fail when you STOP trying, so looking at it this way there is no reason not to succeed, its up to us! Being realistic is knowing that we cannot control everything OR when thing will happen BUT the reality is we are in control of us trying to achieve. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 Trying is ridiculous unless you have some confidence of succeeding. I mean trying to marry the Queen of England may be a great goal, and you may spend your life TRYING, but you better get realistic and stop early on. Being cynical means not being idealist, picking your goals wisely, and realizing that you may well not get what you wanted. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 WHO WOULD WANT TO MARRY THE QUEEN??? He, he, he!!! How do you know it is impossible??? Have you spent your life trying??? He, he, he... I prefer not to assume something I can never know can or can’t happen! You will never know yes! NEVER SAY NEVER! Well then in regards to this POST I don’t believe that wanting to find someone nice to spend your life with and not divorce and trying to achieve it is IMPOSSIBLE! That is being realistic! But perhaps I am the deluded one! I prefer to be of a positive frame of mind than always wanting to find out how I can find flaws in something that requires me to push myself to discover the light within myself. But that’s just me, not for everyone to believe and have faith! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris Posted July 26, 2003 Author Share Posted July 26, 2003 ....I would like to say thank you for all the replies. This is my first time on this site and it seems pretty cool. But I must say, there must be a form of mass delusion in the world. With all the divorces in this country, what makes anyone think that they have the special power to make a marriage work? What makes them better than anyone else? Do they know some secret that we don't know? And even if a marriage could be made to work, who says they will be happy together? I'm not saying that someone in a relationship has to be evil for it to fall apart.......I am sure several relationships fall apart just because they are incompatible or don't love each other. So here is the deal, it comes down to this.........Its a gamble. No one really knows ahead of time whether a marriage will work AND be happy in it. I don't know the statistics but I am sure the chances of that happening would be close to 1 in 20. Which brings me to this......what are the stakes? In my case, the stakes are high because when the X-Fiance screwed me over I felt like someone was crushing my heart and it did't stop for years. So does that mean I have to go through that another 19 times before I end up marrying the right one? Thats not to mention the financial strain as well as what to do with the children if we had any. The emotional risk in itself is enough to not think the bet is worth the stakes. So, Imagine this........A revolver with 20 chambers......put a round in each chamber except one (not knowing which one)..........point it to your head and fire. There you go....there is your marriage.....Hope Its a Good One! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 Um. You can't talk to a revolver. It can't learn communication skills. The trick to a successful marriage is to manage yourself so that you make a good choice. You can't let your hormones push you into it (lust is a real bugger for that; you can lust badly after people who are completely wrong for you). You can't let your desire to leave the house or have some companionship or anything other than love and commitment take over your brain. You need to choose wisely and you need to be a wise person yourself. At 20, it's just as well you're not rushing into marriage. You need some life on you; some experience and maturity and you need to meet people and figure out who you like and who you don't like. Then you have to pick a person who is committed to going through good times AND bad with you - you see that's one problem; today people think you are supposed to be happy all the time, especially in marriage - but if you read stories of people who HAVE been married for 50, 60, 70 years, you find out that there were times they didn't like each other much or went through troubles but they never quit or gave up, they stuck in there and were rewarded with much more happiness as life went on. However, as Tony said, not many people are willing to do that today. If you are that kind of person and if you can find a similar person, then you can get a marriage to work. Do you think all these marriages are failing with no causes? Of course not - there are very good reasons behind all of them and when you've read up on what makes marriages succeed and why they fail you will be able to control your future. Marriage is not a game of chance, it is a relationship between two thinking, breathing humans who need to relate to each other with kindness, love, and understanding. The trick is finding two people like that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris Posted July 26, 2003 Author Share Posted July 26, 2003 "Yes you are JADED! Sounds like you are ruled by every external thing, other than your own life!" Not sure If I did that cut and paste thing right but in response to the above statement.... On the contrary, I am very much in control of my own life. I am one of the few people that really see what marriage is all about. I do not let my heart make decisions for me......I have put up those "Walls" around me that cannot be penetrated! There is nothing external that controls me. I rule my own life. Oh, and by the way, I really am an Optimistic person.....things have gone very well for me in my life. Except