Problem at the wedding with parents.

[Walk]

I'm really upset with my parents. My H and I got married last Friday, and only invited my parents (his are deceased). I've been married before, and divorced for over 5 years.

 

So the morning of the wedding, I call my mom to set up where to meet before going inside the building. She tells me "Its not to late to back out", and makes a couple other comments about how I can still cancel the wedding. We get to the courthouse, and my mom and dad make a couple other comments that embarresed me. I can't remember specificially what they were because I was trying my damndest to ignore the comments. I just remember thinking they weren't very appropriate.

 

After the wedding ceremony, my parents offer to take us out to dinner to celebrate. My H and I were saying how inexpensive the whole wedding was, and how my H got his suit for only $8 (was a nice suit too!). So my dad says how my last wedding cost him 10's of hundreds of dollars. Then shortly after that, my mom starts discussing the first time she heard me mention my H (when we first started dating) and how it wasn't very long after I left my ex. Only a couple of months. I felt like she might as well of said "My daughters a slut".

 

They have brought up the cost of the first wedding at the very least a dozen times in the past 6 months. I haven't asked them for a single dime for this wedding, nor would I have even considered it. I don't ask them for money for anything.

 

I'm so upset with them. I wasn't going to have them at the wedding originally but ended up inviting them because mom said she'd be upset if they weren't. And the only reason that topic came up is because I asked them how they would feel about my H and I going out of state to get married. We did the civil ceremony thing BECAUSE of them.

 

And to top it off, I just threw them a big anniversary party and spent over $500 on food, decorations, a special (expensive) cake, and gifts. And the week before I took my parents out to dinner and spent well over $100 on that, PLUS bought them a bunch of gifts. I spent 9 hours cleaning their condo so they could entertain guests that evening. I help my parents with manual labor stuff so they won't have to do it. It feels like I go way out of my way to do nice things for them, show them how much I appreciate them, and I get harrased on the one day I would REALLY like to be treated nice on.

 

I really, really want to lay into both of them for the way they treat me sometimes. Especially when they treat my brother so much differently then me and he's never gone out of his way for them. He takes so much from them, gives little to nothing in return. For the past 6 months, every single time my upcoming wedding was mentioned (even by other people) my parents would immediately start in on how they weren't going to pay for a dime because the first wedding cost so much, and how I would have to pay for it all myself this time. I was fine with that. I got the message the first time they said it. In fact, I got it the second time too. But by the 30th time, they can go **** themselves. They embarresed me in front of friends, family and strangers with their loud proclomations of how I got divorced after they paid so much for the huge wedding. They would turn a conversation I was having with a relative about when the date of the wedding was to how much THEY paid for the past wedding.

 

What do I do? I want to scream at them. I thought I'd cool off after a couple days, but I'm just getting more upset about the whole thing. I'm about 2 seconds away from calling them up and telling them off. I don't want to ruin our relationship, but I'm sick of being treated the way they treat me... especially when I'm continually going out of my way for them. And it irks me most because of the difference in treatment between me and my brother. And a large part of me wants to treat them the way my brother treats them just to show them how f*cking bad things could be if I weren't such a meekly passive people pleaser.

[sb129]

Walk, that sounds awful.

 

Sorry to hear about that, and I can see why you are upset.

 

You aren't a meekly passive people pleaser on here! (thats a compliment btw).

 

You can't do anything about the difference in the way they treat you and your brother.

 

You CAN however say to them the next time they mention your first expensive wedding that you don't appreciate being reminded of it all the time, (I'm sure your new H doesn't either!!)

 

Seeing as they were the only guests at your wedding, send them a thank you card for coming, with a picture of you and your H together on the wedding day. (lots of people do this for their guests).

 

Maybe they will get the hint then, and thank you for all the hard work for their anniversary party.

 

Failing that, can you just tell them how you feel?

[Walk]

Potential email to my parents:

---------------------------------

From comments you made Friday, and for the past 6 months, I understand that you and dad are still resentful of the amount of money you spent on the wedding. Because I respect you and what you have done for me, I want to repay $250 a month for the next 3 years and 2 months. That will re-pay the $10,000 for the original wedding costs.