meeting the devil of course! ha ha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris Posted July 26, 2003 Author Share Posted July 26, 2003 ....yes, Its a Gamble. Don't really know until your married right? moimeme.....not too sure how you got the impression I was 20. But I am 32. Have lived allot (Army, traveled everywhere), and have dated allot and allot of different kind of women (from all over the globe). So experience I am not lacking. You know the type of woman I want......one of those T.V. Show women. Do any of those type of women exist? Those couples on T.V. always look so happy! ha ha Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 Don't really know until your married right? Well, that depends on whether you have a long engagement or live together first. You need a minumum of a year, ideally in close quarters, to really know a person, including the things the person tries to fool him or herself about. If you marry after a couple of months on the basis of a few dates, then I suppose you'd be right but that is not a real great basis for marriage. not too sure how you got the impression I was 20. But I am 32 oops! Brain cells are starved; guess I should have some brekkie. You know the type of woman I want......one of those T.V. Show women. Do any of those type of women exist? Those couples on T.V. always look so happy! Ok, you do know that TV is fiction, right? Seriously, I have known quite a few long-term happy couples. The factors common to all of them is that they ALWAYS treat each other with respect; no matter how angry or upset they may be with each other, they never try to really hurt the other's feelings. I even asked some people who had been in long marriages their secrets; in every case they each had found some characteristic of their partner that they really admired and liked and they never lost that admiration for that characteristic. They always thought the other was too valuable too lose by their own actions so they made sure to treat the other kindly. The couples I hope most to emulate are the ones who have a LOT of fun together. They let little things slide and they laugh a lot together. I know three couples like that (that I can think of at the moment) and all of them are grey-haired but still hold hands and look at each other with love and they practically never seem to stop smiling. It takes a huge amount of maturity to give each other leeway to be flawed and/or silly and/or crabby and let the small stupid things pass. I agree that there aren't a whole lot of people who can do that, but never say never, friend, because you then eliminate ALL possibility that it can happen to you. Of course, you have to be that sort of man, too. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 Chirs, I could debate this with you until the end of time, I do firmly believe that you have NO idea what marriage is, and your idea of being in control and being the only one that knows what marriage is, is a massive delusion. Physiologically when you control things it is because we fear that life will dish out the cynical opinion we have on something, so in-fact Chris you are ruled by fear of all these external things happening (i.e. people getting divorced). I'm not going to waist more time on this cos it is obviously that it doesn’t matter what anyone says to you, you very much believe that you are right and there is no other side to this love coin. So i will leave it and say only one more thing. I think it is really sad how you openly talk about marriage and love being crap when there are so many people out there who ARE optimistic and believe and are always trying to keep positive about finding someone great. I believe you are deluded and are very cynical. I think your state of mind is very sad. With you I feel its, 'You get what you pay for' mate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris Posted July 27, 2003 Author Share Posted July 27, 2003 Originally posted by PurpleAngel I do firmly believe that you have NO idea what marriage is, and your idea of being in control and being the only one that knows what marriage is, is a massive delusion. I Must disagree, I DO know what marriage is today as apposed to how it SHOULD BE. The proof is in the numbers on how marriages are today....the majority of them end in divorce. And if someone thinks they can beat the numbers they should go to Las Vegas.....your chances of winning are better there than in having a successful marriage. Which by the way, that sounds like fun! Anyone up for a Vegas trip? Physiologically when you control things it is because we fear that life will dish out the cynical opinion we have on something, so in-fact Chris you are ruled by fear of all these external things happening (i.e. people getting divorced). Ruled by fear? No, I am ruled by my informed decisions. Physiologically and physically you control things so the fears a person has wont result in becoming reality. And in the case of people getting divorced, this is a fact....not a cynical opinion. So i will leave it and say only one more thing. I think it is really sad how you openly talk about marriage and love being crap when there are so many people out there who ARE optimistic and believe and are always trying to keep positive about finding someone great. I believe you are deluded and are very cynical. I think your state of mind is very sad. yes, I think my state of mind about marriage is very sad. And whats even worse is it is based in truth. With you I feel its, 'You get what you pay for' mate What did I pay for? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 OK, Chris, if you're going to debate, at least get your facts straight. The 'majority' of marriages do NOT end in divorce. The rate of divorce is between 30 and 50 per cent so you've got, at worst, 50/50 odds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris Posted July 27, 2003 Author Share Posted July 27, 2003 Good News! After doing some research, this is what I came up with..... In the USA 50% of 1st Time Marriages end in divorce. Statistics show that marriages are most likely to last under the following conditions: I have to find a woman who is Asian....over the age of 25 and never been married........no kids.....she has to be Catholic, and I have to become a Catholic.......I have to get out of the Army (highest divorce rate of any occupation)......move to Massachusetts....Have to move her family there too and I have to like them and be liked by them......Her parents have to still be married to each other.......we cant smoke.....I have to Time the market to avoid being married during a recession.....and we have to have sex at least once a day. (OK, I made up that last one!) After implementing all these counter measures, I believe I could beat the odds! This is awesome! It can be done! Woooooooooooooo Hoooooooooooooooo! Anyone out there fit this description? If so, I will make you the Happiest woman alive. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 Good News! After doing some research, this is what I came up with..... In the USA 50% of 1st Time Marriages end in divorce. GOOD NEWS??? WHY IS THAT GOOD NEWS???? You’ve got way too much time on your hands Chris. You spend more time convincing yourself that you will get divorced than actually thinking you might be that 50% that doesn’t. Pity you will never know. Why risk being happy and in love if you are God and know everything about life, love and man kind. Sad to see you are trying to convince the rest of the world that love/marriage is crap. Sad you feel that’s it is OK to spread the negative word! Personally, I don’t care what the stats say! I still very much disagree with your comments in this thread and think it’s very sad that people are so scared of what life might or might not be. Even sadder that you are CONVINCED you know what marriage and love are! In the USA 50% of 1st Time Marriages end in divorce Why do you think its ‘1st time’ marriages that divorce at that rate. Probably cos people never get it the first time! People rush into things and never realized the truth about something till its too late. Gambling has better odds cos people realize that they are blowing HEAPS of money. People get carried away with love. Most people would risk time and time again just to feel love. Have you ever thought that marriage doesn’t work these days cos we as people don’t invest enough time to getting to know our partner before we get married OR that our morals are not good enough or we don’t have enough respect for one another, or give up to easily. We only have ourselves to blame! We can make it work if we really want it to. Marriage is always to be worked on.… from the very beginning not only when we realize there is something wrong. what makes anyone think that they have the special power to make a marriage work? What makes them better than anyone else? Actually Chris, I have a little more self-esteem than that. I think I am as good as the 50% that didn’t get divorced and that ARE happily married. Why do you spend so much energy talking and convincing yourself and others that marriage is crap if you don’t want to get married? What’s the point? Are you hoping that you will stop the world from getting marring? Why did you start this thread? Why ask if you are Jaded if you have spent every post stating why you are not and that your opinion is the only right on? Why ask for our opinion? My suggestion to you, the healthiest thing for you now is to... get a new hobby, we all know your opinion and thank-you for sharing. Good Luck with whatever you desire in life! ………………………AND yes, someone who has already made up their minds about something before they have done it IS ruled by fear and is NOT making an informed decision, but then again that’s just my opinion! I don’t need you to rebut any of it. Just sharing as you are Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 Have you ever thought that marriage doesn’t work these days cos we as people don’t invest enough time to getting to know our partner before we get married OR that our morals are not good enough or we don’t have enough respect for one another, or give up to easily. We only have ourselves to blame! We can make it work if we really want it to. Marriage is always to be worked on.… from the very beginning not only when we realize there is something wrong. Exactly. A statistic all by itself is useless. The 'qualities' you list that you're looking for based on statistics are only correlated with continuing marriages but that a marriage does not end does not mean it shouldn't. A lot of Catholics (and perhaps a lot of Asians?) refuse to divorce because they believe marriage is sacred, no matter how horrible it is. My aunt stayed married for 30 years to an alcoholic because of this. On the other hand, there are marriages which end in divorce which probably shouldn't; had the partners only sought assistance they may have stayed together and grown together in happiness. Chris, it is the personal qualities of a person that will determine if that person is a good marriage partner; not her statistical profile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris Posted July 29, 2003 Author Share Posted July 29, 2003 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -Aldous Huxley Thanks for the input everyone! Off to find me a bride! Link to post Share on other sites
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