 

So even though you've purchased 2 houses for my brother, and in fact he abandoned the first one you bought him without even bothering to attempt to repay you the money he still owed, I'll ensure that you get every penny of the money spent on my first wedding returned to you as quickly as I can possibly do so. And even though you gift my brother tens of thousands of dollars a year for child care so that he can go out binge drinking, I respect that you would feel resentful that my first marriage didn't work out and you feel cheated out of the money you spent on my wedding.

 

Out of respect for you, I am sending you my first payment of $250 dollars.

----------------------------------------------------------

 

How's that sound? Because that's really what I want to say to my parents. They're hypocrites.

[sb129]

Hmm. Its definitely to the point. Is there no way of saying the same things without potentially burning a bridge, or do you not really care if that bridge burns at this stage?

[whichwayisup]

Actually I'd just tell them they have a choice - Be happy for you and be a part of your life, or they can have a very distant relationship with you and only see eachother at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

 

If you want them in your life, you need to TALK to them about your brother and how differently they treat you, and how pissed off you are at them for trying to ruin your wedding.

[GPFan]

Gotta love family dynamics! There is plenty of resentment all 'round. I bet if you asked your Brother and he felt safe to answer honestly, he could offer up many times he felt resentful himself.

 

It appears to be a family dynamic you are all enmeshed in; every family has them.

 

You might offer to pay back the money for the original wedding with the understanding that it never be mentioned again. For example:

From comments made Friday, and for the past 6 months, I understand that you and dad feel cheated out of the money spent on my first wedding. Because I respect you and what you have done for me, I will reimburse you at a rate of $250 a month for the next 3 years and 4 months, a total of $10,000. The first installment of $250.00 is enclosed.

 

Upon acceptance of my proposal, you agree to no further mention nor complaint in regard to this issue.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your Loving Daughter

[Geishawhelk]

Bear in mind two good sayings:

 

"Not even the Emperor's swiftest horsemen are able to retrieve the hurtful word, once spoken."

(Ancient Chinese Proverb.)

 

"Measure it twice lass, you'll only cut it the once...."

(Advice given to me by my Grandfather. It applies to virtually anything we say and do....)

 

Walk, think very, very carefully about just what it is you wish to achieve with this message.

Do you wish to expose your resentment and jealousy? Because of course, quite naturally, there is an element of that, isn't there....?

Have you discussed the situation with your husband? How does he feel?

 

I hate to say it, but this burning or smouldering anger, resentment and jealousy can only get worse if you let them. Our emotions are not who we are, and if we let them take over, then in essence, we're the weaker for it....

 

You may actually find it's better to see your parents for the people they are, accept that they have their failings and flaws, like anyone else, make allowances for it, and swallow your pride, and be - well... 'bigger' than they are.

 

I have had a fair measure of run-ins with my parents over the years.... My Mother could be called a 'Control Freak' or a 'Drama Queen'.... But in order to be able to fully understand her, and see the bigger picture, I had to step back and take a look at what her upbringing was like....In a nutshell, being the 7th of 8 children in war-time Italy had its fair share of challenges.

And family matters were different then.

Now, with regard to her interference, and judgemental critical attitude - boy! I could plead mitigating circumstances in court, during a murder trial - !

But in the end what purpose would it serve?

Would it really make me feel better? maybe for an instant, but pretty soon, I'd feel like Cra*pp....And would it 'put her in her place'? probably not, you know. She'd find justification for the resentment and controlling nature she has.

 

See if you can find their bank account number without them knowing. Then make a monthly transfer payment into their account as you intend to do, but without telling them.

Finally, they may see it, and wonder what's happening.

Then you can tell them - "I so appreciate your having funded the wedding, I feel so bad about it, I'm paying you back. It's the least I can do, and it's the right thing to do, too." Smile sweetly, and be graceful.

This will have a far deeper effect than bitching about it.

 

In all matters of familial conflict, if you can let go and rise above it, it's definitely a case of 'least said, soonest mended.' If you behave in a dignified manner, above reproach, it takes the wind out of somebody's sails a whole lot quicker than a full-frontal assault.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

How are things going Walk?

[philip.philipflores]

Hi

You are not clear with your thoughts, will you give more information. So I can help you out in this matter.

[Geishawhelk]

There's no confusion from my POV... except that I don't think Walk has been back for a while......